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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this is abuse

102 replies

aeder · 29/07/2011 21:58

I've spent a lot of time at my mum and her boyfriends house this week and I've heard him call my brother a little scrote,douchebag,idiot,prick,pillock. He also threated to smash his wii and cut his signed football in half. He has also banned him from seeing his school friends for a month and actually banned him from speaking at the dinner table last night.
I spoke to my mum about it today when he wasn't around and said she said he was just a disciplinarian and I was overreacting and that it would do him good in the long run.

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 29/07/2011 22:39

Definitely abuse.

What is wrong with your mother? She is complicit in the cruelty I think.

I would tell your dad about what you have witnessed. He needs someone to fight his corner. Your mother cannot be bothered to be a decent parent, someone needs to look out for the poor kid.

He has lived there for 3 months and is calling his girlfriend's son a prick? Wanker. And shame on your stupid mother for allowing it to happen.

HeatherSmall · 29/07/2011 22:40

My mother did this for years put random men before her child, emotional abuse is really really hard to prove though and few people are interested.
Can you have words with your mum, mine went ballastic when I tried to have a chat about it and I didn't see her or brother for years afterwards.
Really your dad is the one that can have most effect.

honeyandsalt · 29/07/2011 22:41

Why can't he live in Portugal? I believe they have schools there too.... be good for him to learn a new language. In any case, I do think you need to discuss the issue with your dad.

HeatherSmall · 29/07/2011 22:41

Well your dad might have to come back from Portugal if his child needs him.

Morloth · 29/07/2011 22:42

Why? They have kids in Portugal.

moikla · 29/07/2011 22:45

I agree that moving to Portugal is far from ideal but I still think your dad needs to be informed of what is going. Is it possible for him to live with you if this sort behaviour continues.

Original poster
aeder · 29/07/2011 22:47

I've sent my dad a pretty long email earlier today so I am telling him as he does need to know.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 29/07/2011 22:50

What do you think your dad will do aeder?

Original poster
aeder · 29/07/2011 22:54

I don't know to be honest, my dads interest in him (and me) has dwindled since they broke up and he moved away. Him and my mum have a dreadful relationship it was a far from amicable divorce but I would still expect him to give her some harsh words.

OP posts:
ScarlettIsWalking · 29/07/2011 22:55

poor little lad Sad

honeyandsalt · 29/07/2011 22:56

Not sure why on earth Portugal is non-ideal?

  1. Sun
  2. Hot girls
  3. Become multilingual
  4. Don't become a shrivelled emotional wreck of a human being

In these days of facebook and cheap flights he needn't miss out on home friendships either. Not seing a real downside here...

UsingMainlySpoons · 29/07/2011 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LauraIngallsWilder · 29/07/2011 23:00

I would make space for him in my own home if my brother was inbthis situation - if mother continues to allow nasty dp to live there.

Aeder - could he live with you for a bit instead?

Original poster
aeder · 29/07/2011 23:05

He could theoretically live with me but I'm not sure my mum would let him or whether I'd be capable of being his guardian.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 29/07/2011 23:05

Oh no, your poor DB. :(

If possible, I would have him live with you. Doesn't sound like your mum would put up much of a fight if she's already making him second fiddle to an abusive DP.

Or if that's not feasible, how would you be placed to at least have him with you for a few days a week?

Anything to give the poor lad a break.

honeyandsalt · 29/07/2011 23:15

OP it's called kniship care/fostering I believe - your council website can give you more info. You sound more capable and caring than his current setup to me. If it were me, I'd see what comes of this email to your dad first. If that doesn't work, stronger words with your mum. If that doesn't work, get SS involved and consider becoming his carer. You'd need to think carefully about money and how to set firm, fair boundaries but imho you'd be fine.

Well done for taking steps to help your brother.

honeyandsalt · 29/07/2011 23:15

typo - "kinship care"

bned · 29/07/2011 23:25

Definately abuse, if it had been me my brother would have come home with me. No-one deserves to be treated like that

bringbacksideburns · 29/07/2011 23:39

You can still tell him.

This man is using the fact that your brother has no confidence to bully him and your mother is deluded. It's the Summer Hols and he's banned him from seeing his friends??? For what exactly? What is this huge crime? Does your brother seem happy living with them?

bringbacksideburns · 29/07/2011 23:41

I see you have already. Damn the fast typing ;)

This makes me feel quite sad. Your poor little brother.

mumeeee · 29/07/2011 23:47

It is abuse,no one should be spokem to like that, Also why wasn't he allowed to speak at the dinner table that's whre I used to to get the most conservation with my tenagers. I'm glad you've told your Dad aeder

HerBeX · 29/07/2011 23:58

The strongest argument with your mum, might be that if she allows this abuse ot continue, she might end up not having a relationship with her DS when he can get away from her and her horrible abusive partner.

IS there more of a back story to this OP? Why is your mum allowing it? Is she abusive too? Or does the guy abuse her, did your dad abuse her? Women who allow their children to be abused in this way, are generally pretty damaged people so i'd expect there to be a whole load of other shit going on here, which may or may not be relevant.

janewa · 30/07/2011 00:04

He's a monster and his mum is a disgrace for not doing anything and allowing him to continue living with her. You need to act OP

wredel · 30/07/2011 00:33

Poor boy, it sounds dreadful. Your mothers attitude is disgusting and I think you're doing the right thing in contacting your dad. Being banned from speaking is almost pretending that he's not there

TheFrogs · 30/07/2011 00:57

It is abuse 100%. Sticks and Stones? Bollocks. It shouldn't be your responsibility op but if your mum is too weak to stand up for her own child then you need to do something.

Things like this make me Angry

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