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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if a friend says they will come round monday at 11 to expect them to come in?

22 replies

familyfun · 29/07/2011 21:17

i seem to have totally different expectations when arranging to meet up with people.

friend asked when i was in this week, i said in all day monday so she said great she would come round at 11. so i kept monday free, got stuff in for lunch thinking friend and her dd were visiting. at 11.30 friend text to say she was running late be round at 12. at 12 she knocked door, handed me a card and said she couldnt stop as they were going out for lunch.

why ask when im in, then not bother coming in to see us?

am i expecting too much?

i always seem to be let down, 3 or 4 friends have asked when im free and ive told them and ive heard nothing since. think most expect to be invited here every time and ive held back a bit as fed up of always having the mess etc so they jus dont bother meeting up at all.

or i say im free mon ot tues, here nothing so go out, then at 2pm tues get a text saying still ok for us to pop round we are on our way, so i feel guilty telling them im now out, but surely they dont expect me to sit in all mon and tues incase they can fit me in.

feel like im everybodys last choice and if they have nothing better to do thay fit me in Sad

OP posts:
BertyBurlington · 29/07/2011 21:20

why not scrap text and actually arrange verbally, and ask blimmin questions

alarkaspree · 29/07/2011 21:21

YANBU but your method of communication with your friends seems unhelpful to me. I think you need to be a bit more proactive. So if they text you to ask when you're free, reply with, say 'how about lunch in the park on Wednesday?' or even better, phone them to make firm arrangements. It all seems a bit wishy-washy to me and perhaps none of you know what each other's expectations are.

Letz · 29/07/2011 21:22

YANBU that sounds pretty shit. Why did she give you a card? Was it your birthday? Shock

DoMeDon · 29/07/2011 21:22

Impose better boundaries - say what you want and when. if they do not respond or agree - do something else. Stop being available last minute. Act differntly and they will treat you differntly or freindship will run it's natural course.

You (like all of us) deserve to be treated better!

corriefan · 29/07/2011 21:25

I have a a friend who is quite rubbish at arrangements so I tend to confirm arrangements a few times and make sure we're both clear about what we're doing. I also work on the premise she will most likely cancel or have to quickly go off and do something. I know it's not just to me though, she's late for/ cancels everyone! Try not to take it personally.

Another thing is when someone asks if you're free, reply and say I was thinking of taking dd to xyz, if you fancy coming? If they don't reply, there's no harm in sending a friendly text nearer the time saying are you still around on tues? Or whatever.

mumof2biggerones · 29/07/2011 21:25

No you're not, that is just rude - the least anyone can do is stop for a cuppie and catch up

Original poster
familyfun · 29/07/2011 21:29

pay as you go phone with limited credit so cant really phone them.
dont understand why they cant say ok you are free monday so we will come over monday am and then stick to it.
no not my birthday, it was for dd, just wish she had said i will drop a card round in passing but cant stop as going out, then i wouldnt have kept afternoon free and wouldnt have felt let down.
people often cancel on me last minute too.

OP posts:
Original poster
familyfun · 29/07/2011 21:31

rest of week i have made plans for me and dds and then when asked if im free ive told them where i am if they want to join us, they havent. cant seem to win.

OP posts:
mumof2biggerones · 29/07/2011 21:39

Familyfun - don't waste your time on them, concentrate on your own guys and enjoy your time with them :)

thisisyesterday · 29/07/2011 21:45

i feel like you a lot OP. I have a few "friends" who do this to me, and it's taken me a long time to realise that it's their problem not mine, and to never count on them actually coming when they say they will.

i tend to do as alarkaspree suggests, and if people ask when i am around I give a definite date and time so there can be no ambiguity. or I'll say "around on weds, shall we meet in the park?" or something like that, so I can still go and enjoy it with the kids even if they don't bother turning up.

i have spent far too much of my life waiting around for people to turn up and feeling let down.. well no longer!

I do still feel though that no-one bothers seeing me unless I contact them first, but that's a whole nother thread I expect Wink

don't let people treat you like this and they will stop. and if you lose a few friends because of it, well they weren't real friends to start with!

Original poster
familyfun · 29/07/2011 21:52

problem is i get a bit lonely just with dds and dd1 likes to play with friends and wants to meet people to play so i end up trying to organise things and failing.
yes if i dont contact people then they dont seem to contact me, or i get texts like im busy working most days but may be able to meet in a couple of week then hear nothing.
maybe im boring Grin

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 29/07/2011 21:59

hmm maybe we should get together some time familyfun? don't suppose you live in west sussex do you? lol

Original poster
familyfun · 29/07/2011 22:00

fraid not Smile

OP posts:
thistowillpass · 29/07/2011 22:10

maybe you should try guilt text them to thank them for the card and say you were sorry they could not stay as you had got some lunch for them and your dd was sorry not to beable to play - it would give the message that they let you down in way that is less in your face if you find that hard to do but also some people are like that very stuck in themselves

Original poster
familyfun · 29/07/2011 22:14

im a sahm, i think they presume i have nothing to do so am at their becka dn call, in a way i always have tried to fit round their work times to try and see people.
time for a change.
wish i knew some nice people but they all seem to work all the time or have nothing in common with me.

OP posts:
mumof2biggerones · 29/07/2011 22:19

Whereabouts are you FF

Original poster
familyfun · 29/07/2011 22:25

midlands

OP posts:
samsonthecat · 29/07/2011 22:30

I'm in the midlands. I'll meet up with you if you're close to me :)

mumof2biggerones · 29/07/2011 22:33

Oh, I'm up in the North Scotland - I've been where you are now. But now I've got 2 fab pals who I met through the kids and everyone else is still there but I don't bust a gut anymore!

mumof2biggerones · 29/07/2011 22:34

Hey always welcome up in the 'sticks' lol

thistowillpass · 29/07/2011 22:34

even if you work manners are manners-but as someone who works partime and is a lp i know i sometimes end up cancelly at times maybe invite the child for a playdate and give your friend some free time and ask her to do the same for you but if its all one way traffic maybe it time to opt out of the friendship. good luck it hard to rock the boat

Original poster
familyfun · 31/07/2011 22:01

im making an effort with dds new school friends moms and met a couple last week who turned up and were nice so that was good, time for new friends.
just been cancelled on tomorrow so wonder if tues will cancel too?
oh well, im going to put in less effort and see what happens.

OP posts:
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