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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To relocate the family to my home time in Wales while DH spends 3 nights a week alone in a flat near London?

21 replies

Pufflemum · 29/07/2011 14:48

I desperately want to up sticks and return to my home town with my two little ones? The numbers mean we could buy a fab house mortgage free and I could give up my pt job and spend quality time with the families and still be better off each month. Grandparents and beach would be on the doorstep. Sounds fab? But dh would need to keep his job inLondon until and if something nearer comes up. I think our weekends would be much better and we would escape the SE rat race. Aibu??

OP posts:

Kladdkaka · 29/07/2011 14:52

I'd be out the door already.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 29/07/2011 14:54

I would. How far would DH have to commute at weekends?

BertyBurlington · 29/07/2011 14:54

would you mind being a single parent for half the week?

i suppose realistically its much easier than the separations forces wives have to endure.

i felt the same when i had two toddlers and moved 400 miles away from sea and family :( eventually we moved back, but luckily OH got a transfer. I dont think i would have gone without him, it wouldnt have been fair

onlylivinggirl · 29/07/2011 14:57

What does DH think? How much do you see him during the week now? is it his home town too?

I know people who have done similar but largely because their DH works such long hrs that effectively he doesn't see the children anyway during the week

Original poster

Pufflemum · 29/07/2011 14:59

I think I may quite like being a single parent for half the week:-) he doesn't get home till 7 most nights so it's usually just a kiss and story for the kids whilst I cook and clean up. Maybe a few nights away will add some new spark to the weekend!

It's a 2.5 hour commute.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pufflemum · 29/07/2011 15:02

DH needs some convincing, it's not his home town and I understand that it would make my life easier but not his. I am certain I can convince him but am scared I do and then it doesn't turn into my perfect picture.

OP posts:

Parietal · 29/07/2011 15:02

DH & I lived apart for 2 years due to work. No LO at the time. It was tough but workable because we have reasonably flexible work so could do long hours 4 days per week and have more weekend together.

I think your plan will be very hard on your DH and you need to be sure he is happy with it. Does he like country weekends? What are the prospects for him getting a job in Wales? Can he work 4 days per week or work on the train? Any commute is do-able for a limited time, but if you lived like this for 10 years, would you both be happy?

Finally, have you added in costs of DH's rent and commuting in your budget?

giantpurplepeopleeater · 29/07/2011 15:06

That sounds fab!!! I would do it.... but then again I have done it.

When my DS was 7 weeks old we moved from central London to the Midlands, mainly to escape the rat race and improve the quality of living - have moved from 6th floor flat to a 2 bedroom cottage with garden

At the start DP couldn't move because of his job so he did one week working in London and then one week with me (he worked shifts so could squeeze two weeks hours into one week!!) he did this for 7 months till a job opportunity came up here. It was very hard going, but now I look back on it very worthwhile, but then much of the difficulty came from the fact that DS was a newborn and my first!!

Ok so it was madness but it seemed like a good idea at the time and I don't regret it one bit now!

onlylivinggirl · 29/07/2011 15:28

I think it is selfish sorry - you are improving your quality of life not his- and its not clear that it improves the children's.

If it was finite- eg you'd do it for a few years then he could quit his job - maybe but it seems indefinite

turkeyboots · 29/07/2011 15:39

I wouldn't, my parents seperated after doing something very similiar. It puts a huge ammount of stress on a relationship, and all the extra costs of running 2 properties.

Shutupanddrive · 29/07/2011 15:39

Do it! Of course it is better for the children to be near your/their family and live by the sea

elliephant · 29/07/2011 16:04

We do this . It's really hard.

I would not recommend it unless it is a short term option - does your DH stand a chance of getting a local job in the next two years or so? If he did I would but as a long term living arrangement I would not.

The risks are that you end up creating a seperate family life with your DH as a weekend visitor . DH has missed matches, school events and birthdays. Evenings can be a bit lonely on your own.

Weekends are pressurized as you have a whole week of catching up to cram in as well as other weekend activities. I love it when Dh walks in the door on Friday nights but often want to dump and run just as he wants to collapse and unwind. We do have to factor in 'adjustment' time every friday night as we all get used to each other again.

Those few hours that you spend together every evening make a big difference particulary as your children get older/ stay up later/have evening activities.

I am lucky that I live near family as well and have a good support network but it's not the same.

kat2504 · 29/07/2011 16:26

I'm sure plenty of people manage this sort of situation successfully. I wouldn't like it though if my partner decided he only wanted me to be a part time member of the family and to live alone for half the week. To me an important part of the relationship is living together. Yes, forces families have to go through separations, but they know that when they get into that lifestyle. And often have support from other forces families nearby on the base.
Unless your husband is truly happy with it, I would reconsider. If you don't like where you are living, he could try to get a job elsewhere, but it is a bit unfair for you to improve your life while he spends evenings alone in a poky little flat somewhere. Wouldn't you miss him anyway?

midnightexpress · 29/07/2011 16:38

I agree with onlylivinggirl. I don't think you're giving your DH much thought in your plans.

DP had to work away from home for a year and it was miserable for him seeing the DC only at weekends, trabelling, every weekend having to be 'perfect'. Yeuch. And he was able to stay with family so not like he was stuck in a poky flat in town all week either.

LineRunner · 29/07/2011 16:43

You couldn't get from London to Reading in 2.5 hours on a Friday evening, let alone to the coast of Wales.

And Monday, Tuesday, Wednesay and Thursday is 4 nights, not 3. And eventually he'll drive up on Sunday night to avoid leaving at 4am on Monday morning, and come up on Saturday to avoid arriving at around 11.45pm on Friday.

From one who knows. x

bestmate · 29/07/2011 16:50

I couldnt do it, and it is an option to us, though the other way around as DH has been offered a bigger and better paid job in London, and has an offer of a spare bedroom in a friends house.

I cant do it, I cant do it to dh, though he works long hours now, and it would probably mean that his weekends would be work free, he at least kisses the children to bed most nights and shares the school run when he can.

On paper it may sound fab for you, but having looked into it, it means a lonely week existence for your/mine dh, and I am worried it would cause resentment on my part toward DH when he walked through the door on a friday night. I feel our marriage would turn into exactly how elliephant feels, He is going to want to just put his feet up and chill, where as I would probably want to book a babysitter and go out for a meal, he is going to want total quality kid time.

Fimbo · 29/07/2011 16:57

I wanted to do this and move back to Scotland leaving dh in the south east of England. My dh cried, he is the least likely person ever to cry btw. I felt so crap for even suggesting it.

He does work long hours and sometimes the weekend, so I am often lonely but I think in the long run it would be worse.

Whilst we could have bought a much bigger better house and being mortgage free, dh would have had to fly to commute and then find a studio flat or something to stay in and it would have cost lots.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

wineandroses · 29/07/2011 17:03

I think it would be lovely for you and your DC (except for adjusting to seeing a lot less of DH/daddy) but for your DH - pretty lonely, yes? My job involves quite a bit of travel and when I am in the UK I work in London most days but not all week (2.5 hours is my commute but that is door to door, not just the train journey, which I suspect is what you mean London to Wales). I choose the commute rather than staying in London because I need to see the family whenever I can. Otherwise, I, and they, feel sad and wonder what the hell is the point of doing a job that pays well but means you have no home-life. However, for lots of people, it works, but the person who lives away gets the short end of the stick, in my opinion. I don't think this kind of life is sustainable long-term, without some serious negative impact on your relationship.

exoticfruits · 29/07/2011 17:03

Lovely for you, horrible for DH. It isn't fair. Try and change so you can move together.

Original poster

Pufflemum · 29/07/2011 17:07

Briliant advice everyone, thank you. It would only be a temporary measure until he could get a job nearer the new home, but I appreciate that getting new jobs thesecdays is not so easy. We will have many heart to hearts this weekend to try and come to a decision. X

OP posts:

GothAnneGeddes · 29/07/2011 18:07

Line runner - Sounds about right.

I lived apart from Dh in the week for about 6 months while looking for a job to be nearer his new job.

I hated every single day of it. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true.

I can understand why you want to do it, I really, really can. I'd love to move back to my home town, but the chances of DH getting a job here are nil.

I do feel for you OP.

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