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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think (when making meet up arrangements) that if you cant make time until 7 weeks time away, lets not bother?

57 replies

porcamiseria · 29/07/2011 13:34

I dont know if this is a London thing but it make my blood boil

lets meet up!?
yes, I have a window w/c 14th September
fuck off! I might be dead! the world may have ended

It makes my blood boil, I am BU, but it fucking annoys me, to the extent I dont bother replying, let the friendship fade then...... I am BU? maybe

OP posts:
rookiemater · 29/07/2011 16:15

YABU what's the problem? Some people are spontaneous some are not. i am often tired at the end of the day particularly on those I have been working and would never think to myself oh I must phone old thingymajig and see if she wants to go out tonight, but if it was in the diary I'd force myself along and would probably have a great time.

So now with groups of friends I try to put the next date in the diary when we are there that way most folk have their diaries with them and less chance of people cancelling.

Another option, and I'm sure its not the case here, I don't have a great deal of spare time, DH works long hours, I work p/t and have a young DC, I have some friends that I like to see sometimes but not to the exclusion of my really close friends, therefore I would arrange to see them once every couple of months.

Can't really see your problem, with your attitude you seem like the self important one who thinks that your friend should instantly drop all her commitments so she can see you. Drop her if you want but it seems like a bit of a sad reason to do it.

rookiemater · 29/07/2011 16:17

Oh actually forget my previous post I didn't read the bit where she said she had "a window". Tell her you have plenty of windows and a few doors and should she want to see you then she knows where to find them.

Tchootnika · 29/07/2011 16:41

Tell her you have plenty of windows and a few doors and should she want to see you then she knows where to find them.

Now that really would be self important, rookie
Why should a perfrectly straightforward gripe about scheduling escalate into a tit-for-tat over building structures, I ask you?
Plus, if it's put like this, the friend might take it as an invitation not only to invite herself round to OP's place, but also to let herself in in any unorthodox - and potentially dangerous - way that she chooses.

Alternatively, OP could it be that this friend feels she needs extra ventilation and/or light when you meet? In which case, surely you need only assure her that you'll be clean and fragrant by next week, and happy to bring along a torch or candles, if necessary.

Original poster
porcamiseria · 29/07/2011 16:48

I am BU, clearly! I just wish sometimes I lived in a small town where you can text a mate and say "off to playground, see you there?". My DP is from Italy and people just arrange stuff last minute, I LOVE IT! its so much more fun than planning weeks ahead, then often times the day comes and you are tired/ill but can't cancel as if you do, its another 3 months

I am not being self important, honestly. I just hate London and the fact that veryone is SO BUSY and to meet a mate involves extended diarising etc

i see my dear friends so little and its a shame

anyway, I am BU. nuff said

OP posts:
Sarsaparilllla · 29/07/2011 16:51

The 'window' bit is cringeworthy and annoying...

But I tend to have stuff planned for a few weeks/months in advance if you're talking weekends, then if someone said to me did I want to go out for a drink one Fri/Sat night I don't have a free weekend until 3rd Sep - I have lot of friends/family/weddings/'stuff' planned to do

Most of my friends seem to be the same, I bet if I rang round now this minute I'd struffle to get a few folks together this weekend - people have plans, it's normal I thought?

If someone decided they didn't want to be my friend simply because I have other people to see and things to do then, well that's very sad but fine

Sarsaparilllla · 29/07/2011 16:53

I am not being self important, honestly. I just hate London and the fact that veryone is SO BUSY and to meet a mate involves extended diarising etc

Is it really a London thing though? I think it's just a busy people thing, if you're working full time, and have a big social group and a reasonably large family but any kind of hobbies or interests thrown in it's just life that you have to plan when to meet people

lucky24 · 29/07/2011 16:54

YANBU

I have a friend who does this, i'm letting the friendship fade.

She must book to meet people on a first come first served bases (like toby) then complains cos she doesn't have time to see people she says she wants to see.

Tchootnika · 29/07/2011 17:00

I am not being self important, honestly. I just hate London and the fact that veryone is SO BUSY and to meet a mate involves extended diarising etc

YANBU to feel that life in London can often be overwhelmingly complicated and exhausting.
Brew
and Wine for later, Wink

jeckadeck · 29/07/2011 17:02

porcamiseria I do know what you mean... my DH is from a latin country as well and he finds it really annoying that things have to be scheduled so far in advance. I also miss the days when you could just drop into a local and know there would be four or five people in there. But there is a downside to that degree of spontaneity as well... where my DH comes from people consider it totally normal to drop in and out of one another's houses without any warning and I don't want people showing up unannounced on my doorstep. The tricky thing is finding a balance....

Original poster
porcamiseria · 29/07/2011 17:06

aw thanks Tchootnika

jeckadeck I know what you mean, and hearing at 6pm we have 8 people for dinner can be a pain. I was just curious and seems that we are all used to this way in the UK huh

still does my head in tho!!!!

OP posts:
Quenelle · 29/07/2011 17:07

I'm trying to arrange a night out with three friends. We're looking at October now because everyone's so busy before then except me.

Original poster
porcamiseria · 29/07/2011 17:07

october quenelle! bloody Oct! and its not even August!!!!

OP posts:
minouminou · 29/07/2011 17:10

Some people are genuinely like this and mean no offence whatsoever. It's not prioritising one friend over another, it's probably a conveyer belt system (IYSWIM). The friend she's seeing the week before you was booked 6 weeks ago, and so on.

Quenelle · 29/07/2011 17:11

And it's October or never now. One of my friends is moving to the US at half term.

Good job there's Facebook.

bringinghomethebacon · 29/07/2011 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsmellow · 29/07/2011 17:33

I think YABU, but I understand how you feel. I lived in London for 8 years and would often have to make plans 3-4months in advance to suit everyone. We're now overseas and much more spontaneous - I'm loving it! Don't take it personally, just put the date in your diary and look forward to it (and do a reminder text/call/email the week before!)

libelulle · 29/07/2011 17:43

YANBU. A friend of mine has just suggested December for a weekend visit. Like you I'm tempted to say if I'm that high up in your list of priorities, then let's just forget it. I think actually 7 weeks is just about ok if you're talking about a weekend meet-up, esp in the summer when things are busy with holidays etc, but 6 months - that really did make me laugh.

QueenCee · 29/07/2011 17:45

Yabu I'm afraid
I work shifts which include weekends....so when I do get a weekend off we are usually busy.
Most of my friends work mon - fri so our days off just aren't compatible.
Link that with the fact my IL's live a 10 hour drive away, meeting with other friends, family time, weddings, holidays, dentist/doctors appts blah blah blah, it can sometimes be weeks or months between me seeing friends.
I actually don't think 7 weeks is bad at all!
I've got friends I've not seen for months!

MissBetsyTrotwood · 29/07/2011 17:48

If I didn't make plans that far ahead I'd never see any of my friends. And we'd definitely never see each other together. Why's it a London thing? My cousins live in rural Cheshire and they're the same.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 29/07/2011 17:50

And DH works evenings and weekends so it's even harder.

CMOTdibbler · 29/07/2011 17:54

YABU - I have 2 days a week I can do things. Into that time, dh and I need to fit shopping, seeing family, diy, gardening, anything ds has on (like parties or playing with friends), and a multitude of jobs as well as spending time together relaxing.

I could quite easily not be available for 6 months at the weekend atm, and I live a very boring life outside London

Sarsaparilllla · 29/07/2011 17:54

She must book to meet people on a first come first served bases (like toby) then complains cos she doesn't have time to see people she says she wants to see.

How else do you do it tho? You wouldn't keep a weekend free incase someone else asked if I wanted to make plans, if someone suggested meeting up and I was free when they say I'll do it :)

MightyQuim · 29/07/2011 18:46

yanbu. There are very few people who don't have half an hour to spare for a coffee for 2 months - they just can't be bothered. Work commitments fair enough but having kids is no excuse - you can see friends and look after your kids at the same time!
I have no axe to grind btw as none of my friends have ever arranged anything with me, aside from a holiday/wedding invite, more than a week beforehand. And I would think they had gone mad if they did.

KeepingUpWithTheCojones · 29/07/2011 18:59

I wish it would only take seven weeks to arrange a meeting. I've been trying to arrange a meet up with three friends since September. Closest we've come so far is three out of four. We have plans for August .

TigerseyeMum · 29/07/2011 19:13

I understand where you are coming from - at the moment I don't have kids, but most of my friends do, and we are scattered across the country. I have to admit I get frustrated when they can't meet up because 'daughter has ballet, son has football, there's an endless round of toddler parties, and OP has footie practise/home game/away game etc' all the time. You try to arrange a date and 6 months later none of you have been able to agree on a time.

I work long hours and try to be as flexible as I can but it can get very very frustrating.

OTOH I also have to book in advance with most people, regardless of whether they have kids or not - because those without kids tend to be away, golfing, holidaying, at the theatre etc etc and so on. I am just as bad.

So to some extent I think you are not being unreasonable, but also you are.

HTH.