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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD - Husband

85 replies

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 12:10

Quick Summary..
Been married for 7 years. Before we had kids about 4 years ago I found out that my husband was using pictures of my sister and friends for masturbation.. found a big file of pics on his i-pod. Anyway after nearly getting divorced we went for couple counselling and my Husband claimed to have an addiction and said he had did this since he was a teenager (With girls / women in his life) but realised it was wrong... he said he mainly did this to block out depressing feeling, has a bad relationship with his Mother, his sister is mentally ill, he had a major accident that left him infertile (or so we thought at the time) anyway we got back on track and have since had children. Since the kids we haven't really been too close mainly drifting along and surviving, both of us working full time etc. But at a family party recently I seen him at the kids bedroom window with his i-phone as if taking a pic of the people below in the garden. He denies this and I don't know what to do... WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 23:22

I think she would be horrified as i was but as previously said I made the decision 4 years ago to move on and not share the information.. the only other thing to come up is the zooming in and out of the i-phone to a group of adults (of which my sis was one) and husband says he was mucking about.. no pic was taken. I dunno feeling sick over everything again and have told him I don't see a future.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 23:26

So are you going to have a break and is it possible to? while you decide the future.

Original poster

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 23:28

Not sure how to go about it, could maybe ask him to move in with his Mum... life will be very hard though as I have a 3 and a half year old and two year old twins. But think that a break is needed.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 27/07/2011 23:31

Three children so young is bound to put a strain on any relationship, even if it had previously been rock solid.

Are you really sure that you cant work through how you are feeling at the moment without splitting up.

How about a break for the two of you, without the kids. Do you have family who could look after the kids for a long weekend perhaps, so that you can get away and talk without the inevitable interruptions of family life.

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 23:37

Thats why i think that you should try counselling, to work out where your feelings are coming from and what it is that you really want.

You might just be generally down or you might not want to be in the relationship and have managed to ignore that up to now because you have been so busy with the DC's. You need help to work that out.

PamBeesly · 27/07/2011 23:39

Feelinshit do you still love him? Really love him? If you do it would be harder to leave maybe you'd rationalise things out in his favour. As other posters have pointed out, they don't see the big deal. However, you clearly do and that is very understandable, there was a trust broken four years ago it will be something you will always go back too, and I could not blame you. I also would NOT tell my sister, if it was me I wouldn't want to know. I wish you all the best with it and with the DC's you've a lot on your hands thats for sure.
Voyeuristic is a word too, afaik it comes from the French verb 'voir' to see and has sexual connotations

Original poster

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 23:43

Thanks for all the input will sleep on it and speak tomorrow.

OP posts:

PamBeesly · 27/07/2011 23:45

Have a good rest feelinshit

honeyandsalt · 28/07/2011 00:09

There's no need to tell the sister unless the pictures were taken through her bedroom window or something. I mean, all it would achieve is freaking her the hell out, I highly doubt there is any real recourse.

Alsoooo...sorry to be strong but imho staying together just "for the kids" is bullshit. They deserve a happy home, whether that be with a single parent or happy couple. Miserable parents =miserable home, personally I hate it when people stay in dysfunctional relationships "for the kids" cos they're not doing them any favours.

If you want to try to save your marriage by all means do so, but I'd understand if his behaviour has scuppered it. My personal feeling is that while circumstances (in this case the depression etc) can sometimes go a way to explaining unacceptable behaviour, that is not the same thing as excusing it. In your situation I'd feel that he had cheated on me and commited a sexual assault of sorts on my sister (i'm sure she'd feel violated if she knew) and I couldn't get past that, no. Deal breaker.

Hope things feel better in the morning.

MightyQuim · 29/07/2011 19:15

So he feels crap wanking over pictures of celebs but feels ok about wanking over pictures of your sister
If I was in your situation OP I would tell your sister. As to what it would achieve - well it would give your sister the opportunity to avoid your dh or at least make sure she's not wearing revealing clothing when he's around. It would also give your sister and other family members the opportunity to make revised opinions of your dh based on his behaviour and it would show your dh the consequence of his actions that you have been shielding him from.
In answer to what I would do - I would kick his ass out of the door.

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