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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD - Husband

85 replies

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 12:10

Quick Summary..
Been married for 7 years. Before we had kids about 4 years ago I found out that my husband was using pictures of my sister and friends for masturbation.. found a big file of pics on his i-pod. Anyway after nearly getting divorced we went for couple counselling and my Husband claimed to have an addiction and said he had did this since he was a teenager (With girls / women in his life) but realised it was wrong... he said he mainly did this to block out depressing feeling, has a bad relationship with his Mother, his sister is mentally ill, he had a major accident that left him infertile (or so we thought at the time) anyway we got back on track and have since had children. Since the kids we haven't really been too close mainly drifting along and surviving, both of us working full time etc. But at a family party recently I seen him at the kids bedroom window with his i-phone as if taking a pic of the people below in the garden. He denies this and I don't know what to do... WWYD?

OP posts:

titihood · 27/07/2011 19:56

This article helps me whenever I find bf's porn bookmarks: sexandthe405.com/why-does-he-need-to-masturbate-to-porn-when-he-has-me/

Though is not the same as my sister/friends (I would find that harder to cope with for obvious reasons). I really think you should talk to him about it and say how upset you are, and how you worry about it happening again. Although it may be hard to start such a conversation, getting your feelings out in the open and finding out how he is feeling will help.

Hassled · 27/07/2011 20:03

The bottom line is that you just don't trust him, and really, why the hell should you? Maybe the bedroom window thing was innocent (though, really, who stands at a kids bedroom window looking at their phone during a family party?) but still, you just don't trust him. It's always going to be there, eating away at you - he betrayed you massively.

I think you should go to Relate on your own and talk this through - maybe the trust will come back although it will be bloody hard. If it doesn't, it's no way to live your life.

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2011 20:04

Finding out he likes porn isn't the same as him masturbating to zoomed in photos of her sister's breasts! His excuses are absolutely pathetic.

OP, the obvious thing is that he realised you saw him and he deleted the pictures.

If I were you I'd want to look at that phone alone, without him having any warning.

I just don't understand why you didn't leave him when you found the pictures of your sister. Don't you think she'd see that as a complete betrayal? Why on earth did you go on to have children with him?

janetsplanet · 27/07/2011 20:05

i thought all men wanked to pics or videos of other women. whether they have a partner or not. i certainly wouldnt go googling sites like titihood posted

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/07/2011 20:07

You were prepared to give up the chance of having children to stay with a man who made wank fodder photos of your sister?

He is repulsive and nobody should have to have a creep like that in their family.

Your poor sister.

I don't really see why you were ok with him being a creepy perv 4 years ago but now it bothers you.

Oh and you are right - his litany of excuses is ridiculous.

He thinks it's OK to take photos of women he knows for wank fodder. And so do you apparently.

Vomz

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/07/2011 20:09

No, not all men wank to pictures of other women.

Just the shit ones.

Thruaglassdarkly · 27/07/2011 20:19

I'm with squeaky and parakeet on this one. I'd probably have diffused the situation by taking the piss out of my DH about fancying my sister etc. Certainly wouldn't have nearly got divorced over it or resorted to counselling/thinking of him a sick and a perv. Men - and women - fantasise. You can't police that. Perhaps I'm just too laid back...

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2011 20:23

Fantasising is in your head, Thruaglass, it's not taking a surreptitious photo of your sister in law's breasts! Can't you see the difference?

Thruaglassdarkly · 27/07/2011 20:33

Is that what he's doing then? I thought he was just looking at photos and having a tommy tank. If he's purposefully taking photos of her boobs, it's rather sleazy, but I still don't think it's worth divorcing over (if it were me).

TBF, I don't have a sibling so I can't 100% relate to that sense of betrayal the OP feels.

If it upsets the OP, he needs to sort it out though. OP - YADNBU to be upset (just because some of us might not be, I mean). You have to work out for yourself what you can and can't tolerate. For you, this could be a deal-breaker. You're going to get opinions from all angles on MN though, so listen to what chimes with the way you feel.

I think more counselling would help as there are obviously trust issues here, regardless of whether or not he took a crafty photo the other day.

MightyQuim · 27/07/2011 20:35

Not sure I get the OP. Was your sister at the party in the garden and you thought he was taking more photos of her or someone else?
I know some people are OK with porn and stuff but having lewd photos on your phone of your sis in law as wank material is beyond the pale. Disrespectful to his wife and her sister. I can only imagine the awkwardness at family gatherings after the OP found them.
If my dh wanted to jack off at one of my family members I would, at least, expect him to have the decency to use his imagination.

Thruaglassdarkly · 27/07/2011 20:47

So was he taking sneaky boob shots then or were they just regular family snaps he was getting off to? I think there's a difference. The former's definitely sleazier as it's more pre-meditated.

Incidentally OP, have you asked him how he'd feel about you getting off to photos of his mates/family members? That might put things into context for him.

Would you be bothered if he used lads' mags for his "me" time? Or is it that it's that "me" time you object to iyswim?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/07/2011 20:48

"If my dh wanted to jack off at one of my family members I would, at least, expect him to have the decency to use his imagination."

Bingo!

bubblesincoffee · 27/07/2011 21:49

Looking at porn is one thing, and something that wouldn't bother me, but having a flick over pictures of your own wife's sister is awful!

I would have more loyalty to my sister, and would consider how she would feel if she knew that her brother in law was doing that. If that were me, I'd be feeling completely betrayed by my sister, and that would be the worst thing.

Original poster

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 22:16

I got back with him 4 years ago as after counselling I forgave him. It boiled down to him having an addiction and wanking around 8 times every day... he said that celebs, porn etc made him feel horrible eventually and empty and people he knew never made him feel as empty! he said he done it to dull his depression. Now I've never been able to get my head round this but we got through it and yes I went on to have children with him.

My sister never ever knew about it and in the file were normal pics of her but also a couple of sneaky pics he took without her and my knowledge.. nothing seedy in these ones just pics she wasn't aware of. Anyway, I've always thought that was kinda voyearistic (is that a word) and then seeing the phone at the window the other night made me feel sick... yes my sister and other friends were there. Anyway we have spoken tonight and he's finally said that he was waiting to get into the loo and was at the window using the camera function on his phone to zoom in and out of the group. he said at the time he simply thought he was mucking about but since I've brought it up he's now confused and wonders if there was more to it?? He said he defo isn't wanking or doing anything like he was in the past. I have told him I dont think there is a future for us.... I feel so sad for my children.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 22:33

OP your sister doesn't need to know, it wouldn't help the situation.

You have to think about why you have become distant and if you want to continue with him regardless off wether he was taking photos.

He obviously had a problem before, did he go through all of the counselling that everyone thought was needed?

Are you communicating well now?

bubblesincoffee · 27/07/2011 22:38

She needs to know if he is going to continue to be her bil! If not, then I wouldn't tell her, but if she ever has to see him again, she has a right to know.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/07/2011 22:41

I agree bubbles.

Original poster

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 22:41

I would never tell her whether we stay together or not!

OP posts:

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/07/2011 22:42

So you're OK for her to be treated like that?

Jesus, I'm glad you're not my sister.

Original poster

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 22:45

I love my sister. What good would come of telling her (it happened 4 years ago)? I really wanted some feedback on what others in my situation would do regarding my husband.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 22:45

The OP has to protect her DC's, they come first, it isn't a simple choice this will have far reaching consequences.

OP your previous choices are no ones business, it is were you go from here. Are you looking for an excuse to end your relationship?

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 22:47

TBH this should be in relationships, not AIBU.

Original poster

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 22:47

We hadn't been getting on but I hadn't seen it as anything particularly major and thought we would get it sorted, but now that this has came up it has made me question a lot of things and obviously think about what happened previously.

OP posts:

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/07/2011 22:53

OK, well I guess you'll be down to the almost no people who would stick around with a voyeuristic man who likes to perv out on members of your family.

I thought maybe you were reassessing your (frankly bonkers) decision to stay with a man with such deep issues, particularly when he made up a load of old bollocks about addiction and depression to excuse what he did.

squeakytoy · 27/07/2011 22:54

I dont see how the OP saying to her sister "oh by the way, 4 years ago my husband was wanking off 8 times a day to a photo of your tits" will do anyone any good...

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