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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD - Husband

85 replies

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 12:10

Quick Summary..
Been married for 7 years. Before we had kids about 4 years ago I found out that my husband was using pictures of my sister and friends for masturbation.. found a big file of pics on his i-pod. Anyway after nearly getting divorced we went for couple counselling and my Husband claimed to have an addiction and said he had did this since he was a teenager (With girls / women in his life) but realised it was wrong... he said he mainly did this to block out depressing feeling, has a bad relationship with his Mother, his sister is mentally ill, he had a major accident that left him infertile (or so we thought at the time) anyway we got back on track and have since had children. Since the kids we haven't really been too close mainly drifting along and surviving, both of us working full time etc. But at a family party recently I seen him at the kids bedroom window with his i-phone as if taking a pic of the people below in the garden. He denies this and I don't know what to do... WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 22:55

I was reassessing my decision and I still am.

OP posts:

mummytime · 27/07/2011 22:55

Okay, if I found out anyone had been taking sneaky photos of me to wank to, I would be at the police station and pressing charges. Sorry but that is the bottom line.

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 22:56

You need to talk honestly with him and find out if he is going back to his old habits.

You also need to work out why you feel the way you do, now and if you want to stay with him, anyway.

Would you go for counselling on your own?

Put together some, 'what if' senarios, as in, how would things be if we split up etc.

Are things stale in your life generally? Is this really about your relationship? etc

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 22:58

Mummy-because lifes that simple, especially when your DN's ask why their daddys been arrested and then he gets put on a sex offenders register and can only have supervised access?

bubblesincoffee · 27/07/2011 22:59

Seems quite obvious that you can't trust him, the issues you had previously are not completely resolved and you aren't getting on very well.

So you have two choices. If you love him and you want to continue with the marriage, you have to go back to councelling.

If you know you can't ever really trust him and feel secure and loved by him, then you would be better off ending it.

But I think it would be very very selfish of you to continue with this relationship if you are refusing to tell your sister how your husband has violated her. He is her brother in law, father to her neices or nephews, she should be able to trust that she has nothing to worry about at family gatherings. And she simply can't do that. You are betrayingher, and spectacularly letting her down. No man with an ounce of respect for you or your family would do what he has done. There are surely other women that he knows if he insists that he has to wank over non stangers. If that load of crap is even true

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 22:59

This is about the OP's relationship now and not what has happened previously. It is to much to deal with, all at the same time.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/07/2011 23:00

Yes, it's really terrible the way convicted sex offenders aren't given plenty of unsupervised time with their children.

GreenEyesandHam · 27/07/2011 23:02

I don't know if it's actually illegal to wank to photographs is it?

Unless they were 'peeping tom' type long lens jobbies, I thought the OP was talking about general snaps, zoomed in.

bubblesincoffee · 27/07/2011 23:03

But it's all connected Birds. If it had been properly resolved before, OP wouldn't jump to the conclusion that her husband was taking photos of people just because he was stood at a window with his phone.

Original poster

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 23:04

yes general pics, zoomed in but a couple were without her knowledge... starting to feel sick all over again. I won't be telling my sister.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 23:05

Op was it a sex therapist/psychologist that he went to see last time?

Were you happy with the answers that you got then?

Tortington · 27/07/2011 23:07

id be insisting on a phone without camera function

bubblesincoffee · 27/07/2011 23:07

Then make sure he doesn't go near her again, and hide all your family photos.

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 23:07

Bubbles- it may have brought back memories. The OP may not have fully resolved it but decided to live with it. Many people make the decision to live with someone who they haven't fully accepted but put up with, behaviour wise.

squeakytoy · 27/07/2011 23:07

Okay, if I found out anyone had been taking sneaky photos of me to wank to, I would be at the police station and pressing charges

I cant say I would be too pleased, but what exactly can you do to prove it???

I dont believe it is actually illegal.

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 23:08

The only advice should be to go for counselling, to many people on here try to decide for others.

bubblesincoffee · 27/07/2011 23:09

Surely you wouldn't actually reccommend that choice to anyone though Birds? Or be so disloyal to your own sister?

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 23:11

Squeky- do you really want to take the thread down that route, we know hows these go, generally.

Op can you get this moved to relationships, this is about your relationship, not your DH previous actions.

bubblesincoffee · 27/07/2011 23:12

to many people on here try to decide for others

In the same way that OP has decided for her sister that she doesn't deserve the right to know that a member of her own family has been wanking over her?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/07/2011 23:12

I think you could make a case that a man who was repeatedly taking secret photographs of you with the specific intention of masturbating over them was engaged in some type of sexual crime.

Mare11bp · 27/07/2011 23:13

For me it would depend on what he was trying to take pics of.

Other mums to wank over - can be treated with therapy IMO and your relationship worked through.

The kids? No way, he needs to be slung out.

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 23:14

bubbles- the OP forgave her DH and carried on, that decision was made in the past and doesn't have to be changed, unless the OP posted saying that she cannot live with herself because her sister doesn't know, which she isn't.

I actually wouldn't recommend anything, i am a trained counsellor and work with people to clarify their own thoughts.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/07/2011 23:14

Why would you want to work through being married to the kind of creep who takes photos of your friends and family to wank over?

It's so vile.

squeakytoy · 27/07/2011 23:19

Supposing her sister was, for example, Angelina Jolie... the husband certainly wouldnt be the only person in the world to be wanking off to her picture..

I am not saying its a nice thought to know your husband finds your sister a sexual thrill, it would completely piss me off and I honestly dont know if I could continue a relationship with someone who couldnt keep his thoughts to himself and felt he had to be rather too honest with me.

It doesnt make him a pervert though.. just a bloody fool to admit to it.

Lets suppose your husband has a brother who is the spitting image of Brad Pitt (or substitute any gorgeous bloke of your choice).. yes you could perhaps daydream about what it would be like.. but you would never act on it in reality, although you may have a secret bit of wanking to the thought of it.. but you certainly wouldnt tell your husband about it.

The brother would probably get a bit of an ego boost to know about it.... who is to say how the sister in the Ops case would react.. she may be horrified, but there is a also a chance she may take it as a compliment... :S..

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 23:22

Usually people who do this do have problems, it isn't just about sex, their are allsorts of boundery issues that have been violated.

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