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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to have a friendship with a guy that I know my OH would not approve of??

80 replies

Shell85 · 27/07/2011 11:51

my other half is in the army, and is away for long periods of time with practically no contact. A lot of the time I feel like a single parent, and most of the time I feel like a single woman.

To help with the loneliness I joined a forum for people who are in/or have friends or family in the military.
It had been a huge help and great support and I have made a few good friends.
One of those friends is a guy who is in the RAF.
He is lovely, and we have a lot in common.
We exchanged phone numbers and have been texting and chatting on the phone.
We text each other daily and have developed a really good friendship.
He is based on a camp about an hour and a half away from where I live and we have arranged to meet up and have a night out together.

I don't intend to sleep with this guy or anything, I would never cheat on my DH.

I know my DH would not approve of this friendship, but I don't really care.

When we first got married my DH promised he would look for a training job so that we could be together and raise a family, but that never happened.
He loves he job, and has no intentions of giving it up any time soon.

Do you think I am wrong to be friends with this guy behind my DH back?

I am not lying to DH or anything, I have not spoken to him since I became friends with the RAF guy, but if I had I would have told him about my new friend.
But I still know how he would react to the friendship.

OP posts:
HPonEverything · 27/07/2011 14:25

My reason for posting was just to see if other people would be friends with someone even if their OH didn't like the other person. OK to answer the exam question - no, I probably wouldn't. I care what my DH thinks and he can often be more rational about things whereas I'm more emotional, so he's usually a much better judge of character than me.

My DH had absolutely no problem with one of my male friends, until that friend totally screwed me over and caused me a lot of stress (work related). I was willing to forgive and forget but my DH loves me and had real problems with it and the idea he might do it again. I no longer have any contact with that friend and I'm glad as looking back he never really cared about me anyway to do what he did - my DH was right and was thinking about my happiness.

bubbub · 27/07/2011 14:26

my best friend is a guy, we text or call daily, we go to theme parks together (my dh hates rides) and we go see london shows and do ikea (all stuff dh would rather die that do)
i love my best friend to death, a real deep love, which is totally 1000% platonic on both parts. this i know because he is very gay and im also mates with his long term dp.
dh doesnt really like bf because i spend a fair bit of time with him, and spend money on things i wouldnt be spending money on if it wernt for him (theme parks/shows ect) and i chat to him about everything.
my arguement is if i didnt do the things i like to do with bf then i wouldnt get to do those things at all because dh wouldnt do them. we still do stuff together and spend lots of time together. and i work too, i make same amount of moeny as dh and i should be able to decide what to spend some of the money i earnt on too.
besides, why should i only have a deep relationship with other people other than dh? i married him, i didnt sign away my rights to any kind of life outside him! so he occasionally moans, "oh not bf again" but its only really in a jokey way, cos he knows its not going to change.
oh and he has plenty of straight girl pals, which i have no issue with at all.
this is a bit different though, this guy is not gay is he? and his motives probably are not so pure give the forum he was in to find you.
be careful, you know the can of worms you are opening, wether you are in denial or not.

IvyAndGold · 27/07/2011 14:27

If I met someone online who I got on with who wanted to meet up, but my DH did not approve, then I wouldn't meet up with them. Because my relationship with my husband would mean more to me than that of a bloke I'd been chatting to online.

If you're just friends, but you know your DH wouldn't approve of actual face-to-face contact, then what's the harm in just keeping it online? Why risk upsetting your husband? Can I just ask if this guy is married/in a relationship/single?

How would you react if you were out fighting in another country and discovered that your DH had met a woman online, had traded numbers, they were ringing/texting every day and were planning a night out together? I know I wouldn't be impressed...

bubbub · 27/07/2011 14:27

sorry that should read why cant i have deep relationships with other people other than dh

Filibear · 27/07/2011 14:38

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Shell85 · 27/07/2011 14:40

I can't contact my DH, and he can't contact me. I am not allowed to know where he is, how long he will be there or what he is doing, that's just part of his job
and yes it is very frustrating, but our marriage has nothing to do with my friendship with this guy.

when you are on tour you have constant access to the Internet, it is how I keep in contact with my best friend, who is currently on tour in Iraq.

Even if my DH wasn't in the military I would still be a member on the forum that I met this guy, because I use it to speak to other friends who are away on tour. so I would have still made friends with him even if my DH was here

Being friends with this guy has nothing to do with making my DH jealous, I would still be chatting with him and organising a night out if he was a woman.

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 27/07/2011 14:44

Go for it then Hmm

Filibear · 27/07/2011 14:44

This reply has been deleted

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/07/2011 14:44

OP... Really? Your follow-up post sounds petulant because you asked if you were being unreasonable (thinking the board would say, 'no, of course not'), and you didn't ge the validation you wanted.

Do you even know this bloke is who he says he is, hmm? What do you really know about him? People online can be anything they want to be and you're being extremely silly to meet up with somebody you don't know in real life.

This man could be (and probably IS) chatting to all kinds of women, casting his net in the pool of the 'lonely wives' forum for anybody to bite. I don't think it matters to him who you are or the person you are. You are completely deluding yourself and naivety doesn't wash with me. You are intending to meet up with this man (as friends, of course Hmm) without your husband's knowledge. You're a cheat, basically.

Stop kidding yourself that this is anything other than sordid, because it isn't anything else. If this man wants to be such good friends with you then he should meet your husband, ring him or whatever and explain. Actually, ask Mr Friendly if he'll do that.... you'll get your answer pretty quickly (and loudly), I think.

Sorry to burst your indulgence bubble, Miss O'Hara...

IvyAndGold · 27/07/2011 14:46

Well, sounds like you've made up your mind. Good luck OP, I think you're going to need it.

Callisto · 27/07/2011 17:55

So your husband is SAS or some other kind of special forces then? I find it very hard to believe that you have months on end of no contact with him even if he is special forces. The British army appears to be very hot on allowing soldiers regular contact home - it is good for morale.

All this aside, you are being deeply unfair (and even more if your husband is uncontactable for however long) to consider seeing this man. He is after a shag, and I think that you probably are too.

MooMooFarm · 27/07/2011 19:34

Have to say I was a bit Hmm about the no contact too....

My BIL was recently on a difficult mission with the army. His wife didn't know exactly where he was, only the region, and could only contact him in an emergency through a central number. But every weekend at a certain time she knew he would be ringing her from a certain place where he could call her to keep in touch, just once a week to keep in touch.

But even if OPs version of events is true, IMO she seems to be using it as part of her excuse to cheat on him!

squeakytoy · 27/07/2011 19:43

The guy knows that I am married, and we are just friends, nothing else. We just get on really well and have a lot in common

He doesnt care that you are married.. .he probably prefers it because he can get away with no strings, a nice easy shag...

You will have loads of things in common.. because he will agree with everything you say, to get into your knickers.

Sorry but you really need to grow up a bit if you believe what he is saying.

Whatmeworry · 27/07/2011 19:51

I sense a "Dear John" letter in the future here, I wonder if the OP will let the MumsNetters help write it?

IvyAndGold · 27/07/2011 22:03

You didn't answer where he'll be staying at the end of this 'night out'?

Or if he is married/in a relationship/single?

LoopyLoopsTootyFroots · 27/07/2011 22:04

You text him daily? why?

LoopyLoopsTootyFroots · 27/07/2011 22:06

OP, you know you can change your settings so all your/OP's posts are in a certain colour? What's with all the bold?

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/07/2011 22:13

I have always believed that women and men can be friends. Frequently, though, that turns out not to be the case (happened to me with a declaration after decades of friendship). In this case you are so deep in a river in Egypt, I'm surprised you aren't drowning.

Eggs are indeed eggs.

gapants · 27/07/2011 22:14

op Do not do it. This will end badly for all involved.

No contact-- don't you do BFPO letters to your DH?

I think you have very little respect for your DH to be entertaining a friendship with a man that you know he will hate. Best to put it all on hold until your DH gets back, all meet together and then he can see he has nothing to worry about Hmm

CurrySpice · 27/07/2011 23:40

My DP works away (abroad for weeks at a time) and it's tough. I cannot imagine how tough it must be for you with no contact and the worry of him being in danger. You have my sympathy there :(

I also have a very close male friend. We text daily. We chat 8 days out of ten on average I'd say. We go out and have dinner, or to a gig. We are mates.

So far, so very much like you!

However, the big difference is that DP knows all about it. He is relaxed about it. he knows that I do care what he thinks and would stop seeing my friend if he felt even slightly threatened.

And that, imho is a massive difference between the two situations.

fortyplus · 27/07/2011 23:55

I have a close platonic male friend. Dh doesn't like it because it's someone who was half of a couple we socialised with but they divorced. Dh thinks that this changes everything and my friend is now a threat of some kind. I've been open and said there are things I talk to with friend that I won't tell dh - exactly as would be the case if I had a female friend.

So I know that we're just friends and nothing physical will happen - in fact even if I was single I wouldn't want my friend as a partner - he'd drive me nuts!

I'm sure that some people would think that I'm being very unreasonable and should pander to dh and stay away from my friend, but I'm quite independent and wouldn't let dh dictate in that way. We still socialise with my friend together - in fact I've introduced him to some of my single female friends.

I'm certain that friend doesn't fancy me physically - we've even chatted a bit about attraction and I've given the example that I consider my brother an attractive man but obviously he's off limits. The same applies with my friend, my friends' husbands etc. If there was someone who I did feel a spark for I'd like to think I'd have the sense to stay away.

Just because some people would be incapable of a platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex doesn't mean it's the case for everyone.

JamieAgain · 28/07/2011 06:54

fortyplus - different situation - you didn't meet your friend anew on a forum for lonely service wives at the same time as you were also feeling resentful of your DH

forpitysake · 28/07/2011 08:15

surely it could never ever be worth it???
if you value your relationship with your DH, then do NOT, i repeat DO NOT consider it.
a similar thing happened to me and it was just horrible to think DH had imagined allsorts happening (when it wasnt and hadnt and wouldnt) just because i didnt tell him about it.
TBH i think his reaction was nicer than mine would have been if the tables had been turned, and he was pretty pissed off i can tell you.
and rightly so.
if theres nothing to hide then tell him-surely he would prefer honesty???
there is nothing wrong with choosing your own friends, BUT he needs to know about them, and be able to trust you.

cannydoit · 28/07/2011 08:45

hmmmm op i think your husband is not really taking in to account your feelings when he is off for months at a time with no contact and saying he would get a different job and then reneging is pretty harsh on you and its not really his place to approve of you friendships.
having said that i did this for years when i was married, my husband and i had a deal that we could snog whoever we liked, not any further than that just snogging. but i would engage in casual flirtations with men texting seeing each other regularly building up to snogging. it was great fun, great for the ego, very flattering and i would imagine really lovely for someone who is lonely.
these men were my "friends" we went out had a great time and had lots in common but we probably wouldnt have if not for the sexual chemistry and the unsaid promise of more between us.
are you really being honest with yourself,do you get a little buzz we you get a text from him? aside from the example of the person with the gay male friend above, i dont know someone that texts even their most closest of friend everyday, i am sure it happens but not with someone you just met on line.
you want to know who i text everyday my bf,when we just started going out we would message and text and speak on the phones for hours because we had so much to share.
i am not vilifying you, i am just wondering how honest you are being with your self. life is complicated and i think if your husband is putting his job before his marriage you have big problems there you maybe need to make him aware of how strongly you are feeling.
sorry if i have really got the wrong end of your stick here but i can only go on how your posts read and even your disclaimers are not very convincing.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 28/07/2011 09:04

I think YABU, and this will almost certainly lead to problems with your marriage if you give it free reign- nothing to do with what your DH may or may not approve of, just that you sound so resentful towards your absent DH. I think you are kidding yourself that this guy will be nothing but a friend. I don't text my best best friend every day, never mind several times a day!

I am not lacking in sympathy- I am a forces wife myself. But presumably you knew what you were getting yourself into before you married like I did? Yeah, ok, your DH said he would try to get a different job, but it's not always that easy, and sometimes you just have to live with it. Long abscences are hard, but could you not find something more productive to do with your time than beginning a relationship with a stranger off the net? Do you work? have hobbies? Friends?