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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to have a friendship with a guy that I know my OH would not approve of??

80 replies

Shell85 · 27/07/2011 11:51

my other half is in the army, and is away for long periods of time with practically no contact. A lot of the time I feel like a single parent, and most of the time I feel like a single woman.

To help with the loneliness I joined a forum for people who are in/or have friends or family in the military.
It had been a huge help and great support and I have made a few good friends.
One of those friends is a guy who is in the RAF.
He is lovely, and we have a lot in common.
We exchanged phone numbers and have been texting and chatting on the phone.
We text each other daily and have developed a really good friendship.
He is based on a camp about an hour and a half away from where I live and we have arranged to meet up and have a night out together.

I don't intend to sleep with this guy or anything, I would never cheat on my DH.

I know my DH would not approve of this friendship, but I don't really care.

When we first got married my DH promised he would look for a training job so that we could be together and raise a family, but that never happened.
He loves he job, and has no intentions of giving it up any time soon.

Do you think I am wrong to be friends with this guy behind my DH back?

I am not lying to DH or anything, I have not spoken to him since I became friends with the RAF guy, but if I had I would have told him about my new friend.
But I still know how he would react to the friendship.

OP posts:
Filibear · 27/07/2011 12:33

This reply has been deleted

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JamieAgain · 27/07/2011 12:33

You are angry with your DH, and about to embark on an Emotional Affair, at the very least.

My advice would be stop deceiving everyone.

yoshiLunk · 27/07/2011 12:36

You are already being unfaithful by engaging in correspondence with this man knowing that your husband would be hurt if he knew.

If you've come here looking for someone to tell you that's ok you won't be hearing it from me.

MooMooFarm · 27/07/2011 12:43

IMO you are trying to argue one point when your words clearly say the opposite...

You feel like a single parent & a single woman

RAF guy is lovely & you text & chat regularly

He is driving for an hour and a half for more 'chatting' Hmm

You don't really care what DH thinks

Looking from the outside, what would you draw from this? Even if you don't want to cheat, RAF man probably does. You know that and you don't seem to mind. Where has the love, mutual respect & commitment to your marriage gone, OP, because I don't see any here.

IMO you need to sort out your marriage, one way or the other, then think about what to do next. And in the mean time get 'chatting' to some female friends - there must be loads of other women online in your situation - why didn't you feel as drawn to friendship with any of them?

SunRaysthruClouds · 27/07/2011 12:54

OP I don't get why he is on a forum like this other than to find a lonely wife or partner to keep company. It's not as if he is overseas himself or alone I assume.

I can understand about forums like this being for lonely forces partners to give each other support, but with this scenario you might just as well have joined any singles site that could lead to 'friendship and maybe more'. You are justifying it because he is in the RAF - YABU.

Callisto · 27/07/2011 13:03

Jesus, this 'friendship' is a farce. If you don't realised that then you are spectacularly naive. The 'lovely guy' you have met online is after a shag, he probably tries it on with loads of women. I bet he is married with children himself. So your stupidity or selfishness, or both, will end with the breakdown of two families. Also, how you can disregard the opinion and emotional wellbeing of your husband while he is risking his life in some God forsaken country is beyond me.

YouDoTheMath · 27/07/2011 13:05

If you don't care that he would disapprove, then you don't need to be asking for anyone's opinion, do you?

However - you say your OH is the sort of person that doesn't agree that men and women can just be friends. NOT true. My DP works in HR which is a profession generally populated by women. He has loads of female friends, and occasionally will meet up with them for lunch/they'll come over to ours for dinner (although in the case of the latter, it's only when we're both there). I used to work in male-dominated companies and still have male friends from those. Both of us are fine with each others' situations.

I would however have a problem with him making friends with a bird on the net - as he would with me meeting other fellas that way. The connoations are entirely different to meeting someone through a real-life situation.

YOU may have no intention of sleeping with this bloke, but you don't really know how he feels... My guess is his intentions, whether he admits to them or not, are otherwise.

revolutionscoop · 27/07/2011 13:08

Playing with fire, op.

Ephiny · 27/07/2011 13:10

Why would your OH 'not approve' of you having the friends of your choice? He's not your father?

Having said that I suspect this is something you expect to turn into more than a 'friendship'. You can't have it both ways. Either he's just a friend, in which case there's no need to be secretive with your DH, you are allowed to have friends! Or he's a man you're starting an affair with, in which case you can't really blame your DH for being a bit upset if he found out!

If you're unhappy with something in your relationship, your OHs working patterns etc, then that's something you need to talk about and try to work out between you. Sneaking around with other men in an attempt to 'punish' him is not the sensible way to go about it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/07/2011 13:11

"DH is one of those people that doesn't believe a man and a woman can just be friends, that is why I know he will not approve. "

And he'd be right. Mixed-sex relationships are rarely truly platonic. Even if you don't fancy the RAF man odds-on says he fancies you. Hope you know how to be discreet because, if DH ever finds out, you're going to be in big trouble.

HPonEverything · 27/07/2011 13:30

As someone who has many male friends and very few female friends (I have a male mentality and humour, and my hobbies and interests are fairly 'male'), I totally get the idea of a platonic relationship with a fella. Fortunately my DH also 'gets' it and knows how important it is for me to have mates I can chat to about the things that interest me.

But it really doesn't sound like that's what this is. The red warning lights are: not telling DH about the friendship,and the "constant texting and chatting". It sounds like you are thinking about him a lot. I met my 2 best male friends on an internet film forum so I can also understand meeting friends on the internet, but it sounds like your friend's motivations for using that particular site were possibly to pick up women.

If you want to leave DH then do, but don't start something up with this guy behind your DH's back on the offchance that it will be better than what you've got with DH but you can fall back on DH if it doesn't work out. If it's not right with your DH then it may never be right, and the presence of some other guy who gives you the attention you want isn't going to make things any better with your DH in the long run... in fact it will only make them worse.

JamieAgain · 27/07/2011 13:32

Then there's the huge issue of the fact you met him a on forum for lonely wives.

Ria28 · 27/07/2011 13:32

OP I think yanbu to be friends with this guy, but deliberately not telling your dh is practically lying in my book, so I think you do need to let him know.

To those who think men and women can't have platonic friendships, suppose the op was bisexual. Would it be unreasonable for her to have any friends at all?

HPonEverything · 27/07/2011 13:35

"Mixed-sex relationships are rarely truly platonic" I disagree, but only based on my personal experience. As long as everyone knows where they stand from the off then it's definitely possible to have truly platonic, and very fulfilling, friendships with the opposite sex.

But anyway in the case of the OP I'd say this friendship is definitely heading down the non-platonic line, but without knowing her or what's actually truly in her head how can anyone say? When she says she'd never cheat on her DH that may be true, but I'd wager this RAF guy is definitely expecting her to!

vmcd28 · 27/07/2011 13:39

You "don't care" what your DH thinks, yet you care what we think? Hmm

If it's just friendship and chatting, why do you need to meet him at all? Hmm

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 27/07/2011 13:44

You want everyone to say YANBU. But they can't, because you are.

MooMooFarm · 27/07/2011 13:51

Am I a cynical old cow to think that no man would drive a three hour round trip for a 'chat' with a stranger? Hmm

IvyAndGold · 27/07/2011 13:51

I think you can have platonic friends of the opposite sex, one of my best friends is a guy I've known since I was a kid. He's more like a brother, and I know he doesn't feel anything more. I've even once overheard someone asking him if we have a 'past' and he said 'Urgh! It'd feel like incest!' Grin

This however is completely different. I think you have to be friends for a while before you can be truly 'platonic' friends, especially to the point of going on a 'night out' with just the two of you. I also introduced him to DP soon after getting together; IMO if you feel you have to hide it from your DH then it's on the cheating spectrum somewhere, if only emotionally.

Can I just ask... He lives an hour and a half away. Where is he going to be sleeping after this 'night out'?

Original poster
Shell85 · 27/07/2011 14:11

I haven't hidden the friendship from my OH, I haven't spoken to him in several months, before I began talking to this guy on a regular basis.
I compleatly intend on telling him about it when I do speak to him

when I started first started chatting to this guy in the forum he was on a tour of Afghanistan, and many people use the forum to keep in contact with the 'real world' when they are away.
there are many military men and women who use the forum.

The guy knows that I am married, and we are just friends, nothing else. We just get on really well and have a lot in common.

The reason that I say that I don't care what DH thinks about it is because I hate it when he tries to tell me who I am allowed to be friends with.
When I say that I feel like I am single I mean that in the sense that I am used to doing things the way a single person would, doing things to suit myself, what DH would think is usually an after thought as he is never around.
he is away for months on end, and I usually have little or no contact with him while he is away, so it is hard to continue to act as part of a couple when I am alone, I do things selfishly because DH is not here to take into consideration.

None of this means that I don't want to be with him or that I would ever want to be with anyone else.

But even if DH was here working a normal 9-5 job I would still want to be friends with this guy because he is a great friend and we get on so well.

My reason for posting was just to see if other people would be friends with someone even if their OH didn't like the other person.

OP posts:
JamieAgain · 27/07/2011 14:15

Nope - not convinced (nice bolding btw, that must have taken aaages). You sound angry with your DH, perhaps justifiably so. Sort that out one way or another.

JamieAgain · 27/07/2011 14:16

Your DH, in this instance would be right to be suspicious.

If he's unreasonable in other instances then this is hardly going to convince him.

Lougle · 27/07/2011 14:17

I don't believe that close male/female friendships can be or stay purely platonic. Truly I don't.

Anecdotal, I know, but:

My best friend was a bloke - we are now married.
My friend's best friend was a bloke - they are now married.
My other friend's best friend was a bloke - they are now married.

Casual acquaintance, yes. I think that can be platonic.

Sending texts, personal phone calls and 'chit chat' to pass time. Nope.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/07/2011 14:21

You're talking a very good game but I think you're missing the point. Clearly you feel resentful about being abandoned by your DH, isolated, unloved and the prospect of a clandestine night out with a relative stranger to get back at DH is very attractive. You really wouldn't have gone looking for this man if your DH worked 9-5 locally. Understand the real problems rather than kidding yourself.

Allinabinbag · 27/07/2011 14:22

How come this guy was on a tour and could contact you/email you all the time, but you haven't spoken/contacted your husband for months? Could you not write a letter if you can't email him? Can he not join the forum?

YABU not to have had any contact with your husband for several months. What you then get up to in those several months is bound to cause friction, especially if it involves daily texting with a new man, even if he is 'only' a friend.

Awomancalledhorse · 27/07/2011 14:24

To answer what you wrote on the end of your last post OP, I wouldn't be friends with someone DH didn't approve of & neither would he (fortunately all our collective friends are lovely people)!

However, we discussed this (and billions of other 'what ifs') before we got married, whereas with your situation it sounds like you didn't talk about it before getting married or DH 'changed' after you got married, has he always had the same views on friendship?
If yes, then YABU...you chose to marry your OH knowing his views on things.