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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to spend this money on a wedding

19 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 25/07/2011 15:05

My fiance proposed in Feb and we plan to get married next year, I was keen on having something small we could pay for ourselves, e.g. registary office ceremony followed by a nice meal with immediate family & a couple of very close friends

Since then, his parents gave us a cheque for £5k and my parents have promised £2k all given in the idea that we spend it on the wedding

We've priced it all up and yes, we could now invite more people and have a bigger wedding, but I can't help but feel like the money could be better spent in other more practical ways - our house needs so much doing to it, we could make it really nice if we spent at least some of the money on that

But DF wants to spend all the money on a wedding, and because he says thats what the money has been given for we can't spend it on anything else, and won't even speak to his parents about it (my folks wouldn't mind, I know that 100%)

Am I being unreasonable to not want to blow it all on one day, I know that's what they've given it for but it seems like such a waste to me :(

OP posts:

pommedechocolat · 25/07/2011 15:08

I think YABU because the people giving the money intended it to be spent on the wedding. If it was your own savings I'd say YANBU - your money, your choice.

Maybe if your folks wouldn't mind then the £2k goes on the house and the £5k goes on the wedding?

biddysmama · 25/07/2011 15:08

yanbu to have the wedding you want.. the money you got you could have paid for my wedding as well!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 25/07/2011 15:09

YANBU if you don't want that type of wedding but give the money back if so. YABU to try to get them to change their mind about the purpose. If they had wanted to give you general money they would have done that.

wicketkeeper · 25/07/2011 15:12

I know what you mean, but think about it this way. They presumably know that money is a bit tight. They also know that weddings are expensive. They also know that your wedding day is a very special day, and they don't want you to have to cut corners. I would take the money in the spirit in which it has been given, spend it wisely on wedding-related things, and have a hell of a good day. Perhaps you won't have to use as much of your own money on the wedding now, and that could in turn be spent on doing up the house etc.

bubblesincoffee · 25/07/2011 15:12

Your dp is right, the money os being given for a wedding, and that's what it should be spent on.

However, if you budget well, there might be some left over to do something else

You have to remember that there is a joy in giving, and while I'm sure your family have given you this money because they want you to enjoy it and benefitfrom it, there is a very strong possibility that they would all love to enjoy your wedding with you as well, and that is the reason they are giving you money to spend on your wedding.

You say your parents would be ok with it, and I'm sure they would because they will ant you to be happy, but do you honestly believe that they wouldn't be even a little dissapointed that they didn't get to see their daughter have a lovely wedding?

sleepindogz · 25/07/2011 15:12

why dont you ask them if he isnt capable of it

WhoWhoWhoWho · 25/07/2011 15:14

YANBU to not want to spend that amount on a wedding but YABU to spend it on other things if that is what the money was expressly given for.

If your parents don't mind you spending it on other things then do so.

If future in laws only want it to be spent on a wedding then compromise. Stick to the wedding you want and don't be swayed. Small and intimate like you had planned, and go for quality rather than quantity. You wil be able to spend more on the food, the venue, outfits etc but still keep it small. Anything you don't spend offer to give back to them.

Ephiny · 25/07/2011 15:14

I would explain that you only want a small wedding, and that it's very kind of them but you can't possibly take that sort of money from them. Don't think you can keep the money and just spend it on something else though (unless they insist that you do).

eurochick · 25/07/2011 15:15

You would be unreasonable to keep the money and spend it on something else. If you want a really small low key wedding then tell them and give it back, otherwise, spend it on the wedding. You don't have to invite more people if you don't want to - have better food, free bar, extra flowers, etc. Rather than the local registry office, go for one of the many venues licensed for civil ceremonies (often hotels and stately homes) so you have a lovely backdrop to the day. Or if you don't want any of that, just don't take the money and do it your way.

One other point: in my experience, it's fairly common that once other people start paying, they also want a say.

LittlePickleHead · 25/07/2011 15:15

Well....I do understand your sentiment, and if you genuinly want a small wedding then that's what you should have. I don't think you should expect to keep the money though if that is what they have given it for. I didn't expect any money towards our wedding at all, but we were given some and it would have felt rude to then go off and spend it on replastering.

Was the reason for wanting a smaller wedding purely financial? If it was and your DF felt that he was compromising his ideal plans by doing so, then he has just as much right to expect to spend the money given for that purpose on the day.

GiddyPickle · 25/07/2011 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Sarsaparilllla · 25/07/2011 15:24

Was the reason for wanting a smaller wedding purely financial?

Not totally, I want to just get married, not have a big day with all the family I never keep in touch with etc, it's just not me, and I'm not keen on being the centre of attention

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarsaparilllla · 25/07/2011 15:29

One other point: in my experience, it's fairly common that once other people start paying, they also want a say

Yes, I don't think they were keen on our inital plans and this has had some inpact on their decision - that and they didn't really believe that I/we don't want a bigger wedding (MIL is lovely but can be very sentimental, can't comprehend how any woman hasn't dreamed of being a princess on her wedding day all her life etc etc, which isn't me at all!)

I think I'll speak to my DP again, I just feel like I'm now being railroaded into this wedding that's bigger than I wanted, maybe we should just give them the money back and just stick to our original plan

OP posts:

mamasunshine · 25/07/2011 15:31

We had a small wedding because that's what we wanted. There was 21 people, including bride and groom there and the total amount came to approx 8 grand! That was a registry office with meal in a hotel afterwards and we really cut corners!

mamasunshine · 25/07/2011 15:35

So maybe work out the sums for everything needed first for your ideal amount of guests and then work from there...these things are surprisingly expensive. Especially if you're putting people up in a hotel room/dress/suits/car/cake/photographer etc etc.

MissPenteuth · 25/07/2011 15:35

Why not use their money for the wedding and save the money of your own that you would have used for the wedding to do up your house? If the wedding still comes to less than £7k, you can give back what's left over to your parents.

bubblesincoffee · 25/07/2011 15:39

That proves it then, your in laws do want you to have a 'nice' wedding, and that is why they gave you the money.

You have to give it back if it's not going to be spent on a wedding, it would be very rude to ask them if you can spend the money on something else.

Why can't you still have the same size wedding you wanted originally though? You could have almost exactly the same day, but treat yourself to having your hair or make up done before hand, a more expensive dress, more expensive rings, a nice hotel for the wedding night, or maybe two nights, you could have more flowers, better food or just more of it, offer round more champagne etc etc. There is loads you could do to make the day nicer and please your in laws without inviting more people than you want.

zipzap · 25/07/2011 15:49

Do you think your dp would like to have a bit bigger wedding too but doesn't want to say it explicitly this way he can still agree with you (on what he thought he wanted when money was an issue) but now there is a way to have more people there he can without feeling too guilty about it?

Ephiny · 25/07/2011 16:13

I would definitely give the money back actually - or probably would not have accepted it in the first place. It's far, far too much and would make me feel very awkward to be given a gift like that, especially if it came with strings attached.

If they want to spend thousands of pounds on a big party - then they should have one for one of their birthdays, or to celebrate their wedding anniversaries or something. You on the other hand should have the wedding you want, it's not really any of their business.

I'd much prefer a small wedding myself, and can't imagine how I could ever spend so much!

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