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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that my 11 year old ds went to a party and I had to pick him up from the pub?

19 replies

kaluki · 25/07/2011 12:06

DS1 went to his friends for a birthday lunch on Saturday. The boys Mum is (was!) a friend of mine and was supposed to drop him off home at 3pm. She phoned me and said the boys were playing in the garden and asked if ds could stay there longer, which was fine with me. I said I'd pick ds up about 5.30.
Then I got a text about an hour later saying "we are in the XXX pub, there is a bouncy castle!". This pub is quite a rough pub where my alcoholic abusive ex and his family all drink. Luckily ex wasn't in there (Things are that serious that I have taken an injunction out against him coming near me or the dc so if he had been there it would have been disastrous for ds and caused no end of trouble for me).
I got to the pub as quick as I could and took ds home. My friend was absolutely wasted, she must have been drinking all day long.
I was so angry I couldn't even speak to her. She knows our history and that he drinks in that pub.

DS told me he was really worried and didn't want to go but they told him it would be fine. He knew she was drunk and he was "a bit scared"
Now I just don't want anything to do with her. We have things planned for the holidays and I just feel like cancelling everything and telling her to get lost.

The worse thing is that the boys are starting secondary school together in September and they are such good friends.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 25/07/2011 12:09

I wouldn't be thrilled if she was drunk never mind the whole background with ex

well when you're calm, maybe you can tell her why that wasn't a good idea (again) but leave it a bit befroe you decide whether to cancel your holiday things. I don't think I'd leave ds with her again though, the situation with your ex being what it is etc

worraliberty · 25/07/2011 12:09

That's out of order in a big way

You really need to tell your 'friend' all this and then decide if you still want to be friends or not.

As for the kids, it shouldn't affect their friendship.

squeakytoy · 25/07/2011 12:12

I would be extremely pissed off with her, but to be honest, at 11 your boy should also be able to explain clearly to the woman that he wasnt happy there and why, and ring you to tell you that he wants to come home.

No reason why he cant continue being friends with the other boy either, as they will rarely need parental supervision once they are at secondary school.

AKMD · 25/07/2011 12:12

YANBU to be so cross but there are positive ways out of this situation. It sounds like you are close enough friends with this mum to gently ask her if she has a problem with alcohol - getting wasted and putting a child in a potentially dangerous situation is not normal behaviour and she could well do with some help.

If she doesn't have a problem, it is worth you being straight with her about how upset and angry you are and put plans in place to make sure it never happens again. If this means never leaving your DS with her, so be it.

DogsBestFriend · 25/07/2011 12:13

"I just feel like cancelling everything and telling her to get lost."

That's the one, only my words would be a little stronger than "get lost".

She took your son somewhere where she knew he might be at danger.

She scared your son.

She was told by your son that he was worried and she brushed his legitimate fears off.

She set the most appalling example of how to behave to your son.

She was not capable of caring for your son adequately because she was "absolutely wasted".

How many more reasons do you need to ditch her and to keep your son away from her?

BelleEnd · 25/07/2011 12:14

That is horrible. Your blood must have run cold when you heard where he was.

There's no way I'd have been confident enough at eleven to tell a friend's mother that I was uncomfortable with the plans she'd made for me. Your poor ds.

takethisonehereforastart · 25/07/2011 12:19

I have to agree with DogsBestFriend here.

I'd be furious. Eleven is far too young to be reasoning with a drunk adult about why he doesn't want to go to a "rough pub" where his alcoholic, abusive father and his cronies might be drinking and causing trouble, especially if that adult already knows the circumstances.

She should have called you as soon as they decided to leave her house and go elsewhere, just to let you know.

yoshiLunk · 25/07/2011 12:20

Not unreasonable to take your DS to a pub with a bouncy castle,

very unreasonable though in light of a) her knowledge of your situation with ex etc, b) that it was a bit rough, c) that she was wasted or even drunk enough that your DS was worried about it

Has your DS got any other friends to do things with over the holidays, - if so I would encourage some other meet ups and see how the holiday pans out.

In the meantime cancel the next meeting you have with your 'friend' and her DS - she should realise what it's about and explain/apologise. If she doesn't realise or apologise then you have your answer - she is not the kind of friend you want, which I know is sad for the children but is no reason to put your DS in a dangerous or at the least worrying situation.

Original poster

kaluki · 25/07/2011 12:24

Thanks for your replies.
AKMD - I have wondered for a while now if she is drinking too much, as sometimes she does smell of drink. But its usually that night before smell, not fresh IYSWIM! I know she likes a glass of wine (or three) in the evening, but that's not really unusual is it?
I won't leave ds there again. Her son is lovely and I want the boys to keep in touch but I feel at the moment like I don't want anything to do with her. I feel betrayed.

OP posts:

ChaoticAngelofGryffindor · 25/07/2011 12:27

YANBU agree with DgosBestFriend

At 11 I wouldn't have had the confidence to say anything to a friend's mum either.

Original poster

kaluki · 25/07/2011 12:27

Sorry, should have said. Ex isn't ds's father but we were together for 4 years. Ds is terrified of ex after ex went crazy when we split up and assaulted me in front of him.
Not a happy time in my life!!!

OP posts:

yoshiLunk · 25/07/2011 12:33

Oh kaluki, your poor DS, and you - I understand why you fee betrayed - she's really let you down.

Is there a chance that she'll realise what she's done and sort herself out? And could you trust her again? It's a shame for the boys

CurrySpice · 25/07/2011 12:33

It's not being in a pub per se, it's that pub, and her being wasted that's the problem. What a stupid thing for her to do. YANBU

I'm sorry you're having so many troubles Kaluki :(

lisianthus · 25/07/2011 13:09

DogsBestFriend sums it up for me too. No way I would be going on holiday with a woman who knowingly put my child at risk even after he tried to object.

AnansiGirl · 25/07/2011 13:13

In addition to what's been said, I'd get your DS a cheap PAYG phone. He could have used it to tell you to pick him up the minute he wasn't happy.
Especially if you have a violent ex still in the same area.

pearlym · 25/07/2011 13:16

I think it is unreasonableto change plans for the day wihtout agreeign wihtthe other mother. If I decided to take kids out of my house, e.g. to a park, up town shopping, anywhere other than ageed place I would telphone the other mother to agree it and woudl expect the same courtesy back. Yuo are not being unreasoanble to be very upset, yuor poor son, to have to be inthe care of a drunk, particularly when he has that bad family experience of drinking. I had similare family background and it still upsets me to see kids wiht drunken adults. I thik she should not take kids into pubs anyway, but that is just my view

Callisto · 25/07/2011 13:21

I was all ready to tell you that you were being unreasonable from the thread title, but having read your OP you are absolutely not being unreasonable at all. Your ex-friend is clearly a selfish twat and I feel so sorry for your poor son. Dump her and tell her exactly why you are doing so. Hopefully the boys can remain friends in some way.

nannyl · 25/07/2011 15:43

i too was already to say YABU.... but buy the end of your thread NO WAY AYBU

Original poster

kaluki · 26/07/2011 10:22

Thanks. Its good to hear that you all think IANBU.
Having had a few days to calm down, I still feel really let down by my 'friend' and can never trust her again. So that's not a friendship at all is it?
She hasn't contacted me this week which is unusual for her so I think she must know how I feel, maybe she feels a bit ashamed or embarrassed? Either way I will wait till she contacts me and then tell her I'm not interested in meeting up in the summer holidays. The boys can arrange stuff themselves now - it will do them good I think.

OP posts:

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