To think that if you're broke you don't pay for someone else to go on holiday?

[sacredcow]

I must be mental to post in AIBU as this involves my DSD, but sod it!

We're not very well off financially at the minute. We've had to cut back on everything and I'm telling you its not been easy. So this year,we've not had a holiday and all the stuff we've done with the kids has been free and local.

So you can imagine how delighted I was when DH told me that he'd paid for grown up DSD to go on an AI holiday to the Med with her BF. Let me reiterate thats grown up DSD. Has left home, lives with boyfriend, works etc.

Now if he was helping her out with bills or rent or buying essentials then I wouldn't give two hoots as that's what parents are for. However AIBU to think that paying for someone else to go on bloody good holiday when at the same time you're telling your wife that you don't have any more money to contribute to the family finances is just fucking ridiculous and that if DSD couldn't afford an AI holiday in the med this year then her and her BF should have gone for something a bit cheaper. Hmm?

I'd ask him where the £600 for each of his other two children to go on holiday was. Ok so they are little and you'd have to go with them but if he had £600 'spare'(!) cash surely he should split it between the three of them and not just give it to one of them.

Have your dc got their own bank accounts? Could you ask him that from here on in he treats all his children equally so that if he gives money to his dd then he puts the same aside for your joint dc - even if they are little and you need to stick it in an account for them rather than give it to them to fritter away on sweets. If he says he can't afford it, then you get to have a discussion about why he thinks it is fair to treat them differently. Because if he can afford to give his dd a pound then actually he can afford to give each of them 33p even if he can't give them all a pound.

Would it also be worth getting him to look at the www.moneysavingexpert.co.uk to get ideas on working out expenditure and budgeting in general, they have some good templates for working out household expenditure that might realise how expensive it is to run the house these days rather than letting you increase your contributions!

Divorce him. He can then take all the dc on holiday and you get a break.

I would be furious in the same situation but mostly about the devious way that he went about it. Sneaky.

InTheNightKitchen Fair enough. Its just a shame that its at the expense of his other children really.

InTheNightKitchen NO! The money is not HIS!

The money that he earns should go into the family pot just as the OPs money does. The spare money after bills are paid should be divided between each of the children with treats for each of them.

The OP and her children haven't had a single treat all year as they have been scrimping to make ends meet. The DH has refused to put in his full share and now it turns out that the reason for that is because he's been saving up to send 1 of his children on an expensive holiday, despite the fact that she is a grown up and has her own house.

How poor do you think his other 2 children should become before he starts to rethink his use of the family money! FFS

I don't agree it's fair enough. Not when he's added to your financial burden by saying he can't afford to contribute to the family pot. Why not? Because he's given 600 quid to his daughter for a jolly. It's not technically "his" money if he's expecting the OP to sub him for family neceessities.

The older child should be supporting herself anyway, particularly when it comes to luxuries. The little ones have no such choice.

He has been unreasonable and he knows it doesn't he? I would be fuming too. Give him a heap of hell

Night Kitchen Yes it may be his money and his daughter, but there are two other children which are his who are missing out and going without because he is spending on non-essential items for his grown up daughter.

OP I felt similarly peeved (but not to this degree!) when DSS did a weekend job recently, driven to and fro by DH at either end of stupid o'clock, earned a nice little packet then blew the lot on one luxury item. Now we didn't expect to see any of his money of course, but seeing as we facilitated his ability to do the job we felt we should direct him to do something sensible with the money - like put tax on his car, - but I guess we'll be paying for that then.

YANBU

OP: We've had to cut back on everything and I'm telling you its not been easy

yes they have been going without their normal way of living, they will have noticed the pinch too, - and he's gone and blown a load of money on an unnecessary luxury for a grown up, - can't see how you can justify it personally.

If you had money left over after all the bills were paid from your joint wages and you divided it up, then yes of course he could spend it on his daughter if he wished and you could spend yours on shoes or whatever (hmm shoes). But you have no money left over, you are already putting in more then him, he lied and said he couldn't equal your amount as he didn't have any. Yet he was actually saving it for a holiday for his adult child.

How do you feel about this OP? If I was being pushed into a life of poverty (maybe slightly exagerating here) by my DH because he witheld the money he had even though the family needed it and lied about having it, then spent it on an unneccessary treat for one member of the family only, I think I would cave his head in with a brick!

InTheNightKitchen she also said We've had to cut back on everything and I'm telling you its not been easy . . . all the stuff we've done with the kids has been free and local.

ITNK - no it's not a right but if all three children were living in the same house would it still be ok to pay for one and not the others (and this one was earning her own money?!)

We still haven't heard if that £600 covered the boyfriend too.
Not sure I'd spend that much on myself per person for a holiday, let alone someone else.

I would be digging a large hole under the patio right now, OP, with your DH's name on.

Ordinarily I am in favour of having completely shared finances, but I think you have to be careful here that he doesn't just spend all the money in the joint account the next time something like this crops up.

I think a better approach might be to stop subbing him. He says that he can't afford to pay more into the joint account, but that's clearly a lie if he has £600 to give to his DD. Prices have gone up - why should you have to cover the additional cost, while he gets to carry on as before. It's not your problem if he no longer has much 'spare' money. You don't have any either.

In lying to you about what he can afford, he is in effect stealing from you. Livid wouldn't begin to cover it if this was my DH. this is about more than money, it's about not being able to trust what he tells you.

karmabeliever Totally agree!

Errrmmm .... to those who say he can spend "his" money how he likes, how do you account for the fact that the OP feels obliged to spend "her" money on topping up the joint household account from which essential family and household bills are paid ??!!r

.... and that's because he has lied about not being able to contribute anything towards the top-up because he was secreting cash away for a very expensive treat for his working and adult "child".

Not only has the OP done the honorable thing and put in her share for increased household expenses, she has also subbed him because he is a selfish liar. And yes, it is selfish, to spend money on a luxury item (whoever it's for) whilst leaving your partner to pick up the tab for essentials. That means the OP can't spend "her" money "how she likes" because she's being responsible and thinking about the needs of the whole family.

Yet some people think she's being unreasonable. Unbelievable.

YANBU

I'd be telling him that I would expect him to find £600 for each of the other DC, even if only to put in their savings accounts (assuming they have them). How he found the money to do so would be his problem.

Like MJ I'd be furious about the lies and deception as well.

InTheNightGarden if as you say 'there is no human right to going on holiday' - and I agree, by the way - then it isn't something he should have bought for one of his children while expecting the others to have none. Fairness between the kids is more the issue here, although the contradiction of 'my money is mine, your money is ours' is a close second.

OP - I did ask earlier about treats he has himself. Is there nothing of his you could ask him to give up to spend on your younger DC? Even a weekend away or day trip out would be worth considering. A shorter holiday is better than nothing at all and the DC are less likely to feel hard done by then. Plus they will have something to write about in the 'What I did in my holidays' essay in September

You wrote: with food and petrol going up, he said he could not contribute any more, so you have made up the difference.

That is what really gets me. It is essential things that he ducked out of paying for. And he had the money all along.

So how's this: all his and your pay goes in a joint account. You each get $50 spending money. Next month if any is left over, you either divvy it up equally or save it.

Fair enough? Absolutely. He'll hate it though!

sacredcow Mon 25-Jul-11 10:01:30

"What am I going to do now? Insist that we both pay everything into the joint account. Set up a savings account for anything left over at the end of the month, watch him like a hawk and confiscate any duty free fags she brings back to him and bloody well sell them to take me and DCs out for the day!"

Not just this- sounds as though he smokes from this comment, I'd be insisting that there is no money available at all to smoke until he has paid back the £600 that the family accounts are short by.

YANBU. Your DH has been VVU- paying for a another adult's holiday without discussion, and lying about money to you. Both totally unacceptable.

Have you got any further with this OP ?