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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you're broke you don't pay for someone else to go on holiday?

91 replies

sacredcow · 25/07/2011 08:49

I must be mental to post in AIBU as this involves my DSD, but sod it!

We're not very well off financially at the minute. We've had to cut back on everything and I'm telling you its not been easy. So this year,we've not had a holiday and all the stuff we've done with the kids has been free and local.

So you can imagine how delighted I was when DH told me that he'd paid for grown up DSD to go on an AI holiday to the Med with her BF. Let me reiterate thats grown up DSD. Has left home, lives with boyfriend, works etc.

Now if he was helping her out with bills or rent or buying essentials then I wouldn't give two hoots as that's what parents are for. However AIBU to think that paying for someone else to go on bloody good holiday when at the same time you're telling your wife that you don't have any more money to contribute to the family finances is just fucking ridiculous and that if DSD couldn't afford an AI holiday in the med this year then her and her BF should have gone for something a bit cheaper. Hmm?

OP posts:
Original poster
sacredcow · 25/07/2011 10:01

Whosegotmyeyebrows - to be honest I've not really questioned it, fool that I am. I just assumed it was going on essentials or helping DSD out.

Out of interest, I'm not angry at all with DSD. Hell, if I was her age and my dad offered to send me on holiday I would have bitten his hand off too and she had no idea about our financial situation as we certainly don't discuss it with her.

My row is with him. Fairly and squarely with him.

What am I going to do now? Insist that we both pay everything into the joint account. Set up a savings account for anything left over at the end of the month, watch him like a hawk and confiscate any duty free fags she brings back to him and bloody well sell them to take me and DCs out for the day!

OP posts:
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 25/07/2011 10:03

Good for you! It doesn't really sounds as though she needs helping out anyway, not compared to your situation.

Is he apologetic at all?

knittedbreast · 25/07/2011 10:05

the only thing i would be angry about is that he didnt tell you first. its his daughter, just cos shes a grown up dousnt mean they stop being your children

NRGless · 25/07/2011 10:08

Wow this man sounds a bit of an idiot (sorry). I feel angry for you, what the hell did he think he was playing at? My instant reaction would be to scope out all available funds, stuff what he thinks about needing to pay this that or the other and pay for a weekend away to butlins for you and the kids, not him. Just apologise for him not going and justify it by saying there was only enough funds for the 3 of you. Butlins has an amazing deal on at the moment Wink.
His DD is an adult and should pay for her own holiday, if she can't pay she can't go. Simple as. A holiday is a luxury, not a necessity.

Original poster
sacredcow · 25/07/2011 10:10

Really knittedbreast? You really think its OK to send one of your DCs on an expensive holiday while telling the other two that we can't afford a holiday this year?

Interesting POV but thanks.

OP posts:
rookiemater · 25/07/2011 10:24

What to do now? I would give your DH the opportunity a chance to make it right. Tell him you expect that you all ( with or without DSD) expect to go on holiday as he can afford it for his DD.

You could perhaps look out some cheap holidays in the UK and price them up. If it will genuinely push you into debt then perhaps it is an undertaking for next Easter or Summer but he must remember this and prioritise all his children equally.
What sort of conversation have you had with him? Does he genuinely "get" why what he has done is wrong or is he being defensive as if its the latter he is going to keep on doing it in some shape or form.

Original poster
sacredcow · 25/07/2011 10:31

I am going to talk to him about it again tonight and thanks to MN I am feeling much better for having a rant, so I won't kill him! I think we need to look at putting everything into the joint so at least we can discuss large outgoings like this one before they happen.

I don't want a holiday as I know we can't afford it, but at least with everything going into a central pot, I'll know that its fair.

Thanks all!

OP posts:
rookiemater · 25/07/2011 10:35

Ah but you can get planning in place for next years holiday, maybe set up a separate account that you pay money into each month which should equal at least £600 by next summer ( ideally of course it would be £600 x 4 to make it truly fair but that is quite a lot of money) so you don't have this problem again.
Oh and make it dual signature so your DH doesn't siphon it off for DSD again Grin

Pootles2010 · 25/07/2011 10:41

I think you're going about it the right way, we're doing the same at the moment - getting rid of our own seperate accounts and just having the joint one.

I think it makes you more careful financially, because you think of the money more as our money rather than my money iyswim.

harassedandherbug · 25/07/2011 10:54

YANBU, but then you know that!

I have grownup children and def would not be subbing them for a holiday. If they were stuck with rent/bills etc then then I would, and do, help them out. But a holiday isn't a necessity!

knittedbreast I don't really get the whole "his dd, his money" scenario. As a step parent myself, with a child and one on the way with dh, surely it's family money and especially as it's such a large amount. Also, the dd is a child of the family, and why should she get a lovely holiday and the younger two nothing?

We're not having a holiday this year for financial reasons, and I wouldn't be happy contributing to someone else's either!

catsmother · 25/07/2011 11:10

Did you actually read the OP properly Knittedbreast ?

If you can afford to treat an adult child - and that means that other family members don't lose out - then fair enough, but currently, this family are counting every £, so why the hell do you think it's right and fair that just one member of the family gets treated ?

On top of that, this man has gone about the whole business very sneakily. The OP sounds as if she has a fair financial system set up re: household expenses and individual spends, yet her husband has basically been lying to her by saying he can't afford to top up the joint account for a while. Makes me think this holiday has been in the pipeline for a while and he's been putting family money aside for that. It simply isn't fair .... the message he's effectively sending is that he feels his eldest "child's" "wants" are more important than basic family necessities (i.e. his responsibility to contribute fairly to the household), never mind whether the rest of them go on holiday or not.

I'd really want to know how he's going to make this fair. Does he have any "stuff" for example he could sell, so that sum could go into the joint account ? ...... and I'd also want an assurance that he never does anything like this again without discussing it first.

revolutionscoop · 25/07/2011 11:19

A couple of posters have said that they would help their grown up dc with rent/bills but not with holidays. What if the fact that you were paying rent/bills was enabling dc to spend their own money on designer gear/ holidays which you yourself wouldn't be able to afford? Purely hypothetical, of course.

harassedandherbug · 25/07/2011 11:37

I've helped my ds's on occasion with rent etc. They're my sons, I know they're not on holiday or out on shopping sprees!

That's seems quite a daft comment to me....... To be helping your children you'd have to be close to them in the first place and know what's going on.

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 25/07/2011 11:45

YANBU. Like an earlier poster on reading the title I thought "DSC issue" - although it is a DH issue really.

Holidays are a luxury not an entitlement. If we can't save enough for one we don't have one.

It is one thing to help out with essentials and emergencies - how much is a very subjective issue I guess - but another thing altogether to fund luxuries when you are really hard up yourselves. I would fund smaller amounts in the form of a loan though (probably interest free) - we've done that with DH's DS and my parents have done it for us. Again though we'd have to be solvent as well and not struggling. It'd be different if the parents were rich.

OP did the BF pay for themselves?

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 25/07/2011 11:56

My dad paid one month's rent a while ago. DH has been off work (prolapsed disc) since September and his sick pay stopped without warning. It was really scary as I was still looking for work then.

However we are paying him back slowly. They needed some big stuff for the house so we bought that for them and took the amount off what we owed them. Also they'd agreed ages ago to buy DD a bike for her birthday, but we paid and again they took that amount off. DH has now had his contract terminated so when he gets his final paycheck we will be able to give them the rest.

They have been really nice and not hurried us to pay them back - because they knew we were in shit creek and they also trust us to pay back what and when we can. They know we wouldn't ask unless we really needed it (actually I think dad offered) so the luxuries thing isn't an issue at all. Also I loaned them £500 when I was a teen so it goes both ways in our family :)

Pandemoniaa · 25/07/2011 12:22

It's not the financial help itself that is the issue, it's the financial help for something that the OP's own family can't afford to enjoy. I'd be equally pissed off to discover one of my grown-up stepchildren being given similar help. Over the years I know that DP has baled out, or offered financial help to them for things that my own children wouldn't consider asking for assistance with and while I've been a bit "hmmmmmm" about it, the important thing is that these contributions haven't affected the quality of our life together so I've kept schtum. DP, in fairness, has always been supportive of any dosh I've given to my dcs on occasion but again, this was not at the expense of us.

I've learnt, over the years, that it can be well nigh impossible to unpick the baggage that seems to come with partners and their grown-up children. In the words of The Psychiatrist about Basil Fawlty "there's a conference-worth of material there". But YANBU, OP in being livid and I think that stern words have got to be said.

lesley33 · 25/07/2011 12:49

I think one of the problems is keeping your money separate. I can see why your DH would think of the money he has separately as "his" money. And I can also see why he would argue that it is up to him to spend "his" money how he likes.

You really need to be sharing all of your money so it is for the family.

I understand why you are livid - YANBU. But I also understand why guilt at the divorce may make him financially more indulgent with his DC than a parent who has not divorced. So I think you need to try and understand his point of view, and then agree how you will deal with money in the future together.

FourThousandHoles · 25/07/2011 12:56

I would be fuming op, especially as the dsd is an adult and supposedly financially independent and you are not holidaying yourselves this year

dp and I have a joint account, all money ie salaries, child benefit etc etch goes into that, we each get "paid" from that account a small amount each month into our own personal account

ALL household expenses including holidays, occasional extravagances, anything for the children etc etc goes out of the joint account

would that work for you do you think?

Original poster
sacredcow · 25/07/2011 12:58

I think you're right about him seeing the money being his money to spend how he wants, which would be fine if he wasn't telling me that he was short of cash and if the other two weren't going without.

I think the only outcome of this will be that our finances go fully joint. I can't keep on putting more money into our family pot if he's going to spend that much elsewhere on a non-essential.

I have to Grin at the divorce comment though. It's been 23 years!

OP posts:
Original poster
sacredcow · 25/07/2011 13:01

FourthousandHoles - That makes sense. That we only get money into our personal account after everything else is paid for and perhaps some joint savings were made?

I think if we did it that way and he saved up his money and did the same, I wouldn't mine as I'd know it wasn't at the expense of covering the other outgoings.

OP posts:
FourThousandHoles · 25/07/2011 13:13

we have a set amount each (the same amount even though dp earns most of the money) every month. Mine goes on gym membership and mobile phone contract and chocolate. We have a joint savings account as well that gets a set amount every month.

Anything left over at the end of the month stays in the account, and gets blown on stupid things like garden furniture in case the boiler blows up or whatever

Gonzo33 · 25/07/2011 13:42

Mr Gonzo just wouldn't do it. As far as we are concerned the priority is keeping the roof over the kids heads and food in their bellies. If either of our boys (both from previous relationships) came to us and said they wanted money for a holiday and we were skint they'd be told to jog on. Although tbh even if we weren't skint we'd probably tell them to jog on because a holiday is an added extra not an essential in our books. We haven't had one in 3 years, won't get one for another 5 minimum. If they came to us and said I have been made redundant I haven't got the money to pay my mortgage I'd tell them they were stupid to not have savings and then help them out.

I love my kids, but I would only help them financially with the essentials.

OldMacEIEIO · 25/07/2011 13:51

YABU
If he has managed to save up a little of his own money he can spend on what he likes. If you dont thinks its right that he should have his own little bit of money, you need to have that discussion with him.
Do you manage to squirrel away a little bit of money yourself ? or does it all go into the pot ?

susiedaisy · 25/07/2011 13:52

YANBU

pootlebug · 25/07/2011 13:59

YANBU

I agree with a pp that if you put all the money into one pot, then maybe have a separate joint savings account (for holidays, things for your kids etc), and then a small amount of personal money each for things just for yourselves....whether that is clothes or CDs or whatever. If he goes without anything for himself in order to treat your DSD then that's up to him, but at least all the family money is in another pot.