To think that if you're broke you don't pay for someone else to go on holiday?

[sacredcow]

I must be mental to post in AIBU as this involves my DSD, but sod it!

We're not very well off financially at the minute. We've had to cut back on everything and I'm telling you its not been easy. So this year,we've not had a holiday and all the stuff we've done with the kids has been free and local.

So you can imagine how delighted I was when DH told me that he'd paid for grown up DSD to go on an AI holiday to the Med with her BF. Let me reiterate thats grown up DSD. Has left home, lives with boyfriend, works etc.

Now if he was helping her out with bills or rent or buying essentials then I wouldn't give two hoots as that's what parents are for. However AIBU to think that paying for someone else to go on bloody good holiday when at the same time you're telling your wife that you don't have any more money to contribute to the family finances is just fucking ridiculous and that if DSD couldn't afford an AI holiday in the med this year then her and her BF should have gone for something a bit cheaper. Hmm?

[sacredcow]

Dexi - this is indeed AIBU, but you may want to check out the note from MNHQ at the top where it says to be civil and no personal attacks.

Just to be clear. I wasn't speaking for others. I found you calling another poster "a stupid fuck" offensive and I called you on it. Since you find that hard to accept, I've reported the post.

[Indenturedserf]

I think you are more of a saint than a sacred cow.

Does he have a lot of guilt regarding being the absent parent of DSD? because his behaviour , especially as she is an adult does not make much sense to me.

[Dozer]

Am sorry OP. That is bad/sad.

Maybe relationship counselling?

Maybe ultimatum / short, sharp shock?

[Dexifehatz]

Sacred-This is AIBU.If you want a soothing 'Oh Dearie me,what's to be done?' I suggest you find another forum.Don't put anything on here you can't take-I've learnt that the very hard way.Type with a hard hat on.Don't speak for others,in the future let them tell me if they are offended thank you.

[QuintessentialShadow]

It is pretty shit.

Ask him if the only way he will find money for all his childrens holidays is to split up with their mother.

(sorry if that is below the belt, but for some reason this has really upset me)

[catsmother]

You poor thing. I had a nasty feeling he'd react like that. Of course he's utterly and totally wrong. There is no justification - none whatsoever - for him spending money on any sort of "luxury" item - when you're struggling to afford necessities. It would be bad enough if he was buying golf clubs or some such but this is even more insulting because his actions (and his reaction when you tried to talk about it) screams that he feels his oldest child (who's an adult FFS) is more important than anyone else in the family. I want to slap him round the head on your behalf to try and knock some sense into him.

I agree with Inertia that you should at least start thinking about how things would work if you separated. Knowledge is power and all that .... but I don't see how you can possibly bear to stay in a relationship where things are so uneven and where he's behaving so contemptuously without a shred of shame. Sooner or later you'll go mad with resentment plus one day there's every chance that your kids, when they're older, will start to suss out that their older sister is the favoured child.

If you want to stay in the relationship, I'd insist that he came to counselling with you. Maybe some 3rd party involvement might help him see how grossly unfair and selfish he's being.

As for "resenting" their relationship I'd tell him that he can't have much of a relationship if he feels he has to buoy it up by spending 100s of pounds he doesn't technically have (as it should be household money for basic bills). There are plenty of ways their relationship can be sustained without throwing money at it. Does he think his daughter's so shallow that she'd reject him if he didn't pay for her holiday ??

[Inertia]

Whatever your plans for the future of the relationship, it might be an idea to figure out how the finances would work if you were to separate. It might open his eyes to consider how much he would be paying in terms of maintenance for your younger children - the CSA won't take holiday payments to his adult, working daughter into account.

[clam]

"In his mind what he gives to DSD is completely separate and he doesn't count it at all." Well he can say that 'til he's blue in the face but it doesn't change the fact that it is NOT completely separate and he SHOULD count it.

And you should calmly and clearly tell him that the only thing you resent is his inability to acknowledge or appreciate the contributions you have made to his DD and your own family.

[fedupofnamechanging]

If you posted in relationships you might not get a resounding 'leave him'. If, otoh, you did get that response, then it might be because the information you post, leads people to the conclusion that the relationship has nowhere to go.

Of course it is your prerogative to ask for advice and then ignore it. Only you really know whether this is basically a good relationship or not. Truthfully though, you don't sound too happy.

Of course you need to get him to understand that it is wrong not to pay his fair share to your joint expenses, whilst spending extra money on his adult DD. He is treating her as separate to your family, which is not fair to any of you.

It comes down to whether you you are prepared to put up with things or make a stand.

[LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn]

So does he basically gave her what he used to pay in maintance? How long does he intend to do that for?

[sacredcow]

Wasn't going to come back and post, but thought it polite to update.

First off Dexi - that comment is out of order. No, I don't agree with what they wrote either, but your response was harsh.

It didn't go well with DH. In his mind what he gives to DSD is completely separate and he doesn't count it at all when he is working out what he can contribute to our finances. He did what he always does if I so much as dare to question anything with regards to DSD which was to act like a twat and come out with some such shit as accusing me of resenting their relationship, which is utter bollocks.

I've never resented their relationship. I've been on the scene since she was in primary school and have always had a good relationship with her. I've never resented the finances either - in fact when he was made redundant a few years back (he's working again now), it was muggins here who carried on paying the damn maintenance, even though technically we could have had it drastically reduced as his income was a big fat fuck all.

He doesn't see at all why paying for her to go on holiday while at the same time telling me how stressed he is about money and how he can't afford to contribute any more is not right. In his head "Us" i.e. the two of us not being able to afford a holiday for the two DCs has nothing to do with they money that he gives to DSD.

To be honest, this situation is just one more in a long line of things that have utterly fucked me off recently and I am more and more wondering what the hell I am getting out of this relationship as frankly, its just another example of how he takes the piss.

I'd post in relationships, but will live without the Greek Chorus of 'Leave him'.

Hmm, this turned into a rant didn't it. Oh well.

[5Foot5]

Have you asked him if he is going to explain to your DCs why they can't go on holiday this year because Daddy has spent the spare money on a holiday for DSD?

[welshbyrd]

Shit!!!! Sorry wrong thread Warra wally!!!!

[revolutionscoop]

Huh?

[welshbyrd]

Yeah - sorry been so busy, weather has been so good, we have been taking advantage of it
Took her to the pool. I let her look through the window over looking the pools, {it was extremely busy, which worried me more}.
Asked DD did she want to go in, she shook her head, so we just watched through the window for maybe 3 minutes, she then grabbed my hand and said"come on mummy"and headed towards the changing rooms.
Got her changed [and myself] and she headed straight for the pool, we spend over an hour in there, I threw a duck around the baby pool and she chased and brought it back. Spent about 20 minutes of her jumping off the sides into my arms.
She loved it, she did not get shy, or cry if someone looked/got near her. It was fantastic
Yesterday took DCs to the beach, she played happily with a little boy for ages.
Last night, took her to a green near my sisters, had the whole streets children out playing bowls, and she was fantastic, there was maybe 18 children there[ a lot of whom she had not met before]
She is up the park with DD13yo, I have been popping my head out the window to check for screaming [blus] so far all is quiet
Planning to take her swimming again tomorrow
Hoping next week to go to the soft play center, we have not been for a few weeks, last time we went she just sat on my lap, even when I encouraged her to play with me in the ball area, as other children where there, she would not do it. Before this, she would have had her shoes off, and ready to go, whilst I was queuing to pay
Have had 2 tantrums in 2 days too. which really is if nothing else a miracle, we would have a crying match at least 8 times a day, with toys being thrown
Oh, the battle of getting into her car seat, seems to have improved. I ask her [have to about 10 times mind] to sit in her seat please, and eventually she does it. I thank her,and she sits there smiling, almost pleased with herself
Im feeling rested, and positive at the moment

[catsmother]

Have you got any further with this OP ?

[Inertia]

sacredcow Mon 25-Jul-11 10:01:30

"What am I going to do now? Insist that we both pay everything into the joint account. Set up a savings account for anything left over at the end of the month, watch him like a hawk and confiscate any duty free fags she brings back to him and bloody well sell them to take me and DCs out for the day!"

Not just this- sounds as though he smokes from this comment, I'd be insisting that there is no money available at all to smoke until he has paid back the £600 that the family accounts are short by.

YANBU. Your DH has been VVU- paying for a another adult's holiday without discussion, and lying about money to you. Both totally unacceptable.

[HansieMom]

You wrote: with food and petrol going up, he said he could not contribute any more, so you have made up the difference.

That is what really gets me. It is essential things that he ducked out of paying for. And he had the money all along.

So how's this: all his and your pay goes in a joint account. You each get $50 spending money. Next month if any is left over, you either divvy it up equally or save it.

Fair enough? Absolutely. He'll hate it though!

[EightiesChick]

InTheNightGarden if as you say 'there is no human right to going on holiday' - and I agree, by the way - then it isn't something he should have bought for one of his children while expecting the others to have none. Fairness between the kids is more the issue here, although the contradiction of 'my money is mine, your money is ours' is a close second.

OP - I did ask earlier about treats he has himself. Is there nothing of his you could ask him to give up to spend on your younger DC? Even a weekend away or day trip out would be worth considering. A shorter holiday is better than nothing at all and the DC are less likely to feel hard done by then. Plus they will have something to write about in the 'What I did in my holidays' essay in September

[ChaoticAngelofGryffindor]

YANBU

I'd be telling him that I would expect him to find £600 for each of the other DC, even if only to put in their savings accounts (assuming they have them). How he found the money to do so would be his problem.

Like MJ I'd be furious about the lies and deception as well.

[catsmother]

Errrmmm .... to those who say he can spend "his" money how he likes, how do you account for the fact that the OP feels obliged to spend "her" money on topping up the joint household account from which essential family and household bills are paid ??!!r

.... and that's because he has lied about not being able to contribute anything towards the top-up because he was secreting cash away for a very expensive treat for his working and adult "child".

Not only has the OP done the honorable thing and put in her share for increased household expenses, she has also subbed him because he is a selfish liar. And yes, it is selfish, to spend money on a luxury item (whoever it's for) whilst leaving your partner to pick up the tab for essentials. That means the OP can't spend "her" money "how she likes" because she's being responsible and thinking about the needs of the whole family.

Yet some people think she's being unreasonable. Unbelievable.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

karmabeliever Totally agree!