Was I overly confrontational? TBF you all warned me about this last time

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Posted a while ago regarding partner never letting me visit his house. On the odd occasion that he allowed me to go he had to have tons of notice and then would make up every excuse possible to try and get out of it. An example being that if I left my shopping there by accident I'd send him a text saying "I'll pop around in half hour and pick it up" and he'll text back saying "No no, I'll bring it to you" so I'd reply "but I'm literally going right past your house in half an hour anyway, I might as well stop by" and he'd still try and insist on bringing it to me.

Anyway last time I posted, the general opinion was that he was living with another woman. I found this not to be the case after turning up and practically forcing my way into his house and making a bit of a twat of myself

So I was happy that he was just generally untidy and was embarassed by the mess in the house.

Some of you wasn't happy with that explanation.

Well it's come back, the whole issue. Yesterday I asked him if he could look at my laptop for me. He said yes so I said "when shall I bring it down?" and he said "its ok, I'll pick it up on the way back from work" This goes right out of his way but whatever, couldn't be arsed to argue, assumed he was genuinly trying to save me the drive. So he took it and I said I'd pick it up from his house tomorow (today). He agreed. But before he left he said "actually, will you be up about 5.45am?" on a sunday? err no. So he said "Its just that I could have dropped it off on the way to work". So I knew a string of excuses was coming again and I've just had enough, normal couples don't act like this. So I said "no, I won't be up, I'll pick it up from your house tomorow afternoon, I'm up that way tomorow anyway."

He reluctantly agreed.

Then last night I got a text saying "Shall I drop the laptop off on the way home tomorow, save you a drive?" so I said "No, Im picking it up." No reply.

Then at 8.15am this morning he sent me a text saying "are you up?" and I just know he was going to bring the bloody thing back so I text back and said "yes but I'm out."

so - 10am guess who turns up at the door with the laptop, all smiles saying "here, I saved you a job".

So I snapped and said "what is it with you trying to keep me away from your house?? what is going on??" so he said "oh not this again" but I'm right, it IS bloody wierd behaviour isn't it!? So I said "its not normal, you go out of your way to make sure I don't darken your doorstep, why??" so he tried to make out that he's just trying to be helpful and gets it thrown back in his face etc.

It needed bringing out in the open didn't it? or was I too confrontational over it??

After so long, I reckon she may never find out why

She could stop wasting time with an evasive, secretive and just plain odd indivudual though < shrug >

I agree with the others who say you're not being confrontational enough! You need to discuss it properly with him. And more! Where's the relationship going? Do you intend to live together at some point in the future? Have children?

How often do you see him? Have you met his friends and family? Staying together one night a fortnight after two years seems odd to me.

Sorry to ask, but how old are you both? It's just if you're young (& not wanting commitment/children yet) or older (already have children/a bit 'stuck in your ways'!) then it doesn't seem so strange, but if you're both mid/late 20s to 40s then it is just plain odd.

Sorry mumsnetters for vast generalisation! Don't flame me, I'm trying to help!

I bet he lives with his mum.

Stalk him.

I would

My money is on either A) he has a wife B) he lives with his mum C) he's a player D) he's a serial killer very private person.

Show up unannounced and bursting to use his loo,after a 2 year relationship that is a reasonable request,methinks.

To those who think he has a weird fetish, who do you think he is indulging that with?
OP I would suggest he may be 'entertaining' paid guests or is otherwise indisposed when you may want to turn up.
Either that or he's worried you'll spot the internet history on his PC or is just very sad

OP all joking about transvestitism etc aside - I have been with my DP for just 3 years now.

We moved in together after 1 year. We lived between two different cities prior to this and saw each other 1-2 times a week, alternating between each other's houses.

This is normal. What you are describing is not, no way, no how.

I would not normally tell people over MN how to live their lives, but seriously, if you want DCs in the future or even just a normal life without baggage, ditch this guy. Get on somewhere like Guardian SoulMates if you don't tend to run into men IRL - that's where I met DP - and it lets you chat to people and also 'screen' them by levels of commitment they want.

Get out, date a few more people, be clear about what you want - this is not normal, life is too short, and you don't have to put up with it. Really.

Prior history: (correct me if I'm wrong) You moved into his house/flat and shortly thereafter he moved out and into his current premises, since when he has gone to extraordinary lengths to keep you away from his home.

In the past he has made comments to the effect that you are a messy cow not particularly tidy.

With the encouragement of your m/net support group, a friend of yours (posing as an Avon rep?) knocked on his door but was only able to ascertain that he was at home at that particular moment in time.

With further encouragement you visited unannounced and, when he opened the door, you burst in and ravished him in the hall while noticing that there appeared to be a profusion of sweet wrappers, old papers, and assorted debris littering the place.

In the absence of a further update from you, I had hoped that your spontaneity had broken the ice, so to speak, and that you were both happily staying over in each other's homes.

Unfortunately, it seems you're back at square one and, as advised above, your choice is to either continue to live a one-side life/harbour suspicions with this anal retentive or possibly worse- knobhead or have it out once and for all.

Once again we're all cheering you on and I, for one, hope you'll have a showdown at his OK Corral in the very near future and that you'll let us know the outcome.

He sounds like a commitment-phobe. I have a friend like that, very nice man in his 40s. He has no children, is adamant that he doesn't want any, and has a long-term girlfriend he keeps hanging on and doesn't talk about to his other friends. He bought a piece of land on which to build a house but hasn't been able to commit to building it, so lives in a rented place. He's had lots of girlfriends but has never allowed one to sleep over.
What future do you and your DP see together? Does it involve marriage, children, living together? Why does he only spend one night a fortnight with you? Have you even talked about any of those things?

I always think that when a relationship hits the two year mark, you should be either moving in or moving on. I remember the original thread but lost track of it and did not know about the Avon lady and the you ravishing him in the hall. I am sorry that it did not work but really think you deserve much better.

Kick him into touch.

My bet is he's too fastidious to use a prostitute but doesn't want any other form of relationship with a woman, hence the "shag visit and nothing more" nature of this relationship.
This is why you cannot visit his house or meet his friends, because, to him, you are a non person that he doesn't actually want to spend any time with, except horizontally.

Please dump him.

That was part of the original plan Hilda.

We intended to kick in knock on the door, ask to use the loo and form a disorderly queue while some of us were deployed searching his wardrobes/drawers/cupboards, checking his computer/mobile phone history/pulling up floorboards etc.

The only fly in that ointment Miggsie is that, when he announced that he was off to visit his aged parent, the OP suggested that she accompany him and he made no objection although she didn't follow through and go with him

izzy I think the faux Avon lady established that no girlfriend or wife lived there according to secret squirrel the boyfriend. And that his GF lived at LoweredBrow Road

Gosh yes I remember your original thread. Cannot believe you are back at square one OP after your pushng into the house. How did he behave for the few weeks after that incident?

How long has he been in his house?

I think the not having you at his isnt half as strange as him only spending one night a fortnight with you.

Faux Avon lady? Seriously?
Regardless of what she found out, why would you want to be with someone you have to investigate through faux Avon ladies? Rather than just asking them?

Well quite lesser that's what I've been saying all along. Just talk to the man. I find the OP's inability to frame a reasonable conversation with him the most worrying part of all - they've been together for 2 years FFS!

That you are in a second relationship where the person keeps you at arms length says that you are attracted for that reason alone. Maybe you have insecurity or abandonment issues? I would stop focussing on why he behaves this way and worry more about why you want this kind of man in your life.

Why are you so hell bent on forcing someone to have you around when they clearly do not want you there?

FWIW I would be disappointed and hurt if my partner didn't want me to around. I empathise that this is diffiuclt but I think it's a road to noweher, trying to 'make him see sense'.

I remember your last thread.

It seems that you are stuck in a loop of being attracted to men who do not want to commit and so keep you at arms length.

I think it is time to walk away.

What was your childhood like OP? What about your relationship with your dad? (cliche alert)

I don't think it really matters why he's keeping you away from his house - after all this time, he should be comfortable with you going round there, and if he isn't, the relationship's going nowhere and it's time to call it a day.

I remember your original thread. It is really odd.

I would say you now want to alternate visits to each others houses - no arguments, don't let him make you feel bonkers. Just say you are suspicious of his motives and are sick of being at yours all the time.

I would also say unless he agrees to this you no longer will see him.

i would also insist on alernitive visits to his house

I read the other thread as well, it is very wierd. I thought you'd all lived happily ever after when you went round and there was nothing going on!

It is very strange, I have to say that I have never had a relationship like that, by two years in and still not to go round to his place! Tbh, am quite confused as to why you haven't just gone round at a random time without warning him, to see what the hell's going on! Maybe you don't want to know for some reason?

As an aside, loving the sunroof/krispy kreme side of things!

I recall other thread too! Well the issue isn't going away and I don't think you are being overly confrintational. Wld love to know what this is about.

Have you been with him for 2 years? I have to ask why? Even if he's really nice in other ways, what future can you see with someone so closed and secretive?? Do you actually feel like you are connected with him in a meaningful way?