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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was I overly confrontational? TBF you all warned me about this last time

125 replies

LoweredBrow · 24/07/2011 11:14

Posted a while ago regarding partner never letting me visit his house. On the odd occasion that he allowed me to go he had to have tons of notice and then would make up every excuse possible to try and get out of it. An example being that if I left my shopping there by accident I'd send him a text saying "I'll pop around in half hour and pick it up" and he'll text back saying "No no, I'll bring it to you" so I'd reply "but I'm literally going right past your house in half an hour anyway, I might as well stop by" and he'd still try and insist on bringing it to me.

Anyway last time I posted, the general opinion was that he was living with another woman. I found this not to be the case after turning up and practically forcing my way into his house and making a bit of a twat of myself Grin

So I was happy that he was just generally untidy and was embarassed by the mess in the house.

Some of you wasn't happy with that explanation.

Well it's come back, the whole issue. Yesterday I asked him if he could look at my laptop for me. He said yes so I said "when shall I bring it down?" and he said "its ok, I'll pick it up on the way back from work" This goes right out of his way but whatever, couldn't be arsed to argue, assumed he was genuinly trying to save me the drive. So he took it and I said I'd pick it up from his house tomorow (today). He agreed. But before he left he said "actually, will you be up about 5.45am?" Hmm on a sunday? err no. So he said "Its just that I could have dropped it off on the way to work". So I knew a string of excuses was coming again and I've just had enough, normal couples don't act like this. So I said "no, I won't be up, I'll pick it up from your house tomorow afternoon, I'm up that way tomorow anyway."

He reluctantly agreed.

Then last night I got a text saying "Shall I drop the laptop off on the way home tomorow, save you a drive?" so I said "No, Im picking it up." No reply.

Then at 8.15am this morning he sent me a text saying "are you up?" and I just know he was going to bring the bloody thing back so I text back and said "yes but I'm out."

so - 10am guess who turns up at the door with the laptop, all smiles saying "here, I saved you a job".

So I snapped and said "what is it with you trying to keep me away from your house?? what is going on??" so he said "oh not this again" but I'm right, it IS bloody wierd behaviour isn't it!? So I said "its not normal, you go out of your way to make sure I don't darken your doorstep, why??" so he tried to make out that he's just trying to be helpful and gets it thrown back in his face etc.

It needed bringing out in the open didn't it? or was I too confrontational over it??

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 24/07/2011 11:34

If his explanation is true it's like he's being stubbornly (almost aggressively) helpful and won't let you refuse his help, very odd.

He's desparately trying to control his environment, I do the same, but then I've got severe anxiety problems and home is the only place I feel safe from intrusion.

I don't think you were too confrontational, he's not given you an answer when you've asked before, and if it's important to you you've got every right to ask until he does.

LoweredBrow · 24/07/2011 11:35

I've slept there once, that was the first night he moved in.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 24/07/2011 11:37

hehe, judging by the posts on here, to other people I probably look right dodgy and as if I've got something to hide Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/07/2011 11:38

Does he have bodies stacked up in each room, OP? You wouldn't know, would you? WHY are you putting up with this? Don't you deserve a proper partner who shares his life with you (after two years)? Confused

Your tolerance level is way, way too high... I'm wondering where your self-esteem level is. :(

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/07/2011 11:39
Hmm Grin
Giselle99 · 24/07/2011 11:41

There's probably a mummified corpse in the attic! Or he has a fetish problem. Or a secret drug habit. I wouldn't put up with this - it doesn't feel like a proper relationship.

jasper · 24/07/2011 11:42

can you link to the other thread?

Maybe he just really really values his own space. Odd, but not freakishly weird

PeopleCallMeTricky · 24/07/2011 11:45

I must admit I don't really like anyone coming round to my house when it's a mess, but 2 years and you've only slept there once? There's something he's not telling you, and you need to know what it is, or it'll drive you mad.

ShoutyHamster · 24/07/2011 11:48

No, you're not being confrontational enough.

'I want to spend some time at your place. It bugs me that you are QUITE OBVIOUSLY keeping me away from there. Sorry, that's my opinion, it's based on my own experience, so please don't dismiss it - that makes the issue worse not better, and makes you seem arrogant and patronising as well as shifty. I want to spend a few Saturdays at yours, and after that to alternate weeks - I am tired of spending all my time at mine. You don't want to? Ok. Let me know if you change your mind, until then, let's have a little bit of a rest from each other. It's clear that you want a different level of interaction to me.'

That's about the level of confrontation I'd be aiming for. And at least 50% of that would be BECAUSE he seemed to be moving heaven and earth not just to keep me away, but also to dismiss my feelings on something.

LoweredBrow · 24/07/2011 11:50

The thing is all this happened with my last partner the same Sad it was a long distance relationship and we would only get to see each other once a fortnight. He'd faff around all saturday morning as he just HAD to have a haircut before he came and he just HAD to see his mate and he just HAD to wash the car etc so he didn't even get here until about 5pm on the saturday and then he'd go home on the sunday, it was ridiculous. Yet everytime I suggested that I go and visit him instead he made up an excuse and wouldn't let me go. I never met any of his friends or family. There was a family get together thing that I was invited to and get accidently on purpose told me the wrong date so all my childcare was messed up so we never got to go.

Why does this keep happening to me? Sad

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 24/07/2011 11:50

It is possible, like jasper says, to value your own space without having any criminal or deviant reason for it.

I can understand why someone would think the person has something to hide or they'd be open about everything, but it's not always the case.

LaurieFairyCake · 24/07/2011 11:50

Sex dungeon but in every room

Or he's a hoarder

emmanumber3 · 24/07/2011 11:51

To be fair, I hate people coming into my house Blush. It's almost like agorophobia in reverse (I can go out fine, but don't want other people coming in). I can't explain it any other way but I have panic attacks if I think people are going to visit - and it isn't because my house is a mess either. It's a perfectly normal, everyday, little house in average condition.

Weird I know but considering it's how I am, it just crossed my mind that your DP might be the same. Alternatively, he might be hiding something Smile.

tranquilitygardens · 24/07/2011 11:51

Are you sure he is not married or living with someone else?

LoweredBrow · 24/07/2011 11:52

Hamster that sounds great. I wish I could just come up with stuff like that, it doesn't sound confrontational at all, just logical. I'm going to practice that I think because to be honest, if he turned around and said no, I don't think I'd be that bothered anymore Sad

OP posts:
LineRunner · 24/07/2011 11:58

LoweredBrow, sweetheart, but why are you attracted to men who have 'Not really available' written all over them??

I remember your other thread (it is very memorable!) and pretty much everyone was rooting for you to be a bit more assertive. So YANBU.

I told you a bit of a story about a previous BF of mine, who sounds very similar to your DP. I've kept in touch with my exBF since then, as work friends, and since then I've found out that he swims in a sea of debt, dope, internet gambling with his mates, commitment phobia, depresssion, food issues, needing to be lone for days on end to drink vodka, and an addiction to adultery.

Charming guy, though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/07/2011 11:59

LoweredBrow... In a nutshell, it's happening to you because you're allowing it. The reality of the situation is that you must be a very tolerant and kind-natured person to accept other people for exactly what they are. The thing is, in a relationship, it's supposed to be give and take. You're obviously a giver and in this 'vacuum', your partner is taking up all the slack that you're happy to give. Why would he need to buck himself up and make provision for you and your wishes when you're letting him have his way on everything.

It's two years.... or it's 'only' two years, whichever way you look at it. There's plenty of time for you to find somebody new who is more giving and considerate of you and your wishes - if you want to. You're unhappy about the way this relationship is going, justifiably so, and from the last time you posted to this time, there has been no change.

You could stop him coming to your place for a start. Mirror his behaviour and then see how that feels to you. I'd be interested to see whether he decides to 'unbend' or whether you finally decide you've had enough.

You deserve better, LB, in this relationship and the last one. Something in the way you're behaving is allowing these men to impose their oddities on you... and you obviously don't like it. You're in the driving seat. :)

spookshowangel · 24/07/2011 12:00

this is not on, please read the signs, is it really that bad being on your own that you would put up with this shit from this guy?

LoweredBrow · 24/07/2011 12:00

LineRunner - its so strange because this man also has debt issues, money issues etc.

I'm just totally fed up. Why is it I always meet the losers?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/07/2011 12:07

I reckon he's a cross dresser

Seriously though, you are not being confrontational enough and accepting ridiculous drawn-out explanations as to why he is keeping you at arms-length far too readily

nothing at all has changed has it ?

are you really willing to settle for this ?

LineRunner · 24/07/2011 12:08

LoweredBrow, I wish I had the answers but sadly I just can't see anything good coming out of this relationship for you.

Even if it's just that the guy likes his own space to himself a lot, it's really not working out for you by the sounds of it.

Debt and other problems are not in themselves the issue - it's his inability to be honest about how he lives and why he lives like that.

Would you not be better off on your own for a while?

PirateDinosaur · 24/07/2011 12:11

He may or may not be hiding something; it almost doesn't matter any more because just by itself this attitude to letting you near his house is a huge red flag.

HairBearz · 24/07/2011 12:15

Maybe being at yours is a cheap get out for him? If you go to his, then he has to put money in the electric etc.

I'm a bit like Emmasmummy3 too. I don't have many friends (cue the violins) but the thought of people coming over puts me into a spin. I get very worked up and don't like entertaining. I don't live in a hovel either, far from it. Can't you just go round now and have it out with him once and for all?

HairBearz · 24/07/2011 12:16

ooh AF I thought that too, but then something distracted me.

echt · 24/07/2011 12:16

Firstly, Agent ZigZag is odd in a Brookside/patio kind of stylee.:o

Secondly, OP, your chap seems to be a loon of the first water. No matter what he is concealing, his efforts to do so should warn you off.

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