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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I overly confrontational? TBF you all warned me about this last time

125 replies

LoweredBrow · 24/07/2011 11:14

Posted a while ago regarding partner never letting me visit his house. On the odd occasion that he allowed me to go he had to have tons of notice and then would make up every excuse possible to try and get out of it. An example being that if I left my shopping there by accident I'd send him a text saying "I'll pop around in half hour and pick it up" and he'll text back saying "No no, I'll bring it to you" so I'd reply "but I'm literally going right past your house in half an hour anyway, I might as well stop by" and he'd still try and insist on bringing it to me.

Anyway last time I posted, the general opinion was that he was living with another woman. I found this not to be the case after turning up and practically forcing my way into his house and making a bit of a twat of myself Grin

So I was happy that he was just generally untidy and was embarassed by the mess in the house.

Some of you wasn't happy with that explanation.

Well it's come back, the whole issue. Yesterday I asked him if he could look at my laptop for me. He said yes so I said "when shall I bring it down?" and he said "its ok, I'll pick it up on the way back from work" This goes right out of his way but whatever, couldn't be arsed to argue, assumed he was genuinly trying to save me the drive. So he took it and I said I'd pick it up from his house tomorow (today). He agreed. But before he left he said "actually, will you be up about 5.45am?" Hmm on a sunday? err no. So he said "Its just that I could have dropped it off on the way to work". So I knew a string of excuses was coming again and I've just had enough, normal couples don't act like this. So I said "no, I won't be up, I'll pick it up from your house tomorow afternoon, I'm up that way tomorow anyway."

He reluctantly agreed.

Then last night I got a text saying "Shall I drop the laptop off on the way home tomorow, save you a drive?" so I said "No, Im picking it up." No reply.

Then at 8.15am this morning he sent me a text saying "are you up?" and I just know he was going to bring the bloody thing back so I text back and said "yes but I'm out."

so - 10am guess who turns up at the door with the laptop, all smiles saying "here, I saved you a job".

So I snapped and said "what is it with you trying to keep me away from your house?? what is going on??" so he said "oh not this again" but I'm right, it IS bloody wierd behaviour isn't it!? So I said "its not normal, you go out of your way to make sure I don't darken your doorstep, why??" so he tried to make out that he's just trying to be helpful and gets it thrown back in his face etc.

It needed bringing out in the open didn't it? or was I too confrontational over it??

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 24/07/2011 12:17

Hmmm, I am another one who can't bear people coming into my house without at least a month's notice. I nearly missed out on a concert I'd been dying to go to this week because the only babysitter was FIL and he could do it if he came to our house rather than us take dd there. I begged my mother to do it in the end. It's pathetic and irrational but I can't help it.

I'm not saying that is the case here but it's not unheard of. It could be innocent.

Original poster
LoweredBrow · 24/07/2011 12:17

Ok I've just asked my ex on facebook why he never allowed me to meet his family and friends. Same excuses - house was a mess, he was embarrassed by it - he was scared I'd like his friends more than him etc etc

All bullshit stupid excuses.

I'm going lesbian.

OP posts:
Kladdkaka · 24/07/2011 12:19

I went out with a guy like this for 5 years. It is bloody weird, but not necessarily sinister. He just had this determination to keep all the different aspects of his life completely segregated. My experience is that you can't do anything to change that, it's an integral part of their character. You can only decide whether or not you want a partner like that.

(He not 40 something and from Berkshire is he? Hmm)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/07/2011 12:22

Why is he your 'ex', LB? Did you dump him or he you? The point I'm making is that at some point either you decided enough was enough or he decided to end it. If he ended it then the 'house was a mess', 'scared you'd like his friends more than him' are just really bad excuses.

I don't know that 'going lesbian' would help... although I think women are generally more sensible than men... Grin

You deserve someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated.

Original poster
LoweredBrow · 24/07/2011 12:24

I finished it with my ex, I just couldn't take the stupid situation anymore yet its all happening again with someone else.

OP posts:
BrokenBananaTantrum · 24/07/2011 12:26

I remember your other thread. This is absolutely NOT normal behaviour when in a relationship - him not you. You really need to find out what is going on. If you have some free time go and watch his house. See what is going on. Start turning up at odd times.

AnyFucker · 24/07/2011 12:28

so this has happened to you twice ?

what rotten luck !

you are choosing commitment-phobes (with a fair dollop of twat thrown in for good measure), LB

get rid of this one too, and then I recommend you stay single for at least a year in a effort to get your twat-radar reset and have a really good think about where your boundaries lie wrt the amount of disrespectful behaviour you are prepared to tolerate for the sake of a relationship

these men sound like insecure, using, inadequate nobs

fireblademum · 24/07/2011 12:29

I agree he might have a kind if reverse agoraphobia, I often feel the same. But after 2 years he should feel able to share that with you. Not good. He is taking the piss or up to something.

wellwisher · 24/07/2011 12:30

I remember the other thread! Stalk him, go round when he's out and look through the windows, switch your childcare and go round when he's not expecting you. He's up to something and we need to know what it is

Then, dump him regardless, because it shouldn't be this difficult.

muminthemiddle · 24/07/2011 12:34

I would be tempted to turn up with a parcel when he is out and knock on the neighbours door asking them to deliver it to "the person who lives next door". Start a conversation about how you were hoping to catch them in but not sure of the best times etc etc. The neighbour may them divulge useful information and also divulge whether your boyfriend lives alone or with a partner.
Either way I wouldn't put up with this, I would feel used. Back off from him and say no, it's not convenient for him to call at yours etc. You deserve better.

KurriKurri · 24/07/2011 12:41

I do think you should have it out with him along the lines Hamster suggested, I would also let him know that you are imagining the very worst possible explanations, so he needs to demonstrate to you that there is an innocent explanation.

(then I would actually dump him as others have suggested, - you deserve someone to treat you well, he isn't)

AgentZigzag · 24/07/2011 12:45

If he's not ready/able to let you in (to his life and house) after two years, it's unlikely to happen I would say.

Unless you forcing the issue makes him realise that he wants to let you in rather than lose you.

ShoutyHamster · 24/07/2011 12:47

Go for it OP. If you're getting to the point where you're not bothered (good on you btw - healthy boundaries and no neediness there!) then say your piece then wave goodbye if you don't get the answers you want. Then have a good old break and do some thinking on the similarities between this guy and the ex. There could be something you're homing in on there which means you're ending up with useless commitment-phobes.

He sounds mighty irritating with his constant excuses even if there's nothing in it, by the way.

saladsandwich · 24/07/2011 12:49

after 2 years he should be past the stage of being embarrassed or scared of commitment ect... do you have any mutual friends? just wondering if they might know alittle more, what he was like with exs ect? xx

CalamityKate · 24/07/2011 12:52

It's beyond weird.

YANBU.

superjobee · 24/07/2011 12:54

i remember your original thread on this, cant remember if i posted at the time but it is bloody odd, you are right to pick him up on it and if he isnt giving you reassuring answers chuck him! you deserve better :) no-one should be put thru this sort of crap just for a man.

goandshowdaddy · 24/07/2011 12:54

What actually happened when you turned up (unnanounced I presume) and 'forced' your way in? Confused

Orbinator · 24/07/2011 12:56

The relationship really doesn't sound worth all the worry and upset it is causing you. My ex was massively secretive - didn't tell anyone at his work I was pg, even his friends, I never went this his house so he always came to mine (cue all the washing/food shopping/cleaning, etc) and I never met a single one of his friends. Decided that I didn't like being his dirty little secret and wasn't willing to live like that any longer. Huge relief when I convinced him it was never going to work again and now barely think of him. I don't know enough about his REAL life to care what he is doing tbh! By being so secretive and guarded he became less of a person to me as you simply can't attach to someone you know little about or doubt constantly. Hope you can find the same respite and strongly advise you to move on.

CurrySpice · 24/07/2011 13:13

What I find odd is thatyou've been with him for two years and you cannot talk frankly and openly with him about this

Just talk to him ffs. It doesn't have to be confrontation. Just talk to him!!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 24/07/2011 13:38

What fond memories your new post has engendered. Smile

All it will take to recall the posse is a nod from you. One of our motley crew may have a mini with a sunroof we can all fit into but, if not, we'll go with the original plan and book a coach.

I'll organise a fresh supply of Krispy Kremes, the waders are still in my hall ready to go and, once we've done the business, we can lurk park up outside Agent's for a debrief. Grin

AnyFucker · 24/07/2011 13:51

this thread is a carbon copy of the last one

OP, are you listening yet ?

MightyQuim · 24/07/2011 14:01

Not confrontatonal enough imo. You bring it up but never get to the bottom of it. You need to tell him that it's weird and it's make or break for you and if he wants you as his gf he needs to stop being so shifty about you going to his house. Then you will find out what is more important to him - your relationship or you not being allowed in his house. I've nothing against people having there own personal space but imo you can't have an equal relationship with someone who is so evasive about you entering their home.

AgentZigzag · 24/07/2011 14:03

After so long the OP's probably not wanting to let it go without finding out why he's so distant AF?

And after it happening before that's maybe a good idea, and will hopefully give her a clue why it's happened twice and she's let this go on for two. whole. years. before it's got to her.

I will supply refreshments izzy, but you'll have to drink them in the garden - obviously (so long as you don't start taking too much interest in the small area of freshly laid turf) Grin

AnnieLobeseder · 24/07/2011 14:07

Weird. Even if he does have some rational (or even irrational) reason for not wanting you in his house, he should be able to share it with you, so that you understand. He must know he's being unreasonable by just not letting you come over with no explanation. Trust is the key to any relationship for me, and how can you trust someone who won't even let you in his house or tell you why?

I'd run a mile.

pleasekeepcalmandcarryon · 24/07/2011 14:08

I dated a guy years ago for around 2 years who sounds similar. I did go to his house but was kept away from his friends/family, we didn't do any normal relationship stuff. I was very young at the time so my naivety/poor self esteem stopped me from calling it quits. He even asked me to have his baby at one point- he didn't want to marry or live with me you understand, just visit once a week or so...Hmm

Eventually (to the relief of my friends) I saw the light and kicked him into touch. With hindsight I think he was embarrassed to admit we were together (big age gap) and I think he also thought someone 'better' would come along any minute hence being a massive commitment phobe.

He could be funny and charming but also clearly a knob!

End this relationship now OP- you deserve better.