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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder what is so wrong with being 'judgey'?

80 replies

BornInAfrica · 23/07/2011 22:28

As far as I can tell it's human nature. If you deny that you judge you are at best deluded and at worst a bit of a liar. Judging is our inbuilt self defence mechanism surely?

I think people who claim to 'not judge' are basically spineless twats who are too scared to voice an opinion in case someone doesn't like them afterwards.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 23/07/2011 22:53

Zukie

yearight · 23/07/2011 22:55

I have a confession to make. My name is yearight and I am a judgy beatch.

Also those folk who try to secretly slag folk off, In a rather nice way. I judge as sly fuckers. (had a few) But you know what I mean.

Just say it as it is gals. If ya wrong ya wrong (ave another drink) if ya right ya right (ave another drink)

Oh n lots a kisses cause I feckin can, so I feckin am. On Mumsnet and all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster

BornInAfrica · 23/07/2011 22:55

Oh ok Agent - you want blanket unconditional compassion regardless of - well, pretty much anything?

Anyway - my failings, real or perceived, are not the subject under discussion here - although do feel free to start another thread - I'm sure it will be hugely popular!

OP posts:

Jennytailia · 23/07/2011 22:57

Its a waste of energy.

Nothing good ever comes of it.

It shows single-mindedness and a lack of empathy.

It gives the impression you think you are better than the other person.

Tchootnika · 23/07/2011 22:57

What I do not understand is all this desperation to appear non-judgemental.
Maybe it's a cultural thing, born - I dunno. Sometimes it's based on the idea that none of us knows everything about another person's situation ("only g-d knows everything" - that's a proverb from somewhere, dunno, where, many places where people have taken the trouble to gove others some thought, probably...). And since we don't know everything about other people, maybe the best course of action is to try and afford them some dignity and act with compassion...

So you're missing the point and using this as a way of having a spitty little pop at me for the other thread.

No, darling, just trying to answer your question.

I hope this isn't too personal a question, but were you brought up somewhere where the norm was to go around making complacent judgements about people, whilst thinking that your own good fortune was some kind of just desert/entitlement? (Only asking.... )

Original poster

BornInAfrica · 23/07/2011 22:58

Yes yearight - I despise that type too! Just tonight I had a PM from a very sincere non-judgemental woolly type that was - errr - obviously not meant for me! It was somewhat judgey and hugely amusing! So yes, have another drink and keep it real!

OP posts:

Tchootnika · 23/07/2011 22:59

my failings, real or perceived, are not the subject under discussion here

but they are - because you want an answer to your question!

TheOriginalBanshee · 23/07/2011 22:59

Judging is simply having an opinion and not sitting on the fence. Nothing wrong with that- in fact, I would say those that shy away from doing so are at risk of blowing a gasket at some point in their life! Everyone has an opinion, we all evaluate and make assumptions about people and all we can really do is compare with our own lives. It' a way of making sense of society, your surroundings and circumstances. Nothing wrong at all. I'd go as far as to say it's human nature.

Original poster

BornInAfrica · 23/07/2011 22:59

were you brought up somewhere where the norm was to go around making complacent judgements about people

No but it sounds fabulous. Where is this place or does it exist only in your imagination?

OP posts:

Serenitysutton · 23/07/2011 22:59

Even in the short time I've been a member here this comes up again and again to the point of utter boredom. If you don't judge, why would you be on a site like this? Everyone knows in their infancy chat sites are about people arguing for the sake of it. And that's normal sites - WTF would you contribute to a forum which exists purely to decide whether someone is being unreasonable if you have no intention of judging? Total lack of self awareness.

toptramp · 23/07/2011 23:00

I think it is human nature to judge BUT what annoys the fuck out of me is when very fortunate people judge those who have been less fortunate than others. I know a mum who (no offense) has led a very sheltered life and thus has had a fairly smooth ride. She has a lovely life with a loving dh, lots of cash and would be a nice person if it wasn't for the fact that she is soooo judgemental and it just comes across as intolerant and blinkered. If anything ever dreadful happened to her that made her make bad decsions she would not be so judgy but she really isn't the kind of person who invites the bad shit in anyway. Sometimes circumstances create bad decisions.

floosiemcwoosie · 23/07/2011 23:00

Its when your judgements are based on prejudice, that causes problems.

toptramp · 23/07/2011 23:02

She is also not very nice but then that's me judging her!

GreenEyesandHam · 23/07/2011 23:03

Judging is human nature.

You've just got to be careful about how loudly you judge sometimes, because there's always a chance you may be wrong and end up looking a total cunt.

And this is the Internet- on here everyone who posts is giving an opinion of some sort. The fence sitters are usually ones who hit the back button and you don't see they were ever there.

Tchootnika · 23/07/2011 23:04

Where is this place or does it exist only in your imagination?

now we're getting into questions of subjectivity and perception (or something) - which brings us back to the judgey thing...

Are you sure though, born that that's your answer? Have you really thought about it? I don't think you have...

Original poster

BornInAfrica · 23/07/2011 23:04

Tchoo - where in the OP do I ask for a critique of said real or perceived failings? I do not. Now you can go on all night pointing them out if you wish - that's your absolute right - but please don't pretend you are answering my original question because you are not.

I asked what's so wrong with being judgemental. I did not ask what I've said in previous posts because I already know the answer to that. Do you see?

OP posts:

superjobee · 23/07/2011 23:04

i judge and damn anyone who says i cant!

i dont always vocalise my judging, i try not to show it with looks of disgust to the ppl its at, but will think it or discuss with who im with at the time to see how they feel about the same thing.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 23/07/2011 23:04

So. Those people who don't judge. Ever. Think that no matter what someone does, that's ok?

Because all judging is is saying that, in your opinion, something is wrong. Unacceptable. Not Right. harmful. damaging. Likely to cause problems. Shouldn't be done.

So if you say you don't judge, then you don't ever think that anything someone, anyone, does - is wrong?

I can't believe that's true. I can't believe there is anyone out there who doesn't ever think that anything anyone does, no matter if it hurts or affects other people - is wrong.

piprabbit · 23/07/2011 23:05

The only problem with MN judgyness, is that the judgement is almost always negative. It's not often that you come across a thread about a family in the supermarket where the OP concludes that the mum was doing a good job in a tough situation.

I don't know many people in RL who express judgments with the vehemence that I come across on MN. There seems to be a self-editing mechanism that kicks in to prevent them from looking like a complete bitch in RL (on the basis that what goes around comes around; karma; looking like a pillock when your own kids have a full-on public tantrum).

AgentZigzag · 23/07/2011 23:05

'my failings, real or perceived, are not the subject under discussion here'

As you started the thread OP, it is about you.

Yup, we're in AIBU, if you're the OP of a thread what you write influences posters answers.

The irony of you not wanting to be judged

Trying to understand why people behave the way they do doesn't condone their behaviour, it's just looking beyond your initial judgy reaction.

Tchootnika · 23/07/2011 23:06

Do you see?
Now you're asking questions about subjectivity and perception.

I'm back to RL for a bit.
Call me if you need me,

LineRunner · 23/07/2011 23:06

"Just tonight I had a PM from a very sincere non-judgemental woolly type that was - errr - obviously not meant for me! It was somewhat judgey and hugely amusing! So yes, have another drink and keep it real!"

As you have mentioned this on more than one thread at least three times that I can count, I'll do you a favour and report it for you.

Sorry it is bothering you that much.

Original poster

BornInAfrica · 23/07/2011 23:07

Anyway - I think I'll go and stub some fags out on the baby. Or maybe I'll do a few lines of toot. Kick the cat maybe? Twat DH one with a copper bottomed pan? The list of possible enjoyments is endless!

Toodle pip!

OP posts:

LittlebearH · 23/07/2011 23:08

I am very judgy...but...a big but, I am open minded which I think makes a difference.

I may look at a woman who is fat, loads of jewellery,talks in a common manner wearing tracksuit bottoms and think urgh what a chav. But if I spoke to her and she was perfectly lovely then I couldnt care less what she looked like.
I think there is nothing wrong with being judgy as long as you can accept you are wrong and keep it to yourself. I have friends who have different views on parenting to me and I may judge inwardly but doesnt mean I am right. People probably judge me and are wrong.

We ALL do it.

LineRunner · 23/07/2011 23:11

And it is possible to judge people to be in the right.

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