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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with another saturday with dh at work?

83 replies

pommedechocolat · 23/07/2011 12:17

Right. Background. DH works long hours in high pressure industry and is currently doing a lot of work outside his areas in his company as other directors are shit. He is the worst paid director but is the one everyone turns to/md tells him it's all up to him.

Another saturday with him in the office and me stuck at home doing all childcare/housework etc.
No energy to do anything either as am 7 weeks pg and shattered and nauseous. Currently in tears and annoyed with myself.

I work two days a week but my work NEVER interferes with family life I am in control of it. I do all nursery pick ups/drop offs too and have only asked for him to do three pick ups in last 10 months (car accident, snow, hen do). If I can keep everything contained why the fuck can't he?!

By the way it is not unusual to work sat ams in this industry but not till mid pm every week.

AIBU to a. be upset and b. mind more because he's brooking such a shit deal with work. Won't ask for a pay rise for a million reasons (but I think it's because he doesn't like talking about money). If I could at least swan around buying crap I might not mind so much!

ARGHHH.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 23/07/2011 13:05

She doesn't need a new skill; she wants to know when her husband will be home

OP said she wants a balance between being a SAHM and working...and that she can barely cook a tea.

I'd say she does need to learn a new skill if it's one of the things that bothers her.

As for knowing when her DH will be home, if he doesn't know himself and can't estimate, it's something she's going to have to live with for now.

It won't always be like this OP. Your kids will be in school in a few years and you'll have much more structure in your life.

LineRunner · 23/07/2011 13:10

Worra, good point. As soon as children get into school, everything sems so much more organised!

I still think that the DH needs to be able to tell OP his hours more precisely. He's an employee. OP intimates in her original post that he's not on that great money. I think she wants him to be a bit more firm with work about either his hours or his pay. I mean to say, working till midnight? Seems a tad extreme.

lovesicecream · 23/07/2011 13:13

I'm in the same position, dp is self employed so just have to get on with it, finding it difficult at the moment though with a 19 week old baby and being 9 weeks pg but he has to grab the money when he can ! My dp openly admits that he feels like he has the best deal even though he has a physically demanding job, long hours and a lot of travelling, he says he would find it hard as a sahp with 3 kids and terrible morning sickness !

CurrySpice · 23/07/2011 13:15

But he's not "an employee" he's a director. And sometimes it's really hard to say how long something will take. And sometimes you have to stay as long as it takes when the buck stops with you

Linerunner, in my line of work, if there's a deadline, you work till it's done. Be that midnight or 4am. Not every job is 9-5 and you can walk away and forget it when the clock strikes 5

Original poster

pommedechocolat · 23/07/2011 13:18

In slight defence of my cooking I do get a decent tea on the table each night it is just that I really HATE doing it and it demands a lot of effort as it is not natural for me at all.

I have had moments of trying with cooking but ultimately I don't get it and doubt I ever will.

I think that dh and I are alike in our personality types and that working long hours and achieving is more suited to that personality type than sahm duties which is why I feel he has it easier.

Better try to not wish away years until school then!!

OP posts:

LineRunner · 23/07/2011 13:19

I get where you're coming from, Curry, but - and certainly this seems to be the OP's issue - he is actually still an employee, and an employee who won't ask for a pay rise, and who is doing other director' jobs for them.

Original poster

pommedechocolat · 23/07/2011 13:20

He is on good money just not fair compared to the rest of the board. I'd be just as happy if the rest all had a pay cut!

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 23/07/2011 13:23

Yeah. Technically an employee. But a director with a direct and legal responsibility for the success of the firm. The buck stops with him and his fellow directors. He's not an office junior. Sometimes, this means going the extra mile as well as the perks.

In general, ime, you don't get paid "good money" and made a company director for working 9-5 and waving a cheery goodbye while others continue working

If the other directors aren't pulling their weight, that's a different issue

LineRunner · 23/07/2011 13:26

Sorry OP been talking over you!

What hours do the other directors do?

Original poster

pommedechocolat · 23/07/2011 13:32

There are 4 - two don't work weekends and are under performing. One works some weekends now as his wife is totally over it but is also under performing. Dh works all hours and tends to be successful at whatever he does.
The chairman and owner has told him the company will fail without him.
How can he think he can't ask for a rise?!

OP posts:

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 23/07/2011 13:35

Yanbu to feel upset, my husband poworks one weekend in every 3, thats sat and sun, 8 til 5, on those weeks he gets the Fri and monday off, thats no good to me, i work full time, so on those weekends he works I dont get a weekend, all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, childcare i down to me, including dropping him at work and picking him up... I cry on some of these weekends it seems so unfair, no family to help either...

However, in this current climate, yabu to moan about his work situation, payrises are like gold dust, like my husband, yours is just trying to provide for you and yours, im sure he is peed off inside with it all but fears he cant do a thing about it, remember you only work 2 days... he works alot longer x

lockets · 23/07/2011 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sprinkles77 · 23/07/2011 13:50

YANBU. I have it the same (though not pregnant, unfortunately). Sadly, that's life at the moment, I know a bit more money would make it seem more worth while, but the fact remains that DH is not around as much as you'd like. Things will get better. I've developed strategies to make things easier (Dominoe's on Tuesdays when its 2 for 1 and I've been at work, cooking in bulk and freezing half for another day), making plans so I'm not so bored / lonely. Doing all the cleaning once a week rather than bits here and there. Trying to do daily chores while DS is awake so when he is napping I can put my feet up and call a friend / watch TV / eat biscuits without him wanting any. Making the little bit of family time together as good as possible by ignoring housework and getting out. Hormones are easy to blame, and don't help at all, but I think they just accentuate how you are feeling anyway. I've had some counselling about other stuff, and have also addressed my feelings about this at the same time. It's probably going to get worse rather than better if you have another baby on the way. It sounds like you are an intelligent woman and have a career, so try to put some of your problem solving and team work expertise into action at home. And talk to DH, he is probably feeling rubbish too, missing out on you and your child and feeling under lots of pressure to provide for all of you, I know mine does. Sharing your feelings with each other make things easier to bear.

Sassybeast · 23/07/2011 13:54

Agree with all those who say you need to stop this from turning into a competition about who has the shittiest deal.
He's a company director so not earning an insignificant amount (Even before the fact that you feel he doesn't earn enough) But you are not feeling any financial benefits from his salary ? Do you need to look seriously at your out goings ? You talk about not being able to swan around buying crap - does he know that you are resentful about your finances? Perhaps that's why he's working such long hours?
Bloody hell at all the question marks!!!!

Original poster

pommedechocolat · 23/07/2011 13:54

Thanks sprinkles. Bored and lonely is exactly what it is. Which can't be ALL dh's fault I guess :)
Good tips too! I'd completely forgotten about take aways recently...

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 23/07/2011 14:13

I am struggling to see how your dh can rise to the position of Director, yet be unable to speak up for himself.

If he continues to do other people's work, other people will continue to let him. All that "the company will fail without you" bollocks that the Chairman is spouting is just that, bollocks! If the company was in danger of failing because the other Directors are lazy, the Chairman would have their nuts on a platter. This old shit is what bosses reel out when they want some mug to do all the work for no extra financial reward.

Your DH needs to make himself less available. Someone suggested earlier that he contact a head hunting agency - that sounds like a great idea. Tell him, that if it isn't his job, he needs to be less available at weekends and suggest to the Chairman that he contacts the person whose job it actually is.

People won't respect him if he acts like a mug - helping out is one thing, being everyone else's fall guy is another!

My other suggestion is that he goes part time (if one Director 'doesn't do' weekends, then perhaps yours could not do a couple of days in the week) and you go full time. The SAHP thing isn't suiting you, so perhaps it'll suit him more.

I feel for you - work is important, but family time equally so.

26minutes · 23/07/2011 14:22

YABU. DH works 6 days a week for minimum bloody wage. At least your DH is getting decent money. I hate him not being here on a Saturday, I hate that I don't see him during the week, I hate that he's working longer hours than he was 2 years ago for 1/2 the money. I have to do all the school runs, I have to give all the meals and deal with all the crap, that's what happens when one works full time and one doesn't. Unfortunately that's the way it is, the alternative is signing on then at least you'd have him at home on a Saturday.

We even had to change the day of our wedding because he couldn't get the day off to get married!

Sorry to be blunt, but imagine how you'd feel if he was earning £900 a month.

sleepindogz · 23/07/2011 15:04

i think you are being unreasonable

my oh has worked long and difficult hours for about 30 years now - also in a very high pressured environment. you knew he was like this before you had kids presumably so knew what life would be like. If its too much for you, why have more kids on top?

4madboys · 23/07/2011 15:11

havent read the whole thread, but what valium said on p1 :)

my dp does shift work with ss, he only gets one wkend out of every four off.

he went to work thu at 9am got home at 5pm on fri, then went to work today for 7am and wont be home till 11pm tonight.

next week he is away with work tue 7am till late on thu, and then is away a week from the 6th aug.

he always works antisocial hours, nights, evenings, wkends etc, it sucks but it pays the mortgage etc and the kids are used to not seeing him for days on end, we try and make the most of the time when he is at home and i make sure to plan at least one thing everyday when he is at work, with the occasional lazy day thrown in.

it was hard when i was preg and had a new baby and very hard when ds4 was little and i had pnp, but you cope, you have to, tbh in todays economic climate i am just grateful he has a secure job.

that doesnt mean i dont moan about it occasionally tho!

Ephiny · 23/07/2011 15:12

YAB a bit U - it's not like he's out playing football or in the pub with his mates, he's working and providing for you and the children.

It does sound like work are taking advantage of him though, and that he's doing more than he needs to without getting much in return. If he's so invaluable to the company, surely he can negotiate for a pay rise if he feels he's underpaid? It's no good being bashful about money in that sort of situation, if you don't ask you don't get, in my experience anyway.

4madboys · 23/07/2011 15:13

oh and even when dp is at home he is often on call and has to go to work at very short notice, or goes to work is meant to be home in time for dinner but then ends up staying late etc.

iggagog · 24/07/2011 08:04

Thread summary:
Yabu = posters with a dh who work similar hours.
Yanbu = posters with a different work/home balance.
And then there's a few making the point that his hours may not be necessary and may be due to inability to delegate etc.
I find it funny when people say 'you knew what it was like before you had children, why expect him to change' - sounds like the OP changed her life fairly drastically.
I'm always surprised at how many MNers have the attitude of 'I have it tough, how dare you complain'. How about we all complain, and work toward a more equitable lifestyle?

Theas18 · 24/07/2011 08:39

First q how do you think he/ you would feel if roles were reversed-
I'm the one here who will be getting up and going to work at 8 am tomorrow when DH and kids stay in as he teaches. I don't like my side of the deal much in the holidays!!
BUT I chose my career and I earn reasonably well ( though am part tine which helps the work life balance, though clearly knocks the income down.

I take it he earns well for his high pressure job. You need to talk- and either address the balance so he can work less and maybe you a bit more if money is an issue or, if that isn't going to work shift your " midset" so it makes you less miserable. Raising the kids your " job" and so is going to have totally pants days as all jobs do- maybe thinking about it that way will help?

skybluepearl · 24/07/2011 08:45

have you any mates who don't do anything on a saturday? there are a few of us who are DIY widows and we do day trips. stop waiting around for him and go have some fun with friends.

Original poster

pommedechocolat · 24/07/2011 08:47

So the day after - I was BU to make it all about me but I was NBU to think that it's all a bit wrong and broken at the moment.
Thanks all!

OP posts:

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