Is this an example of abusive behaviour?

[nineteenninetyfour]

Want people's take on somethin. Not after a bunfight and I actually would prefer it if Iabu and am wrong. But please be honest all the same.
Last week, my (widowed) mum moved house. She has a lot of good qualities but organisational skills are not among them. Anyway, dh and myself gave her hand, she had done basically nothing to aid us-nothing packed etc, the time came to move washing machine and it was still full of clothes. My dh was annoyed (don't blame him, so was I) but he held his tongue and said nothing.

Now I know that had this been me (failing to take clothes out of machine ) he would have shouted, called me names and made a scene.

It's just got me wondering, really; is this abusive behaviour because he can 'keep it together' when it comes to others?

I'm no expert but I think it's quite common for abusive men to make lots of excuses for their behaviour, but in reality they know exactly what they're doing. I bet he blames it on you too - does he? "The way you carry on makes me see red, you wind me up so much" etc.

Frankly this is one of the things that amazes me about MN. It is put on such a pedestal that on the basis of a few replies an OP who is unsure about the definition of abuse has decided her assumptions have been validated and she needs to leave.

OP I assume no children are involved so you can make such matter of fact statements about leaving?

As far as I am concerned the words 'abuse' and 'controlling behaviour' are bandied around far too much on here, I suspect often justified, but also often not.

sunrays - I don't think anyone in a happy and stable relationship would just leave because MN says so, do you? I do agree that the term 'abuse' is used quite liberally on here, but really I do think if someone makes you miserable surely you deserve better, and it doesn't really matter what you call it.

TBH if someone told me my dh was abusive, I'd just tell them to mind their own business, because he is not and I don't feel abused. Anyone who is willing to accept their partner is abusive when a stranger says so is probably just looking for confirmation of what they knew/felt already.

Sorry, I don't think I'm expressing myself very well. I just get the impression that the op had already made her mind up before she came on here, and what I was trying to say was that if you are unhappy it's ok to say so, and if the problem can't be resolved it's better to leave than stay miserable.

Well it appears on here as if the thought process has gone something like:

'I really don't like the way H shouts at me and throws things when he is annoyed'
'Oh - he doesn't do it to my mother'
'Therefore I think I am being abused'
'I had better check on MN'
'MN says yes so it's time to leave'

and apparently missing out things like
'DH - please can you explain why you are like this with me. I don't accept that you do it to everyone. Is there a problem you have with me or is there some other problem causing stress'
'DH - If you can't stop doing this then we should seek some expert help from outside' (and not necessarily MN)
etc

OP I am sure it's not as black and white but that is how it appears to me. My feeling is that all marriages have difficult patches and they could probably all do with a bit of help from objective sources, such as counsellors and the like.

I don't think the by the example you gave OP means that your DH is abusive. I'd shout myself if that happened to me. He was just being very polite to your Mum.

What the hell is wrong with me asking Mn's opinion? They're demographically made up of intelligent people, not idiots. SunRaysthruClouds, seriously what is your problem?
The problem is quite straightforward now I've explained it better to others and elaborated further, it's NOT that he is now suddenly stressed -where it might be logical that he has a go at everybody in his path, he has consistently and over a long period regardless of other things in his life only been like this with me and he manages to keep a cool head with everybody else no matter how provoked.
Always one who has to disagree, isn't there?