Is this an example of abusive behaviour?

[nineteenninetyfour]

Want people's take on somethin. Not after a bunfight and I actually would prefer it if Iabu and am wrong. But please be honest all the same.
Last week, my (widowed) mum moved house. She has a lot of good qualities but organisational skills are not among them. Anyway, dh and myself gave her hand, she had done basically nothing to aid us-nothing packed etc, the time came to move washing machine and it was still full of clothes. My dh was annoyed (don't blame him, so was I) but he held his tongue and said nothing.

Now I know that had this been me (failing to take clothes out of machine ) he would have shouted, called me names and made a scene.

It's just got me wondering, really; is this abusive behaviour because he can 'keep it together' when it comes to others?

[dreamingbohemian]

It's one thing to overreeact with your partner occasionally, irrationally, of course none of us are perfect. But the OP says she knows he would have shouted and made a scene at her, which implies a certain pattern of shouting and bad behaviour (she can predict what will set him off).

I really can't imagine causing a scene over clothes in the washer. You take them out, put them in a bag, what's the big deal?

I think we need more information to say whether there is abuse here or not. I think shouting and name-calling over trivial things is abusive, the question is whether it happens a lot and how the OP reacts to it.

[CeliaFate]

My dh would have been the same. He would be mightily pissed off with me if I hadn't emptied the machine before expecting him to move it. But he wouldn't have said a word to my DM if she'd done it.
I don't think it's abusive - we all have a different code of conduct according to whomever we're talking to. I agree, and I tell my dh this sometimes, he can be more polite to strangers than to me. But if you can't be honest and open with your dw/dh then that would be odd. I assume he's normally kind and loving towards you? Or is this the "straw that broke the camel's back"?

[nineteenninetyfour]

Lots of sensible answers. I get what people are saying that it's reasonable of him to be more honest with me. I agree with that and if it was a case of ' tut tut, what have you been doing FFS?' I'd think it reasonable. But it is not like that, he'd really start shouting and calling me names beyond what is reasonable.

This has been a wake-up call- the very fact that he can keep all his anger with another person shows that he is not somebody who has an 'uncontrollable hot temper' and 'I can't help it' as he has always said in past.

[nineteenninetyfour]

I do feel belittled and scared. Time to make plans to leave him. Thanks again for input but I think you've given enough information for me to make up my mind so there's no more for me to say here.

[squeakytoy]

OP, you are still not really making yourself very clear.. or giving an example.

In certain situations my husband would probably be more "choice" with his words if I were the one doing something careless or silly, than he would be to others... but then again so would I to him.

For example, if I washed his jeans without checking for his passport in the pocket.. he would probably tell me I was a div, and should have checked, etc etc.... whereas if his mum or my mum had done it, he would have said to them "oh not to worry, my own fault for leaving it in there"..

But I wouldnt class that as abuse..

A husband and wife can (and should) be able to talk to each other a lot more frankly than they do with other people. That is quite normal.

[MrSpoc]

I agree with Squeaktoy. You still have not made yourself clear.

Are you just looking for an excuse to leave him?

You need to give us a real example of abuse. For example, Does he go off his head if his tea is not ready? That would be abuse or does he shout if you have scratched the car (Not abuse but a normal reaction).

[nineteenninetyfour]

Sorry, squeakytoy, but I do think I am being clear in my first paragraph, I appreciate fully that he is going to be frank and open with me and not my mother, but he goes beyond what is reasonable by really shouting and calling me names. Going over the top is the phrase, I think.

Anyway, his temper is obviously not uncontrollable (as he has used by way of excuse when he has done other things-throwing things at wall where I'm sat, breaking my stuff) because if it were genuinely uncontrollable, well he would not be able to control it, would he?

[squeakytoy]

Ok, well throwing things and breaking your stuff isnt on.

I would say though that most of us are generally a lot more controlled with others than we are with our spouses too.

I rarely lose my temper, but there have been times when my husband has tipped me over the edge, and I have yelled at him, thrown a hairbrush behind his retreating head, and called him names... equally he has yelled at me, broken a coffee table in temper, and called me names.. but we have been married for ten years, and our rows are few and far between. The rest of the time we are great, we just dont have a coffee table anymore... :)

If your husband is regularly going off on one, for no apparent reason, then there is a problem perhaps.

[NevermindtheNargles]

Op, if he is regularly throwing things at you and breaking your stuff, it's really not relevant whether he does it to other people or not. Would you feel better if he had hurled something at your mum? You don't deserve to be treated like that. If he can't control his temper he needs to do something about it, the fact that he has no control is not an excuse and doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

[HampstersDontSwim]

It is not normal or right to shout abuse and scare your partner.

In the washing scenario I would probably ask wtf they had left the washing in - if their arms are too broken to empty the washer, then lifting it would be out of the question!!!

IME people who state that they have an 'uncontrollable' temper when 'pushed'/'wound up' are really saying that they feel entitled to behave any way they like and you have to put up and shut up.
Good news.
You dont.

YANBU

[NevermindtheNargles]

Although as squeakytoy says, these things do happen in relationships. If it's once in a blue moon then it's quite normal. You're perfectly entitled to be pissed off, but one shouty throwy argument really doesn't constitute abuse.

[HampstersDontSwim]

Also would like to point out that abusive or not, if you feel unhappy and want to end your relationship, then you can!
You have every right to be happy and you do not need anyones permission.

[nineteenninetyfour]

If he reacted in the same way to my mum as he does me, it would give credence to his excuse of having 'uncontrollable temper'. Maybe he couldn't help himself and perhaps this would be treatable by anger management classes or something.

But, the fact that he can control himself shows that he is in control when he does and says the nasty things he does.
That tells me that he is really just an abusive pig.

[HampstersDontSwim]

Yep.
Sounds like youve got his number.
What are you going to do?

[nineteenninetyfour]

I think I'm going to have to leave him, aren't I? Shit. Didn't want it to be like this. I really didn't. But all that 'hot temper' stuff is bull- he can control himself, the lying b.
Thanks for all advice.

[CeliaFate]

Now you've said he throws stuff, calls you names and breaks your things then I agree with you - it is abusive behaviour. You feel frightened and that's no way to live. Good luck.

[NevermindtheNargles]

You don't 'have to leave him' if that's not what you want love. If you think he's an arsehole and he makes you unnhappy, leave him. If he makes you happy generally, but occasionally flies off the handle, tell him he needs to do something about it or you will leave him. Just because he can control it sometimes doesn't necessarily mean anger management/counselling won't work. It's all about what you want. If you want to try and he's willing then give it a go. If you are miserable and afraid, get out now. I hope you find what's right for you. X

[NevermindtheNargles]

You don't 'have to leave him' if that's not what you want love. If you think he's an arsehole and he makes you unnhappy, leave him. If he makes you happy generally, but occasionally flies off the handle, tell him he needs to do something about it or you will leave him. Just because he can control it sometimes doesn't necessarily mean anger management/counselling won't work. It's all about what you want. If you want to try and he's willing then give it a go. If you are miserable and afraid, get out now. I hope you find what's right for you. X

[NevermindtheNargles]

Bastard blackberry.

[NevermindtheNargles]

Bastard blackberry.

[jeckadeck]

I agree with Mitmoo that people over-use the word "abuse" on here sometimes. If its a pattern of behaviour which is repeated and which makes you upset, uncomfortable or scared then its abuse. Occasionally losing your temper with your OH about something which is a bit of a bugbear isn't abuse. And also we sometimes need to give one another license to be hot-headed and occasionally rude to our nearest and dearest. If you can't ever do that you're living in a sterile, emotionally dishonest environment. And its hardly surprising that your OH doesn't lose his temper with your mum -- let's face it you'd be livid with him if he did....

[jeckadeck]

sorry, didn't see OP's second post. That changes things a bit. If he's routinely an a*hole to you about things and lets other people off the hook then yes, that is abusive.

[nineteenninetyfour]

Well it does make me uncomfortable and scared. Of course, I'd be livid if he lost it with my mum, but at least I'd be able to say that he genuinely couldn't help himself.
The truth is that he can control his temper (a 'hot temper' being used as an excuse to break my things, chuck stuff at me in past).
Please, obviously this is a thread that anybody can post on and that is all good, but I won't be returning to this thread again as it is making me upset. Not people's responses I must stress just the fact that my dh is an arsehole and I feel obliged to reply to those who post when just thinking about what an arsehole he is riles me up and upsets me.

[doggiesayswoof]

Coming to this a bit late.

I understand that this is upsetting for you OP and that you don't want to carry on posting. However if you do decide you want to talk about this, you will get loads of good advice and support if you start another thread in Relationsips.

If you do decide to leave, posters here can help you with practicalities and give you support.

[nineteenninetyfour]

Thank you doggiesayswoof, I've been asking myself a question and the question is this: 'Would he get aggressive with another man who was twice his size and capable of physically getting the upper hand or, to put it crudely, beat the s* out of him?' I'm not expert on these things but to me this is an 'acid test' as to whether or not somebody genuinely has anger management problems or just abusive.

I don't think that he would. I think he would shy away from it no matter how much the other guy wound him up. So when he is aggressive to me, it's not that he sees red and has no control, it's because he uses it as a tool to mentally batter me with.

If I need further help, I shall post in relationships or simply look up old threads.