OH moans about money but won't let me get a job

[Needajobnow]

OH works mon-fri in the city.Stressful job-doesn't really like it.
I have 2 lo's age 1 and 3.SAHM as can't afford to go back to work.
OH teaches rugby for free on sundays.The dc he teaches are from a nearby private school.The parents are lovely and very wealthy.They say OH is mad for not charging them.He says he's 'giving something back' and wants to be seen as the good guy.
He moans when I spend any money.I thought I would try and find a p/t job.
My area is cosmetics/makeup etc.Spent last 2 months applying and having interviews etc.
In talks of a job but in this field they don't do just saturdays.I've been offered Sat/Sun job.
He just shouted at me(on phone)'So you want me to resign from my rugby'??
He's livid.He thinks I'm plotting against him because he thinks I don't want him to have his precious rugby in his life.
I don't have any family nearby so no support network and noone to look after dc.
I don't mind not getting a job but every single day he moans about money.
He doesn't want me to buy anything.I have never been away from my DC since I've had them.Never even met someone for a coffee.
I don't drive so at the wk/end he'll go to buy food for eg and stop for ages for drinks.I'm always always with dc.
He screamed at me the other day because I said I was going to get my hair done.'I'm not spending money on your poxy hair'.
If I worked then I could spend what I like when I like(to an extent).
He made us miss an important family occassion(my side)because of him teaching rugby.
I asked him to meet me in the middle and he's being angry and nasty.
I'm with dc all day.Nobody to ever help.I find them so so difficult.He comes home and says 'what have you been doing all day'?Impossible to keep this place tidy as my 1yr old is into everything and 3yr old so destructive.
WWYD?

Duchesse-my dm walked out on me as a child for another man and then the same thing repeated(long story)she married someone told me to live with my nan.My father was abusive and went to live with a toxic woman(her kids are drug users all on benefits including her).
My nan had no space hence me moving to london.Can't call them.Never want them to think my family is in trouble or broken too.
I dream about having a lovely family member who I can stay with and let OH be on his own.That isn't the case.
Thankyou anyway for the fantastic advice everyone.

Ah, ok. :(

Maybe just you and the babies with an au pair?

hope you find strength to act decisively
you dont need to be locked into his dysfunction.
happy family life is good to aspire to,but looks like he isnt the man youll find this with
happy relationships are built on cooperation,collaboration and both fulfill selves.you dont need his permission to work.it isnt his to give. don't marry him and no more kids by him either

Can you call womens aid ? They can give advice and help you leave.

see a solicitor
is house in joint names
how are finances arranged

Thankyou scottishmummy and pixie.I've been reading on womens aid.About to ring hv to ask about the freedom couse.Doesn't seem like any in my area.Apparently you can buy a book on the subject though.
Citzens advice is a good idea thankyou.
House in joint name.His parents have written him out of the will and he had his part of the money for deposit towards this house.They had lawyers involved and made sure that the deposit is in his name and if we ever break up they said he is to have the house.My name is on the mortgage though!
So even if I had any rights to stay here with dc he is entitled to take all the deposit meaning not much equity and then HUGE mortgage so wld lose house it seems.That's why I need to speak to someone-you're right.
He has his own account.He doesn't even tell me his salary.I have an account and a few months ago he started putting small amount per month.He's missed a couple of months but is paying his debts and our credit cards.So I do understand how expensive everything is.Especially in this current climate!

most pressing see a solicitor.get a plan
do try expand your social circle,do some groups
build your confidence, meet other parents

Ah-so the controlling is learned behaviour from his parents?

Definitely talk to Women's AId. You poor girl: this fucking man targetted you from early on as someone without family support, who he could bully and own. You do NOT have to put up with it.

As someone who got out of an emotionally abusive relationship many years ago, having my own account with some money saved (that he didn't know about because he would have spent it if he had) was literally a life-saver. Do you put the CB payments into your account, for example? They are a good way of building up some buffer funds.

learn and reflect so you dont replicate with same type man again,

im not sure people consciously "chose"unsuitable partners,do think maybe unconsciously there can be dysfunctional attraction. you too need to recognise and be aware of your triggers

OP, please, please don't marry him!

Like many others have said, what you are experiencing is financial and psychological abuse. The fact that he's trying to turn it all round on you and make it your fault is part of the abuse.

My first husband was abusive to me in a very similar way; he worked, I wasn't "allowed" to and wasn't "allowed" any access to finances. My parents had to buy me tampons and underwear. If I tried to discuss things with him I was a bad person and unreasonable.

In the end I ended the marriage. That is the only solution to change things for you too, I feel. your partner won't change.

Er this is sort of - slavery. You don't get any money of your own and are expected to work 24 hours a day with no breaks raising his children and keeping his house nice.

It's not ok, OP. You sound nice and capable, you can get a good job and support yourself. You are just as good as him - in fact soooo much better. You can stand up for yourself and make a better life for your children, you wouldn't want to see them ground down by his temper.

I was so relieved to see that you weren't married.

Don't you see, you can't possibly marry him? You have had a go at living with him and it's been awful. You cannot go into marriage with him with your eyes wide open, knowing what a bully he is.

Do you realise how happy you will be if you live alone? The sense of freedom will be tremendous. After a while, once the children have settled, you could look into childcare and getting a job, but whatever money comes in will be yours. You will feel completely liberated and will wonder why the hell you put up with that.

Just to let you know I've gone for the job!
It's not signed and sealed 100% but promising.(Need to be store approved etc and quick meeting)
I sent my OH a link to childcare.co.uk I've seen there is at least 15 fully qualified baby-sitters in the area.He can deal with the rest.

Thankyou for your support MN

Oh well done Need. Remember to keep sticking up for yourself , repeat you are not an anry person , no one else thinks so etc.
And seriously get legal advice !

Thanks Pixie!I will get advice.I'll to be discreet of course but need it so it's up my sleeve.He is mean and my friend doesn't really like him thinks he's a control freak and is cross that I thought he would change.

Thankyou again! xx

Well done OP!

Keep looking at the links, it may also be worth seeing your GP about counseling, as you seem to see yourself as in some way responsible for his shocking behaviour. It may help to give you some perspective on what you want to do next.

Do you kow where your mortgage and conveyancing documents are? Get photocopies so you can take them and show a solictor or CAB.

What is his job (roughly)? Do you think he is earning a significant salary?

:) glad to help.

Well done you!

And very, very good luck. There's some great advice and support on here, I hope that you feel able to accept it and have a far happier, more relaxed and secure life on your terms as a result. :)