Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

OH moans about money but won't let me get a job

96 replies

Needajobnow · 20/07/2011 17:16

OH works mon-fri in the city.Stressful job-doesn't really like it.
I have 2 lo's age 1 and 3.SAHM as can't afford to go back to work.
OH teaches rugby for free on sundays.The dc he teaches are from a nearby private school.The parents are lovely and very wealthy.They say OH is mad for not charging them.He says he's 'giving something back' and wants to be seen as the good guy.
He moans when I spend any money.I thought I would try and find a p/t job.
My area is cosmetics/makeup etc.Spent last 2 months applying and having interviews etc.
In talks of a job but in this field they don't do just saturdays.I've been offered Sat/Sun job.
He just shouted at me(on phone)'So you want me to resign from my rugby'??
He's livid.He thinks I'm plotting against him because he thinks I don't want him to have his precious rugby in his life.
I don't have any family nearby so no support network and noone to look after dc.
I don't mind not getting a job but every single day he moans about money.
He doesn't want me to buy anything.I have never been away from my DC since I've had them.Never even met someone for a coffee.
I don't drive so at the wk/end he'll go to buy food for eg and stop for ages for drinks.I'm always always with dc.
He screamed at me the other day because I said I was going to get my hair done.'I'm not spending money on your poxy hair'.
If I worked then I could spend what I like when I like(to an extent).
He made us miss an important family occassion(my side)because of him teaching rugby.
I asked him to meet me in the middle and he's being angry and nasty.
I'm with dc all day.Nobody to ever help.I find them so so difficult.He comes home and says 'what have you been doing all day'?Impossible to keep this place tidy as my 1yr old is into everything and 3yr old so destructive.
WWYD?

OP posts:

DogsBestFriend · 20/07/2011 18:11

The daily pressures of life, a stressful job, the cost of things (especially when you haven't the means to pay for them), young DC... you're not describing his life lovey, you're describing your own. What makes his life any harder than yours?

I'd rather work "in the city" in a stressful job than be a SAHP with young DC any day and I bet your DH would too!

All I can hear is a woman making excuses for the behaviour of a bully.

Sewmuchtodo · 20/07/2011 18:16

Are you really tight for money or is your DH simply being mean?

You need to do something quickly, no-one should have to live this way. You decided to have kids together and he has to realise this.

verytellytubby · 20/07/2011 18:42

Sounds grim. Don't usually say it but your DH is a controlling bastard.

happyhorse · 20/07/2011 19:07

How would your DH feel if he had no money of his own and had to ask permission to spend every penny? You should ask him this. And you should definitely take the job. If the rugby is so important to him then he'll find a way to manage. Perhaps one of these grateful parents could keep an eye on them.

forehead · 20/07/2011 19:29

Take the job.

Original poster

Needajobnow · 21/07/2011 09:54

Thankyou everyone!And thankyou tatty for the financial abuse link.Just read lots of it and will continue to do so.I'd never even heard of financial abuse until y'day!
One only snag about said job:I have to have a final discussion/meeting and then a store approval.This will take place during the weekday 9-5 hours iyswim!
Last time I had an interview I had to make sure hair/make up perfect interview clothes high heels etc and go on underground from outskirts london to other side of town with 2 babies and double pushchair.It was a nightmare.Then wait to meet OH hand babies over and rush off to interview completely flustered.
So difficult.I tried to talk to him last night he refused to listen was pointing his finger at me!He said he was actually willing to meet me half way but now because of the way I was being I can 'fuck off'.
We then sat and had dinner together and things seemed normal.Had no energy to argue.Then getting ready for bed he stormed upstairs like a child grabbed his pillow and slept on the sofa.
This morning he was stomping around and completely ignoring me.I said 'doing the silent treatment like a child are we' and he said 'your anger and behaviour is disgusting'.
I told him if we split he would have give me money and he started shouting 'is a that a threat'?
We are meant to be getting married soon
How pathetic do I sound?My mother and father gave up on me and he knows I'm completely vunerable.I came to london to get a job and better myself.

OP posts:

AnnThology · 21/07/2011 09:56

i seem to post this a lot htese days

AnnThology · 21/07/2011 09:58

better in this size

MumblingRagDoll · 21/07/2011 09:59

Why doesn't he teach the kids from the local state school ffs! sorry but I would be MAD if my DH did that.

GeekCool · 21/07/2011 10:03

OP this is horrible! You are right, he does hate you standing up for yourself so calls you angry to blame you when he is the one being unreasonable. Please listen to the good advice you are being given and good luck.

Original poster

Needajobnow · 21/07/2011 10:05

Thankyou Annthology!I'm reading that.
Mumbling-he only advertised with the private school.Afterwards he shows off 'you know my kid x his dad is the top surgeon for so and so in whole Europe' bla bla!He thinks privately school educated kids will be beter behaved and get on better.Funny thing is someone on this thread mentioned that most sportsmen don't come from private schools or money.I told him that..he looked up for a second and said 'that's actually right apart from so ans so there isn't anyone'.

OP posts:

Blu · 21/07/2011 10:09

"He said he was actually willing to meet me half way but now because of the way I was being I can 'fuck off'."

So he found a way to make his behaviour YOUR fault. But it's an outright lie. If he had been willing to 'meet you half way' you wouldn't have had to be angry etc. No WAY was he being co-operative. Partners shouldn't have to carry on like this - as your partner he should be willing to sit down and work out what is best for all of you as a family and what is best for you each individually - and then, as partners, support each other happily and gladly.

He is financially abusive and emotionally abusive. If you marry he will get far worse.

Contact Women's Aid or your Health Visitor and ask if there is a Freedom training course available in your area - this supports women to be assertive and get thier needs met - and to recognise abusive behaviour and if they choose get the knowledge and strngth to remove themsleves.

You had a dream in moving to London: hold on to that dream. Is this man helping you to better yourself?

And I agree with others - you CAN afford to get a job if you view the childcare costs as enabling you BOTH to work, not just you. He has childcare responsibilities too - and he is not treating you at all well as his childcare provider, so send them to a chilminder and take the fees out of your joint account.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/07/2011 10:09

Well for goodness sake don't marry him. That's the worst thing you could possibly do. It's good to see that you're standing up for yourself. The sulking and the bullying you're on the receiving end of is totally uncalled for. I don't know what went on with your parents but you don't sound 'completely vulnerable' to me btw... you sound very courageous, capable and determined. You deserve a lot better and my guess is that if you got yourself out from under the suffocation of having to deal with this man's behavioural problems you would absolutely flourish. Good luck

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 21/07/2011 10:15

For the love of god do not marry this man.
There are two sides to everything, but from what you've posted he sounds terrible. Investigate if you were to separate, what your financial position would be. I'm not saying that's what you should do, I think some counselling should be the first port of call, but if you research it then it empowers you and makes you confident that you have options should it happen anyway. It's no longer so scary or a stick he can "beat" you with and will give you confidence to not put up with this kind of abusive behaviour any more.

Original poster

Needajobnow · 21/07/2011 10:20

Thankyou for this advice.Would never know of Freedom course if I hadn't come on here.I'm looking into right now.That seems the plan right now.Lots of people might (rightly)say 'run for the hills' but nowhere to go!
One more thing:if I get in touch with hv will they think dc are at risk?(They're not btw they are my world and would never do anything to upset them).
Thankyou so so much again.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 21/07/2011 10:23

Take the job

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 21/07/2011 10:23

Don't marry him but do see a solicitor or at least the CAB for advice. He will have to pay to support the children if you leave him and TBH that's what you're going to have to do because this man isn't going to change. THe bottom line is that he doesn't consider you a human being, you are a 'woman' which means you're a cross between a domestic appliance and a pet and he is entitled to 'train' you into obedience and submission.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/07/2011 10:24

Your DC will not be treated as 'at risk'. Relationships fail all the time and what is more upsetting for children, normally, is living in an unhappy home.

pommedechocolat · 21/07/2011 10:24

This isn't right OP. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Do not marry him. Seek out all the help you can get and get your life back together.
Good luck.

razzlebathbone · 21/07/2011 10:29

He sounds vile. Putting a sport and sucking up to a load of rich people before your own wife and children is pathetic.

scottishmummy · 21/07/2011 11:00

i see the usual change the locks advice has been dispensed
no dont change locks its illegal and provocative.
do look into what he could charge for his sports, ask him why he doesnt charge?he can pursue and maintain coaching and make money off it too
do discuss with him you need something for yourself and want to contribute

scottishmummy · 21/07/2011 11:03

acknowledging to hv your relationship is fraught doesn't equate to hv think your dc are at risk. she will hopefully be empathic and a good listener

and no dont marry this man he makes you unhappy and thats not a good basis

duchesse · 21/07/2011 11:07

OP- What do you he won't "let you get a job"? What is this, the 1870s? He's a nasty nasty man. Gaining glory and approbation from the parents (which suits him and helps him salve his City conscience) whilst making you mop up after him. Nice.

duchesse · 21/07/2011 11:11

Oh, and please please contact your parents again. Don't be embarrassed. They will be so glad that you are breaking free from this hideous control freak, and you are going to need their help in the next few months. Pack up the babies, (Saturday maybe while OH is busy) and get on the train and go to see them.

DrCoconut · 21/07/2011 11:28

The turning things round so it's your fault rings serious alarm bells with me. I am now 11 years free of domestic abuse and know the warning signs from experience. I couldn't see it at the time but my ex OH's behaviour was outrageous and controlling. Stopping you from spending on reasonable things, not letting you work, insulting/demeaning you, telling you to f' off. I would get on that train if I were you....with a large suitcase and a one way ticket. After all, that is effectively what he has told you to do isn't it!

Flip

1 2 3 4