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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH moans about money but won't let me get a job

96 replies

Needajobnow · 20/07/2011 17:16

OH works mon-fri in the city.Stressful job-doesn't really like it.
I have 2 lo's age 1 and 3.SAHM as can't afford to go back to work.
OH teaches rugby for free on sundays.The dc he teaches are from a nearby private school.The parents are lovely and very wealthy.They say OH is mad for not charging them.He says he's 'giving something back' and wants to be seen as the good guy.
He moans when I spend any money.I thought I would try and find a p/t job.
My area is cosmetics/makeup etc.Spent last 2 months applying and having interviews etc.
In talks of a job but in this field they don't do just saturdays.I've been offered Sat/Sun job.
He just shouted at me(on phone)'So you want me to resign from my rugby'??
He's livid.He thinks I'm plotting against him because he thinks I don't want him to have his precious rugby in his life.
I don't have any family nearby so no support network and noone to look after dc.
I don't mind not getting a job but every single day he moans about money.
He doesn't want me to buy anything.I have never been away from my DC since I've had them.Never even met someone for a coffee.
I don't drive so at the wk/end he'll go to buy food for eg and stop for ages for drinks.I'm always always with dc.
He screamed at me the other day because I said I was going to get my hair done.'I'm not spending money on your poxy hair'.
If I worked then I could spend what I like when I like(to an extent).
He made us miss an important family occassion(my side)because of him teaching rugby.
I asked him to meet me in the middle and he's being angry and nasty.
I'm with dc all day.Nobody to ever help.I find them so so difficult.He comes home and says 'what have you been doing all day'?Impossible to keep this place tidy as my 1yr old is into everything and 3yr old so destructive.
WWYD?

OP posts:
DirtyMartini · 20/07/2011 17:36

I'm sad for you. It sounds like this is not even close to being a partnership of equals. It is one partner dominating the other completely. The fact that you get on really well sometimes ... I'm sorry, but that's a pathetically weak plus point.

It all sounds truly horrible, like a trap, with screaming at you and insults ("poxy hair"). :(

Anyway. Good luck OP, and personally I hope you get out of the "relationship". But I know you may decide not to ... this kind of thread is why I have the whole Relationships section hidden. I should know better than to click when one creeps into AIBU

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 20/07/2011 17:37

Take the job, let him take them to rugby.

FreudianSlipper · 20/07/2011 17:38

of course he will not let you get a job as he is seeing you as his possession he has you just where he wants you and needs you to feel in control. you do not have to do as he tells you and if you find he is ignoring your needs on what you want to do then you have to make plans to get out (which i suspect you will need to do for you to be happy)

AmaraDresden · 20/07/2011 17:39

If you're on tax credits surely you'd get help towards childcare costs if you both work?

Take the job, and find someone local to you to have a coffee with in town or something - gosh we all need support :(

AmaraDresden · 20/07/2011 17:39

If you're on tax credits surely you'd get help towards childcare costs if you both work?

Take the job, and find someone local to you to have a coffee with in town or something - gosh we all need support :(

TattyDevine · 20/07/2011 17:40

Please take a sec to read about Financial abuse and see how many of the criteria apply to him. Then show him. He might not realise just how ridiculous he is being.

DogsBestFriend · 20/07/2011 17:42

"Fine, let him take the children to rugby with him - let him organise childcare at the weekend if he won't look after them himself. Take that job."

Abso-bloody-lutely.

skybluepearl · 20/07/2011 17:42

he is very controlling. have you told him how unhappy you are? you need to make some major changes in your life - learn to drive, get some savings and improve your quality of living mid week. your situation isn't normal and it must be so frustrating for you

valiumredhead · 20/07/2011 17:45

If I worked then I could spend what I like when I like(to an extent).

You should be able to now.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 20/07/2011 17:45

You REALLY need to post this in relatiuonships I doubt very much that anyone will suggest that you are unreasonable but you do need help in working out how you are going to deal with this and whetehr you are happy to spend the rest of your life with so little control over what you can do and where you can go has he so tighly holds the purse strings.

Do you get out much to playgroups or is that also considered "poxy"?

Original poster
Needajobnow · 20/07/2011 17:46

Of course I know he's not my dad.I say 'won't let me' because he's quite frankly putting obstacles in my way when all I do is try and I'm angry that he fails to see that.

Yes he does want to be like the rich parents.He puts on a well spoken voice around them.

He can also be lovely sometimes but seems only when I'm agreeing with him.
I met him when I just turned 22.Now a few years on I think why the hell am I putting up with his terrible antics.
I stick up for myself and he HATES IT.He says I'm the angriest girl he's ever known and that if he says black is black I'll say it's white.

Once dc are tucked up in bed and we have our dinner and maybe some wine we get on really well and laugh at same things etc.
That makes me wonder is it the daily pressures of life?With the cost of things,young dc and his stressful job.Don't know if he can help the way he is.

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 20/07/2011 17:46

Also agree with those who say TAKE THE JOB!!!!!

Pixieonabroomstick · 20/07/2011 17:49

sounds like he keeps putting you down , then your stand up to him and then he makes you feel guilty for doing it , in the hope that one day you will stop and be so ground down you will let him behave however he likes.

FreudianSlipper · 20/07/2011 17:49

if you go on to the relationships forum you will find a thread that for women who are in emotionally abusive relationships. reading it may be painful for you but you will see very similar stories this is about control, not about him having a stressful job, him wanting to look after his family its about him and what he needs

DontCallMePeanut · 20/07/2011 17:50

Please read the link Tatty provided about financial abuse. I also get the impression you're trying to minimise his behaviour, by saying that you can get on well, and he can be lovely when you're agreeing with him. Does this mean he's a bully when you don't agree with him? His decision on everything?

NotADudeExactly · 20/07/2011 17:52

So he's really only not an arse when you do exactly what he says?

There's a word for that, it's called controlling. When he's being 'lovely' he isn't being lovely at all. He's merely giving you the carrot instead of the stick.

Having re-read the OP and your latest post I have to agree with the poster who saidbthat this man sees you as a possession. Phone WA and ask for advice. Or just get the he'll out of there. Your husband sounds like an irredeemable twat!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2011 17:52

"He is a control freak but when we get on we get on really well"

That's how all bullies operate. The 'good cop, bad cop' routine. They are truly horrible to you until you don't think you can take any more crap.. then they're sweetness, light and all apologies. You think what you're feeling is love but, in reality, you're just grateful that the nasty stuff has stopped...

The rugby, the shopping, the 'won't let me get a job' thing... all just excuses to keep you trapped at home where he can dominate you. It's a common thing to happen in a relationship, sadly, but it's really not the sign of a healthy marriage.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 20/07/2011 17:52

Oh so not only finnacially abusive generally abusive aswell.

He's labelled you as the angry girl, what ever you say from now on is because yo're the "angry girl" and he can't have a reasonable conversation with you because you're the "angry girl"?

(also girl is a very demeaning term for a partner it infantises you)

Original poster
Needajobnow · 20/07/2011 17:53

I'm not on tax credits btw!

Thankyou for reading and will ask MNHQ to move it maybe to relationships.Don't know why I didn't think of that!

Don't go to baby groups.I know I should but I've been online looking for work and my 2 dc are so challenging.I know it's like that for everyone btw!
I take them to the park and put them in a creche while I go swimming-things like that!
Live in quite an isolated area where you need to drive.Actually having a lesson in around 20 mins so please let me thank you all for reading and I'm not just vanishing!Smile

OP posts:
gapants · 20/07/2011 17:53

Just wanted to chime with the others this is not normal behaviour within a relationship of 2 adults

The one thing that really stood out for me in your post was that you don't see anyone for coffee or meet mates. Ever? What do you do with your kids all day? I go to friends houses for a play/chat, or to the park where I meet friends, toddler groups, play groups, national trust places. But I would say most of the time it is with other mums.

About 1/2 month I go out without my DH, dinner with friends, the cinema, theatre, shopping, lunch. Something.

LDNmummy · 20/07/2011 17:56

Sounds just like my ex, he also had an issue with money. He was from a small Yorkshire town and a working class family but went to Cambridge and had all these issues about his background, wanting to be part of a certain crowd and keeping up appearances etc..

OP please get a job even if it is just to get out of the house. You may end up spending a massive chunk of your wages on childcare but at least you can get out of the house. My LO isn't even hear yet and I know I couldn't take a life of sitting indoors all day watching the LO alone.

It may be the first step to some independence and a new life for you, whether that be with or without your DH.

LDNmummy · 20/07/2011 17:58

Oh and yes, he was also controlling like your DH.

How many men exist out there like this Sad

revolutionscoop · 20/07/2011 18:01

He sounds like a bully, and is treating you like an unpaid menial. Learning to drive is great, though, and should really help (assuming he gives you access to a car and money for petrol!?) Seriously, this sounds like a very unpleasant dynamic. What do your family/friends think of him? Have you spoken to them about his objections to you getting a job?

DontCallMePeanut · 20/07/2011 18:04

Too many, LDN :(

inatrance · 20/07/2011 18:07

His behaviour is abusive. The only reason he is nice sometimes is because that's what keeps you there. It's all part of the 'hook'. He doesn't have to hit you to be abusive.

He does not have the right to control you. You are right to question the status quo. Read up on emotionally abusive relationships, arm yourself with information and make plans to become self sufficient then take your kids and get as far away as you can.

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