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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be freaked out at thought of having to financial support one of my parents?

20 replies

mootie · 19/07/2011 22:14

We are giving him a lump sum of savings we have to help him, but likelihood is that we will also have to give him up to £200 a month. We are ok financially, but this will make things super-tight. It could last years, years. I feel mean (and guilty) to be angry that we have to do this, but I am cross, anxious and scared. Anyone else in this position? Does the dread and sick feeling pass?

OP posts:

katz · 19/07/2011 22:16

why?

AuntiePickleBottom · 19/07/2011 22:17

is he in a care home ???

squeakytoy · 19/07/2011 22:17

why do you HAVE to?

omnishambles · 19/07/2011 22:17

Yes, you get used to the fact that a lot of your money is tied up there but what can you do?

They look after you for the first 20 years and then it reverses. Trite but true.

But yes it is galling when lots of other people are still getting money from their parents.

Original poster

mootie · 19/07/2011 22:23

he is not in a care home. he has very, very small pension, very very small savings.

OP posts:

omnishambles · 19/07/2011 22:24

Has he got his own house mootie - ie are you ever going to get the money back?

Original poster

mootie · 19/07/2011 22:25

I don't have to, but he financially supported a member of our family for years, and that's why he is in such a dire financial state. It's still not clear how much we will have to help him, because he keeps delaying a proper conversation and we won't be able to get to the bottom of it till we travel to visit him next month. He'd been working until he started getting health problems earlier this year, and I'm not sure he will be able to go back to work. Plus, he's knocking 80.

OP posts:

Original poster

mootie · 19/07/2011 22:26

Nope, rents.

OP posts:

Tenacity · 19/07/2011 22:27

Try asking people is some third world countries who have to support a whole family (other than their own) and more.

Be thankful you can at least help. This is what it means to be part of 'family', you help each other through thick and thin.

I assume this parent raised you? and hopefully you had a good childhood. If they did raise you, I am sure many sacrifices were made. It's your turn now, and do it with courage and maturity.

omnishambles · 19/07/2011 22:27

Can he move in with you instead? And if he hasnt got any money why isnt he getting hb?

FabbyChic · 19/07/2011 22:30

Far better to work out his entitlements, as if he will be in receipt of benefits anything you give him could be deducted making him not financially better off.

If he has debts you can get them consolidated or take out a VO.

Before handing over cash it is better to sort out his finances in a more manageable manner, if you can pay bills of his direct that would be better to, better off not to give cash because then he can give away to others which would therefore negate any help you give.

Original poster

mootie · 19/07/2011 22:32

Parent didn't raise me, lives abroad, not hugely involved in raising me, but not absent either - we lived abroad, plus he's an old school divorced Dad, if you see what I mean. Not sure about hb, he has rented the same flat privately for 30+ years, at his age moving to a new flat in a new area would probably be hugely disruptive, but is of course not out of the question. But his rent isn't excessive. Part of what I hope to find out when I travel to see him is what benefits he might be entitled to.
I'm not resentful as such, and I'm well aware of what some people suffer through to help their families. I guess I'm just having a bit of a whinge, and I'm scared of the responsibility and want to hear from other people who are in this position.

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 19/07/2011 22:34

Only 9 posts in before the third world was mentioned. Is this a record?

FabbyChic · 19/07/2011 22:35

Just be aware that any money you give him comes off of benefits, you should help by paying for his weekly shop, not giving him money.

Other pensioners manage on benefits he should be able to to if he is in the UK.

You could buy his TV licence etc., things like that are of more value than hard cash.

Original poster

mootie · 19/07/2011 22:36

If so, Gwendoline, I am bursting with pride.

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Original poster

mootie · 19/07/2011 22:37

Not in the UK. Like I said, not entirely sure of situation where he is, but obviously will try to find out more when I'm there.

OP posts:

omnishambles · 19/07/2011 22:39

He will get hb if his income is less than a certain amount no matter where he lives and if he needs that much a month from you then he cant be claiming what he is entitled to unless he has got massive debts to pay off.

What used to be Age Concern (whats the new name?) are really very good - they send someone round and go through it all.

omnishambles · 19/07/2011 22:40

Oh sorry cross-posts. Thats very difficult then.

FabbyChic · 19/07/2011 22:40

Other countries work totally different so it could be he needs cash to survive.

YOu can research all you need to know on the internet before you see him to find out what his entitlements are.

Original poster

mootie · 19/07/2011 22:41

No debts, as far as I know. Will look up Age Concern equivalent where he lives. He is in touch with social services because of his health problems, I want to meet with his social worker when I'm there to get the low-down on financial aid.

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Flip