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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to rip DH heart out like he has done to me?

57 replies

smellimelli · 19/07/2011 10:15

Sorry- not sure why that didn't post....

I've lust been on the laptop to open a file I thought I'd left open, I hadn't so I went to recent documents and guess what? I found a stash of porn downloads that DH must have been looking at last night.

I am sitting here in tears and my reaction has surprised me. I feel totally betrayed by DH, as though he has cheated on me and broken a special bond between us.

In the past porn hasn't been a "bad" thing to me, DH and I have used it together (and don't flame me for this, porn is not the issue here) but I feel that he has done something devious and underhand. It's made me think if he can do this is the next step an affair?

To put this in context, we have a 7month DD and our relationship has drastically changed. I'm on maternity leave but am having to go back to work ft which is making me stressed and snappy to DH. DD wakes 2-4 times nightly, I'm so tired. I feel fat and unattractive. Some days it's all I can do to get out of bed and go through the day. DH works his socks off so we only see each other evenings and 1.5 days a week. Our sex life has drastically dropped off as often I'm just too tired and would rather sleep (it's still good when it happens). We just don't have fun anymore and have arguments over the stupid things.

PIL are coming over this afternoon for dinner and all I want to do is play the porn in front of them and ask DH WTF this is all about.

BTW I've lurked on MN for ages but only joined the other day, so please don't think that this isn't a genuine post. I really need some advice quickly.

Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 19/07/2011 10:45

You haven't failed him, and he hasn't done anything wrong in masturbating. It's his body, and if he wants to touch it he can. I really think you need to take a step back before you go mad at him and make him feel bad for...well, nothing really.

RealityAlt0174 · 19/07/2011 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

niceguy2 · 19/07/2011 10:46

"99% of men have watched porn." and the other 1% are good liars!

We all need a moment of solitude. I am very open with my partner and we've no secrets. But that doesn't mean I tell her "Listen honey...I'm just off to the loo for a quick dump." And I don't want to tell her when I fancy a quick wank either.

It's not about deception, it's about privacy. Just because he's married to you doesn't mean he won't wank. Did you honestly think he'd never ever do it again? And when he wanks, he doesn't really want you to know. Otherwise he'd be knocking one out in bed next to you! And nothing would be more offputting than knowing your wife knows you are having a tug.

It's a private moment. Let him keep it that way.

GingerbreadDad · 19/07/2011 10:48

You watch it together so it isn't really taboo in your house, I doubt he thought you would even mind. You were tired he went to sort himself out it doesn't mean anything more than that for most men.

JanMorrow · 19/07/2011 10:48

People are allowed to masturbate, it doesn't mean that he loves you or wants you less, he probably just see's that you're knackered and a quick wank tides him over! He still loves you.

Please don't take it as rejection! It's just a bodily need, he probably doesn't want to bother you/stress you when you're so tired and stressed.

Have a chat with him when you have calmed down, the poor man hasn't done anything wrong..

diddl · 19/07/2011 10:49

Well I would rather my husband have a wank than me have to "find the energy" when I really didn´t want to tbh.

And sometimes men-& women-don´t want sex/blow job/hand job-just a bit of DIY-or is that just meBlush?

BlooferLady · 19/07/2011 10:49

YABVU.

This is not about your husband using porn.

This is about you being at a point when you have zero self esteem and are feeling vulnerable.

Talk to him about how you feel. And calm the heck down!

Good luck :)

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 19/07/2011 10:50

I love the way everyone's saying that 'most men' wank in a way that suggests women would never partake in such filthery Grin

Curiousmama · 19/07/2011 10:50

Sorry but i think your exhaustion and stress is making you over react. Hope you can communicate civily with your dh?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 19/07/2011 10:51

Oh, apart from diddl

BlooferLady · 19/07/2011 10:51

Not just you diddl Grin

Kayzr · 19/07/2011 10:54

My DP works away for 5 weeks and if I think he wont want to wank for those 5 weeks and if he thinks I don't have needs while he is away he's nuts.

porcamiseria · 19/07/2011 10:59

another to say I think the upset is facing the fact that he obv misses your sex life, and its maybe making you feel (wrongly) guilty?

never underestimate the shocker of the first child, and how hard it is returning to work for the first time. Its just bloody hard

try and be kind to him, and kind to you. things will get normal again

and \I think YABU for seeing it as a betrayal. sorry x

TandB · 19/07/2011 11:01

You can't really treat someone masturbating as a betrayal of your relationship. That is almost suggesting that you have some sort of ownership over his body and the right to control his use of it. He has the right to enjoy his body privately, just as you do.

Original poster
smellimelli · 19/07/2011 11:07

Thank you all so much. I have calmed down a lot. I think you're all right, I think this is more about the way I'm feeling. I feel so tired and unable to cope sometimes and have seen this as something else that has changed/gone wrong.

I will talk to DH when his PIL have left tonight and yes, I promise to do it in a non-shouty/accusing way (now I've got it all out here!).

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 19/07/2011 11:08

It does get better, you know. That first year is tough, but it honestly does get better x

Curiousmama · 19/07/2011 11:35

You may find this helps your relationship?

BlooferLady · 19/07/2011 11:55

I think Curious is right, and it'll help you to have a good, honest conversation about how you are feeling about yourself, him, family life - everything. Good luck! :)

knittedbreast · 19/07/2011 11:56

sorry can i ask, when you watch porn togehter what do you actually do? do you talk abiut it?

sorry ...

offonajolly · 19/07/2011 12:04

I think this is you projecting your low self esteem onto him. You've said yourself you're so tired at the moment you haven't been having regular sex and we all have needs so that's his way of dealing with the change since having your DD.

I wouldn't have a go, ask him to help you in the night, focus on making yourself feel better and gaining your confidence again and then see how things are.

klapaucius · 19/07/2011 13:40

I can understand why you were maybe a bit hurt at first but I really wouldn't worry about it. "I guess I feel that I've failed him in some way" of course not!!! Your DD is just 7 months old! And he definitely doesn't think that either. I have an amazing DP who I love dearly and I'll admit to watching porn sometimes and having a bit of "alone time" - even though I would say with no hesitations that I am 100% satisfied with our sex life. If we are apart for a while then I wouldn't mind if he has a wank or watched porn, similarly he wouldn't mind if I did. It's not "the next step" to an affair.

pictish · 19/07/2011 14:20

"PIL are coming over this afternoon for dinner and all I want to do is play the porn in front of them and ask DH WTF this is all about"

Don't you DARE!

Not only is that totally unwarranted, you will make a fool of yourself in the process.

I think you need some sleep to be honest. You are overreacting badly here.

Ask dh to take over so you can rest asap. xxx

Malificence · 19/07/2011 14:24

I'm leaving my objections to porn firmly outside this thread.

I'm going to shock everyone here by saying I actually agree with Bloofer and porcamiseria - this is about the strains of a new baby on your relationship, the porn is just the catalyst imho, something easy to hang the blame on.

I understand why you feel betrayed, it must have been a shock, I bet you are resentful that he even finds the time to sit wanking to porn whilst you are so exhausted.

You do need to talk to him about it before it becomes a huge issue .

Niceguy, what's wrong with a person masturbating in the comfort of their own bed, lying next to their partner? Confused You have an odd attitude to sex if you find the thought of your wife knowing "offputting".

eurochick · 19/07/2011 14:28

I'd feel v odd having my husband wanking next to me in bed. He does it in private. I do it in private. If I was doing it while he was laying next to me, I'd find that a bit odd, but each to their own.

Malificence · 19/07/2011 14:42

I don't get this "it's private" attitude, masturbation is just another part of your sex life imho, but as you say, each to their own.

I had no idea that so many people were squeamish about masturbation until I started mumsnetting.