To want to rip DH heart out like he has done to me?

[smellimelli]

Sorry- not sure why that didn't post....

I've lust been on the laptop to open a file I thought I'd left open, I hadn't so I went to recent documents and guess what? I found a stash of porn downloads that DH must have been looking at last night.

I am sitting here in tears and my reaction has surprised me. I feel totally betrayed by DH, as though he has cheated on me and broken a special bond between us.

In the past porn hasn't been a "bad" thing to me, DH and I have used it together (and don't flame me for this, porn is not the issue here) but I feel that he has done something devious and underhand. It's made me think if he can do this is the next step an affair?

To put this in context, we have a 7month DD and our relationship has drastically changed. I'm on maternity leave but am having to go back to work ft which is making me stressed and snappy to DH. DD wakes 2-4 times nightly, I'm so tired. I feel fat and unattractive. Some days it's all I can do to get out of bed and go through the day. DH works his socks off so we only see each other evenings and 1.5 days a week. Our sex life has drastically dropped off as often I'm just too tired and would rather sleep (it's still good when it happens). We just don't have fun anymore and have arguments over the stupid things.

PIL are coming over this afternoon for dinner and all I want to do is play the porn in front of them and ask DH WTF this is all about.


BTW I've lurked on MN for ages but only joined the other day, so please don't think that this isn't a genuine post. I really need some advice quickly.

Sorry it's so long.

[Bumpsadaisie]

I think you are very tired from all the sleepless nights. And you are about to go back to work, full time, presumably you are putting your DD into childcare etc. Going back to work 40 hours a week after being with your child 24/7 is a big step and a big emotional wrench - well it was for me at least. You are probably very worried about this and in addition to the tiredness and the general stresses of adjusting to life with a child, you are losing a bit of perspective. Which is understandable!

It is a hard time but it will all work out, your family will adjust to the new regime and life will go on.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

O dear, you have got your knickers in a twist

How can your dh make porn more sordid than it already is less special between you just because he watched alone while no doubt thinking of you beside him enjoying the action?

Think of all the fun you'll have catching up with his solitary viewing, and think how knackered he's going to be keeping up

[JamieAgain]

"Yes, he does know that this would be a no-no. It's the deception I think that bothers me the most. If he'd have said to me "Mrs SM, I feel really horny, fancy a shag?" and I said "no I'm too tired" and he'd said "I'll just watch some porn and get my rocks off..." I don't think I'd have minded. Hell, I'd probably have found the energy. It's the fact he's taken something special between us and made it all sordid".


So tell him that. He may not know that that would be OK with you.

[AnyFucker]

ha !

a pleasant spot of mutual masturbation makes the world go round ! Euro, you should give it a whirl...

sometimes it's private, sometimes it's something you can enjoy together

if you always need porn to do it though, there is something wrong with you

[OldRedEyes]

if women are holier than thou and never wank, why are rabbits so popular

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Please don't get upset that he's jerking off while you get some much needed zzzzzz's as there's plenty more where they came from, and all you have to do is ask.

PS there may come a time when your libido is up while his is down - what goes around, comes around so make some tapes

[MoonGirl1981]

Having a baby will make your sex life drop. You're tired. It's understandable. It doesn't last though, and things will pick up.

Does he know you feel fat and unattractive? I bet he thinks you're both beautiful and incredible. Even more so now you've had his child. Tell him that's how you feel. I'll bet he'll reassure you in seconds.

I expect he just wanted a quick wank. Heavy balls, distraction from a rough day at work, who knows!

The girls in porn aren't pretty. They're sweaty and skanky. Ideal to wank over but hardly someone you'd choose as a future partner (and no offence made to any reading porn stars - you do an awkward job and I imagine you do it well).

The next step is NOT an affair! The next step is you telling him how you feel and how discovering porn makes you feel worse.

Suggest that next time he wants to watch porn and jerk off you get to join in!

[Malificence]

I don't get this "it's private" attitude, masturbation is just another part of your sex life imho, but as you say, each to their own.
I had no idea that so many people were squeamish about masturbation until I started mumsnetting.

[eurochick]

I'd feel v odd having my husband wanking next to me in bed. He does it in private. I do it in private. If I was doing it while he was laying next to me, I'd find that a bit odd, but each to their own.

[Malificence]

I'm leaving my objections to porn firmly outside this thread.

I'm going to shock everyone here by saying I actually agree with Bloofer and porcamiseria - this is about the strains of a new baby on your relationship, the porn is just the catalyst imho, something easy to hang the blame on.

I understand why you feel betrayed, it must have been a shock, I bet you are resentful that he even finds the time to sit wanking to porn whilst you are so exhausted.

You do need to talk to him about it before it becomes a huge issue .

Niceguy, what's wrong with a person masturbating in the comfort of their own bed, lying next to their partner? You have an odd attitude to sex if you find the thought of your wife knowing "offputting".

[pictish]

"PIL are coming over this afternoon for dinner and all I want to do is play the porn in front of them and ask DH WTF this is all about"

Don't you DARE!

Not only is that totally unwarranted, you will make a fool of yourself in the process.

I think you need some sleep to be honest. You are overreacting badly here.

Ask dh to take over so you can rest asap. xxx

[klapaucius]

I can understand why you were maybe a bit hurt at first but I really wouldn't worry about it. "I guess I feel that I've failed him in some way" of course not!!! Your DD is just 7 months old! And he definitely doesn't think that either. I have an amazing DP who I love dearly and I'll admit to watching porn sometimes and having a bit of "alone time" - even though I would say with no hesitations that I am 100% satisfied with our sex life. If we are apart for a while then I wouldn't mind if he has a wank or watched porn, similarly he wouldn't mind if I did. It's not "the next step" to an affair.

[offonajolly]

I think this is you projecting your low self esteem onto him. You've said yourself you're so tired at the moment you haven't been having regular sex and we all have needs so that's his way of dealing with the change since having your DD.

I wouldn't have a go, ask him to help you in the night, focus on making yourself feel better and gaining your confidence again and then see how things are.

[knittedbreast]

sorry can i ask, when you watch porn togehter what do you actually do? do you talk abiut it?

sorry ...

[BlooferLady]

I think Curious is right, and it'll help you to have a good, honest conversation about how you are feeling about yourself, him, family life - everything. Good luck! :)

[Curiousmama]

You may find this helps your relationship?

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

It does get better, you know. That first year is tough, but it honestly does get better x

[smellimelli]

Thank you all so much. I have calmed down a lot. I think you're all right, I think this is more about the way I'm feeling. I feel so tired and unable to cope sometimes and have seen this as something else that has changed/gone wrong.

I will talk to DH when his PIL have left tonight and yes, I promise to do it in a non-shouty/accusing way (now I've got it all out here!).

[TandB]

You can't really treat someone masturbating as a betrayal of your relationship. That is almost suggesting that you have some sort of ownership over his body and the right to control his use of it. He has the right to enjoy his body privately, just as you do.

[porcamiseria]

another to say I think the upset is facing the fact that he obv misses your sex life, and its maybe making you feel (wrongly) guilty?

never underestimate the shocker of the first child, and how hard it is returning to work for the first time. Its just bloody hard

try and be kind to him, and kind to you. things will get normal again

and \I think YABU for seeing it as a betrayal. sorry x

[Kayzr]

My DP works away for 5 weeks and if I think he wont want to wank for those 5 weeks and if he thinks I don't have needs while he is away he's nuts.

[BlooferLady]

Not just you diddl

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Oh, apart from diddl

[Curiousmama]

Sorry but i think your exhaustion and stress is making you over react. Hope you can communicate civily with your dh?

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

I love the way everyone's saying that 'most men' wank in a way that suggests women would never partake in such filthery