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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need to vent about my arsehole brother

103 replies

CupcakesandTwunting · 18/07/2011 16:51

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I have posted reams about my brother before, some of you might remember. Brief outline for those of you who don't know about what a spectacular idiot he is... He is now 22. He dropped out of school/college basically because he is a lazy moron, he has never had a job for the same reason. He has had three serious girlfriends but has cheated on all of them in pretty poor fashion i.e arranging to meet girls from the internet for sex/trying to arrange for him and his girlfriend to have a threesome without her knowledge. He then (miraculously) got offered a place on a course at a music college in Brighton which he accepted. His dad (my ex-stepdad) funded the course for the first year and off he went. He has been sponging off mum/his dad ever since. He goes for weeks without ringing mum/answering his 'phone to her and only ever calls her when he needs bailing out with cash.

Cue today. He has been off to the Benicassim festival in Barcelona for a week. Got back today. Rang mum from London Victoria to say he was stranded in London as he had "lost" his train ticket (he has pulled this stunt before). My mum went into hysterics, thinking of her boy stuck in London on his own and she had a massive panic attack. I found this out because her counsellor rang me (she managed to get my number off mum) to say that mum was in a terrible state in her office and she could do with someone to be with her. I rushed about, got ready to go to her then got a call off my aunty to say that she was now with her and not to bother going over. My uncle had taken mum's car home as she was too upset to drive it.

I just called her to make sure she was OK and just about resisted the urge to tell her to get a grip. FFS, he has pulled this stunt so many times in the past. He reckons he bought his ticket before he went and has lost it. I reckon he did no such thing, thought he'd spend his cash on beer and mummy/daddy would get him out the shit when he returned. AIBU to want to punch my own brother squarely between the eyes? I expect I am but I am starting to hate him. I know that sounds harsh but a lot has gone on and it's been a slow build-up to this. I think I do actually hate him. He causes so much upset. When will he ever grow up?

OP posts:
Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 20/07/2011 16:47

FH? Fucking husband? Fabulous husband?

Sausage fingers. :(

OP posts:
JamieAgain · 20/07/2011 16:56

Fit Husband?

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 20/07/2011 16:57
Wink
OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 20/07/2011 17:02

That was absolutely disgraceful behaviour by the counsellor. Really really unforgivable. To get the whole lot of you in a flap about your 22 year old brother in London is FUCKING INSANE! Can you remind your Mum that young men of 16 were allowed to sign up and fight in WW1?

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 20/07/2011 17:05

Thanks bibbity.

When I put the 'phone down, I felt uneasy, like I shouldn't really have been party to that counselling session. I'm not the one paid to deal with these meltdowns (that sounds harsh) but wasn't sure if it was me being daft...

Btw I was the only one NOT in a flap. I mean, he's in a major city, in daylight, with all his faculties about him. Nothing to flap about IMO.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 20/07/2011 17:12

Yanbu at all, how old us he 2! Will your mum still do this when he is 32,42,52! When will it stop. She is enabling his crap behaviour.

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 20/07/2011 17:23

Oh I have said this to her, several times. I said to her today "look, I don't want to still be having this same conversation in fifteen years time, so just cut me out of it, please."

It WILL go on forever. He WILL be like Jeremy off Peep Show as one wise poster said earlier!

OP posts:
ManicMiner · 20/07/2011 17:43

What's he going to do when your mum isn't around anymore?

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 20/07/2011 19:37

Perish, with any luck...

OP posts:
Dorje · 21/07/2011 00:21

oooooo where are you planning for Christmas?

What a lovely time you will have with those who love you for you, not just for how high you jump to their tune.

How liberating to realise this now, and not be stuck in a rut like the rest of them Grin well done!

Enjoy your holiday brochure browsing and dreaming!! You are entitled to a lovely life, surrounded by your loved ones and friends - take a deep breath and enjoy!!

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 04:45

In fairness to the counsellor, if your mum's anxiety attacks are the kind that land her in A&E, I don't at all blame her for calling someone else. An ambulance was probably a step too far, but getting some extra help from someone who knows your mother's health situation makes sense. What else was she supposed to do? Slap her? (I mean yes, that's an option but generally she could lose her job and be sued over that). The woman arrived at her office in a complete state already, she was probably already hyperventilating and hysterical and therefore not in a position to be "talked down".

However, I do agree that she is not helping your mum to resolve her issues practically - but that appears to be because your mum doesn't really want them resolved, she just needs an audience to listen to her martyrdom and doesn't mind paying for it.

As for your brother - well, he isn't going to improve voluntarily. My BIL is a useless waster too, and his mum (MIL) enables it all the time and whinges about it. DH is fed up to the back teeth of it and we have both said that the best thing she could do is kick him out and stop taxi-ing for him, but she won't. The difference for her is that I believe she feels guilty - her DH died when the boys were in their late teens and their "maturing years" were marred heavily by their Dad's illness and death, so she didn't spend as much time on them as she otherwise might have done - hence the guilt (IMO). Still doesn't help him any though! Angry

I too hope that, should DS turn out to be a similar kind of waster, I could employ the necessary tough love to stop the cycle.

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 21/07/2011 07:29

Ugh. What a manchild.

If anyone is daft enough to marry him they'll end up on MN creating many threads about his uselessness! And your mum I'm afraid will be the MIL from hell.

You are doing the right thing by disengaging.

aurynne · 21/07/2011 08:16

I have a cousin like this. He is now 32, and hasn't changed. He hasn't kept a job in his life, always lived with his mum or with the girlfriend he happened to have at the moment, never contributed in any of the homes he lived at, always treated his girlfriends like crap (he happens to be very handsome and gets away with it, he always has a queue of vapid women waiting in line), and even though he does not work, he manages to always get the latest iPad, iPod, digital camera, etc etc... Sponging off my auntie, who absolutely adores him. For her, he can't do anything wrong.

Fortunately, he is losing some of his appeal now, women are starting to desert him and he is smelling the coffee.

Only way for you is to keep absolutely detached from him. Never offer him help, never ever offer him money, show indifference to his begging and his neverending "bad luck". It's worked for me. I also happen to be the only woman he respects.

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 21/07/2011 09:23

Dorje I am just thinking of hiring a cottage somewhere not to far from home, but far enough away to escape the melodrama. Wink Thank you for your kind post, too. :)

Thumb I understand your point, I do. But what am I supposed to do about a hyperventilating woman, mother or not? I am not a trained medic OR a counsellor who, presumably by dint of her profession, deals with this shit a lot of the time. TBH, the counsellor sounds as bad as my mum, she sounded a bit of a drama queen. This is why my mum loves her. She only gets on with people who feed the drama. She had a different counsellor before this woman, he sounded decent. She got rid of him because I think he wanted her to be complicit in sorting her fucking life out. Confused

Fuzz I am certain no sane woman would take him on. But yes, agree that it is a poor girl who ends up with my mother for a MIL Grin

aurynne everything you just said could be about my brother. The little shit always has the latest gadgets whilst me and DH are stuck with crappy mobiles even though both of us work. I wish I had worked out sooner that being a lazy, manipulative little cunt would get me far in life.

Anyway, he's due back today. Mum is probably polishing and buffing his pedestal as I type. I wonder how long it will be before she tries to force his presence on me...

OP posts:
ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 10:41

ha, at least you could have slapped her with impunity! Grin No, I know what you mean but it isn't really in the counsellor's remit (usually) to have to deal with a potential medical situation. Of course, if it wasn't a potential medical situation then yes of course she was totally over-reacting. Don't know, wasn't there - but I do know that the bitch who lives next door to us likes to try and win arguments by threatening to have a heart attack, because she had her thyroid gland removed - if she went as far as faking one, I guess people might try to phone her daughter or someone because she is more their responsibility, iyswim.

Anyway, sound like you have other grounds for getting rid of this particular counsellor!

2rebecca · 21/07/2011 12:26

Panic attacks aren't potential medical situations though and people having panic attacks don't need to go to A&E. A councillor trained in CBT would be teaching her client to work through her panic attacks and to see that if she does just sit there and let it all wash over her rather than going to A&E or running away from whatever triggered the panic attack nothing awful happens. You don't die, you don't lose consciousness. You feel your heart beating rapidly, hyperventilate get tingly fingers, feel a bit faint and then it subsides. Losing your fear of the panic attacks themselves and realising they aren't going to kill you, just make you feel unpleasant for a few minutes is part of the therapy.
A therapist who makes a drama out of a panic attack is worse than having no therapist.

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 21/07/2011 12:38

Precisely, rebecca.

It would have taken me thirty minutes to get to her, in which time she could have dealt with about six panic attacks by getting her to breathe into a paper bag/giving her a sweet cup of tea. Hmm

Drama llamas, the lot of 'em.

Punches needed all round.

OP posts:
ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 12:40

"There have been times where I have had to leave work because she is at A+E having passed out due to a panic attack. "
This is what the OP has said. That means that there is a potential medical situation.

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 12:41

But counsellors aren't necessarily trained in first aid, even, Cupcakes! Honestly, it's not a required part of their training.

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 12:43

Look, I agree the counsellor has other problems and probably panicked herself when your mother started her hysteria - so she called someone who might know your mother's state of health and what to do better than she did. That is a reasonable response, imo.

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 21/07/2011 12:46

I probably should have said "feigned passing out due to panic attacks." When she was taken into a+e a few years back, she was assessed by blood test/CT scan because the doctor seeing to her didn't think that it was the panic attack that made her pass out. Mum insisted that it was...

OP posts:
ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 12:51

Did she pass out then or was it the GillianMcKeith variety of fainting?

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 21/07/2011 12:56

Gillian McKeith.

One of her colleagues who was with her when she passed out at work rang me. "Luckily, she had a soft landing on the office sofa" she said.

Bet she did. Hmm

OP posts:
ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 13:01

Grin and Hmm - she's a serious drama queen your ma, isn't she!

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 21/07/2011 13:06

She's up for a BAFTA next year - Least Convincing Performance In An Ongoing Drama.

When I went to see her in the hospital, she was doing a weak kitten face and kept saying repeatedly "I just want a nice life, I just want a ncie life. What have I done to deserve this? I don't upset anyone."

I remember the first time I had a full-on panic attack about ten years ago and i thought my number was up, as you do when you can't breathe properly and the room is going round lik the waltzers. An hour later, I was flat-out on a bed because I was so tired from the episode. Not sat up manipulaing my visitors. Grin and Hmm like you said, Thumb.

OP posts: