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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need to vent about my arsehole brother

103 replies

CupcakesandTwunting · 18/07/2011 16:51

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I have posted reams about my brother before, some of you might remember. Brief outline for those of you who don't know about what a spectacular idiot he is... He is now 22. He dropped out of school/college basically because he is a lazy moron, he has never had a job for the same reason. He has had three serious girlfriends but has cheated on all of them in pretty poor fashion i.e arranging to meet girls from the internet for sex/trying to arrange for him and his girlfriend to have a threesome without her knowledge. He then (miraculously) got offered a place on a course at a music college in Brighton which he accepted. His dad (my ex-stepdad) funded the course for the first year and off he went. He has been sponging off mum/his dad ever since. He goes for weeks without ringing mum/answering his 'phone to her and only ever calls her when he needs bailing out with cash.

Cue today. He has been off to the Benicassim festival in Barcelona for a week. Got back today. Rang mum from London Victoria to say he was stranded in London as he had "lost" his train ticket (he has pulled this stunt before). My mum went into hysterics, thinking of her boy stuck in London on his own and she had a massive panic attack. I found this out because her counsellor rang me (she managed to get my number off mum) to say that mum was in a terrible state in her office and she could do with someone to be with her. I rushed about, got ready to go to her then got a call off my aunty to say that she was now with her and not to bother going over. My uncle had taken mum's car home as she was too upset to drive it.

I just called her to make sure she was OK and just about resisted the urge to tell her to get a grip. FFS, he has pulled this stunt so many times in the past. He reckons he bought his ticket before he went and has lost it. I reckon he did no such thing, thought he'd spend his cash on beer and mummy/daddy would get him out the shit when he returned. AIBU to want to punch my own brother squarely between the eyes? I expect I am but I am starting to hate him. I know that sounds harsh but a lot has gone on and it's been a slow build-up to this. I think I do actually hate him. He causes so much upset. When will he ever grow up?

OP posts:
Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 18/07/2011 19:13

Firestone, yes he does! Mum seems to think that because he got in at BIM that he is the next Paul McCartney waiting to be found. Nah mum, they'll just take any mug with the reddies Wink

OP posts:
spiderpig8 · 18/07/2011 19:21

i read this as nedding to 'vent about your arsehole bother' I was epecting a story about copious trumping!!

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 18/07/2011 19:26

I do have a thread under that name running on General Health Grin

OP posts:
SugarPasteFrog · 18/07/2011 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 18/07/2011 20:44

oh OUCH, nokissymum. However, OP, she speaks much sense, I really agree with her comments.

I have read this whole thread, and I'm afraid your mother is totally validating your brother's behaviour. And it's true - if you say 'he is being ridiculous and I refuse to engage in this whole debacle', then you will, exactly as NoKissy said, be acting the big bad sister and she can THEN go round getting her knickers in a twist about you as well.

You're in a fucker of a situation really, aren't you? I wish you much luck, I don't think there's an easy out, but for starters, i'd let the counsellor know that you are not to be called, the next time this happens. Let your mother nominate a BF and let her know the reason why.

Good grief. I feel for you, I really do! Your mother is just being hard work, I'm inclined to lay much of this at her feet, I think. (Sorry....).

Why don't you do the perennial favourite - print and show....?

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 18/07/2011 21:18

"And it's true - if you say 'he is being ridiculous and I refuse to engage in this whole debacle', then you will, exactly as NoKissy said, be acting the big bad sister and she can THEN go round getting her knickers in a twist about you as well."

Yes. This is exactly right. :(

Two christmasses ago, after he had caused an almight family rift (he stole from my mum some money that my aunty pushed through my mum's door. Brother blamed aunty for not pushing it through, mum took his side) I said that I did not want to see him over the christmas break. Fair enough I thought. Then I get the phonecalls from peripheral family members, "Your mum is in a state, she's very upset" so that I am guilt-tripped into being involved again. I just don't know how to effectively free myself of involvement in this. Of course I can't leave my mum in a state, being looked after by other people and she knows this.

OP posts:
Spuddybean · 18/07/2011 21:24

a train from London to Brighton is not expensive off peak - and he couldn't cover that? oh dear.

How did he get home in the end?

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 18/07/2011 21:30

I have no idea, Spuddy. I couldn't give a shiney shit either. In a way, I hope he's had to rough it in London, just for a night. Might teach him to stand on his own two big feet.

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 18/07/2011 21:37

Next time he is stranded at the rail station, get him to sell his phone for the ticket.

Idiot boy.

And your mum sounds a piece of work, too.

Spuddybean · 18/07/2011 21:38

He sounds like a loser, i know people like this, when we were 22 it was quite average but when they are still like it at 34, it is just sad.
I know of old friends still living with their parents making the music thing happen/still waiting for their acting break/trying to be a dj!
Like Jeremy from the peep show! after a while women stop fancying them and they can't compete in the job market. They become a subject of ridicule and the only one who still believes anything everything they say is their mum.

Your mum needs to show him some tough love now or it will be too late!

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 18/07/2011 21:39

Spuddy I am shaking with laughter at your last post Grin Jeremy from Peep Show is spot on.

OP posts:
Spuddybean · 18/07/2011 21:45

Yes, sadly the character seems to be very well observed! The environment of Brighton will also encourage his behaviour- it's got a very laid back vibe which will normalise his actions in his eyes.

Poor you. Ask him if identifies with Jeremy. Wink

ILoveGregoryHouse · 18/07/2011 21:46

Just wanted to say you have my sympathy. My brother is a total waste of space too. He's 38. My parents enable his behaviour. And my parents live with me. Fucks sake, I'm about to get steam coming out of my ears. Can't write any more as it's too much. Advice on here is sound but it's what you know already isn't it. Just vent.

Dorje · 18/07/2011 21:50

" CupcakesandTwunting Mon 18-Jul-11 17:43:48

"You have your own life : time to start living it."

I don't engage with him. I don't contact him, he doesn't contact me (mainly because he knows I can see through him) The only time we have anything to do with one another is when he returns home at christmas/easter."

You are marching along to the tune he's beating out on his little drum though - your mum is giving you the beat!

It's difficult to separate out from the marching band, but you do owe it to yourself.

Have a quiet Christmas with your choice of people - there is no contract between you and your DB and all those who enable him. You are allowed not to have any contact with him and his merry crew.

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 18/07/2011 22:15

The last three posts have made me chuckle! Thankyou! Grin

OP posts:
diddl · 19/07/2011 08:02

"Of course I can't leave my mum in a state, being looked after by other people and she knows this."

Why not?

It all got sorted out without you, didn´t it?

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 19/07/2011 10:19

It worked out yesterday.

There have been times where I have had to leave work because she is at A+E having passed out due to a panic attack. Hmm

I should really get "DICK" tattooed on my forehead, shouldn't I?

OP posts:
diddl · 19/07/2011 10:24

Well, "Mug", maybeGrin

But she´s an adult-not your responsibility, especially if there are others who could more easily help.

Or it´s to do with your brother who should be looking after himself, so that it´s really self inflictedBlush

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 19/07/2011 10:34

It IS self-inflicted, you're right.

My mum does have a problem with anxiety, I will say that for her. It seems to be genetic as her siblings do and I am currently having CBT to help me control mine. I tried to persuade her that she needed to ask her GP for CBT to help her manage the stress (learning to step back from typical triggers etc) and she said that she was fine just going to counselling. Hmmm, wonder why? Is it because you've got someone willing to listen to you talk about you for an hour a week. Hmm

Sorry if i sound bitter. It's because I am. Grin

OP posts:
diddl · 19/07/2011 10:41

Well tbh is does sound as if she needs help, doesn´t it.

In all honesty the thought of a 22yr old at a station in London shouldn´t have you panicking/collapsing.

I´m an anxious panicky person, but I could if nothing else have said "oh blimey, I can´t think-phone your dad fo help/advice"

Thinking on, why does your brother phone your mum if she´s not likely to be of any use?

You don´t sound bitter btw, just fed up & trying to find a way out of something that shouldn´t really be involving you.

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 19/07/2011 10:44

This is what I said when I rang him yesterday; "She cannot help you, financially or otherwise. Stop ringing her whenever you're in a mess." He said "Ok, I'll stop 'phoning her." So I'll probably get the blame when he fails to ring her for 6 weeks straight... Ho hum.

I was trying, seriously, to put myself in her situation last night, imagining what I would do if DS rang me in the future with the same problem. I honestly think my answer would be "Ha ha ha ha ha! Come on mate, you'll figure it out."

OP posts:
WhollyGhost · 19/07/2011 10:51

Your problem is your Mum, not your brother. Her anxiety sounds quite extreme - has she tried taking anti depressants for it? Does she do anything like yoga that might help her manage it?

And yes, your brother is an arsehole, but there's not much you can do about that.

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 19/07/2011 10:54

I think that her counsellor mentioned anti-depressants to her yesterday. She definitely needs them. I take them and my anxiety is much less than hers (in terms of how it manifests itself anyway) Don't know why she hasn't been put on them before tbh.

OP posts:
JanMorrow · 19/07/2011 10:54

Remind your mum it costs less than a tenner to get from London to Brighton on the National Express coach! What a dick (him, not your mum).

Original poster
CupcakesandTwunting · 19/07/2011 11:01

I told her this.

Two years ago, I (very stupidly) got on the wrong train. I got on a train at Crewe, thinking it went to Birmingham. I had been sat on there for ages, thinking hmmm, this train takes some time! Then when it was announced that the next stop was Milton Keynes, I worked out why. It was 11pm at night. I got ditched at London Euston at almost midnight. Still managed to find my own way home, a hundred miles away, without sending everyone into a state of panic. Fuck's sake...

OP posts: