... Avoiding my parents after my SD said hurtful things to me?

[Shell85]

I haven't spoken to my parents in two weeks, I know it is childish to ignore their text messages and not see them because of one hurtful thing said, but let me explain the situation.

I have a younger sister who I do not get on with, it is not at all an exaggeration to say that I hate her. I havent spoken to her in over four years. She still lives with my parents, so it makes going round there uncomfortable.
I don't let DS go to their house without me being there because of the way she acts, and I don't want DS to have any contact with her, I never have, with good reason, but my parents do not respect this, in fact they took no notice, so I stopped letting him stay over there, and stopped allowing him to visit without me being present.

I know it upsets my mum, but I hate my sister for good reason, she is the one that makes a fuss about it, I never say a thing, I never even acknowledge her or anything she does, it is her that causes all the trouble.
But of course I am the grown up, it is all my fault, I am being unreasonable, she is just a kid acting out, she will grow out of it, but I am making it difficult for everyone.... Blah blah blah...
She is 20 btw.
But no matter what she does they always take her side over mine or my other sisters, even when she is the one in the wrong.

Two weeks ago we all went out for a nice dinner together, my parents, me, my DH and DS, after the meal DS wanted to go back to my parents house to pick up a toy he had left there it was getting late so I didn't really want to go but he really wanted his toy so we went, 10 minutes after arriving my sister staggered in absolutely out of it, shouting at swearing, I waited a few minutes and then told DS to put his coat on and that it was nearly 7pm (bed time) so we had to go home.
Everything was fine then a couple of hours later my stepdad sent me a text message saying

"do you have any idea how much it hurts your mum to have someone hate her child, the way you behave is compleatly out of order. Do you know how damaging it is to have that much hatred inside you. You really need to get over yourself. Do you know how much you hurt your mum and your son do you know how much you are damaging him with the way you behave. You need to grow up and stop being so childish and selfish. I love you but you have no idea how much you are hurting your son or your mum."

I texted back explaining that I know it hurts mum but there is nothing that I can do about it, and as for damaging my son, he doesn't know what he is talking about.

He sent another message that was pretty much the same so I said, if my behaviour is so damaging and hurtful then I will save everyone the hastle and heartache and just stay away from them all together.

He never replied.

I am really close the my parents, and so is my DS but if that is genuinely how they feel then I am doing them a favour.
If I don't go there then there will be no drama.

They have been testing me, as if everything is normal, but I haven't replied.

Then I found out from my other sister that my SD said that if I wanted to act like a child and ignore them then that was fine, it is only proving his point.

The problem is that I stand by my belief that DS and I come as a package, they don't get DS if they don't want me, which I know is unfair on him.

But I am so sick of them always picking her over me when I have done nothing wrong.
I have been really sad and depressed about the whole thing, every time I talk about it I end up in tears. And I am sick of being made to feel this way.

Sorry for the insanely long post.

God, what an absolute work of hideousness she is! I'd have called the police in that situation - why did you not do that? She committed planned burglary, child neglect and god knows what else. What did your DM and SD say when the initial incident happened? Surely they can't have just brushed all that under the carpet?

Why are your Mum and SD standing by her, especially after putting your ds at risk? I can't fathom why they are so defensive of her dangerous behaviour.

Oh, and she needs to get off her arse and get a job. Just where does she get the money for all this drinking?

YANBU, and I completely disagree with the people saying you should phone and apologise. Apologise for what exactly? Protecting your son? I think your SD has hugely over-stepped the marked and you were extremely restrained to reply as you did. Does your mum know about the text he sent?

By ignoring your sister's inexcusable behaviour they are not helping her in anyway. I think you are completely right to cut her out of your life. What she did when she was 16 was absolutely disgusting and it sounds as if in the last four years she hasn't grown up or changed at all. Maybe in years to come she will realise what a total fuck up she has been, maybe she won't. You don't need the drama.

What do you parents say about the way she behaved when she was 16, Surely they understand why your can't forgive her?

How do they take her side?

What did they say about what she did?

Did they defend/excuse or agree that it was disgusting?

Surely the best is just not to go to theirs?

Also, did you say/do anything when she turned up drunk to show your hatred or just ignore?

:o at your sister's behaviour, YADNBU to cut her out.

IMO YANBU to not apologise to your parents. They need to see you as at least equal to your sister in their love and attention. This is clearly not the case when they ignore her behaviour toward you and your DS but get upset when you ignore her.

They need to wake up and smell the shit festering in their house.

sorry, thats a t your sisters behaviour not :o

YADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDNBU

that is all.

When the incident happened she said her friend made he do it, and my parents just accepted that, they always accept any lame excuse she has, usually blaming someone else.

I wanted to call the police but my parents convinced us not to, I wish I had though, we lost hundreds of pounds worth of stuff from our house.

She gets job seekers, of which she doesn't give my parents a penny, and even makes them driver her to the job centre to sign on, if they can't take her she refuses to go.

YANBU. I have had no contact with my sister for over 6 years now. Although she is nowhere near as out of control as your sister sounds, the drama and general toxicity just became too much.

I know various relatives would like it if we reconciled, but my life has been easier and happier since I called it a day where she was concerned.

The big difference between our situations is that I have no reason to see her, whereas by seeing your parents it opens the door to your sister and all of the problems she drags behind her. I feel for you. I also sympathise because I know how gut-wrenching it can be when a parent doesn't stand up for you as their child. What your sister did was awful, and by not accepting that it must feel as though they think it is okay for you (and your family) to be treated that way.

Perhaps it would help to speak to someone neutral, a counsellor maybe. They could help you organize your feelings, and perhaps help you decide what you are and are not prepared to sacrifice where your family relationships are concerned, and what lines you are not prepared to cross.

Good luck OP

Oh good, I pay for her drink and drugs, me and every other taxpayer on here!

Seriously, she needs some tough love, or she'll never change.

ARGH

Just wrote massive message and it has disappeared!

Okay gist is:

Your sister reminds me hugely of my little brother (lying, stealing, nastiness, no remorse, parasitic behaviour) and I really struggled to be around him. Unlike your parents mine were harsher and made him move out but have helped him so much, giving him money, food, taking him out, cleaning his flat etc. I did not see him except at big family occasions and found it frustrating how my parents took so much crap from him and would still keep on helping.

Recently (he is now 21) he has gotten a job for the first time in years and when I see him I no longer feel angry and tense, he is funny and friendly. I know it may not last, but I think he can change and although he has been such a selfish inconsiderate nasty arse I do want to give him a chance.

Although, he never did anything as bad as your sister, that is hideous.

So I guess I am saying is however unlikely it seems your sister may change but....

I totally understand how you feel. Especially with your parents seeming so completely on her side (that what would really upset me). They should be giving her a massive kick on the ass (not cutting her out completely, but letting her know what is and is no acceptable).

I would suggest telling them how you feel and why, asking them how long they will put up with her before they will try and help her be a better human being. I would say that if she would make an effort to change I would be open to trying to rekindle the relationship. I would ask them to understand it is not all up to you.

But I am not you! And I don't think I can really judge, only you can, although to me it seems like she is horrible and I understand if you can't face trying any more.

I wish you luck.

squeakytoy
She must have some sort of emotional problem, or learning difficulties, because this is NOT normal behaviour. Has it ever been addressed by someone other than the police? Has she ever have any sort of psychiatric help?

That is a ridiculous and alarming assumption to make.

just because someone acts bad does not mean they have mental health issues.
No wonder the myths and stigma attached to mental health continue with THAT sort of propaganda statement.

"normal" people can just be horrible and nasty .

Just because someone has a psychiatric problem does not mean they are socially inadequate or socially unaware , nor does it give them an excuse to behave in a socially inexcusable way.

She is now 20 years old and must take responsibility for her actions as an adult.

your statement implies excuses and thats bollocks for such rampant and exaggerated teenage behaviour. There is no excuse.

I think that your mum/sd should respect your reasons tbh

It´s so unfortunate that you happened to cross paths.

What I don´t really get though is when you se your sister-is it obvious that you still hate her?

I can see how that would upset your mum.

fit2drop.. would you say her behaviour is that of a normal, balanced person? I certainly wouldnt.

What teenager turns to prostitution out of choice? Her behaviour is dreadful, vile.. no doubt about it.. but very few kids turn out this way if they come from normal loving families, unless there is an underlying reason.

People with mental health issues, particularly kids who have been abused in their early years do often have social problems in later life, particularly if the root cause of their bad behaviour has never been established or addressed.

There is clearly something wrong inside the head of a 20year old who is behaving this way... mad or bad? who knows.. but it is not the behaviour of a normal average teen.

As another person has said, your mother and step father are carrying her and allowing her not to hit rock bottom. If her drug dependency is as great as you suggest then she needs to hit rock bottom. The risk though is that she won't be able to get back up again. This risk is too great for them and they would rather carry her with the misconception that their forgiveness and love will mean she will 'pull herself together'. They are wrong.

By you dropping her, you are also saying to your mother and step father that they are taking the wrong action in carrying her and they should infact drop her too.

Perhaps this is something they know deep down but do not wish to confront. Their comments to you are as much a reflection of that as they are their pain that their daughters don't talk.

YA def NBU!

But it does sound as though there is an underlying issue that your parents must face - not you! Your sister sounds very unbalanced or perhaps drug addicted. Like most parents faced with such a trauma of seeing the child they reared go so badly off the rails - they are unable to see the bigger picture. Without a doubt (like Squeaky toy suggests) she is in need of some professional help - not to absolve her of blame but to find out why. The line between 'bad behaviour' and mental health problems is very fine one. My brother was a total shit growing up and then in his early twenties was diagnosed with schizophrenia - i melted and felt such sorrow for him. He was totally manipulated by friends who took advantage of him. Which came first the bad behaviour or the illness - who knows? Is it the chicken or the egg?

20 years down the line - I adore him and feel so sorry that life handed him these cards.

You absolutely do not need to enter their world of problems - you have your own family to look out for but I think you must be honest and explain to them what you feel is happening - how you feel - and what the terms of your relationship will be. Whatever is happening - its certainly not healthy.

Its not your fault she's like this. Your sister will be the same whether you are in contact with her or not.

squeaky define normal

I am not saying whether she is mad or bad, but neither did you in your original post. you assumed mental disorder or learning disability.
However I see in your response to me you say mad or bad? and I agree with that.

It was just what appeared to me to be your assumption that bad behaviour can only come from people with MH issues or a LD. which is a stigma and Myth I am and have been fervantly fighting to reduce in the hope of acquiring more social inclusion for people with poor or enduring MH issues and/or dual need with LD.
So I got on my soap box a little sorry

However apart from the prostitution and leaving the baby everything else is teen behaviour . Exagerated a bit , and a lot of it extreme, but lots of teens , wreck houses with partys, steal and take drugs, and although not acceptable to older people is actually quite "normal" albeit wrong behaviour.
The excessive stealing , TWOC ing assault etc are obviously wayward but speak of a child that didnt have boundaries....so yes normal behaviour for a child allowed to run amok, however even if she was given boundaries and stuck 2 fingers up to the world that is not necessarily MH issue.
Its behavioural, and there is a massive difference between the two.

Normal/average/ordinary.... take your pick.. it is not the behaviour of an everyday teen, even ones that go a bit off the rails usually hide a lot of it from their parents...

I certainly dont assume that bad behaviour ONLY comes from those with MH issues.. but somewhere in this girls life, she has been led astray and to do what she has done to her family members in such premeditated ways, as well as the drugs, excessive alcohol, and prostitution (funding for drugs most likely and caught up in the spiral of that). The drugs themselves, and her lifestyle will be affecting her mental health as well as her physical health.

These are not excuses for her behaviour, it is wrong, and I can understand the OP for not wanting anything to do with her, or having her in her sons life.

But something must have triggered it all... perhaps she was always a bit attention seeking, and she got in with the wrong crowd. I dunno obviously, but it must be very hard on all the rest of the family. I have seen two very very similar situations in (two separate) families that I have been very close to. It was awful for all of them. :(

Thank you so much everyone for all of your support, I always feel so unsure as to what is the right thing to do, especially with my parents always choosing her over me, DH is supportive, but that's kind of his job, so I always worry that he is just telling me what I want to hear, or agreeing with me because that's what I want. So it is really lovely to hear from compleat strangers that what she does is unacceptable and I am right not to want her in mine or DS's life.

I just read back the entire thread, hoping that I didn't sound to harsh or over the top, but the sad part is that I haven't.
I do hope that she can get help but I don't know if there is anyway I could ever forgive her for the things she has done, she has done many other terrible things that I didn't even want to mention.

I don't think she has a drink or drugs problem, I think she is just enjoys getting drunk and high. She doesn't seem to steal to fund a habbit, she steals to buy fancy stuff she doesn't need.
Her problem is that she has no conscience, she doesn't seem to care who she hurts as long as she gets what she wants.

She was never abused or neglected, she had a lovely childhood and great parents. She was not bullied or anything, she is just manipulative and unkind.

Is the crux of all of this shell85 is that your parents always choose her over me.
She sounds like a nasty piece of work and yadnbu in not allowing contact with your son.

Exactly OP , manipulative and unkind. Unfortunately some people are just that. No reason, no excuse and no desire to change.

I feel for you , I really do ,but do think your relationship with your parents is worth continuing , just change venues and mark out boundaries. Your SD is probably tired and sad to see your mum so distressed by this feud, he knows that your sister is not going to change , he also probably needed to vent his hurt and outrage at the whole scenario on someone, unfortunately he chose you. Not right , but for him probably the safest (easiest) bet.

Squeaky Please don't think I am being argumentative with you , I am not, and trust me I know exactly what you are saying.But I too have experience with this. All my children have had the same upbringing, the same values instilled, the same boundaries, all of them have turned out well balanced and stable, delightful adults..... except one, who since being 14 has brought nothing but grief to my door, he has raged, stolen, assaulted people, been in trouble with police, taken various drugs and binge drunk. He has been estranged from all his family( barring me) I have been at my wits end with him but will never turn my back on him . However as an adult he must now take responsibility for his actions, I know that there was nothing I did or didnt do that made him the way he is. He constantly blamed everyone for his troubles,, if you had not done this or that then I wouldnt have done this or that...it was all bollocks.He was just a twat, but he was my twat and I loved him.When I stopped enabling him to be a twat by NOT believing and allowing his excuses he stopped being such a twat.

The effect a child/teen/adult like this can have on a family is devastating, there needs to be a massive power shift. It needs a brave heart and a united front from everyone else within the family but the change can happen when behaviour stops being accepted and rewarded with acceptance and is treated with the disdain and refusal to accept that it deserves

YANBU OP. Your sister's behaviour leaves a lot to be desired TBH, and I don't blame you for hating her. I also agree with the poster who said that your sister acts the way she does because your mum and SD are enabling her.

I'm sure you feel ostracised for being a half-decent daughter while your sister gets so much more than you for being horrible. I also bet your sister knows rightly that she could behave in a reasonable manner, but CHOOSES not to. 20 years old may still be a bit immature, but it's still old enough to know that you don't go out and leave a very small child in the house by itself to go to a shop and that you definitely don't go against the wishes of the parents of the child you're looking after unless said child is in immediate, serious danger.

Must go to bed now OP, but I do hope you get this sorted. I hope you can give your mum and SD a non-negotiatable and reasonable way. I'll also be back tomorrow to see how the situation has developed.

Take Care.

One last thing OP. Would it be an idea for you to print out this thread, the replies and show it to your mum and SD. It may make them realise they need to accept that your sister's behaviour for her age is out of order and that you should be treated with a lot more respect by them.

Try putting some emotional distance between you and your family for a while and see if you feel better. Maybe set a time limit - if you do feel better then you have your answer you need to back away so you stop being wound up and hurt and to keep your DS away from it all. If you do step away your DS may well benefit from a happier mother less wound up and angry and away from all the drama.

If not - then you can get in touch and build bridges possibly starting with your mother and find ways of avoiding/dealing with your sister.

TBH from what you've written here - walking away sounds more in your interests. Perhaps your other sister ignores the bad behaviour rather than confronting because she is keeping her emotional distance but maintaining a relationship at some level with your mother and SD? Or maybe not - perhaps try talking to her about things see how she copes.