... Avoiding my parents after my SD said hurtful things to me?

[Shell85]

I haven't spoken to my parents in two weeks, I know it is childish to ignore their text messages and not see them because of one hurtful thing said, but let me explain the situation.

I have a younger sister who I do not get on with, it is not at all an exaggeration to say that I hate her. I havent spoken to her in over four years. She still lives with my parents, so it makes going round there uncomfortable.
I don't let DS go to their house without me being there because of the way she acts, and I don't want DS to have any contact with her, I never have, with good reason, but my parents do not respect this, in fact they took no notice, so I stopped letting him stay over there, and stopped allowing him to visit without me being present.

I know it upsets my mum, but I hate my sister for good reason, she is the one that makes a fuss about it, I never say a thing, I never even acknowledge her or anything she does, it is her that causes all the trouble.
But of course I am the grown up, it is all my fault, I am being unreasonable, she is just a kid acting out, she will grow out of it, but I am making it difficult for everyone.... Blah blah blah...
She is 20 btw.
But no matter what she does they always take her side over mine or my other sisters, even when she is the one in the wrong.

Two weeks ago we all went out for a nice dinner together, my parents, me, my DH and DS, after the meal DS wanted to go back to my parents house to pick up a toy he had left there it was getting late so I didn't really want to go but he really wanted his toy so we went, 10 minutes after arriving my sister staggered in absolutely out of it, shouting at swearing, I waited a few minutes and then told DS to put his coat on and that it was nearly 7pm (bed time) so we had to go home.
Everything was fine then a couple of hours later my stepdad sent me a text message saying

"do you have any idea how much it hurts your mum to have someone hate her child, the way you behave is compleatly out of order. Do you know how damaging it is to have that much hatred inside you. You really need to get over yourself. Do you know how much you hurt your mum and your son do you know how much you are damaging him with the way you behave. You need to grow up and stop being so childish and selfish. I love you but you have no idea how much you are hurting your son or your mum."

I texted back explaining that I know it hurts mum but there is nothing that I can do about it, and as for damaging my son, he doesn't know what he is talking about.

He sent another message that was pretty much the same so I said, if my behaviour is so damaging and hurtful then I will save everyone the hastle and heartache and just stay away from them all together.

He never replied.

I am really close the my parents, and so is my DS but if that is genuinely how they feel then I am doing them a favour.
If I don't go there then there will be no drama.

They have been testing me, as if everything is normal, but I haven't replied.

Then I found out from my other sister that my SD said that if I wanted to act like a child and ignore them then that was fine, it is only proving his point.

The problem is that I stand by my belief that DS and I come as a package, they don't get DS if they don't want me, which I know is unfair on him.

But I am so sick of them always picking her over me when I have done nothing wrong.
I have been really sad and depressed about the whole thing, every time I talk about it I end up in tears. And I am sick of being made to feel this way.

Sorry for the insanely long post.

Imagine that you had two or three children and one of them decided that they "hated" the other and were never going to speak to them again. You'd be heartbroken.

Now imagine that you are married to someone in this position. Perhaps you see them break down in tears every time they have to deal with the rift between their children; perhaps you repeatedly listen to them questioning where they went wrong. This has been going on for four years.

This is the position your stepfather in, and he remonstrated with you (while reassuring you that they love you) about how hurt your mother, the woman he loves, is. He shouldn't have sent the text but you are the one who has decided that it means that they don't want you and that you are going to ignore them completely. And, yes, cutting off your family completely under these circumstances is childish and does seem to prove your stepfather's point.

Let me get this right -- you hurt your mother (intentionally or not) repeatedly over a period of years and his sending you a text to tell you so is unreasonable, but he sends you one "hurtful" text and your resolving not to have anything to do with any of them again is perfectly reasonable?

And I agree with papermate that I do not understand WHY people try to have these kinds of discussions by text in the first place.

Sounds to me like your SD has a huge point

It seems as if you are punishing your mum for your SD just trying to look out for her.

It´s one thing not to get on, but to hate your sister & to show it to her & others is quite another matter and of course it would upset your mum.

Does your mum/other sister know why you hate your younger(?) sister?

And depending on the reason, they might think that it is resolvable or that YAU.

I think it´s hard to ask them to take sides tbh.

Your SD has obviously felt a bit caught in the middle for a long time - the incident the other night was the straw that broke the camels back.

I think it's really sad that you haven't spoken to your sis since she was 15/16 - is there no way you can try and be civil with her? My younger sis was a NIGHTMARE at that age, but I always loved her to bits and she is so mature and sensible now (she's 21).

I feel so sorry for your mum - the idea that my LOs would ever be on such bad terms horrifies me.

Maybe your Mum has no idea about the text your SD sent, maybe she would be p*ssed off at him for interferring? He overstepped.
What every has happened between you and your sister? Your son is seeing your relationship with her first hand, your intolerance and anger, this is teaching by example, what messages are you sending him about siblings, should he ever have occasion to have one himself?

I can't imagine that there is anything my sister could have done, when she was 15 or younger that would make me hate her, and want to have no further contact.

I think you need counselling, because either - what she did was unimaginably awful, and you need to deal with that, or you are being unreasonable and should resolve your own issues.

but your step dad should not have sent that text, and it is not unreasonable for you not to see them since you don't want to

This is one of the reasons why I hate texting - it means that people can say things that perhaps they would temper with a bit of common sense if they were talking to the person directly.

Without knowing the back story, I really don't know if you are being unreasonable or not from staying away from your sister or keeping up a 4 year long feud, which probably is really upsetting your mum.

However YANBU for being upset that your SD said those things over a text and also that it wasn't your mum who got in touch. YAalsoNBU to remove your DS if your sister came home drunk and shouting.

TBH it sounds like there is a whole lot of hurt in you over how you are treated compared to your sister and how this situation has gone on, so this is just the tip of the iceberg.

My advice is to let things calm down and then talk directly to your mum about it. Not over the phone or by text, but somewhere neutral. Good luck.

But diddl, I see OP trying very hard to not ask them to take sides by maintaining contact although sister lives in same house, keeping in touch but trying to avoid sister and not discuss the issue.

All the stuff about 'how would you feel if it were your children...' - the thing is, when your children grow up they get to make their own decisions about their lives and relationships. Some of which you may not like or approve of, but to try and guilt trip or bully your children into seeing things YOUR WAY is just not acceptable. We don't know why OP fell out with her sister, but the fact remains that it's her right to do so. Her parents should respect that, or if they can't, then they need to tell OP not to come around any more, if they can't take the upset it causes them. Not to continue to stir the issue like this.

I agree, I would like my children to get on when they are older but it will be thier relationship to manage.

The fact the sister is in their house will of course infantilise her a bit in the eyes of mum and SD, but frankly, if my dad called me to tell me how I was upsetting my mum I wouldn't take it too well. Passive-aggressive on her part. or manipulative on his

their relationship

Depends on what DS did to cause you to hate her.

Parents tend to gravitate to the child still living at home. Your mum sees you settled down with a family and happy where as your sister still needs her to look after her (I have a 26 year old brother who lives at home and my mum clucks endlessly round him) That could be a big part as to why she is always taking your sisters side.

Your SD had a very valid point in that no matter what you sister has done she is still your mothers daughter and it is hard to think of anyone hating your child. Add the fact that the one who hates her is her other child and I think you will have a seriously unhappy mum. I think unless your DS did something abominably disgusting that the love for your mother should be put ahead of the hate for your sister.

It sounds like you are making it difficult for everyone TBH...

To be fair, it sounds like the step-dad has tried to stay out of it for 4 years.

It must be hard to watch people you love being upset for such a long period of time.

Another one here wondering wtf your sister did that was so bad.

I suppose I can´t see the issue with her sister coming home drunk & swearing-other than getting her son out ASAP.

So I´m wondering how she acted to make her mum upset & SD send the text.
(If that happened, of course)

SD is your mothers husband. He may not be a blood relative to you (is he your sisters father?).. but he IS a part of the family and has a right to his say.

He is seeing his wife torn apart by a family feud. Of course he is going to try and sort it out if he is any sort of man. I dont think his text was hurtful at all. He was telling it as it is from his and your mothers point of view.

It is very difficult to say wether or not you are being unreasonable, but if your sister was only 16 when this fall out happened, then I do think no matter what it was, you have to make allowance for her age, as you yourself will find out when your own child reaches 16.. its an awful age to be, and to live with.

Op, it sounds like your sd is trying to hold it all together, not even his family? Sounds like a diamond to me. I feel for your mum, maybe you could give a little. You will be making your ds curious, at the very least.

Your sister came in drunk at 7pm? Does she have alcohol issues? Is that why you fell out initially? Tbh I can't understand why your mum and SD put up with that from her, let alone with her coming in pissed and ripping into you in front of their grandchild. She certainly sounds like the mollycoddled favourite.

I wouldn't put up with a drunkard ranting at me in front of my DS either, so you did the right thing by leaving. Question is, what are you going to now, long term?

You were right to remove your son when your sister was drunk and swearing. What else did he expect you to do! Let your son sit there learning a whole new volcabulary?

What did your sister do to make you hate her so much? Is it the drinking?

I think you should speak to your mum about it direct. She may have no idea that your SD sent the message so don't cut her out without knowing for sure. Talk face to face.

I know it must be difficult for you to let your son stay at your mums when she doesn't respect your wishes regarding your sister and her contact with your boy. I was nearly in a similar situation. I have a brother who is violent and unpredictable and swears all the time. My mum and dad never did anything about the way he was and didn't protect me from him. When I was expecting my own child I did wonder how this was going to work (he lived at home) with my mum babysitting which she was keen to do. I wouldn't have wanted him around my baby as you never know when he's going to lash out! I hadn't really come up with a plan of what to do about it but fate took things out of my hands. My lovely mum died (dad's not capable of babysitting) and my brother moved out and disowned his family. Both of these things on their own meant that my brother wouldn't have been alone with my child but now there is no chance.

Is your sister your Step Dad's daughter or is she his step daughter too?

I don't speak to SIL and we manage fine with the inlaws. I never went to her sons parties though she turned up at my children's parties and slagged off all my friends. It can easily be done that you avoid each other, but her shouting and swearing at you was out of order but it obviously got too much for your mum.

Could you and your mum go out and have coffee and talk about this?

WTF did a 16 year old do that was so bad you no longer speak?

You've sent your sister to coventry for four years? Now that's dedication!

Wot'd she do?

It was not a one off, that is a daily thing with her.

back story of why I hate my sister

When my DS was three months old she begged me to allow her to baby sit him, I knew it was a bad idea but DH convinced me it might be good to give her some responsibility (she was thrown out of school and alwYs in trouble fro stealing and drinking)
So against my better judgement I agreed to let her babysit for two hours one evening in our house, on the agreement that she have no friends over, and be completely sober and well behaved all of that week, she did so we let her babysit. Less than an hour after leaving her I was making my third call to check up on things but there was no answer I called her mobile, no answer concerned we decided to head home, when we got home we found our house in a state, it stank of cigarets there where empty bottles on the floor and beer cans on every surface, things where broken and missing and all of our cupboards and drawers had been rifled through.
Our three month old son was asleep on a blanket on the wooden floor, is face was bright red and blotchy from crying and he was all alone in the house.

I went mad but she couldn't be found anywhere.
Two days later she resurfaced and her excuse was that she didn't invite people round the just turned up, and she didn't leave him alone, she was in the tesco car park (at the end of the road, a good 1000ft away) and she had the baby monitor.

She showed absolutely no remorse, and still doesn't to this day.

I later found out from a friend of hers that she had it w
all planned, that as soon as we left her mates where to come round for a party.
Everyone one was so excited by the baby that they forced him to stay away so that they could play with him, to the point where he was extremely distressed and exhausted and they where shaking him to wake him up.
Then when they where bored and out of alcohol they all went to the carpark to go and get high, after stealing from us to buy the drugs.

And that was just one thing she did,
She forged my signature to steal £500 from DS's savings account,
She has stole thousands from my parents,
She she has a criminal record for shoplifting, stealing a car and assault.
She brags about sleeping around,
She got pregnant, but refused to stop smoking drinking or taking drugs and miscarried, then at the scan to confirm the MC she asked for the scan pictures and posted them on Facebook.
She signed up to catalogs, credit cards and phone contracts in other peoples names, runs up huge bills then leaves them for my parents to sort out.
She was arrested for prostitution after being caught offering someone sex for drugs.
And she lies compulsively.

The list goes on.

She is a total sociopath, she cares about no one but herself, and what they can do for her.

Well I think that would justify crossing her off most peoples Christmas card list

Fucking hell! The leaving your baby alone, by itself, is enough to cut her out forever in my opinion!