... Avoiding my parents after my SD said hurtful things to me?

[Shell85]

I haven't spoken to my parents in two weeks, I know it is childish to ignore their text messages and not see them because of one hurtful thing said, but let me explain the situation.

I have a younger sister who I do not get on with, it is not at all an exaggeration to say that I hate her. I havent spoken to her in over four years. She still lives with my parents, so it makes going round there uncomfortable.
I don't let DS go to their house without me being there because of the way she acts, and I don't want DS to have any contact with her, I never have, with good reason, but my parents do not respect this, in fact they took no notice, so I stopped letting him stay over there, and stopped allowing him to visit without me being present.

I know it upsets my mum, but I hate my sister for good reason, she is the one that makes a fuss about it, I never say a thing, I never even acknowledge her or anything she does, it is her that causes all the trouble.
But of course I am the grown up, it is all my fault, I am being unreasonable, she is just a kid acting out, she will grow out of it, but I am making it difficult for everyone.... Blah blah blah...
She is 20 btw.
But no matter what she does they always take her side over mine or my other sisters, even when she is the one in the wrong.

Two weeks ago we all went out for a nice dinner together, my parents, me, my DH and DS, after the meal DS wanted to go back to my parents house to pick up a toy he had left there it was getting late so I didn't really want to go but he really wanted his toy so we went, 10 minutes after arriving my sister staggered in absolutely out of it, shouting at swearing, I waited a few minutes and then told DS to put his coat on and that it was nearly 7pm (bed time) so we had to go home.
Everything was fine then a couple of hours later my stepdad sent me a text message saying

"do you have any idea how much it hurts your mum to have someone hate her child, the way you behave is compleatly out of order. Do you know how damaging it is to have that much hatred inside you. You really need to get over yourself. Do you know how much you hurt your mum and your son do you know how much you are damaging him with the way you behave. You need to grow up and stop being so childish and selfish. I love you but you have no idea how much you are hurting your son or your mum."

I texted back explaining that I know it hurts mum but there is nothing that I can do about it, and as for damaging my son, he doesn't know what he is talking about.

He sent another message that was pretty much the same so I said, if my behaviour is so damaging and hurtful then I will save everyone the hastle and heartache and just stay away from them all together.

He never replied.

I am really close the my parents, and so is my DS but if that is genuinely how they feel then I am doing them a favour.
If I don't go there then there will be no drama.

They have been testing me, as if everything is normal, but I haven't replied.

Then I found out from my other sister that my SD said that if I wanted to act like a child and ignore them then that was fine, it is only proving his point.

The problem is that I stand by my belief that DS and I come as a package, they don't get DS if they don't want me, which I know is unfair on him.

But I am so sick of them always picking her over me when I have done nothing wrong.
I have been really sad and depressed about the whole thing, every time I talk about it I end up in tears. And I am sick of being made to feel this way.

Sorry for the insanely long post.

I don't think that anyone would argue that you did the right thing removing your son from a situation where his auntie was drunk and swearing - obviously the best thing to do.

However, I do maintain that the whole situation must be awful for your mum and SD.

It sounds like your sister was a very messed up child, and I feel sorry for any 16 year old who gets themselves into the sorts of situations you describe.

I feel even more desperately sorry for your mother who has to cope with both her youngest child's behaviour and your reactions to her.

And I think your step dad was trying to help. I certainly think you are being unreasonable for writing off your entire family on the basis of a text message asking you to have some empathy for the horrible situation your mother is in.

Hmmmm, in that case, you may have a point. :(

That is an awful lot of shit for a teenager to be in though. She does sound in need of a lot of guidance and help from somewhere (and I am not suggesting you do it.. ).

I cant blame you for not wanting anything to do with her, certainly after what she did to your child... but she definately needs help, or she is going to end up locked up or dead.

I do feel very sorry for your parents.. it must be very very hard on them :(

I'd not speak to her either after reading that and that is a million times worse than what dh's SIL did.

Her behaviour was/is undoubtedly dreadful and inexcusable. However, TBH, she sounds like she needs some professional help. Are your parents just ignoring all of her problems thinking she will grow out of it? If so, maybe you need to be the one pointing out to them that help is needed, especially if you are/want to be a close family.

Hopefully, you will come to have some sort of manageable relationship (I'm not saying best mates but the ability to pass time together) once your sister has received the help she needs. Good luck.

It sounds as though your parents are still trying to fix her, rather than having reached the point where they have to accept that they can't. I's not an uncommon position for parents of addicts to be in for several years and is difficult to break out from as the only way out seems to be to cut them off and let them hit rock-bottom, and many of them never come back from there. Accepting that you can do nothing for your child is a big step for any parent to take.

Your parents must be under a huge amount of stress -- emotional and financial, if they are constantly clearing up your sister's messes. Is one (well, two once it's been repeated) late-night text really worth cutting them off over?

You really do need to talk to your mother about this face-to-face. It is not a good subject for texts. Apart from anything else, what aspect of your "behaviour" are they concerned about? Are they (incredibly) expecting you or your DS to have a normal relationship with your sister (they need to understand that that just isn't an option at any point in the foreseeable future) or is there some particular behaviour that your stepfather is getting at?

hmmm, of course you felt angry and upset

However, not physically talking to her is not the answer. And as you are learning is merely causing more rifts in the family. You be civil, you be polite, but you don't engage on an emotional level beyond that. And if she comes in drunk and swearing in front of your DS, yes you are right to leave on those grounds.

But for your mother's sake your SD has got a point. You obviously love her, and him, and your other sister so those are relationships you need to nurture and work on for your and DS' sake, within the context of the fact they have your sister living with them.

You need to go out with your mum, just her and you (and maybe DS) and talk. Explain why you are hurt, explain what you're not prepared to tolerate around your son. Apologise for the hurt you've caused by how you've handled things and that you don't want her hurting and how can you work together to make things better moving forward. That's what two adults should do.

Then you need to accept that your SD likely sent those texts out of desperation at seeing someone he loves hurting so much, and be grateful your mum has him by her side when clearly they have to deal with a lot of crap from your sister.

It's not an easy or a nice situation but there is a better way to handle it for all involved - including yourself and DS.

Shell85

could you not invite mum and SD to yours for visits and tea etc, Keeping contact with them can only be productive for you and your son as you stated you do have a good relationship with them.
It appears to me that a proper need for a proper conversation with them regarding your sister is essential. where both sides (you and your mum) can say how you feel.

You have every right to estrange yourself from such a toxic sister. Your mum however does not necessarily have such an easy option. This girl is her daughter and as a mum its hard to estrange yourself, a need to repair and make things better is the usual instinctive approach(not saying its right, just thats what usually happens.

Once you have the chat, you need to to define boundaries , one being that any talk of your sister is left at the door, When mum and SD visit , its about you and them and developing and continuing the relationship between them and your son.

I can see that what your sister did was to you , unforgivable and at 16 she knew right from wrong,Your parents, by making excuses for her are enabling her to continue, But do not let her destroy the relationship you have with your parents, just redefine the boundaries and relocate meeting places without her being involved.
You can keep the two separate.

Allow me to retract the possibly from my earlier statement to

YADNBU

Your parents gave chosen the route they want to take with their family, now you choose yours.

i wouldn't hurt your parents any longer by not talking, i would ring and say sorry, but you've been angry about the whole situation, and the state of your sister when you popped back.

Get back on terms with them for you/your son. How they choose to deal or not deal with your sister is for them to sort out, not your problem.

In less than an hour, how did she manage to go through enough alcohol and cigarettes to have empty bottles and cans everywhere? All your things gone through, played with your son for so long that he was exhausted and then left for the supermarket. It just doesn't seem possible in less than an hour, especially when you'd already checked up on them twice.

However, if this is the case then I can see why you don't want your son alone with her and surely your parents can too. The question is, do your trust your mum and stepdad enough to look after him when she is present? They would hopefully protect him from her. If you don't then it will be difficult but still possible to maintain the relationship between your son and his grandparents.

What she did is unforgiveable.

Maybe your mum/sd feel that by now you should be able to be civil/be in the same room as her/not show your hatred.

So you got bollocked for rapidly removing your young an impressionable son from the company of a pissed woman (good enough reason already imho) with a backstory which makes Eastenders characters look pleasant and normal?

Do you honestly think that these people deserve your company, or that of your son?

Your SD has way overstepped the mark. TBH the whole lot of them would be history if I were you.

She is his step daughter too, my full sister. Unfortunatly.

I know it's all my SD, my mum never says anything.

I am not stoping contact with them permanently, I am just so sick of them always taking her side, no matter what happens or what she does I am always the one being unreasonable and she ends up being the innocent victim.

I think yanbu but...

You don't want to hurt your mother do you?

Why not have her round and explain that you are so angry with your sister, that she can't be around your ds, I would not want somebody who had begged to look after a child and then at best neglected him near him ever again, or maybe since she has substance issues until she is clean and in a clean group of people.

Tell your mum that you are so upset by her behaviour and the effect it will have on your mum that you will back her up in trying to help her, that would be the best thing, to have your sister better, but in the meantime you are your sons mother first and sister and daughter second, you cannot let your son be hurt by her again.

Tell your sister the same, and your step dad. Your parents will understand that you will not expose your son to neglect.

Don't just say that you hate her, you might like her one day.

Explain to them face to face, there may come a time when she pushes them over the limits of parental endurance and then she will have nobody.

YANBU but a drug user within the family is when you need to pull together.

oh my lord. UANBU.

I'd cut off a sister like that too.

Def not in the wrong.

Could you send your parents a letter detailing what you said above? A letter takes the heat out a little and gives them time to think it over. I think what your sister has done is horrific by the way and it must be very upsetting for you to feel your parents aren't backing you up

I think you need to remember that your mum must be so upset by the situation. Does she cut her younger daughter out (it must be terribly hard to come to a decision that your child's character/actions are unredeemable - the overriding feeling must be to try and rescue her) or risk your anger and not seeing her DGS. I think, rightly or wrongly, she may be thinking of you as being sorted IYSWIM, and therefore is not deliberately putting your DSis first but helping the child that seems more lost and in need of help (not necessarily fair or right i know).

Your SD will have your mother as his absolute priority. He will be the sounding board for all her upset and trauma over this situation, and he is trying to stand up for her and make it right for her.

None of this excuses the terrible things your DSis has done, but I think you owe it to your mother to sit down with her and discuss this, and come up with a way you can co-exist with your DSis with the least amount of stress on the wider family.

Why are your dm and sd tolerant of your sister's behaviour? Did something happen to her that made her so damaged, or has she been over-indulged all of her life?

Do you have other sisters living at home or are they living with dhs/dps too and do they have dc? How do they view their younger sister's behaviour?

fishfingersandcustard
From what i gather she had large group of people at our house,
The state of the place was unbelievable, they had clearly planned the entire thing from the start.

The reason that my SD is angry with my 'behaviour' is because my other sister does what my parents do, she pretends that nothing happens, and ignores the problem. I don't.
That is what he doesn't like, he think that my refusal to ignore her behaviour is unacceptable.
He believes that I should just get over it and make friends with her, ignoring all the things she does.

I am someone that doesn't believe in BS, I hate two facedness and I am not going to pretend that I like her just because they refuse to accept what she is.
I am not nasty, I don't bitch about her, I never even mention her, I dont acknowledge her at all.

I know it upsets my mum, and I try to do as little as possible to make that any worse.

But I refuse to pretend that the things she does and the way she treats people are okay.

Omg, I thought my sister was bad, but she's an angel compared to yours.

If I were in your position, I would rise above it.

I don't believe in "not talking" to people, because it doesn't help, and people can change, but I would absolutely stand your ground.

She obviously never ever gets invited to your house, or left alone with your son. If she is at your parents' and is drunk, abusive etc, then you are completely right to leave immediately.

If she is at your parents' and behaves and is polite and civil, then I would be polite and civil back.

Most of all, I would be completely frank with your parents, but in a calm and unemotional way. How she behaves is her business, but you do not have to condone/agree to it. How she has behaved to you is unforgivable, and your parents must see that. It shouldn't mean that you HATE her, though, she's just completely breached your trust.

I'm waffling, but I'm trying to say that to hate someone is actually and exhausting and quite pointless emotion. Just rise above it, take control of the situation with your parents and relegate your sister to a minor position in your life. X

My other sister lives with her OH, no children.
She doesn't like her either, but she, like my parents try to ignore things.

She is the only one that still lives at home.

Nothing has ever happened to her, she has acted this way her entire life, even as a child she would steal, tell lies and use people.

After reading that you are absolutely NBU for cutting her out of your life utterly and completely.

Your mum and SD are not doing her any favours by covering for her and pretending its OK. I can understand why they are doing it, but I don't blame you one bit for wanting nothing to do with her.

Yeah, she needs help, but while her family is prepared to cover up, she'll never accept it.

Move on, move away. Live your own life. Tell you mum and step dad they are always welcome at your home, but you want no part of the denial.

she has acted this way her entire life, even as a child she would steal, tell lies and use people

She must have some sort of emotional problem, or learning difficulties, because this is NOT normal behaviour. Has it ever been addressed by someone other than the police? Has she ever have any sort of psychiatric help?

sittinginthesun

I know it is pointless, and I have tried not to hate her, I do believe that hate is a pointless emotion. But I can't help it.
I have tried to nothing her, but she has done too much, and she makes me too angry.

She never acts acceptably, she is always drunk or hungover and rude, and makes nasty comments about people.
She behaves like a teenager, sleeping until mid afternoon then slobing about and going out all night, she has no respect for anyone, and she doesn't care if she wakes my parents up at 4am.