Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Truth of Lie?

53 replies

Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 15:46

My ex has taken my son away for the weekend (long story covered on other threads), he is refusing to bring him back to get him to school tomorrow as agreed.

Do I tell the school he has refused to return him and have an unauthorised absence, chance of fine etc.

or

Call in and say he is sick?

I have no wish to protect my ex I am as angry as hell that he has pulled this ridiculous stunt. But what is the right thing to do?

OP posts:
Deesus · 17/07/2011 15:48

Will your ex not contact the school? Surely it should be him letting them know?

If not, I'd phone and tell them what's happened. Don't see the point in lying for someone else...

lenak · 17/07/2011 15:48

I'd tell the school the truth and make sure they are very clear in any written record that it is down to your ex and not you.

May help you if you ever have to go through court to change contact arrangements.

brownleatherbrogues · 17/07/2011 15:49

its up to ex to let the know, he has the child in his care

thisisyesterday · 17/07/2011 15:50

i would tell the school exactly what is going on.

they may be able to offer support, and also it makes it more official if you ever end up going through court etc?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 17/07/2011 15:53

I agree with brownleather. You don't tell them anything. You tell your ex that as he has your son, it is his responsibility to contact the school and let them know and that anything that happens - ie fine - you will direct them to him, as the parent who was in charge of the child at the time.

(re the fine and who pays it - I have no idea whether it matters a bit who had the child, but I'm thinking he probably wouldn't either and you could make him think twice.)

FabbyChic · 17/07/2011 15:54

In future I would suggest he does not have your son of a weekend if he cannot be relied upon to get him home in time for him to go to school.

Schooling takes priority over weekends away.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 15:54

Unfortunately I have been dumb and ex let me know Wednesday that he had booked tickets for even on Friday and he'd told son about it who was hugely excited. Rather than face a huge fuss I wrote a letter saying father took soon away, son had already told teacher. Prior to that I thought it was Saturday and Sunday.

Ex wont speak to me to tell me anything, but now he has pushed it too far and won't return the child to get back to school tomorrow.

AIBU in the fact I am fuming?

Ex won't tell the school btw, when we were married he never even gave him a bottle or nappy change and only turns up when he feels like company to go to sporting events or activities. He has done absolutely zero of the real parenting things.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 17/07/2011 15:54

Tell the school, they will make a record of it and that could prove very helpful in the future.

You won't get fined so don't worry about that.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 15:55

Sorry should have said ex let son know on Wednesday then to tell me. I am typing in a temper LOL

OP posts:
worraliberty · 17/07/2011 15:56

Oh cross posted sorry

The school might consider fining for an unauthorised holiday.

You two should really sort something out Sad

lovesicecream · 17/07/2011 15:57

Tell the school that your ex has refused to bring him back

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 15:57

Fabby you are so right. This is his last time he takes the child away anywhere at anytime. He has totally blown it. I had to stop alll contact for a good few years due to his unreasonable behaviour, he just can't help himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 15:59

Worra he won't talk to me. He has the attitude that he is his son so he can do as he pleases. He took me to court years ago and ended up with only indirect contact only with very good contact.

He is lucky I have been reasonable and slowly reintroduced contact, but he just has to abuse it.

OP posts:
nojustificationneeded · 17/07/2011 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 17/07/2011 16:00

I don't understand

you already told school that your ex took him even though he hadn't, but now he has?

can you rewind and tell us the timeline of events, some of us don't know your backstory

worraliberty · 17/07/2011 16:00

Really Mitmoo at a guess I'd say this could end up in court in the future and it would be invaluable to have this on record at the school.

Even if it doesn't end up in court, at least you won't be responsible for any fines as you were not your child's carer at the time.

You do need to cover your back on this and the School's attendance/welfare officers deal with this sort of problem a lot. They'll be able to advise you.

LineRunner · 17/07/2011 16:00

You already know what I think, which is to protect your own position.

You need to tell the school and the Local Authority know what's going on, and have them ackowledge that in writing/email. What your ex is doing is crap, and you don't want it happening again.

In my view, I also think you need to get legal advice.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 16:01

I'll do that in the morning nojust. My ex won't call that would involve acting like a real parent.

Sarcasm intended. Grin

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 17/07/2011 16:05

As said on the other thread, he is game playing, you know this.

Do not cover this up, it may not be the only time that this happens and he may cause you other problems in the future.

Considering your DS's 'problems' (wrong word) i would start to clamp down on being reasonable with him to the extent that you will lie to the L.A., for your ex.

He is doing his best to cause you as much anguish as possible.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 16:06

boys are He landed the Friday day off on me at the last minute via my son on Wednesday. I took the decision to either

a) cause a fuss stop the trip

or

b) tell the school he had gone on a trip.

I chose B because it was the truth but I didn't say it had been landed on me nor did I say it wasn't my choice I just went with it for a quiet life. More bloody fool me.

Yesterday son called to say they were stopping an extra night and he'd be home tomorrow evening.

I said he has to come home today because he has school but he said "Dad hates you, he won't talk to you and he wont bring me home" to paraphrase, which in itself if so unhealthy. I don't care if he hates me he doesn't tell that to a child FFS. I digress.

Ex has refused to bring him home today all I have managed is to get him to say he will get him home for 12 tomorrow as so that I can at least get him into school for half a day. Ex says ATM that he will do that but I can't believe a word he says so he'll either lose half or a full day or school tomorrow aswell.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 16:07

Birds You are completely spot on. For those who havent seen the other thread my son has AS and OCD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 16:08

Line thank you so much you talk a lot of sense I just need to know I am not doing it to be a bitch but because I have to.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 17/07/2011 16:09

Also, as said on the other thread, it is a shame that you didn't go back to the court to reastablish contact.

You are now in a position that you will have to act in a way that will hurt your DS if the short term, by setting bounderies and conditions on your ex.

He needs to be forced to communicate with you, because there is no reason not to, not because you are controlling (as was suggested on the other thread).

Birdsgottafly · 17/07/2011 16:11

Just to add he clearly doesn't have your DS's interests at heart because he would not want to cause his DM the stress that he is causing you, on top of everything else that you have had to deal with.

Do not let him put it any other way, he is a rat.

LineRunner · 17/07/2011 16:13

The more I think about this, the more I'm wondering what I'd do in your shoes.

Your ex was previously denied direct contact by the court.

Your ex resisted giving you a contact address for the weekend.

Your ex refuses to bring your son back for school.

You don't believe your ex.

Your son has some special needs.

WWID? I'd be seriously thinking about calling the police, actually. Too dramatic? Maybe. But I've found the police really helpful in my dark days.