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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Truth of Lie?

53 replies

Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 15:46

My ex has taken my son away for the weekend (long story covered on other threads), he is refusing to bring him back to get him to school tomorrow as agreed.

Do I tell the school he has refused to return him and have an unauthorised absence, chance of fine etc.

or

Call in and say he is sick?

I have no wish to protect my ex I am as angry as hell that he has pulled this ridiculous stunt. But what is the right thing to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 16:16

Birds I detest the family courts with a passion, although they came to the right decision in the end, ie. no direct contact, it took them well over two years to realise what the reality was. It was the same that I'd told them at the first meeting.

If I had gone back to court and my ex had asked for overnights, he would have got them, he has never asked me but he was solicitor led through all of the cases so would have had overnights he didn't want and couldn't cope with.

Ex also can't cope with structured contact so if he is forced to see the child he could and has been extremely nasty to him.

As I said on other thread he even left him on a golf course miles away because he couldn't cope with him, abandoned him and drove off. Luckly child called me and I was in and came to get him.

I did not want the courts controlling contact because they are not capable, hence I've been able to manage that.

Yet again, I will have to restrict contact because he abuses the freedoms he has been given, although right now he will be thinking he is a very clever ex.

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 17/07/2011 16:16

Make sure it's on the school's records that this is nothing to do with you but that it's your ex.

I'm so sorry that the situation is so difficult, and that your ex is telling your child that he hates you. Sad

I don't know what kind of help/advice to suggest but I think you need to seek some. Sorry not to be more helpful.

LineRunner · 17/07/2011 16:17

And I don't think you're controlling.

But I do think you need to be much, much clearer about boundaries and the fact that you won't put up with shit from your ex. And your DS needs to know this, too. It's not in your son's best interests to have a unhappy mum.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 16:19

Line The only reason I am not driving there now is because my son wants to stay and I'll be an overreacting extreme parent (picture painted by ex to son) son with special needs will not know who to believe get stressed and that's not good.

For the same reason I won't get the police involved as it would distress my son.

I am going to have to wait until 8-12 tomorrow and if I am not certain by hearing him on the phone that he is on the way home only then will I get the police. But if he is not on his way back I will call the police no problem.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 17/07/2011 16:19

Please add 'Your ex abandoned his own child' to my previous list.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 16:21

Lady My son and I have a terrifically close relationship. Dad is full of hate.

When I get my son home we will be fine, I know that, it's just Dad filling his head, he has ASD/OCD so he might take a few days but he will work it out.

Thank you for replying, it is confusing. I'm a mess right now in all honesty.

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worraliberty · 17/07/2011 16:21

You still need to phone the school and tell them

Otherwise your ex could tell the Police you agreed to everything and were fully aware and happy.

You can then say "If that were true, why would I phone the school?"

Just cover your back and get things on record Smile

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 16:22

Line I know, awful wasn't it. I would have thought a reasonable person would have been glad for the extra chances and not abuse them.

More fool me.

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TheOriginalFAB · 17/07/2011 16:23

Tell the truth as it will only come back to bite you if he returns the child to school tomorrow. And it should be your ex who gets the fine as he is the one keeping your child off without authorisation.

LineRunner · 17/07/2011 16:24

Mitmoo, you are blocking off all your routes out of this unhappy situation.

Your son is not in charge of this, you are. Make simple rules with him and stick to them. Tell him, I know you love your dad and want to spend time with him, but if dad does x or y, then z will happen. No arguments.

He won't hate you.

He needs safety and a happy mum.

I've been through some stuff too.

TheOriginalFAB · 17/07/2011 16:26

I would also tell the school the real events of Wednesday.

Birdsgottafly · 17/07/2011 16:27

You seem to have resigned yourself to what your ex demands and 'must have', you need to ignore that and work out if there is any way that your DS can have contact without the hassle. If not then you need to stop contact until all of these problems are solved, you know exactly what your ex is but are still allowing him to do what he decides ie no communication.

The court system does take time but as you have said, it made the right decision but you overturned that and made your own arrangements, which are not working.

The court would not be granting your ex unsupervised contact if it knew about him leaving your DS or this episode, so if you cover it up then you have chosen to do that and need to ask yourself why you have done that. Your ex doesn't sound like he is providing a relationship that is possitive to your DS.

Shell85 · 17/07/2011 16:28

Oh what a git your ex is.

I would tell the school everything, I am sure they will already have an idea about what he is like anyway.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/07/2011 16:35

I'm another who would tell the school everything - about it being landed on you at short notice, feeling that your son's AS/OCD backed you into a corner if you refused, his refusal to return your son.

Could you explain restricting your X's access to your DS by explaining to DS that his father's behaviour could get him (DS) into trouble with the school (which is true), rather than it having anything to do with you? Would that make it easier for your son to process?

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 16:49

Lines I am extremely grateful for all of your input truly and everyone elses. Some of the lines have been tried and I can honestly say so far as the court line I couldn't go through it again. I was forced to facilitate contact that my son didn't want albeit supervised and told if I didn't I would be jailed. Although in the end they gave him an indirect contact order it was truly the worst two years plus of my life.

Don't worry after this all contact comes through me. I was letting son and Dad arrange it and even taking him to save ex the hassle of driving, to keep Dad happy. If Dad is moody he takes it out on his son by being nasty to him.

Please don't worry, that has finished I shall be making rules and putting them in writing, if he wants to see him he gives me dates, time for collection and return days in advance and there is no question of any overnights or trips again.

He has totally screwed up this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 16:52

Thanks to all who have advised telling the school all, I know now i wont be acting because I am mad with Dad which I am but because it is the right thing to do. Thanks they will be told all tomorrow.

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LineRunner · 17/07/2011 16:56

Good luck, Mitmoo.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 17:01

Line Thank you but tomorrow it will be the ex who will need the luck because all bets are now off, he's shown himself to be the same ba&tard I'd divorced all of those years ago.

He was so pleasant the night before he took him away, even managed a telephone conversation about the packing list. I should have smelt a rat right them. Again more fool me.

As Bird said he is a rat.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 17/07/2011 17:05

Your son didn't want contact and the court ordered indirect contact?

You have to question why you thought you would then just allow your ex to do what he decided, as though you or the court didn't count.

He has now proven that the courts decision was right and that his behaviour is unreasonable and wrong, so you know why you need to change the arrangements, it isn't out of spite.

LineRunner · 17/07/2011 17:09

Mitmoo, well done for being assertive. And I want you to absorb this mantra if poss:

"I will stand up for myself, and in all things I will show myself to have acted reasonably."

"Acting reasonably" is what everyone looks for - schools, LEAs, courts, police, everyone.

This tends to mean polite, clear emails or letters (or notes of polite, clear phone calls), all adding up to evidence of how you have been working hard to resolve the problems your ex creates.

Basically, it's just keeping calm and keeping paperwork!

Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 17:13

Birds it is a long story I'll try and precis it down. He got indirect and phoned for a couple of years had stopped being threatening and abusive, son got curious.

For son's sake I let ex come to family events where we would both have loads of support, ex didn't get abusive. I then extended it to supervised contact only in public places, ex didn't abuse it, this all took many years., not weeks or month.

All of the time I gauged exes behaviour, son's safety, supervision etc.

The court decisions don't count as CAFCASS are morons many of whom have less training than a traffic warden. Judges in most cases endorse the CAFCASS recommendations. For the years they told me contact was in my son's best interest I learned they were incompetent and dangerous. I never want to have my son's future in their hands again. Not ever.

Ten years on he is again playing his ridiculous games and he has played them before when I have stopped holidays, I am now in the unenviable position where I will curb contact yet again as he cannot be trusted.

Thank you so much for realising I am not acting out of spite because it is very easy for some to judge me like that. So thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 17:16

Line I am onto it, luckily CAMHS - Children's and Adolescent Mental Health Services have records of each time Dad has fcked up too straight from the child's mouth. They think I am a supportive Mum and Dad is best kept at arms length.

Aren't they the wise ones.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitmoo · 18/07/2011 09:03

I have had a call and he is on his way back now. I have called the school told them he is not in this morning hope for him to be in this afternoon, but want to talk to the house head, or is tutor or special needs co-ordinator to give them the reasons. I am waiting for the call now.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 18/07/2011 16:56

What you want isn't unreasonable-to be told the arrangements regarding your DS with additional needs.

Ignore him 'going off on one', he is a prat (i've tried to be as polite as possible).

Set rules and if he doesn't want to act in the best interests of your DS, which is all that you are asking, then things have got to come to a stop, his choice.

When i said that you are 'within your rights' to insist on communication, your ex has got to realise that PR puts responsibility onto you to keep your DS safe and in school etc, when he should be. You cannot act fully responsible without exercising 'rights', they go hand in hand.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/07/2011 19:14

How did it go with the school today Mitmoo? How is DS, did he at least have a good time at whatever your Ex took him to?