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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's a deal breaker if you dh tells you to f*** off?

59 replies

downbutnotout · 16/07/2011 22:12

I am feeling that terrible cold cold rage that makes me want to walk out the door right now. As context he said it to me in front of fil as I was calling him to come for his dinner which I'd spent the last hour preparing for him and his sister's family and his parents, and he wasn't ready to come because he wanted to watch the last five minutes of today's stage of the Tour de France.

Our relationship is in trouble anyway, so maybe I am being unreasonable but I feel like fleeing to a desert island.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 16/07/2011 22:13

In that context, I have to agree with you. :(

Tryharder · 16/07/2011 22:16

YANBU. What was his tone of voice? Was it jokey or angry? How did your FIL react?

AgentZigzag · 16/07/2011 22:17

In your circumstances I'd be really, really fucked off.

It's a bizarre answer to someone shouting you for dinner, totally uncalled for.

The fact that it was in front of other people just amplifies the lack of respect he's not bothered other people seeing.

How on earth did his family react to him treating you like a piece of shit?

And how did you manage not to verbally lamp him one?

Original poster
downbutnotout · 16/07/2011 22:18

Not jokey. In fairness, fil is deaf, so I'm not sure he heard, but I certainly bloody did. Sad dh apologised but is now laughing and drinking wine with his sister without a care in the world and I feel like crap.

OP posts:
Original poster
downbutnotout · 16/07/2011 22:19

Dunno, 0 out 10 for assertiveness. Boody hell.

OP posts:
iklboo · 16/07/2011 22:20

I'd have binned his dinner. It's amazing how DH's sometimes act hard in front of their dads like they're going to be impressed how their son treats 'the little woman'. Bollocksed if I'd take it. Sorry you're going through this.

thenightsky · 16/07/2011 22:22

He said the word 'fuck' in front of his father??? sheesh.

Dinner would be in the bin in this house.

TidyDancer · 16/07/2011 22:22

Does he usually speak to you like that?

Do you have children and does he treat you like that in front of them?

I really don't think he can apologise and have that be the end of it. It just isn't acceptable to say that to you in that way.

DP and I will sometimes jokingly tell each other to fuck off, but we know it's in a jokey context and we are just being silly and it is never done in front of family. MIL is card carrying bra-burner, and would have DP's head off if she ever heard him speaking to me like your DH spoke to you.

AgentZigzag · 16/07/2011 22:26

Hey now dbno! Don't you be starting to feel crap about 'not being assertive'.

Everything is completely on him for saying such a crappy thing to you.

Did he do it knowing you'd not want to make a scene in front of your inlaws?

Did you accept his aplology? I think I would be wanting to talk about it some more to make doubly sure he knew how I felt so he didn't do it again (not that I'm egging you on to start it off again).

Original poster
downbutnotout · 16/07/2011 22:26

He says it doesn't have the significance to him it does to me because he's a londoner (brought up in Hackney) Hmm. Maybe he's right or maybe I should have just put his dinner in the bin.

Need to attend feminism 101, I think.

OP posts:
Inertia · 16/07/2011 22:29

In your shoes I would be utterly seething- his behaviour was staggeringly disrespectful, especially since it was in front of other people. You seem to have reacted far more rationally than I would have- I'd have unplugged the TV and told him exactly how much I didn't appreciate being told to fuck off, having spent an hour making dinner. I'd probably also have binned his dinner.

Can you use that cold rage productively to consider your options and start to make preparations, if you are seriously thinking of ending the relationship?

honeyandsalt · 16/07/2011 22:29

I understand that you didn't want to have a row in front of the family, completely. But his behaviour was rude, disrespectful and downright bloody nasty. I wonder who'll be doing the washing-up? Hmm

I'd say it's time for some serious discussion, even if it isn't The End. Sorry OP.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 16/07/2011 22:30

So sort of "darling, dinner's ready" - "fuck off, I'm watching telly"?

Very disrespectful. It's like you're nothing.

Original poster
downbutnotout · 16/07/2011 22:30

Here is what I wish I'd said: "If you ever speak to me like that again in my own home, especially in front of your family, you'd better call your lawyers in the morning."

He does speak to me fairly often in a way I find at least patroninising but this is the first time it's tipped over into offensive.

OP posts:
PaperBank · 16/07/2011 22:30

Certainly sounds like there is resentment and anger on both sides, for whatever reasons. Would you consider counselling?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 16/07/2011 22:30

Oh, meant to add - he'd have had his dinner shoved right in his face and I'd have fucked off alright. Right out of the bloody house.

PaperBank · 16/07/2011 22:31

(e.g. couples counselling at Relate?)

Inertia · 16/07/2011 22:31

He's talking out of his backside. My family were brought up in London- my father and grandfathers would never in a million years tell their wife to fuck off because dinner was ready. Coming from London does not equal rude and abusive. Your DH is making excuses.

honeyandsalt · 16/07/2011 22:32

"Sorry but I'm from Hackney" isn't an apology OP, it's an excuse.

pingu2209 · 16/07/2011 22:32

If he said it in a really rude tone then you have the right to be pissed off and angry. However, could you not have waited 5 mins for him to finish watching the open?

Inertia · 16/07/2011 22:33

Downbutnotout, you can still say that to him.

honeyandsalt · 16/07/2011 22:35

@pingu2209 - am tempted to tell you too eff off so you can see how it feels. Where are you from out of interest, 1955?

Original poster
downbutnotout · 16/07/2011 22:36

Ah paper, you are a voice of reason, damn you. I'm scared we might be moving beyond where Relate can help us. We have two dcs (2 and 7) - I don't want this to be the end for them. I would go, if it were just me though.

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Jux · 16/07/2011 22:36

Well, it's not too late to say that now is it? Or tomorrow. You need to make sure he knows this is unacceptable, either tonight, tomorrow or sometime. I'd do it tonight, but if he's quaffing with his sis then by the time they go he probably won't be in much of a state.

I'd insist on Relate so he can learn how tonspeak to you without being patronising too.

PotPourri · 16/07/2011 22:36

I think you should still say that sentence to him anyway OP. And really mean it. And yes, start to make preparations so that you are more in control