to think it's a deal breaker if you dh tells you to f*** off?

[downbutnotout]

I am feeling that terrible cold cold rage that makes me want to walk out the door right now. As context he said it to me in front of fil as I was calling him to come for his dinner which I'd spent the last hour preparing for him and his sister's family and his parents, and he wasn't ready to come because he wanted to watch the last five minutes of today's stage of the Tour de France.

Our relationship is in trouble anyway, so maybe I am being unreasonable but I feel like fleeing to a desert island.

You're waiting because you're scared of his reaction? That's how I'm reading it.

You need to read up on emotionally abusive partners - look on the relationships boards for starters.

If my DH treated me in a similar manner, I'd probably wait for a few hours til I had simmered down and then explained how it made me feel and he'd be really and truly sorry (not because I was shouty, because he'd made me feel shit). I wouldn't be waiting for days to sort it out because things weren't horrible for once. I'm not boasting, this is just because you maybe don't realise that living in fear of your partner's reaction if/when you stand up for yourself and say "look, that's not ok" isn't normal.

IMO it is NOT acceptable for him to say that... especially in that context

(and yes i have an OH obsessed with tour de france at the moment too )

OH would NEVER say that to me..... (& nor would I to him!)
My vile ex step dad was telling my mum to "F**K off out of his life, cause he didnt want her anymore and had another woman" ... He didnt... it was a "joke".... I was livid..... told him to "go and F*K someone else's mother " at which point he attacked me, and I got him arrested etc.... my mum took him back but for a short while but they ARE now divorced, thank God, and she now has a lovely proper REAL man, who quite simply, (like my OH) would never even dream of speaking to her (or anyone else) like that!.

Moral of story, there are much nicer and better people out there.... go and find yourself one of them

lequeen - did you just read the thread title then post? This wasn't an argument, she had the sheer audacity to tell him that the dinner she'd been cooking for him and his family while he was sitting on his arse watching the cycling was ready at a time he found inconvenient. Not. Ok.

'He has been a good mood for the past couple of days and that is a welcome change, so will wait a while before rocking the boat again.'

Hmmm. You have to wait before calling him up on his HORRID behaviour until he is in the right mood to...what? Not foully insult you, refuse to listen and storm out screaming?

I know you said that you were waiting until you could stay calm, but re-read your post. It reads very much as if you're treading on eggshells around him - I wouldn't be 'waiting until I'm calm' to let him know I was FURIOUS about being spoken to like that... I'd be letting him see that I was indeed FURIOUS. Perhaps you need to not be calm - to get across the fact that no you will NOT be spoken to, or thought of, like that!

If the status quo is that he gets to treat you like shit, and you only pull him up gently, so to speak - then you are buying into his reality, the one where you get to be less important, your feelings don't get to really count. Even when you've been treated appallingly, the comeback is minor and done in a way that doesn't upset him, doesn't 'rock the boat'.

That is all wrong and makes me think that you are indeed in a really unhealthy pattern. The boat needs serious rocking. His feet NEED to not touch the floor, otherwise it's just going to continue.

he is doing the nice/nasty cycle with you then, OP

making you feel you can't bring up his unacceptable behaviour because it "will rock the boat"

oh dear, you are in deeper than you thought

downbutnotout, please do rock the boat. He really has to see that he can't do this. I bet it's not the first time he's done something most people would take very serious exception to, and then been terribly nice so that you haven't tackled the issue because you want to bask in the fact that he is capable of behaving like a normal human being.

You are already kow-towing to his erratic behaviour and allowing his lack of respect for you to go unchallenged. Please think again.