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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's a deal breaker if you dh tells you to f*** off?

59 replies

downbutnotout · 16/07/2011 22:12

I am feeling that terrible cold cold rage that makes me want to walk out the door right now. As context he said it to me in front of fil as I was calling him to come for his dinner which I'd spent the last hour preparing for him and his sister's family and his parents, and he wasn't ready to come because he wanted to watch the last five minutes of today's stage of the Tour de France.

Our relationship is in trouble anyway, so maybe I am being unreasonable but I feel like fleeing to a desert island.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 16/07/2011 22:37

You're joking, aren't you pingu2209? I don't think this is the right thread to be making jokes on tbh.

Original poster
downbutnotout · 16/07/2011 22:38

Easy honey i've had enough arguments in my house for one night. (Though you ahve a point).

OP posts:
FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 16/07/2011 22:39

Wow, YANBU. Have to say sometimes DH and I tell each other to shut up or to fuck off, but it is TOTALLY jokey and we would not ever dream of actually meaning it. Ever.

Is this normal behaviour for him?

Have to add - no reason for the AIBU really, if it's a deal breaker for YOU then it doesn't matter what we think really, though in true MN style we are all here to help - you need to figure out what is best for you.

honeyandsalt · 16/07/2011 22:40

It's better for kids to live in a happy single parent household than with unhappily married parents. Fact.

If you feel the relationship can be - and that you want it to be - salvaged then you and he shall need to work on it.

HowlingBitch · 16/07/2011 22:41

If he was truly sorry he wouldn't defend himself (if you could call "I'm from London" a defence Hmm ) He would just say "I'm sorry, I should never have said that. You deserve more respect"

Don't say anything tonight if he has been drinking but you need to make it clear tomorrow that you will never accept being spoken too like that. Ever.

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 16/07/2011 22:42

Sorry x post on the normal behaviour thing, it sounds like his anger and disrespect is escalating :(

honeyandsalt · 16/07/2011 22:42

Sorry downbutnotout I had a grr moment Smile. My apologies, if I could delete I would.

NickRobinsonsloveslave · 16/07/2011 22:46

My DH said he was going to throw me out onto the street...in front of our DCs!

We are now sleeping in sep rooms.

Original poster
downbutnotout · 16/07/2011 22:47

Thanks all, was a bit of a vent. Am still seething as I feel I have been cast in the role of hysterical unreasonable woman in this relationship and I do know that I'm not, but I'm being worn down. appreciate the kind words and will regroup.

OP posts:
Original poster
downbutnotout · 16/07/2011 22:48

Nick Shock Sad

OP posts:
Inertia · 16/07/2011 22:54

Downbutnotout, you know how unacceptable your husband's behaviour is, but he seems either blithely unaware of how appallingly he's behaved, or else he just doesn't care how much he upsets you. Either way, he probably needs to hear from a neutral, professional third party quite how unpleasant he's being if you are going to be able to repair the relationship, it sounds as though he would just be dismissive of anything you say to improve the situation.

NorksAreMessy · 16/07/2011 23:03

Have told DH to fuck off on a couple of occasions when I was deeply pissed off with him.

All forgotten and made up now. 23 years and counting.
Not alwyas, therefore, a dealbreaker, but if tou are already nearing the end of your patience.......

HowlingBitch · 16/07/2011 23:03

Downbutnotout Please don't ever forget that your thoughts, feelings and opinions are just as valid as your husbands. If you loose sight of that it is very easy to get worn down especially if you are told you are wrong every time you disagree with his behaviour. There is a reason you are feeling like this but some men have a way of making you feel like it's all in your head.

snippywoo2 · 16/07/2011 23:06

*Am still seething as I feel I have been cast in the role of hysterical unreasonable woman in this relationship and I do know that I'm not, but I'm being worn down.

That's what they do abusive partners, be it physical or mental abuse.
They make it all about you. It's all your fault, your being unreasonable, your being hysterical, it's all your fault they act the way they do.
In the end they wear you down and you end thinking it's all your fault.
It's not it's them.
Walk away with your self esteem intact.

ChaoticAngelofGryffindor · 16/07/2011 23:14

You deserve better than this.

Your children deserve better than this.

nomoreheels · 16/07/2011 23:51

Yanbu. I don't mind DP swearing at things at all, but he is not allowed to swear specifically at me if we're having a row. He did it once & I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not tolerate it again. Even if we are arguing & angry, I personally don't think it's necessary to be that unkind.

doodledaisy · 17/07/2011 00:16

I can understand yelling 'fuck off' in an argument but to respond to you for saying dinner's ready with it, seems way over the top. YANBU, it's not an appropriate response.

PaperBank · 17/07/2011 08:22

Very sorry to hear what you are going through :(

You can email/phone/see someone at Relate by yourself, you don't have to go as a couple (although it's obviously ideal if you can). They can at least lend a supportive ear and advise.

Hope things will improve for you.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 17/07/2011 15:40

It is somehow worse, imo, to casually tell someone to fuck off than to yell fuck off in a mutual angry exchange. To lose your temper and swear at someone is obviously horrible, but to just casually and conversationally tell someone to fuck off seems, I dunno, so dismissive and more disrespectful than yelling it in the middle of a toe to toe row.

ShoutyHamster · 17/07/2011 16:28

Yes TMB - I agree - everyone says awful things in the heat of the moment, but to say something so horrible as if it were nothing - it just screams out that he thinks of you as nothing, that he has zero respect for you. And that he thinks that's an absolutely ok way to be, as evidenced by him speaking to you like that in front of other people, his family.

Like you're a dog there to be kicked or something.

OP - could you ever imagine him saying that to the sister he was so matily laughing and drinking with? Or his dad? No? But fine to say it to you? The person who is supposed to be his closest family member, his partner?

That exchange speaks volumes about your relationship and the way he sees you. You are right to see it as a line crossed.

eurochick · 17/07/2011 16:34

I'm a Londoner too and swear like a sailor, but mostly casually. I have told Mr euro to fuck off before (and meant it but only) but only when we were having a row and on the verge of splitting up and I just wanted him to go away from me. I would never say it in a similar context. It is not the swearing that is the problem, it is the disrespect.

JamieAgain · 17/07/2011 16:41

To do it at all, let alone in front of his dad is deeply disrespectful. To then not apologise is worse.

Don't beat yourself up about not being assertive. You were probably shocked and embarrassed because your FIL was there and you didn't want to have a row. It's worrying that it sounds like he'd know that and do it anyway

Original poster
downbutnotout · 18/07/2011 21:01

Have been mulling this over and will have it out with him when I'm sure I can be calm. He has been a good mood for the past couple of days and that is a welcome change, so will wait a while before rocking the boat again. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 18/07/2011 21:19

I think Op's re-action is quite OTT. I told dh to fuck off once, when I was really really angry. not good. but not the end of the world. not a dealbreaker. are you seriously considering leaving ? over this ? I find that hard to believe.
Now, his behaviour was totally unacceptable and very disrespectful. And i can't even believe he said it, over 5 minutes of any programme, or any thing.
But to think about leaving, seems very odd.

Sitting down and having very strong words, yes. Downbutouts suggestion seems very good. but more than this seems a bit of an over-reaction.

AgentZigzag · 18/07/2011 21:27

It says 'Our relationship is in trouble anyway' in the OP oblomov.