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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my hubbys ex is a dick for giving her teens booze?

23 replies

thoroughlymodernmummy · 16/07/2011 21:18

Dont get me wrong, i like a drink...but she is allowing my hubbys daughter - who is 14 (and all her friends) drink at her house. I think she even provides the booze some nights.....of course my step daughter thinks this is brill (as i wouldve) but are we right to be a little concerned...

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 16/07/2011 21:21

depends how much they are drinking

i was allowed to drink alcohol at home

frownieface · 16/07/2011 21:26

It really depends on how much booze we are talking about, if it is litres of vodka then yes be concerned, if it is a couple of alcopops then maybe not so much.

It is good for teens to learn how to drink (maybe the wrong phrase) I.e when to say no, when to say that you have had enough.

Is it better that she is drinking with her friends at her mums house, or that she was doing it behind your back in a park?

hth.

AgentZigzag · 16/07/2011 21:27

I was allowed a small tipple at a pretty young age at home, but started drinking behind my parents back at 14 (martini at first bleargh ).

You're right to be concerned, but have to be realistic at the same time.

Is it better to have even a small amount of trust and control over what they're up to that giving them a bit of alcohol might bring?

What does you DH reckon?

hairfullofsnakes · 16/07/2011 21:28

Good God what is this obsession with teaching kids to drink?! Yanbu at all op.

Original poster

thoroughlymodernmummy · 16/07/2011 21:30

I agree with all the sentiments of reliable drinking, and i do think it is only alcopops and beer...no call for AA just yet, but i think our concern is her reasons behind it. The whole wanting to be everyones best friend...she is drinking and smoking with them.....bit icky....

And DH is a drugs support worker...maybe this is why hes worried!!!

OP posts:

Sirzy · 16/07/2011 21:30

I was allowed to drink small amount at home from a similar age. As a result it was never the forbidden fruit and I just laughed at those going out getting paraletic/ending up needing stomach pumped etc because they had stolen a bottle of vodka from there mum to drink in the park.

It depends how much she is being given and with what sort of message really

Tchootnika · 16/07/2011 21:32

If she's providing any booze at all to 14 y.os (other than maybe a tiny amount with meal - but I'm not thinking this is what you're talking about) - then that seems pretty strange, IMO.

Or is she taking the view that they'll just go and get it themselves elsewhere, otherwise, so safer to have some safeguards at home?

AgentZigzag · 16/07/2011 21:35

I don't think teenagers need to be taught how to drink by their parents snakes, they can do it all by themselves, with maybe a bit of help from their friends.

It's up to parents to teach them the rules of moderation and limits, unless they decide not to drink at all because it all tastes like the devils arse after a particularly hot curry.

IDrinkFromTheirSkulls · 16/07/2011 21:38

If we ever asked we were allowed a taste of whatever mum or dad was drinking (which was always lager or white wine). This was from the age of about 5 or 6.

I would not let ds do the same at that young an age.

Incidentally, I don't drink at all and have never been drunk. My sister likes a drink at parties/going out with friends and gets drunk but not completely legless. My brother is your typical teenager at a party with traffic cones on his head and jumping off of roofs type of drunk

So all in all I'd say that what makes one kid an alcoholic won't necessarily make another kid the same.

AgentZigzag · 16/07/2011 21:39

I suppose once children start getting older they cross over into the adult world, and I can see how your DHs ex might want to let her DD into that world with her rather than let her stumble about finding out for herself.

Not being her friend in a bessie mates way, but just doing things you'd do with another adult IYSWIM?

overthehillmum · 16/07/2011 21:45

I allowed my kids to have a drink (usually a breezer or a can of beer) at my house, this stopped them hanging about the streets drinking, their friends were allowed to drink in my house as long as their parents knew about it (I checked with them) they had a couple of beers, sat about watching telly and I knew they were safe. I see nothing wrong with this if she is monitoring it, they would be drinking on street corners or in parks, much better that they don't see it as something that they have to do behind their parents back. Both my kids now 19 & 20, drink in moderation and have no issues with binge drinking.

So YABU with your statement, if you don't have teenage children then you have absolutely no idea of the minefield it all is.

Original poster

thoroughlymodernmummy · 16/07/2011 21:51

Thanks over the hill mum, but tell me, were you sat in the middle of your kids drinking too till 3 in morning...there is responsible supervision and guidance and stupidity.

But well done you on such a good job, must be a relief to get out the other side!

OP posts:

CoteDAzur · 16/07/2011 22:03

"i think our concern is her reasons behind it. The whole wanting to be everyones best friend..."

Do you know for a fact that is the reason why she allows her daughter & her friends a few beers at home? Have you spoken to her about this and has she responded with "I feel lonely and just want her to think of me as her friend"?

Original poster

thoroughlymodernmummy · 16/07/2011 22:13

The fact that she has her daughters friends at the house when her daughter is here may have given us that impression. and as for her response when dh asked... apparently its her house and she'll do what she wants. Tough call as I'm sure you'll appreciate dh would like to have some input into the way his child is raised and what she is allowed to do.

OP posts:

nojustificationneeded · 16/07/2011 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overthehillmum · 16/07/2011 22:45

Hi Thoroughly, obviously I don't know the ins and outs, but no, I wasn't sitting with them till three, I would be in my bedroom watching tv and popping down every now and then, I would order pizza for them, but I did used to let them have a sleep over in the livingroom, them playing the playstation and having some music on, again more preferable to them heading out and pretending that they were at someone elses parents house rather than with some teenager who had their own flat getting drunk or worse (which actually did happen once!!) Obviously if the mum is sitting getting drunk with teenagers running riot in her house then this is not monitoring the situation, but your initial statement wasn't saying that.

I know for a fact that my ex and his then girlfriend used to totally go on to everyone about how I was a bad parent for the way I brought my kids up but he saw them once a month for about 2 hours, so I probably reacted a bit to your statement because sometimes its easier to look at something in isolation and not consider the reasons behind it.

So, if you had put "AIBU to dislike my DH's EX getting drunk with her 14 yr old and their friends" I would have said no you weren't. SO No, you aren't.

CoteDAzur · 17/07/2011 07:17

Why are you surprised that her daughters' friends are there? I would imagine that the whole point of allowing this is so that the girl and her friends will have a few light alcoholic drinks in the safety of her home, rather than lying, going out, and drinking who knows where.

I also don't find it shocking that she might have a glass of wine with them. Why not? It doesn't meant that the purpose of allowing a few drinks in her home is so she can be "friends" with these kids.

I can also understand why she would be annoyed with her ex-H judging her and giving an offhand reply. Would it be fair to say that there is a bit of resentment in that relationship?

Goblinchild · 17/07/2011 07:20

How old are your children OP? Do you have teenagers?

spiderslegs · 17/07/2011 07:44

Thouroughlymodernmummy

I would say, it's probably none of your concern - as a matter of interest - how old are you?

& 'My hubby's daughter'

Her mother is allowing her to drink - really - none of your beeswax.

If my stepmother concerned herself in such a fashion when I was 14, I may have killed her......

ilovedora27 · 17/07/2011 07:55

I will probably give my Dcs alcohol at home at 14. My husband was given a couple of drinks at home with his parents or when he had a friend round. He has grown up to be a responsible drinker. I was never allowed it and I think as it was forbidden that made me crazy for it. I used to get people to buy me cheap stuff like 20/20 or cider and get drunk and sick everywhere. I am still a bit of a binge drinker now when I go out at 27 and dont think I ever learnt my limits whereas my husband can easily go out have 2 beers and stop.

I want my children to be responsible. Also all my friends had to be in at 10.00 at 14 and as I had to be in at 8 all my friends would just go to the youth club and play pool whereas because I had to go home early I used to sneak out the window at 1 to meet older boys. I know I used to do it to rebel as my friends were given a bit more responsibility.

Catslikehats · 17/07/2011 08:04

Either your "hubby" trusts the mother of his child or he doesn't.

If he trusts her, he has to accept that as a parent she may do some things differently to him. That in itself is not wrong.

If he doesn't trust her, then he need to talk to her and work out a way forward.

FWIW I don't think there ia anything wrong with moderate drinking within the safety of your own home.

jeckadeck · 17/07/2011 13:26

I feel a bit ambivalent about this: I can understand the theory that a little supervised drinking at home de-glamourizes booze, takes away the danger and teaches kids how to handle it. My dad (who drinks more than is good for him but not so much its derailed his life) used to practice this idea. In practice I actually think what this is doing is making alcohol seem normal, which is enshrining it in the heart of family life, which isn't so great, imho. I think if you're going to do it, do it very sparingly. It really depends how often she is doing this for the kids. If its once every few weeks I think its fine. If its every weekend night, not so much.

mrsm123 · 17/07/2011 13:31

14 is too young in my opinion. i did it in private on the odd occasion when i was 14 (and feel sad about that actually) but not with my parents at that age. maybe a few at christmas when shes 15 etc but not on a random sat nt (if thats the case) sittin in with your mum. nah. thats not right. like is said, one or two years older makes all the difference. good luck.

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