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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think we could have been included in buying a family car

108 replies

Ivortheengine8 · 16/07/2011 16:45

DH has talked for some time about getting us a new family car before DC2 arrives in October.
Finally today he has gone off to look for one and hopefully find something he likes.

I thought he might have wanted me to go with him. I understand why he doesnt want dc1 to go as she would probably get bored but I said I could drop her off somewhere for a couple of hours and he and I could go.

But no, this morning he wants to do it himself and said it would be easier for him to negotiate a good price on his own. I don't know what he is getting or even what he wants to look at.

Hands up, I havent passed my test yet so I won't be driving the car (Yet!) but seeing as we hardly do anything as a family anyway I thought he could have included me a bit more. Even if I had been asked what I liked the look off or for some imput.

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 16/07/2011 17:40

Absolutely DogsBestFriend, if it were the DH's own money, that would be fine. His choice entirely. But it's not - it's 7k of their joint money. If my partner wanted to cut me out of the process of deciding how to spend 7K of our joint pot, I'd be really fucked off. The assumption seems to be here that because he's the driver, the purchase only affects him. It doesn't!

And the stuff about upselling - well it really depends on what kind of person the OP is doesn't it? You've got someone else on here who's worked in sales saying that it's actually the blokes that get carried away Grin which I can totally see happening. Here, I'd expect the DH to say, you know what you're like, I think you should stay out of the dealership because you'll get carried away...but let's look online together, have a discussion about what kind of car we think would suit OUR FAMILY, then I'll go and buy. Or not, if the truth is that it's the OP who is the prudent spender. I've got more of a feeling that she is, and that's why he doesn't want her there!

I'd expect a fair partnership to discuss this, with the non-driver (especially one who plans to learn) getting to say what's important to them, e.g. boot size, insurance costs, and the overall spend thay want to make. I'd then expect the driver to get veto and final say.

The fact is, it's just a BIG PURCHASE. No one half of a partnership should try and cut the other one out of that process. It's driving a wedge that doesn't need to be there.

LRDTheFeministNutcase · 16/07/2011 17:44

Sorry, but I think it is very selfish of him.

Yes, he has to drive it: but you'll be sitting in it too! My DH doesn't drive, but that doesn't mean I want him to be sitting uncomfortably. Especially if this will be a family car and you might use it for long trips, it's important it's comfortable for you as well as him.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 16/07/2011 17:44

I think you only need to be there if you are with someone who is so stupid that they can't judge how big a boot is needed, or know how much space the family is likely to need. If that's the case, I think the car is the least of your problems Grin

wanting to be there is something else entirely. but acting like you've got to be there cos ooh what about the boot space and is it going to be big enough to fit the kids in, is actually pretty insulting, cos you're saying your partner is a clueless plank. Grin

oldraver · 16/07/2011 17:48

I let DH go off to the auctions on his own, now admittedly it was only for a runner for a couple on months as we had written ours off and we were supposed to be going abroad, but he came back with....

An Austin flaming Allegro [shocked]

DogsBestFriend · 16/07/2011 17:52

I can't see where the OP has said for sure she has put money into the car-purchasing pot too (might be my eyesight, shouty!). :)

DogsBestFriend · 16/07/2011 17:53

oldraver, permission to slap your DH granted, seconded and rubber-stamped!

An Allegro? Shock

No sex for a month of Sundays for that insult!

Mitmoo · 16/07/2011 17:56

Dogs: The technical stuff doesn't matter. If you know sales you just get one of the partners to be good cop and one to be bad cop in front of the sales person. It doesn't matter what selling points or benefits they are disagreeing on, just so long as they disagree on the benefits of the product in front of the sales person.

It can be petrol consumption, tax, boot size as I have already said, so long as it is a factor in making the purchase it is a valid "objection".

ASByatt · 16/07/2011 17:57

DBF - surely the clue was the fact that he was looking for a 'family car' - doesn't that in itself imply pretty clearly that we're not talking about a sporty little 2-seater for himself?

I would be livid, frankly. OP will be driving this car too soon, so surely it's important to check that it's comfy for her too, no blind spots for someone of her height etc etc.

Doesn't sound great his views of workig as a partnership etc

Mitmoo · 16/07/2011 17:57

Dogs it doesn't matter if the OP has no financial outlay, if you are a family you are supposed to be a unit. I think there may be a bigger problem here, the partner is not treating her as an equal.

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 16/07/2011 17:59

magnificent absolutely, he knows I don't claim to know much about it and I agree with you there.
Dogsbestfriends, just because I am now a SAHM with a toddler and one due in October does not mean I have not worked my arse off to help this family.
Before I met DH I worked abroad and sent money home to save. (one reason I didnt learn to drive over here) I worked in this country after we got married until DD was born and I intend to go back to work when dc2 is old enough.
I had no problem with DH buying his new laptop, I phone or Ipad all in the same month - I didn't even mention it but its the fact that I think this is a family purchase which I intend to use one day.

OP posts:
FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 16/07/2011 17:59

OP does he often disregard your opinion? Or is it just because it's a car?

Chandon · 16/07/2011 18:00

my DH can't (won't) drive.

so one day I just bought a car on my own from our current account.

I did tell him roughly how much I was planning to spend.

It never occurred to me to make a "day out" of it.

I did choose a sensible car, if more expensive than he would have chosen, but as he doesn't drive, he didn't get to choose!

He was relieved not to have to get involved though, in our family we see buying things and shopping as chores, not fun...

mauricetinkler · 16/07/2011 18:02

YABU OP. Women don't bring much to the party where car purchasing is concerend. However, he should have given you the option of choosing a colour.

controlleddemolition · 16/07/2011 18:03

No, dogsbestfriend , not because you've seen what sales people can be like, but because you appear to assume that all women, including the OP, would be dappy enough to fall for that shit.

So they try a line, so what? Doesn't mean she'll fall for it just because she's a woman. Who would think that? Except for someone with a low opinion of women?

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 16/07/2011 18:04

It depends fuzz. He usually moans about things I buy for the house (eg hoover) and comments about it even when he never uses them!
Chandon, thats fine if you actually spend weekends together sometimes. We hardly get to see DH as he is always working or busy with something else so yes for me it was an opportunity - a silly one maybe!

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 16/07/2011 18:04

You've got a huge difference right there, Chandon: He was relieved not to have to get involved so you respected each other's choices. OP didn't say she doesn't want any input!

EndaHoran · 16/07/2011 18:04

Yes Little Wifey, hold back sex. Hmm

FFS.

mumblechum1 · 16/07/2011 18:04

I think you may be a teeny bit U, purely because I've always chosen my cars without any input from dh (even tho' they happen to come out of his budget), and wouldn't expect him to ask what sort of car he should buy either.

imo it's the person doing the driving's choice.

A friend of mine came home to find that her dh had taken HER car and traded it in without asking her and that would have pissed me off a lot.

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 16/07/2011 18:06

Maurice, if only he had I would have been delighted Grin I would have chosen a black one with a pink flower on it, good choice?

OP posts:
mauricetinkler · 16/07/2011 18:10

Sounds good to me OP.

vividgingerchilli · 16/07/2011 18:11

OP, could you not have looked online yourself and then said to your DH I like X,Y, Z and discussed it with him?

Mitmoo · 16/07/2011 18:11

Maurice You are a naughty little wind up merchant. tsk tsk Grin

ASByatt · 16/07/2011 18:12

mumblechum - but soon the OP will be doing the driving too, and probably the majority of the driving.
You only had to read the thread........

oldraver · 16/07/2011 18:15

Dogs it was a long time ago but even then but an Allegro (with brown vinyl roof) was still a duff car even then

I shouldn't really say anything, being a mere woman I chose my car for its pretty colour Wink

garlicbutter · 16/07/2011 18:17

Bit small for a 2DC family.