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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think we could have been included in buying a family car

108 replies

Ivortheengine8 · 16/07/2011 16:45

DH has talked for some time about getting us a new family car before DC2 arrives in October.
Finally today he has gone off to look for one and hopefully find something he likes.

I thought he might have wanted me to go with him. I understand why he doesnt want dc1 to go as she would probably get bored but I said I could drop her off somewhere for a couple of hours and he and I could go.

But no, this morning he wants to do it himself and said it would be easier for him to negotiate a good price on his own. I don't know what he is getting or even what he wants to look at.

Hands up, I havent passed my test yet so I won't be driving the car (Yet!) but seeing as we hardly do anything as a family anyway I thought he could have included me a bit more. Even if I had been asked what I liked the look off or for some imput.

OP posts:
runnyhabbit · 16/07/2011 17:10

YANBU

Whilst he will the main driver, the whole family will use it, so I would expect to be there.

But most importantly, a car is (probably) the second most expensive purchase (after a house) to make, and I would make sure I was involved in the process

HipHopOpotomus · 16/07/2011 17:11

YANBU it's a family car, you will be driving it eventually, and there Are loads more needs to consider than the drivers!

DogsBestFriend · 16/07/2011 17:11

eurochick, wise words. Whatcha drive, do tell so I can get envious! :)

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 16/07/2011 17:12

Magnificent, maybe you are right. I am certainly not a very 'assertive' person but he can really be quite mean when he gets going, I probably would have just stood there and listened to them with an occasional comment. I think he knows basically what we need so I trust he makes a good choice. We rarely do things as a family as I said which is another reason I felt we could have done it together.

OP posts:
controlleddemolition · 16/07/2011 17:15

Dogbestfriend, you seem to have a really low opinion of women Hmm

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 16/07/2011 17:16

I think that's a good enough reason by itself - you wanted some time with him. He should remember that he's lucky to have someone who does. Many people in relationships don't want to spend time together!

Oh, even the 'occasional comment' is too much Grin in those situations.

It's good that you know he will make a suitable choice, it's a bit worrying when people start saying that their bloke wouldn't be able to know how big a boot was needed, or be able to choose a car that would fit the kids in. Makes me wonder if this is a person you should really be allowing out without supervision in the first place Grin

zukiecat · 16/07/2011 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 16/07/2011 17:19

DBF - I am a 31 year old mother not a 17 year old airhead. I am not totally thick just because I don't drive. How do you know its my husbands money?

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 16/07/2011 17:22

Yeah controlled, because I've often seen how women can be used to manipulate the male family car buyer and I've remarked upon what I've seen and heard I automatically share the opinion, don't I? Hmm

Mitmoo · 16/07/2011 17:24

It doesn't matter whether the OP can drive or not. A new car is the second biggest buying decision you usually make in your life after your home.

She should have a say as buying a car is not just about driving it, it is about petrol consumption, safety records, size of boots for pram or shopping, cost of car tax (mine is only £20 a year you can pay hundreds) same for insurance.

All of the family will be using it even if they're not driving it.

She could also play good cop bad cop. He says he wants it, she says "not good for the boot, not much shopping/pram space" or "I preferred the Ford" sales man knows he has a harder job on his hands and the price comes down.

It's patronising IMO to exclude your partner from a family purchase. A major one at that.

runnyhabbit · 16/07/2011 17:25

Dogsbestfriend - you haven't worked in sales then? I have worked in new car sales, and it is harder to upsell when the "little wifey non driver" Hmm is also present.

A bloke, on his own, going into a dealership, is a car salespersons dream. I'm sorry to stereotype, but it was always easier to upsell, because the bloke customer would get carried away.

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 16/07/2011 17:25

I think there are dealers and dealers Zukie and it depends maybe who they work for! clearly DBF was a very special kind of dealer who seems to think most women clearly are not up to making any proper decisons about anything to do with cars.
DH even comments when I spend £20 on our daughter so I am sure he wouldnt be happy if I were to go out and spend any large sums of money on myself. I can't even spend £10 on myself without feeling guilty that we have other things to pay for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 16/07/2011 17:27

Runny - its good to hear your opinion to having worked in new car sales, thanks.

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 16/07/2011 17:27

Ivor, I never stated whose money it was.

I did however reply to shouty and say what I would do, if it were me buying the car with my money.

I've also made it clear that I wouldn't take a non-driving spouse with me to buy a car either. I'm a straight woman - this is not a male vs female issue imo, it's a car-driver/car-savvy person vs non driver/non or not so savvy person issue.

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 16/07/2011 17:27

too*

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 16/07/2011 17:28

Dogs, I am ex sales trainer and ex sales person, trust me if he brought his wife along with him and prepared the patter, they'd have the sales people falling over themslves to discount.

It sounds as if he doesn't have much faith in the wife and that is the real problem, either that or he's a control freak who needs to put her down which is another problem altogether.

If my ex thought I wasn't able to help to negotiate a financial deal because I couldn't drive well. hmmmmmmm............. I wouldn't be impressed.

garlicbutter · 16/07/2011 17:29

YANBU to want some involvement in a major purchase.
Having said that, I'm often happy to let others make big decisions if my criteria are simple and they give a shit about the details - even did this with a house once.

You've also said:

we hardly do anything as a family
its a fairly big decision and as usual he wants to do it himself

So maybe this is less about a car, and more symptomatic of feeling the family is not a team. m Does he dictate everything that happens in your lives?

DogsBestFriend · 16/07/2011 17:30

I disagree runny, going on what I saw over the years in several "quality" dealerships.

Admittedly I was a service manager for years, my role was technical and not sales.

Mitmoo · 16/07/2011 17:32

Dogs You don't have to be a savvy driver to be a savvy negotiator, the selling points of a vehicle (ie the thing that makes them desirable over another make) are the benefits of the car ie. boot size, acceleration, petrol consumption, tax bracket, accessibiity for baby seats etc. are nothing to do with whether you can do a hill start or reverse park.

You are confusing the ability to drive with the ability to make a buying decision.

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 16/07/2011 17:33

mitmoo and garlic, yes that is probably partly true. I do wish he would have more faith in me and my opinions but he does tend to want to do things alone rather than include us. I think he is the same at work, he finds it hard to put any trust in anyone senior and often puts them down.

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 16/07/2011 17:33

On another note, buying a new car is as boring as hell! Arduous, time-stealing and dull.

It does sound as if the issue is more one of not having time with DH but I really wouldn't be saddened to miss a car-purchasing opportunity unless said car is Italian and fast. :o

Tell DH that next weekend you want to do something, go somewhere, to book it in his diary and start making plans?

Jux · 16/07/2011 17:35

Drivers or not there are many other things about cars which are important to the passengers thereof. Not being a driver does not make you unaware of economy, mileage, size, practicality, etc etc. I think it is shocking that a purchase of this size could be made without both adults at least being a part of the decision-making process.

Or were you just going to say "I'm not having it; it's the colour of poo"?.Grin

Perhaps that's what all these YABU people think you're going to do (would that be because Ivor's female and doesn't drive, people?)

DogsBestFriend · 16/07/2011 17:37

Knowledge of the car in question's technical spec/practical motor vehicle engineering is an advantage surely Mitmoo? Something which - big generalisation alert - most non-drivers aren't over-filled with?

Anyhow, shame it's not going to be fast and Italian from the sound of it! :)

runnyhabbit · 16/07/2011 17:38

DBF we'll have to agree to disagree thenSmile I never had a problem with selling to couples (or anyone else for that matter) but my male colleagues used to dread couples coming in, because they knew that they couldn't get away with "blokey patter"

Ivor I agree with other posters who have said that this may have more to do with your family as a whole.

thursday · 16/07/2011 17:39

i dont think YABU. if he was just worried about the sales person pulling some amazing mojo where the presence of a non-driver made him forget what he knows about cars than fair enough, and fair enough he wants more of a say as the driver. but if that was the case he would have told OP what cars he was thinking about, discussed the needs of a family car etc at home. sounds like he just doesnt have any interest in or respect for OPs opinion.

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