i dont think i am... I am SOOO upset

[nannyl]

I am currently nearly 32 weeks pregnant.

OH & his brother run their own (very successful) company, and a couple of years ago I moved up here with OH. (having just signed a 5 year deal he could not move, down to me I could, so I did)
His family all live within a 10 mins drive (many 10 min walk) and they are all really lovely. I couldnt ask for nicer "in laws"
To be here I moved 5 hours away from my family (who i am also very very close to) so clearly now i dont get to see them very often at all... which is part of the sacrifice i made when i moved!

Every year, for ever, my aunt / uncle / cousins (who live aborad) come over for a week in the summer. Always the same week (my mums birthday week)

This week has been booked into our diary since last year, and at 33 weeks pg we planned to do the 5 hour trip down south 1 last time, before baby comes, so i could see my family, and drive back at 34 weeks.

This is been booked for a year

Tonight OH comes home to tell me that "sorry he cant come anymore, as his brother has given other staff the same time off" Not only that but he has known for weeks and hasnt told me . And since having holiday agreed, his other staff have booked their holidays abroad, and they will be so understaffed that OH simply has to work and cant get time off.
(we are talking 4 days where he is "needed")

Now I am really quite upset....

1. I only ask for us to see my family for 2 weeks a year... this week in the summer, and a week around Xmas or New Year. (we do 1 Xmas here, then new year away, and the following year Xmas away and New year here)

He gets to see his family all the time.... and we see them pretty much every week (which is fine, i love them, they are all great).... But i miss my family too and these 2 trips a year mean a LOT to me.

Given that i am so pregnant its not really possible to go at any other time either...
the 5 hour journey can often be 7 hours when traffic is bad.... and as im planning a home birth i HAVE to be here from 37 weeks.... not 5+ hours drive away!

OH NEVER takes enough holiday (which really irritates me... Although he runs his own company he is "employed" by his company, yet last year didnt even have his legal minimum 28 days holiday.
We were supposed to have 1 week together in June which was cancelled (was too busy at work) but i let it go knowing we still had this week together in July.

Now that has been cancelled to.

Also my Dad is very poorly (mentally ill after a stroke) and this week we are there, his carer is also on holiday... no problem, im around and can see and look after and help him.... but now i cant

I dont wanna fly heavily pregnant (and not practical as i will have no car at other end)

I just want a few days together with OH before we have a baby who will be with us for the rest of our lives!

Is this too much to ask?

My Mums view is that im very very very lucky to be able to be a SAHM (yes i am, and its only possible because OH works so hard) and that most people who run their own buisnesses work more than OH does. (Mon - Fri 9-5) so i just have to accept it.

My view is, given that i gave up all my friends and family to move up here, with a years+ notice I should be allowed to see my family twice per year

(OH thinks i can go myself... but i dont fancy a 5 - 7 hour drive while so pregnant, and while unlikely it IS possible that i could go into labou 100+ miles from everyone i know, and its not a risk im prepared to take, also aswell as seeing my friends / family i wanted some last time together with me and OH... and i dont want to go away for a week all by myself

There are no alternative holiday dates available before baby is born either.

Im not even wanting to go "on holiday" as such Just to go and see my family

I think they should just get a temp in for a few days and get buy.... the buisness wont collapse in 4 days.... they might just get a bit behind, but its the summer, its tough is my opinion..... and perhaps next year OHs brother might think twice before allowing too many members of staff to book time off.

My husband has his own business. He often has to cancel trips away at the last minute because of work. I don't like it, but I understand why he has to do it.

As others have said, go by train and enjoy.

Can you get a quote for a car to take you - like an airport transfer service? You can stop when you want, take whatever you want (within reason!) and you're door to door without too much hassle. It'll probably be pricey but for your comfort and peace of mind..?

If it's a "successful business" either arrange a fixed fee taxi for the journey door to door, or fly & get taxi at the other end. If he won't drive you that's the price he has to pay. I would be livid, but what would concern me most was that he was minimising and dismissing my concerns. He may well have to work, that's fine, but the dismissal and disrespect would worry me greatly.

Get the plane, you are PG, that is too much to drive.

Get the furniture delivered.

I am worried about 2 comments made. One that your own mother told you how lucky you are to be with him and be a SAHM, and your comment about being very very lucky to have him.

HE IS THE LUCKY ONE! Not many women are in the position where they can give up their entire lives to be with a man, to support him 100% and give up/postpone their careers to raise the children. Leave everyone and everything they know and need so that he can carry on with his life.

You need to stand your ground, starting NOW, or this entitlement or riding rough shod over your needs will grow.

Take the bare minimum and ask for help. Lots of people are too scared to offer but my experience of travelling heavily pregnant / with tiny baby and two suitcases was that if you asked politely people were more than happy to help.

If you are even a tiny bit nervous about driving I'd say train. Easier for loo breaks and less stressful!

Where are you staying at the other end? Can you ask for some extra pillows? One wedged either side and one between legs will be an okay substitute for your Genie pillow!

You can do it!

I'm comfortable driving long distances alone and even though I was huge when pregnant didn't find driving long distances that bad so would drive. Your pillow thing sounds a bit weird for an adult though. Can't you cope with someone else's pillow for a week? What happens when you go on holiday/ to b&bs etc? Can you order another pillow and have it posted to your relative's house to save carrying it?
For 1 week you shouldn't need a load of luggage and if you go by train I'd just sort out a medium sized rucksack and pack minimally and wash stuff whilst you are there. Rethink your luggage, not your holiday.

razors said what I was thinking. Lots of people have to work long unsociable hours, plenty of parents [especially mothers] have to take on the vast majority of the childcare. It's just the way things are for many families.
My ex used to work away for weeks on end and I couldn't even drive. I used to travel on the train to see my parents, pregnant and with young children.

28 days leave? He's a company owner?

Forget about any nonsense about minimum leave entitlement. He owns the company, it doesn't apply.

The company will always take priority over a holiday, sorry. The company provides your income and the employee's wages. You're going to have to suck it up, it's part of the deal of being self-employed.

His fuckup is not planning this better and not communicating with you. But get out of the mindset of thinking that he has a minimum leave entitlement. He doesn't.

TBH, I think you are overthinking it. Fly, get a taxi and you're good.
Have a word with him about the hours he is working though.

i think you should pack your bags and take the holiday. Go by train if thats better? Take a good book and relax

Def go yourself no matter what. It's rubbish that he has known for weeks and not told you.

You do both need to get this sorted for the future before the baby arrives. Good luck!

I agree that the "legal minimum" holiday entitlement only applies to employees. As your husband is self employed it's up to the partners of the company to decide in their partnership agreement how much holiday they have. Having your own business is hugely different to being an employee.
I would want to ensure that his workaholic tendencies will improve when you have the baby. If his business is really very successful he should be able to relax a bit and take more holiday. That he chooses not to is worrying.

Yes its his company..... but he is technically employed like everyone else...
he just dictates his salary.... which like everyone is the same every month and he is paid on pay day like all the others.

He is NOT self employed... just boss of company, and the company employs him too.

Have been thinking about it all day.... i AM going, and he can stay here.... there is NO point in him flying down for what will be 1 day..... it will ruin my evening if i have to collect him from the airport, cause i was going to spend that time with my (other!) cousins, one of whom has a baby due 4 weeks before me, so a nice oppertunity to catch up with other side of family... including my mum, sister, other aunts and other cousins etc.
I'll also come back 1 day later, cause i wont need to be back for Monday morning.
I'll take my car and journey will take however long it takes... by traveling weekdays in the day time its moe likely to be an 'ok' journey.

I dont normally have issues driving at all..... OH has only just passed his test (at my insistance!) but i have driven for 12 years, probably over 200,000 miles by now, and until recently i did all the driving anyway and 5 hours didnt bother me at all.
We did a 2 hour journey at the weekend, and despite being a passenger i was VERY uncomfortable, (baby just loves poking her foot under my rib) and it would be nice not to have to drive that far..... But i guess thats just tough.

I need my car there really so it means i have to drive it there.

It just makes me sad that we cant even get a week together at all in my whole entire pregnancy

Ill take my hospital notes etc... and well, if i go into labour 150 miles away from every single person i know then i'll just have to deal with it, and he can feel guilty forever!!!!

I'm pleased you are going - focus on time with your family - time with HIM will come in due course if you can establish that with him. Seriously - get him to promise you will have time away as soon as you feel like it after the baby is born.

And truly, I don't understand why you are adamant about the car - squash your pillow into a wheely case and be sensible about clothing, and then rely on taxis and mini cabs. The furniture can wait, surely? SO much more restful and comfortable.

You have focussed an awful lot on this trip - time with your DH, wanting your DH to prioritise you, wanting DH to 'pay you back' for his dereliction of previous time away, committieng to bringing furniture...

Focus on the ONE thing - seeing your family - and enjoying it.

I need my car to get to see my family and friends and fit in all the 'annual' visits etc.

where we are public transport is pretty rubbish and when im only traveling within a 5 - 10mile radius it seems mad to keep using cabs.

there are a fair few bits i want to bring up including furniture for babys room.. which i would like to be ready before baby is born! also my aunt / uncle are bringing me lots of baby stuff too that they have finished with!

As for clothing... well i have hardly anything that fits really so im forced to pack lightly lol :)

I have always looked forward to this week, every year, for as long as I can remember

journey is also quicker driving than any other method of transport.... even flying takes the same amount of door to door time as a good journey.

Why not rent a car then? And arrange for a courier to do the furniture?

I agree that technically as an employee he is entitled to his 28 days but I'm afraid it just doesn't work like that when it is your company.

And if the worst happens, and you go into labour, you won't be away from everyone you know - you'll be with your family. And being as it's your first, you are unlikely to be very quick so your OH would prob get there if he hurried.

I do understand how you feel - as I said upthread, I understand only too well - but I think you need to stop wishing things were different and instead focussing on what is.

Go. Enjoy your break and be proactive next year. Ensure his holiday is on the wallchart now. Or as soon as it arrives!

Sorry - rereading that it sounded far less supportive than I intended!

I just mean that you need to tackle the situation. It's pretty rough - yes. But that is the nature of owning your own company. TBH you are v lucky he works the hours he does (which I know you've already mentioned).

Good luck - enjoy your stay.

Break your journey up, book a motel on the way (maybe in a nice little town that you could have a nice potter round) and then it's only 2 x 2 1/2 hours which should be manageable. I did quite a bit of travelling at around that stage of pregnancy, and yes it was uncomfortable but I managed.

Forget the furniture. Get it sent. Take the train. If you only have to cross London, get a cab or a bus rather than the tube if you don't fancy it. Or time your journey so it's not peak hour - it's REALLY not that bad (I only stopped work in central London at 38+4 weeks and took the tube at peak hour every day). Sign up to streetcar and you can have a car available whenever you need it.

But do go, and enjoy your time with your family.

YADNBU to be upset with your DH, BTW, but you're going to have to let it go.

So yr Dh is 'boss' not owner?
What about BIL? Owner?
Who's running the business really?

Put it this way, don't expect 28days paternity leave for your DH later on. That's all I'm saying.....

if it makes a difference OH owns 51% BIL owns 49%. They both consider themselves equal top bosses though

paternity leave is 2 weeks (10 days) and he is having every single one. NOT negotiable (unless major unforseen circumstance such as BIL being hit by a bus etc)

As it turns out OH has never actually mentioned any time off to his brother in the whole entire year it has been "arranged", so is actually not BILs fault at all... cause he is not psycic.

My idea of a yearly wall planner where everyone can record their booked holiday did not go down well either.....

and having 4 days off (extra to bank holidays) in my whole 9 months pregnant is alot apparently.... and pointing out that he is having 15 days holiday off this year, 11 of which his company is closed anyway, also didnt go down well..... its a LOT. (at least last year he had 24 /25 days i think (inc bank hols)

He has NEVER had a day off sick, no i lie, he did when he had appendicitus and his appendix burst and he eventually had to go to hospital as they went infected inside him.... Even last year.... when he was hit by a car (on his bike) on way home from work, he didnt have a day off

yes i think he must be a work a holic and im just gonna have to go with it.

I think the wall year planner sounds good. Or a central diary.

But OP when you run your own business, you have no holiday "entitlement" - it just doesn't work like that. YOu need to change your mind set :(

Actually, I think this is pretty shitty of him. You have given up loads of stufff that matters to you (like being near your family and friends) for his convenience. And in return he can't even sort out booking a week's holiday, even when given an entire year's notice? FGS, that is pathetic! He needs to get himself organised. I suspect he's being all sulky about it because deep down he realises this.

Lots of people will say that you just have to accept this sort of thing when people run their own companies, but IMO you actually don't. Efficient people are efficient, full-stop. If he can organise his work life, he is capable of organising his home life too (i.e. actually bothering to book time off). I seriously doubt he pulls this kind of stunt with his clients. So why should you, his pregnant wife, be the only one suck it up? Kick up the arse time methinks...

His tax situation sounds strange, if he and his brother own the company then I would have thought they would be self employed. Saying they are employed by the company is a nonsense if they are the company. I would expect him to be paying tax twice a year on a profit share not getting a PAYE salary. It sounds very bizarre. I suspect as far as the IR go they are self employed even if they choose to take a fixed amount of money each month.

Nope they are definitely employed.... and pay themselves in salary + dividends for tax effiicient reasons.

All the staff are "employed", the accountants deal with it. He gets his payslips, P45 (or is it p60) like everyone else too