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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i dont think i am... I am SOOO upset

77 replies

nannyl · 13/07/2011 21:37

I am currently nearly 32 weeks pregnant.

OH & his brother run their own (very successful) company, and a couple of years ago I moved up here with OH. (having just signed a 5 year deal he could not move, down to me I could, so I did)
His family all live within a 10 mins drive (many 10 min walk) and they are all really lovely. I couldnt ask for nicer "in laws"
To be here I moved 5 hours away from my family (who i am also very very close to) so clearly now i dont get to see them very often at all... which is part of the sacrifice i made when i moved!

Every year, for ever, my aunt / uncle / cousins (who live aborad) come over for a week in the summer. Always the same week (my mums birthday week)

This week has been booked into our diary since last year, and at 33 weeks pg we planned to do the 5 hour trip down south 1 last time, before baby comes, so i could see my family, and drive back at 34 weeks.

This is been booked for a year

Tonight OH comes home to tell me that "sorry he cant come anymore, as his brother has given other staff the same time off" Shock Not only that but he has known for weeks and hasnt told me Shock Shock. And since having holiday agreed, his other staff have booked their holidays abroad, and they will be so understaffed that OH simply has to work and cant get time off.
(we are talking 4 days where he is "needed")

Now I am really quite upset....

  1. I only ask for us to see my family for 2 weeks a year... this week in the summer, and a week around Xmas or New Year. (we do 1 Xmas here, then new year away, and the following year Xmas away and New year here)

He gets to see his family all the time.... and we see them pretty much every week (which is fine, i love them, they are all great).... But i miss my family too and these 2 trips a year mean a LOT to me.

Given that i am so pregnant its not really possible to go at any other time either...
the 5 hour journey can often be 7 hours when traffic is bad.... and as im planning a home birth i HAVE to be here from 37 weeks.... not 5+ hours drive away!

OH NEVER takes enough holiday (which really irritates me... Although he runs his own company he is "employed" by his company, yet last year didnt even have his legal minimum 28 days holiday.
We were supposed to have 1 week together in June which was cancelled (was too busy at work) but i let it go knowing we still had this week together in July.

Now that has been cancelled to.

Also my Dad is very poorly (mentally ill after a stroke) and this week we are there, his carer is also on holiday... no problem, im around and can see and look after and help him.... but now i cant Shock

I dont wanna fly heavily pregnant (and not practical as i will have no car at other end)

I just want a few days together with OH before we have a baby who will be with us for the rest of our lives!

Is this too much to ask?

My Mums view is that im very very very lucky to be able to be a SAHM (yes i am, and its only possible because OH works so hard) and that most people who run their own buisnesses work more than OH does. (Mon - Fri 9-5) so i just have to accept it.

My view is, given that i gave up all my friends and family to move up here, with a years+ notice I should be allowed to see my family twice per year Sad

(OH thinks i can go myself... but i dont fancy a 5 - 7 hour drive while so pregnant, and while unlikely it IS possible that i could go into labou 100+ miles from everyone i know, and its not a risk im prepared to take, also aswell as seeing my friends / family i wanted some last time together with me and OH... and i dont want to go away for a week all by myself

There are no alternative holiday dates available before baby is born either.

Im not even wanting to go "on holiday" as such Just to go and see my family

I think they should just get a temp in for a few days and get buy.... the buisness wont collapse in 4 days.... they might just get a bit behind, but its the summer, its tough is my opinion..... and perhaps next year OHs brother might think twice before allowing too many members of staff to book time off.

OP posts:
LovelyDaffs · 13/07/2011 22:22

I do understand why you're cross with him, but I'm afraid it's all part of owning your own company. You benefit from it too and I hate to say it, but be prepared for it to continue after you have the baby. My dh has his own company, he adores me and the dcs and I know he'd rather be here then anywhere else, but he often simply can't. He's missed lots of sports days, parents evenings etc. The last time we saw him was early on Monday morning and he'll be back about midnight tonight. If your dh works 9-5, but doesn't take all his holiday then I'd say you're doing well.

Get the train.

MogandMe · 13/07/2011 22:24

Nanny L have you considered the train option?

blackeyedsusan · 13/07/2011 22:25

personally, I would be going to see my parents. leave a day early and stay over night in a hotel half way? and then I would be too tired to come back.... until he sorts out his priorities. seems like you are not one of them.

CurrySpice · 13/07/2011 22:28

susanthat's just silly and over-dramatic Hmm

daffs is right - running your own business is't like being employed and you ave to be flexible / make sacrifices, especially when the business is young

I feel for you OP though. You should still go - it's doable :)

Original poster
nannyl · 13/07/2011 22:35

thinking about train....

normally id have no problem with it.... i have no issues with trains / London etc etc Smile

I just dont fancy London underground with all my stuff..... i NEED my dream geni pillow (to sleep) and just that is rather a lot to lug across London, + Im not very good at traveling light!
Car needs to get there somehow... i have some bits of furniture that im planning to bring home too and no way can i take any of that on train or plane

OP posts:
Original poster
nannyl · 13/07/2011 22:37

LovelyDaffs you are right....

Whilst the perks are fab, it has huge down sides too.... like now.. Sad

OP posts:
razors · 13/07/2011 22:39

I agree with lovelydaffs - you are going to have to get used to this sort of thing if your oh is running his own business - you are going to have to learn to stand on your own two feet and become a bit more independent - stop feeling sorry for yourself and go by yourself.

HipHopOpotomus · 13/07/2011 22:40

Blimey I hope he gas learnt enough so he won't do this again!

Can you get the train? I agree with the person who said take your notes and go!! Enjoy your family for the week - you'll just be at hone stewing and feeling likeyou are missing out if you stay at home.

CurrySpice · 13/07/2011 22:41

In that case OP I refer you to my 22:19 post. It's the least he can do!

HipHopOpotomus · 13/07/2011 22:42

Train and taxi - forget the tube!

iggagog · 13/07/2011 22:44

I'm not sure things will change after you've had the baby - you say he will take his full holiday entitlement - why should he do it then?

If there is an option of hiring a temp I would insist on that. What more notice can you give than a full year?
But then I'm not particularly understanding of "the business comes first" approach.

manticlimactic · 13/07/2011 22:45

Can you not miss the NCT? Then DH can drive you down.

Jux · 13/07/2011 22:48

Hire a car at your parents' end and fly/train down.

Or you could just stamp your foot and insist he takes his time, it was booked before everyone else's, he nearly did this to you last year blah blah blah.

Even if he's only just passed his test, you could let him drive you down, stay the night and get up very early to come back or something. I think you might have to be a bit flexible about how you do this. Perhaps he could take the time but work out of the office? Take a laptop/phone etc? He'll be there, but not there, as it were.

hairfullofsnakes · 13/07/2011 22:50

You keep putting obstacles in your way. Deal with the situation you have, forget the furniture and lugging loads of things with you - book a train and taxi or plane and hire a car at the other end. This is the solution to the situation as it is so deal with it!

Original poster
nannyl · 13/07/2011 22:54

Not really the solution....

Id like some TIME with OH before baby comes and me being at the other end of the country to him, doesnt really help!!!

OK id get to see my family (which is also what id like too) but it pissed me off how i always see his family,,, and do all the family dinners / events up here etc etc all year, yet he wont do the same for me, even with 1 years notice.

OP posts:
iggagog · 13/07/2011 23:15

Ok. Make it clear to him that driving yourself, train etc will not work because the real issue is about him being with you.

hairfullofsnakes · 13/07/2011 23:21

Then put your foot down and sit down with him and tell him things change now. Be serious about it and be prepared to accept the consequences if he doesn't change?

biscuitmad · 13/07/2011 23:26

My dp works for his dad. At work they have a board and a diary and we have had many holidays cancelled, due to a shortage of staff. I think he only had 15 days off last year, it drives me mad.

You are going to have to get tough. You havent seen your family why should you miss out? Once the baby arrives everything changes so go. Book your train ticket. Then call your relatives and get someone to pick you up at the train station.

Use a suitcase on wheels and put your hospital notes inside, just incase. When your dp gets home from work leave the ticket on the table and say Im going without you. I would ask you to drop me off and pick me up, but I cant rely on you. However if you want to give me cab fare that would be great.

Oh my the way next year we will have a baby and you not taking this time off for me to see my family is non negiotable. If you dont understand that then you must be stupid and leave the room. He needs to think about what his done.

Just think whilst your with your family. He will come home to an empty house and will be lonely. Dont calll him just send a text to say you arrived okay. He needs to make calls to you and make it up to you. Be tough its the only way it will improve. If you let him walk all over you, then future holidays will always end up being cancelled.

I now know what I'm buying for my fil at Christmas a great big wall planner to be put up at work for holidays. I might only get one cancelled next year.

For me I wait until we go to his parents house and then I tell his dad Ive booked up or want to and give the dates. And then ask him to check and let me now. And then I nag him everytime I see him till he does it. Its hard work but its improving,

Gentleness · 13/07/2011 23:38

YANBU. Whether or not he owns the company and works hard, he should listen to your needs and if he isn't doing, you need to know you can manage anyway.

I know it may be frustrating to have to forget your furniture and all your plans, but find a way to make as much as possible happen, however much it costs (in £, time and stress for you), and present him with an itemised "bill". A courier can do furniture. List what you'd want to take with you so he can see how hard it would be to carry. First class train travel would be soooo much nicer - if he thinks the cost is unreasonable, agree to compromise if he does something to make it up to you. You need a vehicle while you are down there. How much is car hire? Make the costs clear. Compare them with the cost of a temp even.

And enlist help with this too - ask your bil to ensure you and dh get 2 days off together before the baby arrives. I would sob to his mum - she's been there with pregnancy! Hopefully she'll be an advocate for you.

SouthStar · 13/07/2011 23:46

Id be putting my foot firmly down.
Looking at it from his pov it seems as tho he is maybe taking seeing the family for granted. When you see your nearest and dearest every day and they are just around the corner you dont think what it would be like to not have that luxury.
I havent seen my dad since the new yr so I totally understand how upset you are especially with him being ill.
Find an alternative way to get there, train etc.... first class of course. Enjoy the time with your family

Original poster
nannyl · 14/07/2011 09:05

Yes,
I havent said a word to OH since last night Sad and he has now gone to work.

Im thinking i should go down somehow, or else im cutting off my nose despite my face....

Probably extra upset as ive been quite poorly with HG and we were going to go away around valentines / OH birthday.... but i was in hospital and was very very sick so we couldnt / didnt do anything at all.

I had a family event in March which i was planning on doing by myself anyway, but was still too sick to go anywhere

We also went down south to see my family over Easter (friends wedding so had to go) My grandparents were not there (they had gone to stay with my cousins) and while we were there our car broke down, so we had no car, so couldnt do half the stuff we had planned.... and OH had to fly back on the Sunday, because he had to be back for work..... was all very stressful as it didnt look like id make it back for the royal wedding bank holiday weekend (a blissful 4 days IN A ROW together Smile but thankfully garage got the part and fixed it and i made it back on the Thursday.

Of course thats all just circumstances and not OH' fault either, one of those things, but i feel like this year, all of our plans are failing for whatever reason, and i think thats why im so genuinely upset Sad

Oh how it would be lovely to go away when baby is a few weeks old.... but thats "Xmas rush time" and "he cant possibly have a whole week off then" Hmm

This year INCLUDING 9 bank holidays, a grand total of 14 days off... of which we have been together for 12 & a half.....

OP posts:
PanicMode · 14/07/2011 09:13

What a difficult situation - but I think you should go by yourself and have some lovely time with your family, by yourself. Is there a sibling/cousin or someone who could come and pick you up perhaps? (My father did this for me when I was 8 months pg - drove me and the other DCs from Kent to Somerset and back because DH couldn't get time off).

On your return, book a weekend away for you and your OH in a lovely hotel before the baby. It's not ideal, but at least you would have some time together away from home.

I can see how disappointing it is, but given it is what it is, you have to make the best of it!

Original poster
nannyl · 14/07/2011 09:21

yes
i think i need to go..... and look on the bright side

I get to see him for 2 days every weekend and he doesnt normally need to go away, and he does generally work 9 - 5 ( between 8ish / 6ish on the busiest of days) and so many people would give anything to be able to see their OH for all that time every week.

  • he only works a mile away so is only out of house 8.55 - 5.05 ish and im very very lucky in that sense too.
  • he is good to me, and always trys to do whatever to make me happy.

He's not that bad really.

next dilemma... train for 7 hours and london underground by myself 8months pg with a load of luggage
or dare to attempt the drive? and hope traffic is ok, and just stop as many times as i want / need to,

OP posts:
GandTiceandaslice · 14/07/2011 09:26

Fly or get the train. Get a taxi through London if you get the train.

You need to sort out some ground rules before the baby comes or he'll end up working all the hours & you'll be stuck with the baby all the time.

He needs to have a home life as well.

oohjarWhatsit · 14/07/2011 09:30

train for 7 hours and london underground by myself 8months pg with a load of luggage

did that loads of times - and afterwards with one baby and one toddler

strangers are remarkably helpful - I never once went without half a dozen people, usually men, offering help