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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little miffed at MIL's attitude towards ds's reluctance to sleep at her house on Friday night?

103 replies

DrNortherner · 12/07/2011 21:59

Ds is 9 and a bit of a home boy. Dh and I go out together rarely, if we do he prefers a sitter to come to our house. He is not a kid who enjoys sleeping over at other peoples houses. On Fri dh and I are off to the theatre and I called MIL to ask if she would babysit. She said yes, but she prefers him to go to hers so he can sleep there and she can go to bed at her usual time of 9.30pm.

Anyway, MIl had him for 1 hour today whilst I went to running club and when I got back she told me he had agreed to sleep at hers. Ds piped up 'Wel I think I will, I might change my mind, I'm not sure' MIL sent him out of the room and told me that I should not allow him to change his mind and this reluctance is ridiculous and that I should put my foot down. She said 'I am his Grandmother not some random stranger'

Now I know she is right, she is not a stranger, but, it doesn't sit right with me forcing him to sleep somewhere if he doesn't want/need to.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Allinabinbag · 12/07/2011 22:43

I completely see why your DH feels like he does, but I wonder if in fact it's playing into your son's fears about staying away a bit, and he's a home-body because of that. My dd1 is a home-body too, so I don't say that in a nasty way, but I know that's because I don't like travelling and staying away, so I have gone out of my way to make it ok for her to do so (and my husband thinks I'm ridiculous to pass this along as he has plans for them going around the world). I don't think you should push him if genuinely upset, but if he's a bit wavering, I would absolutely encourage him to go, indeed not present it as a choice and once they are there, they are usually fine.

LittleMissFlustered · 12/07/2011 22:44

Curses! Right, you can put a beacon on mother in law's roof, which will attract aliens. Aliens will abduct somebody for the night, meaning that there will be at least one room/spaceship per person. Job done [hgrin]

LittleMissFlustered · 12/07/2011 22:46

Removing tongue from cheek. My spawnlets are lucky in that they have bunk beds in the spare room/computer room at my mum and dad's house. My younger one doesn't like sleeping out for more than one night at a time though. He too likes his own bed:)

cory · 12/07/2011 22:47

Agree with others that the way he answered was not polite. If he'd said he didn't want to, I'd be fine with that, but he seems to be saying "Ah, I don't know what I might fancy, I can just keep everybody hanging on until I deign to make up my mind".

youarekidding · 12/07/2011 23:01

For me its the 'I may change my mind'. Obviously I don't know you or your DS but it reads like a child who has too much control - maybe that's how your MIL saw it? I'm not saying he does btw the way but allowing for generational differences ( and I'm even thinking back to when I was younger and I'm only 30!) my Mum told me what was happening - I never got a chance to say anything to the contury (sp?) She thinks I give my DS too much choice when I ask him what he fancies for dinner Grin

BTW enjoy the theatre and I''m Envy

Original poster
DrNortherner · 12/07/2011 23:03

Yes good point.

OP posts:
wotabouttheworkers · 12/07/2011 23:04

If you are unhappy about him going to granny and she is unhappy to sleep at your house, maybe you should get a babysitter. If you are unhappy about that, too for some reason perhaps you shouldn't go out at all. Someone is going to be unhappy - you have the power to choose who that should be. Parenthood! Don't you just love it? On the other hand, it is important for you and your OH to have time together. If you can, enjoy your evening.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/07/2011 23:07

I agree with everything Laurie has written.

In reneging on what he had told his dg, your ds sounds rude and also a tad manipulative.

Your ds shouldn't be allowed to dictate terms on an issue such as this, and he needs to learn that once he's agreed to something he's required to follow through.

IMO your mil acted properly in sending your ds out of the room in order that she could express a view to you that she didn't want him to hear.

As your mil observed she's not a random stranger and, from what you have said, your ds has stayed over with her before.

Drop your ds off at his gran's on Friday, have a great night out, and enjoy a lie-in on Saturday morning.

cat64 · 12/07/2011 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WinkyWinkola · 12/07/2011 23:29

I think mil could have been more discreet about talking to the op rather than sending the child out of the room.

And does your DS know you could get a baby sitter instead Dr N? If so then could it be a case of him just preferring to stay at home? Not such a crime that if it's the case.

2rebecca · 12/07/2011 23:29

I think age 9 is starting to get a bit old for sleeping in grannie's room and I think the nights at grannies will be coming to an end unless she decides to share a bedroom with her friend so they have a spare bedroom (which is unlikely as they'd be doing that already in that case).
I can understand her not being keen to babysit if she goes to bed at 9.30. Looks like you need to sort out a sitter for the future.

perpetualsucker · 12/07/2011 23:31

Get a baby sitter instead. He doesn't want to go to her and she doesn't want to come to you.

FabbyChic · 12/07/2011 23:31

For me my children have always come first, so if I went out they were babysat at home where they were most comfortable with their own things in their own surroundings, in their own beds.

CurrySpice · 12/07/2011 23:35

Or perhaps fabby some children find going to stay at granny's / friends / on brownie camp / school trips to be a big treat. Mine do

razzlebathbone · 12/07/2011 23:38

Hmm difficult one. I loved my grandparents so much but hated staying over because I was a sensitive child and was scared shitless in a strange bed and imagined all sorts of ghosts etc. Stupid stuff but I really did feel awful.

If you think he'll probably be ok then I'd force it this once and see how he goes. But I wouldn't force him in future if it really upsets him.

frazzled74 · 12/07/2011 23:40

You need a break sometimes, he is lucky to have a loving grandparent to stay with and in a few years he will probably cherish the memories. I will probably be flamed but i think that children are sometimes given too much choice and involvement in decisions and plans these days, dont give him the option! just say" WE ARE GOING OUT TONIGHT AND YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A LOVELY TIME WITH GRANNY, TOMORROW ,WE WILL DO SOMETHING NICE TOGETHER"

harecare · 12/07/2011 23:49

Your MIL is right. You either choose to get a sitter or you make the decision that he will go to Grandma's. Once it has been decided that he will go you coat it in honey and make sure he is happy to go, if he has agreed to it you can't just let him change his mind willy nilly.
Asking DS to leave the room to discuss it with you was quite a respectful thing to do really.
My elder DD sometimes says she doesn't want to go to GPs, but she has such a lovely time that she then doesn't want to leave. If I changed plans every time the whim took her she would get no consistency at all.

Morloth · 13/07/2011 06:03

It is a bit 'take it or leave it' really.

Why not just hire a sitter so he can stay at home.

I have to say random waiter guy would be enough to make me reconsider having my DS stay there anyway.

HerRoyalNotness · 13/07/2011 06:36

I agree morloth about the friend. Maybe He is nervous about that too?

I wouldn't make a child stay over somewhere they didn't want to even if is gran's. If they're not comfortable, they should have a choice I'm that. I was a child that could never say what I was thinking/feeling and would be easily railroaded by a gran in this situation.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/07/2011 06:43

It's funny, I read "I might change my mind" as "I want an out if I get shy and decide that I'm uncomfortable with sleeping in Granny's room" - not rude, more nervous that he's going to be locked into a situation that he then hates.

I'd have loathed sleeping in my gran's room at nine, tbh, although that might be because we didn't have a close or comfortable relationship. And the Filipino waiter bloke situation doesn't help.

Fabby, are you saying that you went out and left your children with sitters? Well I am shocked frankly, why have them then?

HerRoyalNotness · 13/07/2011 06:48

I took it the same way tortoise. Imagine the poor lad getting upset in the night and wanting to go home and his gran saying, no I've made your camp bed, now you can lay in it. I'd be beside myself.

Of course, he could have a perfectly lovely time too. Only the OP knows if it is a good idea to make him stay over

imnobody · 13/07/2011 07:11

How come a 9 year old is wrong on his grandmas eyes for bot wanting to sleep in a different bed but she doesn't like sleeping in a different bed either. If its something so normal that a child can sleep anywhere so can she to set an example.

imnobody · 13/07/2011 07:13

Excuse spelling mistakes I am on iPod at work and people keep interrupting me Grin

frillyflower · 13/07/2011 09:04

'Well I think I will, I might change my mind, I'm not sure'

Very rude! I would have been really cross if one of my children had spoke to their grannie like that.

And if I had been the grannie I would have said I might be changing my mind too!

2rebecca · 13/07/2011 09:05

I'm surprised alot of people have grandparents with no spare rooms. My grandparents remained in the houses my parents grew up in and my kids grandparents are still in the houses we grew up in. I think of small granny flats as for frail elderly grandparents who wouldn't be up to babysitting anyway.