to be struggling with Aspergers husband?

[CareyHunt]

Mr Hunt I have 3 dc's. Ds2 was diagnosed with Aspergers years ago, at which point we all realised Dh has it too!

He is lovely. I am enormously lucky and grateful, and our relationship is, by and large, a good one. However, there are some aspects of the relationship which I am finding increasingly difficult.

Mr Hunt is NEVER enthusiastic about anything. The gushiest he gets is to describe something as 'fine'. This applies to....our children singing/playing music etc in public in a way which makes me cry with pride, our wedding day, our home, every meal we have, every holiday/ outing...basically all of our lives. He has very straightforward needs, and beyond those cannot see the point of anything extra...ie.nice walks, picnics, pets of any kind,more dc's , anything! He sees all these things as 'needless hassle'.

He also struggles enormously with conversations that aren't about concrete things...you know the kind of thing...when you are on holiday and you say 'Oooh, imagine if we moved here, we could live in that cottage, I'd work in the restaurant', knowing it's not true, but he'll say 'Well, the council tax would be very high and there is no decent public transport' or something!

We also have no way to resolve conflict because he will not discuss anything. He does not believe in compromise, believing that it just leaves one party dissatisfied, and does not apologise because 'it doesn't change anything'.

I know I sound like a whinger, and I do know how lucky I am in other ways, so please don't flame me! I also know that this stuff isn't his fault.

I just feel really lonely, as if we have no shared experience. I love him so much, but I fear that his being with me is more a rational decision that a heart one. I need top tips on how to phrase things in a way that he will understand, and maybe a bit of a shoulder to cry on when it all gets a bit much.

Sorry for rambling.

jeckadeck is really fucking offensive about autism. No it cant be knocked out of someone, no its not because they have been indulged, no suffererers cannot take steps to become less autistic. Fuck off

ah i didnt see this was a zombie thread, how annoying.

People can have Aspergers and be arseholes, but they aren't arseholes because they have Aspergers.

I have 2 children (also probably a mother) with HF ASD diagnosed. They are sweet and kind and very well mannered. They find the world overwhelming, have trouble navigating social interaction, they have lots of issues with inappropriate reactions but not because they are selfish. Ds gives me hugs regularly, they are a bit stiff but full of caring and a wanting to be close, dd is like a clumsy puppy she will hug and knock you over or stand on your foot but she loves as deeply as any other child, it is just differently expressed.

I understand the dissonance between the loving relationships we see around us and depicted in films and books and the ones we have with someone with autism. They are different but they don't have to be unfulfilling. I am pretty sure my mother would get a diagnosis of ASD - she has the same black and white thinking, oddly formal speech, slow processing and extreme social anxiety and awkwardness I see in my children in varying degrees. Mum had a life time of being told to 'cheer up it might never happen', A lifetime of depression. I am pretty sure feeling at odds with the world and depressed and out of sync caused more issues than being autistic. That is why she is difficult and lonely. A better understanding of herself and from her peers/ family/ professionals around her as a child would have helped her grow up with more self esteem and less damaged life skills. And healthier personal relationships, that is why early diagnosis is positive from my point of view. Though I think if mum gets diagnosed at 66 it will still be helpful!

I sympathise with people trying to make sense of their partners, armchair diagnosis only goes so far though before you have to let the person you are analysing have their say. They may feel underappreciated, misunderstood or alienated by being the focus of the 'problem' a little less diagnosing and more empathy on both sides is probably more useful. Or take the AQ10 and go to the gp.

I feel for you. After DTD1 was diagnosed with ASD, a whole hell of a lot of her dad's behaviour started to make sense. He quite obviously has Aspergers.

DTD1 was phsically hurt by her dad, and while talking to the police she said she was hurt and very scared of him, but during the whole interview she was completely matter of fact and didn't show any emotion. It was so strange to watch. Because I know my child I knew she was terrified because of what had happened, but to a casual observer it would seem like it hadn't affected her at all. We can be planning something and DTD2 will be literally jumping up and down with excitement, but if I ask DTD1 if she's excited, I'll just get a deadpan: Yes.

It's the way their brains are wired, and they simply cannot understand 'normal' behaviour/responses. If he really has ASD (and it sound like he has), then you can't change that. Nobody can. It's a choice of either accept it and live with it, or decide you can't, and leave. One of the hardest things to accept is that that's just the way they are, and no matter how much you wish they were different, it's not going to happen, because they're not capable of it.