to be struggling with Aspergers husband?

[CareyHunt]

Mr Hunt I have 3 dc's. Ds2 was diagnosed with Aspergers years ago, at which point we all realised Dh has it too!

He is lovely. I am enormously lucky and grateful, and our relationship is, by and large, a good one. However, there are some aspects of the relationship which I am finding increasingly difficult.

Mr Hunt is NEVER enthusiastic about anything. The gushiest he gets is to describe something as 'fine'. This applies to....our children singing/playing music etc in public in a way which makes me cry with pride, our wedding day, our home, every meal we have, every holiday/ outing...basically all of our lives. He has very straightforward needs, and beyond those cannot see the point of anything extra...ie.nice walks, picnics, pets of any kind,more dc's , anything! He sees all these things as 'needless hassle'.

He also struggles enormously with conversations that aren't about concrete things...you know the kind of thing...when you are on holiday and you say 'Oooh, imagine if we moved here, we could live in that cottage, I'd work in the restaurant', knowing it's not true, but he'll say 'Well, the council tax would be very high and there is no decent public transport' or something!

We also have no way to resolve conflict because he will not discuss anything. He does not believe in compromise, believing that it just leaves one party dissatisfied, and does not apologise because 'it doesn't change anything'.

I know I sound like a whinger, and I do know how lucky I am in other ways, so please don't flame me! I also know that this stuff isn't his fault.

I just feel really lonely, as if we have no shared experience. I love him so much, but I fear that his being with me is more a rational decision that a heart one. I need top tips on how to phrase things in a way that he will understand, and maybe a bit of a shoulder to cry on when it all gets a bit much.

Sorry for rambling.

Jan.

I am that nagging harridan.

Between him and DS I spend alot of time feeling like a care worker / therapist.

I don't know what else to do other than train him though....if I don't he'll just become more and more withdrawn, I'll suffer, the kids will suffer, and everyone around will think he's really rude.

It's exhausting though. Amongst all the other stuff, he has these constant issues at work, and I try to go through different techniques/ ways of putting things etc. with him to help him get his point across. We practice for ages, and then he'll come home and he'll have somehow nearly said what we talked about, but with some subtle change that turns it into something really offensive and rude!

I know what you mean, I didn't feel able to NOT show him/tell him what was "appropriate" etc. It gets so frustrating doesn't it. I felt any progress made was a huge step, even when he nodded at something a friend was saying and said "yes I know what you mean". I felt like cheering it was such a huge difference to interrupting. I do feel for you, it's hard.

I know he felt hugely frustrated with himself at times and very lonely at times. I think he found this website helpful. Even reading the posts on the forum yourself will give you an insight into how it must be from the other side, although some of it is a bit mad/unhelpful (they sometimes seem to wind each other up) so maybe vet it before you show it to him! www.wrongplanet.net/

You need to remember that he does love you though, his wiring is just a bit different. That doesn't make it any easier but it's some consolation I hope! Remeber the many amazing things about him. You sound like a brilliant wife and mother.

Thing is Aspergers/Autism IS a form of brain damage. People with ASD have different brains.

Some are able to be Emulators, some not. So whilst we DO show our children consequences of their actions they don't always learn from them, it's the nature of their particular Autism.

I have to deal with all aspects of budgeting, paperwork and any important phone calls. Anything to do with the kids' education, anything that means dealing with people.

When DH was at work I also had to deal with work issues for him too.

He just can't deal with these things and ends up losing his temper because he can't cope.

campergirls

You have no idea how encouraging that little glimpse of a possible future is. I am very prepared to stick things out if I think that things will improve somewhat. It is still relatively early days, about 20 months after the accident. He hasn't started CBT, but it is probably on the cards. He hasn't had any therapy yet, it took so long just to diagnose. Now we are waiting for the diagnosing specialist's referral to start rehab, but we have been waiting 7 months already. Arrggh!!!

Glitterknickaz- yep, you have described life with DH, except with brain damage and not aspergers.

Atilla funnily enough we have considered that. She largely fits the profile for that too!

I suppose AS would be a preferable condition!

This thread's mad

You've all decided your DH has Aspergers and now you're struggling with it?

Is he not the same man he was before you decided to diagnose him?

FWIW, your OP describes many people I know and to the best of my knowledge they don't have Aspergers or anything else.

I assume most people made the 'diagnosis' as a consequence of struggling with certain behaviours, not the other way round

worraliberty

I guess when struggling to cope with difficult behavior of their DH, unlike what seems to be the majority of mumsnet at times, some of these wives decide to understand possible causes for shitty behaviour, instead of simply throwing up their hands and saying "what a tosspot cunt, thats it, I can't be having it, me and the kids are going back to mums".

phew, long sentence. There has to be a way of breaking down those clauses.

worraliberty well in my case it's my mum and she's been like it all my life.

She has said that the more she learns about it, the more she suspects she has AS but only recently.

Until my 30s I thought it was me and that I deserved her callous, insensitive, derisive remarks, that she thought so little of me and I disgusted her so much that she couldn't keep her thoughts to herself.

She is rude to me and DH, rude to my children, rude to my brother and SIL, rude to people she doesn't know ("I'm not going to say hello to you, I don't know who you are").

I phone her up "Hi mum, it's me how are you?" And she proceeds to detail exactly how she is for 20 mins before saying "I'm going now" and puts the phone down. She never asks after me/DH/children.

If someone is telling her something, she just starts talking over them. She totally misreads conversational cues and doesn't have conversation so if I start to tell her something she responds with a loosely related anecdote so all conversations are simply an exchange of fact.

I am having a tough time at the moment and made the mistake of trying to talk to her about it. Years ago, I would have thought she just didn't care, but I realised she didn't even realise I was upset about what I was telling her. (My dad is terminally ill and been having anxiety symptoms for a few weeks).

She is very good at her job and very well respected at work for her efficiency and the fact that she can see solutions to problems that no one else can.

She flirts with people and says other inappropriate things because she misinterprets them.

If I tell a white lie to someone and she overhears she feels compelled to correct me - thus embarrassing me and upsetting them.

She doesn't have a dx but to have one would make her easier to be around. Because if she doesn't have AS then I just have to accept that my mum is a rude, selfish, inconsiderate, insensitive, nasty piece of work and, frankly, I'd rather believe she has a SN.

Sorry this is so long. I've had my brother on email all morning about something she said to him at the weekend that has upset him.

Worraliberty.

I didn't DECIDE my DH had Aspergers based soley on the info in my OP.
Do you also know 'many people' who remember the registration numbers of every car they, or any member of their family/ social group have ever owned?
Do you also know 'many people' who tell you that they find it impossible to both look at someone and hear the words they are saying at the same time?
Do you know 'many people' who are so sensitive to certain lights/ noises that they find it physically painful to be in some places, or who have uncontrollable physical tics when nervous? Do these people also have a strong family history of confirmed Dx of a genetic disability? Those are (some) of the reasons I believe my Dh has AS. I have also, as I said in a previous post, spoken to a consultant psychiatrist regarding our ( yes OUR...my DH also believes he has AS) theory, and had the probability confirmed.

I care for a child who has a confirmed Dx of AS....I know what it looks like.
I also know that very little can be done after Dx, so it seems a fairly pointless exercise for Dh.

Yes, he IS the same man. In some ways that is entirely the point....He's ALWAYS the same man. In most relationships do you not think that things develop, and that people become emotionally closer? Well, that's what I expected to happen.

That's why I'm struggling. I'm struggling because I love my husband and I don't EVER want to give up on my marriage, so I am trying to understand what motivates a man I love and respect but do not always understand.
I think it's the right thing to do, but that doesn't stop it being hard.

Worral, I think the OP is only wanting to discuss her husband and get a bit of support, she's not slagging him off or wanting to leave him, she's just finding it a bit tough and people are sharing their experiences with her to help her. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. She's allowed to say she is struggling.

And it's allowed some of us to 'voice' our own concerns that we don't normally do.

This thread makes me sad. Knowing I could be appearing like this to others.
But if it helps, perceptions are vastly different if you have AS. I'll think that I'm being warm because I'm making such an effort to communicate and because being warm naturally is virtually impossible. But the two things don't necessarily equate and I have people coming up to me later asking me if I was all right earlier, if they'd done anything etc etc.
I've also had enough of trying to pick up behaviours and then using them badly. I suppose it looks put on. Or something else, maybe.

But just bear the perceptions thing in mind, because it makes a big difference.

Itisnearlysummer

re your comment to me:-

"Atilla funnily enough we have considered that. She largely fits the profile for that too!
I suppose AS would be a preferable condition!"

Its when you described her lack of empathy that made me think narcissist. BTW these people are completely averse to therapy and do not do well in such.

I still think you are unfortunately going to have to face the awful possibility that your mother has a narcissistic personality much as you do not want to and denial is a powerful force.

BTW these types of people all love medical issues, my BIL told us all he only had 16 weeks to live some years ago (yep he's still here) and associated drama. He is a complete and utter fantasist. Read the website called "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and see if you relate to any of the content.

My BIL is very similar to the profile you gave of your mother and he is defiantely narcissistic. They truly have no empathy and can also reserve the most hurt for all around them.

And something someone else said- processing issues. I guess when an NT person talks to someone, they hear a bit of background noise, they see the person in front of them and they hear the voice and the words and thoughts come up and it's all separate. When you're autistic, it all rushes in at once tenfold and lots more- little details and everything detracts from everything else. Too many frogs in a basket. Sometimes my hearing's just gone when I was talking to someone because it's hard to concentrate on everything, or my sight went all weird and wobbly. Sort of like if you're deaf you might have awfully good sight, except my hearing/sight stays normal (or hypersensitive) while my sight/hearing goes to pot. If you also have remember funny little things to say and check them to make sure that they're funny to your audience, too, it's hard to try and mimic a normal person.

You might encourage him to pause before speaking. I don't often do this, I just blurt things out because I know people are waiting, but just in the house, perhaps?

For balanceand just for background info (not answering any post in particular), I'm on the autism spectrum. So is hubby. So are many of our close friends, colleagues, and I know any number of people on the autism spectrum who are poets, artists, authors, etc etc and who are simply lovely partners and parents. whilst it's true that we find it SO hard to look and sound the way that people need us to, the majority of us do learn what it has to sound/feel/look like to others and we care enough to practise and practise and ask and ask until we can get it right. Much like if someone's blind and has to guess how to paint a painting by asking where the colours go - it's not that they don't care....it's that they can't see. We often literally can't see/hear a ruddy thing when we try to look for body language and voice 'clues'. So frustrating for the many of us who do care very much about getting it right.

My hubby is just wonderful. Kind, caring, thoughtful, buys me flowers, cares how I am through this cancer treatment, responsible, honest, direct, determined...there are so many good qualities that balance out his need for knowing what's next and his need to have some 'downtime' to let his brain wiring cool down.

Can we learn? Absolutely we can. Are some people on the autism spectrum stroppy partners? Yup -same as if they were anyone else. It's not a part of autism to be 'orrible to other people at all, but alas there are a few nasty people out there who happen to also have autism and who give the rest of us a bad name.
Never despair. Well, not unless you've tried reason and expert advice and etc and it's all gotten you nowhere...
I'd say it's always worth getting expert assistance if anyone's feeling worn down in a relationship - there's more and more out there, thankfully.

Just had a look at the Narcissistic Mothers website and it's absolutely hate filled. Horrid site!

I can recognise a few of the traits they talk about in my own mum, but I don't believe for a second she is one of these people. This PND is much more "accessible" as a spectrum disorder than autism. Lots of people might look at that list and decide to self diagnose their parents because the traits are so common. Especially when we are so self-obsessed these days.

AS is just as common in females as males, it just doesn't get diagnosed so often. That is because women are more natural mimickers of those around them. An example with my daughter (17) illustrates it. The mother of one of her classmates died suddenly. When she came back to school everyone was hugging her and feeling sad and upset. My daughter did the same. But she said afterwards she only did it because the others were and in actual fact she felt nothing afterall 'it wasn't my mum that died'. So people don't realise that the emotional response isn't there. It's just a well practised act.

I have Asperger's too. People can't tell unless I tell them. They just don't like me and I don't really know why.

Amberlight.

My dh is all of the lovely things you write about...he's reliable, responsible, loyal, honest, direct. He is disinterested in the whole 'going out with the lads ' thing, doesn't watch sport, is teetotal...loads of lovely traits.

I do love him, so much, and I am determined to make this work.
Sometimes it feels just like I married someone from an entirely different culture, and I know that they can't learn my language and culture, so I just need a few tips on how to learn theirs, and sometimes I just wish I could talk to someone from my own culture IYSWIM.

You have to be precis in what you want off him. 'I need you to show me more affection' means absolutely nothing to an aspie. It's too wishywashy. Whereas 'I need you to hug me at least twice a day and tell me you love at least one a day' is a clearly defined instruction.

In the example you gave in your op about living in cottage, you need to teach him that a sentence starting with 'wouldn't it be nice one if......' is a hypothetical dream sentence, like a game, where he is only allowed to respond with 'yes that would be nice' or something that adds to the dream. The rules of the game are that practical considerations, such as coucil tax, are not allowed.

I won't go into it all about DH but I know how you must feel.

It can be lonely but you know, he does care I'm sure. We have got a different relationship I know.

Here is a poem i found about aspergers

From childhood?s hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.

or better still, "I'd really like a hug please", which really helps.
Yes, it makes sense that people also need plenty of others around them to provide other things they need. Good friendships, other family, work colleagues, social events- anything that gives people other aspects to their lives.

I agree with amberlight- I ask him for a hug or just hug him!!!! :)