to be struggling with Aspergers husband?

[CareyHunt]

Mr Hunt I have 3 dc's. Ds2 was diagnosed with Aspergers years ago, at which point we all realised Dh has it too!

He is lovely. I am enormously lucky and grateful, and our relationship is, by and large, a good one. However, there are some aspects of the relationship which I am finding increasingly difficult.

Mr Hunt is NEVER enthusiastic about anything. The gushiest he gets is to describe something as 'fine'. This applies to....our children singing/playing music etc in public in a way which makes me cry with pride, our wedding day, our home, every meal we have, every holiday/ outing...basically all of our lives. He has very straightforward needs, and beyond those cannot see the point of anything extra...ie.nice walks, picnics, pets of any kind,more dc's , anything! He sees all these things as 'needless hassle'.

He also struggles enormously with conversations that aren't about concrete things...you know the kind of thing...when you are on holiday and you say 'Oooh, imagine if we moved here, we could live in that cottage, I'd work in the restaurant', knowing it's not true, but he'll say 'Well, the council tax would be very high and there is no decent public transport' or something!

We also have no way to resolve conflict because he will not discuss anything. He does not believe in compromise, believing that it just leaves one party dissatisfied, and does not apologise because 'it doesn't change anything'.

I know I sound like a whinger, and I do know how lucky I am in other ways, so please don't flame me! I also know that this stuff isn't his fault.

I just feel really lonely, as if we have no shared experience. I love him so much, but I fear that his being with me is more a rational decision that a heart one. I need top tips on how to phrase things in a way that he will understand, and maybe a bit of a shoulder to cry on when it all gets a bit much.

Sorry for rambling.

I'm sorry for your struggles op but as a mother of a newly diagnosed high functioning aspergers ds I am so happy to hear that there are so many relationships mentioned here. They might not be perfect but my dh is completly 'normal' and his selfish twating around is there for purely indulgent!

When I replied to this thread earlier I hadn't read the whole thing, just parts of it. I have now. Wow. Just wow. 'needs knocking out of them' 'completely self centred asses' 'brain damaged'

Do you talk about all people with disabilities with such compassion? Shame on the lot of you.

Kladdkaka - I'm sure that the only people who've referred to "self centred" are those who are describing the behaviour rather than the person/describing a person who has no dx, in which case they might just be a self centred person!

Well then you'd be wrong. The one of referred to us a completely self-centred asses was specifically talking about people with Aspergers and how we should teach ourselves to behave more like others expect, afterall people with Asperger's can also be quite intelligent.

In a way it's kind of funny we're being labelled as self-centered and selfish because we don't immediately recognize and meet the self-centered and selfish needs and wants of other people. It seems to me that the people doing the labeling believe that their own self-centered selfish needs and wants are totally apparent to everyone, and anyone who doesn't meet those needs and wants is choosing not to do so and therefore is extremely self-centered and selfish. Not once do they stop to consider whether expecting others to constantly recognize and meet their needs or wants is possibly self-centered and selfish.

It must be so difficult and lonely for someone with Aspergers to find many people avoiding them, when they have not intended to offend anyone at all :(

Kladdkaka - Well I can only speak for myself of course, and clearly I missed a couple of other posts.

I get from your post that you have AS. I am sorry if I personally have caused any offence.

Tbh, I don't know if my mum has AS. Some of the things she says are very upsetting/rude, not just to me but to other family members, including my children, who don't wish to spend time with her. If we had a way of explaining this to them, then that might help.

I can completely see what you mean in your second paragraph, but I don't think that expecting someone to say to one person they don't know on a table full of people they do "I'm not going to say hello to you. I don't know who you are" is anything to do with fullfilling other people's self centred and selfish needs. It's just rude.

So if (as it was true, she didn't know the person!) she is reflecting her world view and that is different to ours, then that is fine. If not, she is just a rude and offensive person for making a stranger feel incredibly unwelcome!

A third perspective on that...(all generalising)

Imagine this...you're at a social dinner with 10 other people. You are totally 'blind' to who they are and what information there is about them. Your brain just won't deliver the info, or if it does, it does so so very slowly that it takes anything up to half hour for it to race about in its files and find "who's this - do they like me - have we spoken before - what are there interests". Other people's brains can do it in milliseconds. Ours doesn't have that bit plumbed in, so has to do it manually.

Meantime, there is an overwhelming smell from the food, a deafening noise from the chatter, you can hear every sound for 100 yards - every heartbeat, every watch ticking, every chair scraping, every fork clattering, every person chewing and slurping and sniffing and clearing their throat. You can feel the cold of the cutlery, you try to eat something and you have to deal with the crunchiness, texture, heat/cold, tastes...iand the people round you are wearing aftershave, deodorant, perfume...the smells are like being in a perfume factory. It's like being in the front row of a Rock Concert on full volume and trying to think with a brain that can't 'see' anyone else at all. And then find just the right words to explain why we're scared absolutely witless and don't know what to say. After all, if we say the wrong thing, people get shouty, cry, think we're rude, hate us....so it maybe comes out as "I'm not going to speak - I don't know who you are", because we're absolute cr&p at explaining all of that to you in one sentence. And we're scared and exhausted and don't want to get it wrong.

But it's not meant rudely, if so. It's just the reality of living life with a brain that takes in utterly stupid amounts of detail and doesn't know what to do with any of it. Plus we can't hear our own voice tone, so it maybe ends up sounding pedantic/rude/too loud accidentally (eek)

itsnearlysummer, I agree with you, that table comment is rude. I know many, many people with autism, through hospital, support groups, social groups etc. I don't know a single one who would say something like that.

What we struggle with are the subtle expectations. If you say to me 'do you like my new dress? does it look nice?', I can only give you an absolutely honest answer. I've learnt that I'm supposed to say something nice and flattering, but another characteristic of autism is a complete inability to lie. So I'm like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I've heard others aspies say they just don't understand why people ask a question like that, when they don't actually want your opinion. It just doesn't make sense to us.

And yes PaperBank, it's very lonely. Growing up I used to make a friend at school and be so happy and then a few days later that person would want nothing to do with me, I never knew why. I spent most of my school years sitting in the cloakroom alone. The last time I had an actual conversation with someone other than my husband or daughter was approximately 2 months ago and that was my occupational therapist.

Amberlight, you're absolutely spot on about the tone of voice. I've discovered as an adult that one of the reasons people want nothing to do with me is because I apparantly sound very aggressive. Anyone who actually knows me knows that this couldn't be further from the truth. I'm a timid little mouse, scared of everything and everyone, likely to burst into tears if somone says boo! It's one of the things I have to work on with my occupational therapist because they are worried about how vulnerable it makes me.

So people judge me and dislike me for something I have no control over and that also isn't true.

midoriway 20 mths is very early days, my db didn't even have a diagnosis at that point. There were all sorts of awful complications that delayed him getting a clear diagnosis, and therefore any rehab or therapy, for several years. But when they eventually began, they were so helpful, really transformative. Painful too though, b/c it meant acknowledging that as a result of the accident he had changed permanently - I think he had been in denial about that, and that didn't help his moods and ways of dealing with people.

It's a very long road, and hard one for all concerned - but if our experience is anything to go by, things will get better for you, your dh and your family.

OP I feel your pain. My DH has AS and DS1 is currently being assessed.

In my field (teaching) we talk about The Autistic Spectrum because it IS a spectrum. Your Dh sounds a lot like mine. We went to a counsellor a few years go and she was convinced he had AS, which really pissed him off and so we stopped going. I don't think he has got AS but is definitely further along the spectrum than me regarding his social/pragmatic skills. That said, when I worked for the local Speech and Language Service, we'd have meetings/training where we discussed AS and every single staff member (all women in this case) would identify aspects of AS in the behaviour of most of their male relatives. Make of that what you will! There are plenty of books available on being in a relationship with someone with AS, which help you to communicate effectively, reduce frustration etc. Check out Amazon.

Campergirls

We are very early on, the diagnosing specialist told us she has never met someone so soon after an accident, (less than 12 months at the time). I'm going to take a bit of credit for that, I have an old school friend who had subtle brain injury from an accident as a child, and an uncle who had slight brain injury from an episode of encephalitis as a child. I also have a schizophrenic Aunt. My parents taught me long ago how to pick up on if behavior was willfully difficult, or when it was the product of a frazzled, overworked, slightly broken brain. I managed to convince DH early on there might be a real problem. He had also been worried about memory problems and unreasonable waves of anger, so together we decided that something beyond concussion was happening.

I hope your DB continues to do well. I have a feeling that there is an absolute epidemic of undiagnosed subtle brain injury out there. Think of all those people in minor car accidents, Friday night punch ups to the head. How many times have you heard people say, "he was never the same after the accident". I think many cases of subtle brain injury are mis-diagnosed as mental illness.

Hi, I am trying to get a private message to Carey Hunt. I just joined the site this evening and I have a husband with aspergers. I am struggling!

When I hit the 'private message' nothing happens. Can someone help?

Thank you :-)))

I've only just seen this thread and would like to join in the conversation. Never written to Mumsnet before so not sure how to do it. Thanks.

I can sympathise OP. It's hard. I had an ex who had AS. Unfortunately I had to end the relationship as it was not good for me. I think it can work for some people, but I would not enter into a relationship like that again.

He was a good person and I did love him at one point. He had many good qualities. But... I totally understand what you mean by feeling lonely and like there is no real emotional attachment, that you're only in his life as part of a "rational decision". Sometimes I felt like I had come out on the right side of a cost-benefit calculation, but if at any time the outcome of that calculation changed, he could walk away pretty unscathed.

He could be quite cold and cutting, without really meaning to- it's just he would be really, brutally honest and could not waste any time on anything he wasn't interested in/didn't see value in. If it was pointed out to him that dismissing other peoples opinions etc was rude or that he had upset me/someone, he would be genuinely upset but really not get why as he would be highly unlikely to be deeply offended by someone saying/doing the same to him.

My ex, like your DH, was not at all good at compromise, believed he was always in the right and was loathe to apologise.

I don't really have any advice. Only you can decide where to go from here- I'm not sure if there are support services for partner's of people with AS or not, but maybe worth a look? Or counselling to see if that gives you an outlet for your feelings?

When I replied to this thread earlier I hadn't read the whole thing, just parts of it. I have now. Wow. Just wow. 'needs knocking out of them' 'completely self centred asses' 'brain damaged'
Yeah, it's a lovely thread to read if, like me, you have Asperger's.
All of you lovely people telling us how we're brain-damaged and such shitty people to live with - you have absolutely no idea how difficult it can be to have to try and fit in to a neurotypical world when you're autistic. No idea at all. And I don't think it's the autistic people who lack empathy - this thread has proved that. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

"When I replied to this thread earlier I hadn't read the whole thing, just parts of it. I have now. Wow. Just wow. 'needs knocking out of them' 'completely self centred asses' 'brain damaged'
Yeah, it's a lovely thread to read if, like me, you have Asperger's."

Technically speaking - we Aspies ARE brain damaged before and sometimes during birth. The current neurological theory points to Aspergers being a developmental anomaly, where the right side of the brain (social and emotional) barely functions, so everything has to be processed through the left logical side. Which is why the process is so difficult, tiring and sluggish and why we feel like aliens (social section is down).

So it makes sense that a brain injury to the right side of the brain later in life can make an NT develop similar symptoms.

Don't have any advice other than I totally get you, op. Totally.

I'm currently coping with a situation where I strongly suspect DS 9 has an ASD, despite the constant years of doubt projected by his school/gp/family.

DH has an exceptional number of Aspie traits. He fits the profile, he even admits he fits the profile but sees little to no benefit to seeking a diagnosis at thiis point. His feeling has always been that he a successful career (PhD/senior academic) and family without the need for an official label. So yeah, as long as everything's fine in his world, everything's just fine. It's maddening.

Oh my god so much of your OP resonated with me, especially not seeing the point in nice extra things and not getting pleasure out of things.

And the not being able to compromise or apologies. And jacks11 point about being on the right side of a cost benefit analysis. That really describes how I feel DP sees me!

Aspergers/ASD isn't bloody 'brain damage'. Check your neurotypical privilege there some of you.

Yes, it is very lonely to have everybody misunderstanding and disliking you.

If you must know, neurotypical people present just as many difficulties to us as we do to you

I wonder if OP is still on MN? Be interesting to hear how life moved on for her in the last 6 years.

My brain is NOT damaged. It works differently that's all.
And why the do people restart zombie threads