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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my parents that they are a disgrace

88 replies

popele · 11/07/2011 13:36

My brother is graduating from university next week and he is the first in my family to ever do so. The ceremonys next week but now my parents have booked a late availability holiday to Spain and so aren't going anymore. My mum says the deal was too good to miss and so they are going to Spain instead.

OP posts:

oila · 11/07/2011 16:17

YABU I think its a shame but at the end of the day its down to them

grovel · 11/07/2011 16:24

He'll have more fun without them by the sound of it.

Ephiny · 11/07/2011 16:34

YANBU of course, but it sounds like they have some very deeply ingrained prejudices about education and what counts as a 'proper' job. I doubt you'd get very far trying to change their minds. I agree it sounds like jealousy, but weird to be jealous of your own son, most parents are delighted when their children go on to achieve things and want them to have the opportunities they never had themselves .

It's a real shame for your brother that they can't be proud and happy for him - just make sure he knows that you are!

GiddyPickle · 11/07/2011 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onebigchocolatemess · 11/07/2011 16:44

YANBU

I too am in a slightly similar bewildering situation where M&FIL have decided they can't go to their only nieces wedding because it falls on a busy weekend and they have to work (own business) even though - strictly speaking - this is not true.

The fact is they simply don't want to go, its out of their comfort zone.

I wouldn't be surprised if your parents did it on purpose so as to avoid having to confront their own insecurities, such as my own in laws appear to have done.

What makes it worse is they are angry at my DH for making them feel bad for this! Like he is the one who is out of order!

When will these people learn its not about them its about their son/ niece

apologies for the minor thread highjack, just had to share!

sssj72 · 11/07/2011 17:05

yanbu at all. Most parents that I know would be proud to attend their childs graduation instead your parents have chosen to go on holiday instead & what an excuse for not going it is not as though there will never ever be any last minute to good to miss deals to spain. I know that I would not be able to hold it in & would have to say something to my parents. How very sad , disappointing & hurtful for your brother. You seem like a very caring supportive sister ,I hope that you are able to go & proudly see him graduate :)

Fluter · 11/07/2011 17:09

Weird. I couldn't have kept mine away from my (three). And I was the first person in my family to get through Uni (elder bro did go but got thrown out after a year).

And I echo the bit about getting a first - three of my A-level students just graduated from good Unis in the subject I taught them at College. All got straight 'A's in the subject for me and I thought there might just be a first amongst them, but all got (good) 2:1s, and I know how hard all of them worked, and how in tune with the subject they were. So whatever it was your brother did: all the credit in the world to him.

I suggest you go, have a fantastic time with him, and then spend the next ten years reminiscing about the ceremony and the knees up afterwards whenever you can. evil

aeder · 11/07/2011 18:29

Your parents are a disgrace because this is their sons graduation and he is making family history by doing it. Also presumabley your brother will have had to pay for the tickets that they are now not using, I hope you attend so he's not on his own.

Ilythia · 11/07/2011 19:33

Gosh, is it really that bad not go attend your childs graduation? My parents didn't even suggest going to mine, so I didn't go, neither did DH.
Couldn't spare the money to dress like a tit and stand around all day. Not going to my second graduation either

VeronicaCake · 11/07/2011 19:48

Ilythia if you don't want to go that is no big deal. I haven't been to any of mine either (I can't imagine much worse than wearing a silly outfit in front of lots of people, had just 3 people at my wedding for the same reason).

But the OP's brother is going, he is graduating with a first which is a massive achievement and his parents initially said they'd attend and then decided they'd rather go on holiday to Spain. That is an odd way for parents to behave. I'm not sure it is disgraceful. I'm pretty sure the people above who say they must have 'ishoos' are right. But it is rather sad.

tyler80 · 11/07/2011 20:02

My parents went to Australia instead of attending my graduation. I did too :-D

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 11/07/2011 20:08

Do you think your parents might fear that they will be bit "out of place" - or think (mistakenly) that they won't fit in. Are they maybe thinking that all the other parents have been to university (definitely won't be the case of course). Not excusing them one bit - after all this day is about their son.

Nice for you that you can go though. OUr DD could not come in the main hall with us for DS last year but had to watch on a video link in a marquee as it was strictly only two tickets per graduand.

Go and take your bro out, and toast your absent parents!!

DMCWelshCakes · 11/07/2011 20:15

I think onebigchocolatemess makes a good point. Presumably if they place so low a value on education then they've had no experience of events like graduation ceremonies & would be totally out of their depth. They'll probably never admit it, but going to Spain means they can stay safely in their comfort zone rather than having to make an effort to talk to people from whom they have very different views.

IMVHO a lot of inverted snobbery of this type is caused by insecurity about the person's own achievements in life. Rather than take a risk & try to better themselves, they ridicule those people who have decided that they want to learn more/earn more/whatever.

YANBU and your parents are being utterly crap. Congratulations to your brother.

OpusProSerenus · 11/07/2011 20:23

It's not just uneducated people who do this though. One of DSs friends has parents who are both lawyers who attended his graduation but hadn't been to those of their elder DS and DD as "they were too busy". DD and her best friend are attending a graduation ceremony for a friend later this month as his parents (both professional people) have booked a holiday.

Personally I would walk through fire to get to see my DCs graduate and cannot understand it at all

aeder · 11/07/2011 20:28

I'm amzed that people wouldn't want to see their children graduate

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 11/07/2011 20:42

I think being out of their comfort zone is it, afraid of saying the wrong thing afterwards and showing themselves up.

DH is a prof and he loves shaking parents' hands after graduations, chatting, putting them at their ease. He always notices how uncomfortable a lot of the men look, wearing THE SUIT (weddings, funerals, christenings for the use of since 1975) and unsure what to say to anyone.

I think DH sees his parents in the graduates' parents! He never attended either of his own graduations, as he has no interest in pomp and ceremony, and his father would have been very uncomfortable.

mollymole · 11/07/2011 20:49

what utter arseholes - he is far better off without them - hope you go along and enjoy the day and congratulate him for me - a first is a fine achievement, especially with the lack of support from home.
i hope that he makes sure they have no materials gain from his success and that , in the future he keeps them at arms length
i would tell them exactly what ignorant shits they are

Ephiny · 11/07/2011 20:59

I don't think it's necessarily terrible to not go to the graduation ceremony - I wasn't bothered about mine and in fact only went because my parents would have been disappointed not to see me in the silly gown/hat . I can understand some parents not feeling comfortable there - though if he's the first in the family to graduate you'd think they'd want to make a fuss!

But it sounds like a general negative attitude and lack of support - the OPs brother must have worked very hard to get a First, and it's no small achievement to have a well-paid graduate job lined up ready to walk into. But all his parents can say is that he's wasted three years, it isn't really a proper job anyway, oh and they can't be bothered turning up for his graduation.

Original poster

popele · 11/07/2011 21:03

They undoubtedly have very strange views regarding education and they aren't going to change. On the plus side I've managed to arrange things so I can go and my sister is trying to do the same.

OP posts:

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 11/07/2011 21:59

They may have strange views on education and for sure they're not going to change anytime soon, but it is an unnatural parent who doesn't take pride in, or derive any pleasure from, their child's achievements.

Luckily your brother has at least two supportive relatives, and I hope you all have a memorable day.

MoreBeta · 11/07/2011 22:03

My parents would do something like that too.

They asked me and DW to leave our own wedding early because they wanted to go home.

popele - make sure you go and take lots of photos, do lunch and make him feel special.

ZillionChocolate · 11/07/2011 22:13

I think their attitude is piss poor but the inverse snobbery is not uncommon from people lacking in confidence. My DH lied to his mother about doing a PhD and said he was working for company X and if he wrote up enough reports he might get a qualification out of it - that was easier to swallow than the truth.

I have to say that even in the days of travelzoo, I've never come across any bargainous late availability deals unless I've been looking for them. Better they're not there than ruin his day.

chicletteeth · 11/07/2011 22:15

That's a right fucking shitty thing to do.
Your poor brother.
Take him out for a meal afterwards and maybe get a small momento mentioning the date from you (a nice keyring maybe? My dad got me one for my first graduation because he had no money and I've treasured it ever since)

chicletteeth · 11/07/2011 22:20

Amothersplace it's not excuse if they feel out of place.
Neither of my parents have degrees (although my dad did two years at imperial 40 years ago and dropped out due to arrival of my big brother) and they have been to all of the graduation ceremonies for myself and my brothers (well the ones we could be arsed to go to).

If they are uncomfortable they should suck it up and get on with it.

My mum walked around in my PhD robes for a while letting me take pictures of her 'Twas very amusing and we all had a good laugh, and she doesn't even have a GCSE to her name.

She'd not have missed it because I'm her daughter and she was proud and that's how it should be

ImperialBlether · 11/07/2011 22:34

My daughter got a First this summer and didn't want to go to her graduation. It really doesn't bother me - I can understand why she doesn't want to go as she wouldn't be sitting with her friends (they took different courses and some aren't graduating this year.)

My parents came to my graduation (after telling me (a mature student) I'd fail, they decided to take the credit on the day) and then I didn't go to my MA graduation.

To be honest, I'm not a big fan of events like that - they're a useful full stop to the degree, though, I suppose. I couldn't be more proud of my daughter, but that's regardless of her grade. She had a serious problem with depression in her second year and I'm most proud of her getting through that. She worked so hard to get it that I would have been upset if she hadn't, but that's because I knew how much it meant to her.

But for the OP's brother, I really think the poster who said they'd be out of their comfort zone was probably right. Also, is your dad the sort of man who doesn't think anything's a good idea unless it's his idea? If your brother wanted to go to university regardless of his dad's opinion, then that might still smart. Not defending them, though - it's really appalling to not go, once invited.

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