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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is abusive

93 replies

fered · 10/07/2011 14:04

Have namechanged for this as it involves people other than me

Last night my brother and his girlfriend had a big row and she stormed out of their house. My brother went to bed, she came back later and he was asleep so she filled a bucket of water and threw it over him whilst he was asleep before going to sleep in their spare room.

OP posts:
surelynottrue · 10/07/2011 14:37

I wouldn't say abusive, abusive is more of a continuous (which can escalate) thing rather than a one off event. It is certainly wrong though.

icooksocks · 10/07/2011 14:40

I agree with your brother, it's childish, pathetic, vindicitive-but abusive? No I don't think so

oila · 10/07/2011 14:40

If it is a one-off then I wouldn't say that its abusive. However its a horrible thing to do and she ought to be on her knees grovelling for his forgiveness.

catgirl1976 · 10/07/2011 14:42

Reminds me of water boarding I think comparing an angry girl up ending a bucket of water on her dh's face to a really horrific form of toture is just possible going a tad over the top

garlicnutter · 10/07/2011 14:45

Y, catgirl, and possibly insulting to those who've been tortured by being repeatedly near-drowned.

sunshineandbooks · 10/07/2011 14:48

Whether it's actually abusive depends on the context of the row and their relationship, though even then 9x out of 10 it would be abusive. However, whatever the background it is certainly unacceptable. The only time physical violence is ever acceptable is when not using it can result in harm to yourself, which was clearly not the case here.

If it's the first time she's ever done anything like this your brother should consider it a red flag and take a good look at the relationship overall. IME this sort of incident quite often precedes the the first slap/shove/punch.
OTOH, if they both regularly settle their disputes in this way then they clearly have an extremely unhealthy relationship and need to go their separate ways.

You're obviously going to have some sort of bias because he's your DB, but with your most objective hat on do you think she shows other signs of violence? If she does, maybe you could start finding out more about the dynamics of abusive relationships with a view to alerting your DB and helping him out if need be.

DV against men is not as common as it is for women, but it certainly exists.

aeder · 10/07/2011 14:55

I think its abusive and would be very unhappy about it. She's thrown a bucket of water over him, next time she could throw a punch. The worst bit about it is that its not something she did in the heat of the moment she went out and plotted it.

catgirl1976 · 10/07/2011 14:56

If she threw a punch it would be abusive. The throwing a bucket of water or a hissy fit isnt.

bned · 10/07/2011 15:04

YANBU I think that its highly abusive and the people who think its funny astound. Having water thrown over you whilst you're asleep is enough to put someone into a state of shock.

HelloKlitty · 10/07/2011 15:20

Agree bned Obviously these people haven't been in the situation. When it happened to me...and it was only a glassfull not a bucket...I was absolutely horrifed, humiliated and shocked. It's an upsetting way to be woken and it's calculated to hurt.

catgirl1976 · 10/07/2011 15:23

I have had it happen to me and I didn't find it abusive. I think perhaps the context of the relationship would change whether or not the action was or felt like abuse?

HelloKlitty · 10/07/2011 15:34

You've atually been woken with a glass or bucket of water over your head catgirl?

catgirl1976 · 10/07/2011 15:42

Yes. On one occasion. But I had been being a complete cow. Not excusing it but it didnt feel like abuse. I think if our relationship was different I could see that it might feel differently but in the relationship we have, whilst it wasn't the best behaviour ever displayed by my DH I didn't find it abusive. Just childish.

unpa1dcar3r · 10/07/2011 16:00

I've done much worse! And it's always been deserved! Grin

serenity comes with age, she'll be grown out of it soon enough! Let them get on with it, not your problem really, he can dump her if he don't like it.

tredafe · 10/07/2011 16:41

I think what she did was highly abusive and your brother did well not to react

BarbieLovesKen · 10/07/2011 16:52

Definitely abuse, am shocked others think it's funny or deserved

spiderpig8 · 10/07/2011 17:05

I think it's abusive and could potentially trigger a heart attack

BalloonSlayer · 10/07/2011 17:09

I remember there being a thread on relationships where the husband had done this. It was seen as abusive in that instance, and I'd think it was in this case too.

catgirl1976 · 10/07/2011 17:10

I am surprised by how many people find this abusive. When my DH did it I found it wet and unpleasant but not abusive.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/07/2011 17:15

DogsBestFriend

"It depends on whether it was deserved."

No abuse is ever deserved

hadagutsfull · 10/07/2011 17:20

Sounds to me like it was in the heat of the moment - if she was still seething when she went back and he was snoring his head off I can understand her actions. She probably regrets it now and hopefully they will look back and laugh over it in years to come.

MigratingCoconuts · 10/07/2011 17:25

water boarding! do me a favour!! having a continual stream of water poured over your face whilst you are held down would be nothing like op describes Shock get a grip people!

I would say its a deal breaker for me but its not torture!!! Its hardly abuse but i would quesion what he had done and also if she regularly resorts to this sort of behaviour...

Ishani · 10/07/2011 17:27

My brother had bleach squirted in his face by his ex girlfriend and the police when they were called removed him from the property, domestic abuse against men is not taken seriously enough.

unpa1dcar3r · 10/07/2011 17:27

It was water FFS not caustic soda!

unpa1dcar3r · 10/07/2011 17:28

Now bleach Ishani is another matter. That could cause damage. water can't.
If it did we wouldn't drink it!

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