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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DS should be a priority to ExH, more than his sister?

25 replies

MadYoungCatLady · 10/07/2011 13:52

ExH is in the forces, he is going off on a tour today and will not be contactable. I asked what I do if there is an emergency with our DS.
He told me to call JCCC or HIS SISTER.
Why his sister, I asked?
Because she can just send him a message on FB, and it will be quicker than JCCC.

I cannot send him a message on sodding FB as his profile is private and he wont 'add' me. If there is an emergency with his parents, gf, siblings, they can get him straight away.

If there is an emergency with his SON, I have to wait or go through his gatekeeper of a sister. AIBU to be pissed off that his gf can contact him if needed, but his son cant?

OP posts:

AuntiePickleBottom · 10/07/2011 13:57

I think that if there was an emergency I would want to get my child to hospital not bother logging on to Facebook, it only takes a text/phone call for some one else to do the running around.

I can't even contact dh at work

MistressFrankly · 10/07/2011 13:59

YABU we are all entitled to a private life and he obviously doent want you being on his facebook as he has a gf and you are his ex.

You have said his family can get hold of him straight away so its merely a matter of getting them to relay a message. Its not as if he doesnt want to be contacted in an emergancy. He is just limiting your access to him which is totally fair.

Move on.

diddl · 10/07/2011 14:06

At the end of the day, he is contactable.

And if it´s quite usual for him to not be directly contactable, does it matter who relays a message to him?

He´s hardly putting his sister before his son, is he?

ShoutyHamster · 10/07/2011 14:13

Tell him that he either adds you on Facebook, gives you an alternative means of contacting him directly, or accepts that in an emergency he will not necessarily be notifed of events, or when a decision is to be made he will not necessarily be contacted.

Of course he has the right to privacy and the right not to be forced to 'let you in' to his personal life, e.g. Facebook. But he doesn't have the right to demand that you inform his other relatives of issues to do with your son.

What if there is a situation which you would like to inform your child's FATHER of (i.e. the other person with parental responsibility) but don't want to broadcast to his wider family?

There is no reason why he can't set up a second Facebook account, or an email account which he agrees to check. Then you could notify him direct of any problems in a way in which YOUR privacy and family life is also respected.

This is extremely fair and reasonable and I would insist on it - not least because if he is trying to be awkward for the sake of it and/or score points, you can knock it on the head.

For you to be able to contact him directly in an emergency is a good thing for your son and the right way to co-parent. Put this to him.

wellwisher · 10/07/2011 14:14

Can't you set up a separate facbook account just for this, and he can add that and put it on ultra-limited profile so that you can send him messages but not see any of his profile info?

I don't get why he has facebook but no email, though...

oohjarWhatsit · 10/07/2011 14:16

maybe OP has stalker issues and he is protecting himself

Original poster

MadYoungCatLady · 10/07/2011 14:22

I wondered why he didn't suggest email

I dont want to see his private life, really, really not interested, tbh I'd rather no contact with him whatsoever.

I know some people you can message on FB without being able to see their profile, or be their 'friend'.

I am under NO circumstances contacting his family. One member made an indecent 'gesture' shall we say, and his mother has told me never to contact her. His sister has managed to send me a text that was meant for ExH slagging me off. I have no interest in telling her if DS has an accident. I do not want his family knowing anything about my DS. He does not see them, nor will he be doing in the future. They are not in his life.

Maybe I should just accept that DS is not his top priority. If it was the other way around, NOTHING would stop me being in contact with DS. Different priorities, I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

MadYoungCatLady · 10/07/2011 14:23

oohjar just snorted my drink through my nose :O

OP posts:

MistressFrankly · 10/07/2011 14:24

OP doesnt need to discuss anything with the his family. This is an in case of emergancy situation. She can go through JCCC or pass a message through his sister. Its not a big ask. I wouldnt start with second facebook accounts etc if i had provide two means of contact.

diddl · 10/07/2011 14:26

Then tell him that you have no intention of contacting anyone else & that he needs to make himself contactable.

squeakytoy · 10/07/2011 14:27

What if, when your son grows up, he wants to see the family that you are denying him.

You are obviously very bitter about your ex, so why do you actually care if you can get in touch with him in the case of an emergency?

Your arguments with your ex's family are not your sons fault, so why is he being punished for it?

If your ex is away on a tour, he can hardly be expected to check his facebook every few minutes anyway.

FabbyChic · 10/07/2011 14:28

The chances of your child having an accident are minimal.

Like another poster says he has given you two forms of contact that should be enough.

Original poster

MadYoungCatLady · 10/07/2011 14:30

I'll go through JCCC happily. Apparently that takes a while to 'get the message' according to him.

So his gf/mother/stepfather/sisters/brother/stepbrothers/stepsister/nieces/nephewsgets run over by a bus, he can check his FB and find out straight away.

His DS suffers the same fate, and he has to wait to find out.

Not my problem I suppose. Maybe IABU....

OP posts:

Original poster

MadYoungCatLady · 10/07/2011 14:31

My ex's family are abusive, squeakytoy. I have taken my DS out of the situation at the recommendation of my HV and after being asked not to see them anymore by DS himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

MadYoungCatLady · 10/07/2011 14:33

Minimal for an able-bodied child, yes.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 10/07/2011 14:35

What is the liklihood of your child having such a tragic accident? Fairly minimal I'd say.

Go through the JCCC and be done with it, and in the meantime move on with your life.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/07/2011 16:18

ShoutyHamster

"Tell him that he either adds you on Facebook, gives you an alternative means of contacting him directly,"

How very controlling of you

DawneT · 10/07/2011 16:34

Not sure what JCCC is, assuming it is some sort of forces welfare service? If so, they may be the best people to contact anyway in an emergency. When my son joined the navy I was told to contact the base rather than him in the event of bad news, to avoid the possibility of him going AWOL. When we had a bereavement and I needed him back in a hurry, I rang and spoke to a welfare officer who arranged for him to be told the bad news by his commanding officer and they had a travel warrant, compassionate leave and put him on a train within two hours of me phoning.

To be honest, if he is on active service, he may not be able to access face book or even answer a mobile phone call, my son can only use his phone when he is off duty.

MrsSnaplegs · 10/07/2011 16:38

JCCC are more likely to be able to get a message to him quickly and if needed to actually get him home if required in a serious emergency. Not sure his family would be able to do anything more than go through them anyway - I would avoid his family and just use JCCC.

MrsSnaplegs · 10/07/2011 16:40

JCCC joint casualty and compassionate centre
Make arrangements to get service pers home from oseas in an emergency amongst other things

lurkerspeaks · 10/07/2011 16:40

He isn't prioritising his sister he is just limiting his contact with you.

He has provided you with two means of contact - JCCC or via his sister.

You don't want to use the latter which means you'll have to use JCCC in the (unlikely) event of a problem.

IME JCCC sort out a 'plan' before telling the person ie. evacuation home if appropriate - so they know the bad news for less time before something can happen.

Pseudo341 · 10/07/2011 16:45

You can send someone a message on facebook even if you're not friends with them. That should solve the problem.

flippinada · 10/07/2011 17:03

MadYoungCatLady

You are forgetting yourself.

Did you not realise that all exwives are automatically controlling/bitter/stalky fruitloops who use their children to get at their ex?

ChaoticAngelinLimbo · 10/07/2011 17:26

Just use JCCC, if it means that him learning about an incident days after it happened that's his problem. He can't complain seeing as he's told you to use it.

diddl · 10/07/2011 17:30

Well if JCCC do something constructive towards getting him back if necessary, then they sound like a better bet than his sister anyway.

Flip