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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I should be "allowed" out with my male friend?

100 replies

ComedyandTragedy · 10/07/2011 07:40

I have a work friend who is a gay male. He's also a social butterfly so tends to arrange loads of nights/days outs with an array of different people. He's one of these people that texts and calls quite a lot but to me this is no different than a female friend calling/texting however DP HATES him (although they've never met) and swears he's just pretending to be gay to get closer to women!! Everytime he texts me DP says "oh for fucks sake, what does that tosser want now? you don't need to have anything to do with him anymore now that he's moved to a different department so why do you entertain him??" but he's just a friend and I don't see why I shouldn't have anything to do with him. He's funny, sweet, helpful and yeah - a bit of a drama queen but couldn't I be talking about any one of my female friends here??

So anyway he invited me to a BBQ at his house along with 20 other people. DP was not pleased and went out of his way to make sure I couldn't go (he booked us tickets for a show that night knowing I wouldn't waste the money/tickets). Then we went out for a leaving do and this bloke happened to be there, DP was furious and tried to make out that he had "Mussled in" on plans to get near the women. I enjoyed that night out anyway but DP tried to make me promise I wouldn't go out with him again.

Anyway I have just been invited to another BBQ at his house, again along with loads of other people (so its hardly one on one!!). I told DP I'm going so he said "great, the sooner he fucks off back to Manchester the better".

Now the one that has really caused problems is that I got an invite to Gay Pride in the local park from this bloke. It would basically be a case of sitting in the sun for a few hours, watching the festivities, few drinks and then home before 6pm. I really wanted to go and DP said "You better not go to gay pride with him, you shouldn't be going ANYWHERE with him. what a fucking tosser, I detest him!" he then suggested that he and his mate meet up with my friend which was basically a threat of violence since his mate is pretty homophobic and always up for a fight.

AIBU to think that although he's male, I should be able to go out and have fun with him as a friend like I would any other female friend??

OP posts:

Besom · 10/07/2011 10:22

My dh's best friend is a woman who looks like a model. Over the years I've had a few snidey comments about their friendship, mainly because of her beauty. She's my friend too though and I would eat my birkenstocks if anything sexual ever happened between them.

I also have a close gay male friend who I regularly see by myself and have stayed over at his house. My dh is friends with him as well (a fact which gay friend said he appreciates because he does not really have other straight male friends).

That's not to say that anything goes but I would trust my own judgement on these things. It's ridiculous to assume that all cross gender relationships are going to involve sexual attraction.

OP - what you've written makes your dp sound awful. YA definitely NBU. Your dp is being extremelty unreasonable, however.

Tuppence2 · 10/07/2011 10:23

It could be that your DH is feeling left out of everything you end up doing with this friend if you do quite a lot together. As you say, there was a bbq with about 20 people going, were partner's invited? That could be where the hostility lies. Not that that justifies how he has gone on about it, just another perspective...
My DP loves when I go out without him ( I have very low confidence and self esteem) and he rarely asks who I am going out with!
At the end of the day, if he has such a problem with who you are friends with, maybe he needs to rethink how he goes on. Making other plans so you cancel on your friends sounds like extremely controlling behavior! Is he controlling in other aspects of life, not just who you go out with?

honeyandsalt · 10/07/2011 10:24

Wtf is it with people saying that the OP has to put up with this behaviour from her "D"P for the sake of her relationship?!

He is jealous and controlling and homophobic and threatening her friend with violence. What planet are you on that this is in any way something acceptable she needs to compromise on? Jesus.

I'm sorry OP but this is a very serious warning sign for you. Google "emotionally abusive relationships" and see if you recognise yourself. And well done for not putting up with it. You have a CHOICE about who you're in a relationship with.

cory · 10/07/2011 11:20

Carminagetsprimal Sun 10-Jul-11 08:40:00
"Yanbu - but you have to put the relationship with your partner first and your social life second"

Aha, and what if his next step is to try to stop the OP from going out with her female friends? And then try to curtail her contact with her family? And then try to make sure she doesn't have any opinions that don't agree with his? Ime attempts to control a woman is something that tends to get worse over time.

Somewhere you have to draw the line, don't you? Imho it is no bad thing in a relationship to have a clear idea of where that line is, even if you never end up going there.

I have seen too many women (and some men) worn down by the insecurity and jealousy of a partner.

ShellyBoobs · 10/07/2011 11:33

OP's 'DP' sounds nasty and thick. As is anyone who thinks violence (or the threat of it) is the solution to a situation they don't like.

TidyDancer · 10/07/2011 11:46

If DP treated me like this, he would no longer be either D or P. He'd be out the fucking door with my toe up his arse to make him go quicker. I will not be controlled or be with anyone homophobic. My closest female friend is gay and I have several other friends who are either bi or gay. DP cares not one bit (actually enjoys the gay clubs as much as them I think, we get some awesome nights out!).

You need to seriously question what you are doing with such a moron. I don't say that lightly either.

Carminagetsprimal · 10/07/2011 12:22

Cory; I wouldn't put the feelings of a work colleague before my dh's. This 'social butterfly' who seems to arrange 24/7 get/togethers is not going to miss one person. And do you have to attend every social occasion you're invited to? I'd avoid work BBQ's etc like the plague quite honestly - who wants to spend their weekends with people they work with?
And wrt the homosexual issue - it's really nothing to do with sexuality - I would be jealous of another 'woman, irrespective of who floats her boat in the bedroom - if my dh found her to be funny, intelligent, good company etc - I'd be a seething mass of jealousy and insecurities - I wouldn't feel like that about a male friend of his, straight or gay.

It's not all about sex - it's more than that.

pictish · 10/07/2011 12:27

Wow Carmin. Have you ever put any thought into having a word with yourself at all?
Genuine ask.

ASByatt · 10/07/2011 12:30

Carmina - ' I would be jealous of another 'woman, irrespective of who floats her boat in the bedroom - if my dh found her to be funny, intelligent, good company etc - I'd be a seething mass of jealousy and insecurities'

But that is your issue, and quite a sad one at that.

TidyDancer · 10/07/2011 12:33

Carmina, if you really feel that way, I feel terribly sad for you. :(

Why are you so insecure?

CurrySpice · 10/07/2011 12:38

How sad Carmin :(

I feel sorry for nayone who feels like that :(

Carminagetsprimal · 10/07/2011 12:49

I don't know why I'm like this - but there's no way I'd be happy with DH having a female friend texting him all the time and inviting him out.
I take my hat off to people who are emotionally sorted over issues like this ( don't you ever get jealous - ever? )
( it's interesting that my DH feels exactly the same about me - he doesn't care how many female friends I have ( straight/lesbian ) but I don't think he'd be happy with males texting me all the time. - luckily for us we're well suited .

pictish · 10/07/2011 12:53

Well then, although I think it's all a bit skewiff, at least you are well matched....I would say that is very fortunate.

Most of us thrive on trust and being at liberty to please ourselves. This way one can grow and learn as an individual.

Believe it or not, that's not angled as a criticism of your set up Carmina - just saying that most of us would not choose to conduct a relationship so. To each their own.

However in the case of the OP - she is not happy to comply, and neither she should have to.

cory · 10/07/2011 12:57

Carminagetsprimal Sun 10-Jul-11 12:22:03
"Cory; I wouldn't put the feelings of a work colleague before my dh's."

It is not about the feelings of the work colleague: it is about whether the feelings of the OP (who likes this friend and wants to attend this event) matter as much as those of her husband. About whether he has a right to make the decision for her whether she should enjoy mixing socially with work colleagues or not.

Jealous partners often end up being jealous of anyone who can make their partner happy, be it siblings or friends or colleagues- or even hobbies or books.

My db was with a woman like this for many years. Because he was a decent bloke he thought like you that he ought to put her feelings first, and her feelings were that anything he enjoyed apart from her was a threat to their relationship. So gradually he ended up getting cut off from his parents, his siblings, his interests, his mates. He was getting old before his time, his health was suffering. It was a messy divorce but imho not a moment too soon.

CurrySpice · 10/07/2011 13:00

No Carmin, I don't. I am not (and have never been) the jealous type and I trust my DP 100%. I think jealousy is one of the most destructive emotions around, both for the jealous person, and for the object of it, and relationships. :(

And cory is right. It's not about perferring her colleague over her DP. It's about perferring to do what she choses, rather than what she's told to do

TidyDancer · 10/07/2011 13:01

I've only ever had an issue with one of DP's female friends, and it was because she actually did hit on him. Couldn't give a flying fuck about the others though. I've had them sleep over in my house when DP is there and I'm not. It doesn't matter. Because I trust DP. Rampant jealousy of the kind in the OP's (and sorry, but your situation too Carmina) only ever comes out of lack of trust, which is terribly sad. One of my best male friends is my BIL. DP doesn't care about that either. Because he trusts me.

pictish · 10/07/2011 13:02

I agree Cory...it's about respecting the OP's wishes, not her colleague's. He's actually irrelevant in this issue. Wouldn't matter who it was. The point is, the OP's dp feels entitled to have HIS wishes prioritised on a subject that he really should have no bearing on. It's not his decision.

dreamingbohemian · 10/07/2011 13:03

Carmina, I have felt jealousy in the past, with two of my previous boyfriends, but that's because they were fuckwits and deep down I didn't trust them. They were also commitment phobes and emotionally unavailable and so I was always doubting how they really felt about me. (note: even when jealous I didn't try to limit their friendships because that's not really on)

I have not felt this kind of jealousy in my healthy relationships, because I was with men I trusted and who made me feel I was the only woman in the world for them.

If you and your DH are happy to limit your friendships and behaviour to accommodate each other's insecurities, well, more power to you. I don't think most people would be happy having to do that though.

Carminagetsprimal · 10/07/2011 19:50

The whole point of getting married (or entering into a long term partnership) is so that you grow and thrive as a couple, otherwise what's the point? - I agree couples should have separate interests and friends ( if that's what they want ) - but there has to be a balance. Living the single life whilst married rarely works ime, as sooner or later resentment starts kicking in. ( what if he wants to go to Ibiza every 6 months with his mates ? - where do you draw the line?)
And if your partner makes you feel like you're the only women in the world - it might come as a bit of a shock when he suddenly wants to spend time with another woman/work mate - even if you trust him 100% you're bound to feel a bit jealous. You'd be a bit odd if you didn't tbh.

And wrt the op, yes, it's not about the work colleagues feelings, but the way she's worded her post it sounds like she doesn't want to let him down - ( maybe I'm just reading it wrong )

TidyDancer · 10/07/2011 20:12

No, Carmina, you wouldn't be a bit odd if you didn't feel jealous. I am not remotely jealous of DP spending time with his female friends. I like them. I quite often go out for dinner and drinks with his brother, he doesn't care about that either. We are just normal trusting people.

Having friends of the opposite sex is not even remotely 'living the single life'.

I can't believe I'm now feeling more sorry for you than the OP. It is so sad that you feel how you do.

CurrySpice · 10/07/2011 20:15

Having friends that you sometimes see without your DP is not "living the single life". Ideally you don't have to "draw the line" but come to a point where both of you feel comfortable and happy and fulfilled both within your relationship and your outside interests / friends / life

motherinferior · 10/07/2011 20:27

My partner doesn't make me feel like 'the only woman in the world': of course he doesn't, I'm not. He does make it clear that out of all the women he knows, I'm the one he wants to live with and have kids with.

And of course we have separate friends. Sometimes I go out for a whole evening with - gasp - a heterosexual man. During which time we talk quite a bit about work, and miraculously refrain from having sex .

CurrySpice · 10/07/2011 20:28

Will that be because you're a nun mother? :o

motherinferior · 10/07/2011 20:33

Arf

Oh, and I think friends are actually terribly important. This bloke is your friend. (Not just a 'work colleague'.) He sounds fun. Much more fun than some controlling violent homophobe, really.

skybluepearl · 10/07/2011 20:42

your DP has problems

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